Feelings On a Bike: A Crazy Random Happenstance

I post a lot. About feelings. About food. About bikes. About grad school. About books. About blogging. About TV. About the inanity of my life.

[hagofhags]

Long overdue update

Girlfriend and I bought a house, moving in together over the summer!

We’ve been on a bunch of trips, to Germany, Vancouver, Portugal, and are about to head to Spain.

Girlfriend’s dog died in Jan which has been really rough on both of us.

I am up for another big grant/award for work and am feeling quite hopeful. We hear next week.

At work, I’ve also been granted research time and am now trying to figure out how to teach critical thinking about the financial system.

There have been a great number of work meltdowns but I made it through every one of them.

I am definitely autistic and am learning to fully embrace that shit.

Despite neither of us being over Scully dying suddenly, fast, and too young, we are going to see a puppy in a few weeks and are nervously excited.

I am, overall, very happy. As in, takes video of girlfriend snoring on my shoulder because she’s so cute happy.

I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces now.

Girlfriend has developed trigeminal neuralgia, which has been an absolute disaster; she’s now on long term partial sick leave and we are trying to rush along a sluggish and disinterested medical system. Another reason for looking for a new dog - she kinda needs one for mental and physical well-being.

Anyway, that’s things in a nutshell!

[hagofhags]

I know I’m never on here anymore but this is the last place I feel quite anonymous online even though I’m not, really, so let me say this: one of my best friends has to terminate her very wanted pregnancy at 24 weeks due to a severe birth defect. At the end of the week, she will give birth to her baby boy and hold him as he dies (the standard procedure here for such a late term termination of a wanted pregnancy) and the thought of it absolutely shatters me. I don’t know how to help her through this. When she decided to go it alone, we all promised we’d be there. We just didn’t know it’d be like this.

Anyway, can’t share this with her, obviously, so here it goes. If you reblog this I will find and flay you.

[hagofhags]

Hey all! Just a little note to let you know I’m still alive and kicking. I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of tumblr but am finding it a challenge. I hope you’re all well though!

Here things are never not interesting. There’s a war on, of course. Our COVID numbers are beyond record breaking and yet we are getting rid of all restrictions next week. I have been teaching offline again for the last couple weeks and am loving it. Haven’t caught COVID yet but am fully expecting it any day now. Just hoping for no lasting damage. My stepdad had cancer again and then didn’t. It turned out to be a misdiagnosis, which is amazing but did ruin the holidays while ongoing. Still, better than the alternative. I almost won a massive national award for the critical thinking teaching program a colleague and I put together. We were so close to winning half a million euros. Really quite bummed. And, happily, I have a wonderful girlfriend! It’s been almost 6 months of messaging and more than 3 months of dating. We’re going really strong. It’s good and I’m happy.

Ok byyyyeeeee

[hagofhags]

iiiiiiiit’s… a bit of a week here.

Yes, this is my kitchen.

[hagofhags]

Yesterday I had dinner with a friend, today I zoomed with some penpals, tomorrow I’m going to a museum with another friend and Sunday I’m having brunch with a third.

Idk what this is but it feels pretty good.

[hagofhags]

As probably many a therapist and client, we’ve used a lot of mountain climbing metaphors over the past three years: needing to climb one step at a time, the path being obscured by fog, not even knowing if I want to make it to the fucking top, being scared I’ll fall, learning to get up again and continue on the path, have faith the trail is still continuing even if it’s a little vague, etc. etc.

This Thursday, after nearly 3 years, I’ll have my final session with my therapist. I’m graduating! And so I made her a little something. I hope she’ll like it.

[hagofhags]

Hey friends! I’m back, maybe. Perchance. I think? I may post a proper update one of these days but for now suffice to say the person who made my work life even more hellish than the pandemic already did has left the building, I am wrapping up therapy after almost three years (!!), I’ve made my peace with getting covid sometime soon (we have no restrictions in the classrooms and are back to full ones) and am relying on Pfizer to get me through the worst of it, and I’m overall in a much better place than I was a couple months ago.

I also went on a painting retreat! Go figure, eh?

[hagofhags]

Hey pals!

I have very little to say other than I am still alive, I feel like an absolute shell, I call my bathroom my “emotional support shower” these days and things are really quite hard.

How are y’all?

[hagofhags]

Oh yeah what this weekend really needed was my balcony fence BLOWING THE FUCK OFF MY BALCONY what the fuck Jesus Christ.

I rigged up a temporary solution with ropes and a chain and hopefully found someone to come and chop up the fence and remove it but ugh.

(Yes it’s still the weekend here)

[hagofhags]

Nothing like the second Easter in a row where I break down over my loneliness.

At least this time my mom dared to stand behind me and rubbed my back while I cried? Last year, I wouldn’t let her near me.

[hagofhags]

So 7 weeks ago my upstairs neighbors had a baby. But she had medical issues. Her esophagus and her windpipe are connected to each other in a way they definitely shouldn’t be. She’s had 3 surgeries so far. She’s not doing great.

But today, they still brought her home. It doesn’t seem to be a very hopeful homecoming. More, like, she won’t do worse at home than in the hospital but the outcome looks quite uncertain.

Anyway, I can always hear pretty much everything that’s going on upstairs and now there’s been a baby there for hours and ... I haven’t heard a peep. Not a wail. Not a cry. It’s unsettling. And I feel for them all so much.

[hagofhags]

Trying to turn a childhood memory into a watercolor for my mom’s birthday next week and TERRIFIED of fucking this up in the face department.

[hagofhags]

I’ve been trying different things with watercolors. I know to many of you this may look like a kid did it, but for me it is SO GOOD! And every thing I paint, I realize there’s something I did that I don’t love, but I still like the whole thing and next time I’ll known not to do the thing I don’t love.

Is this what people who don’t suffer from debilitating perfectionism live like?

[hagofhags]

Look I know I shouldn’t be browsing for houses until I’ve spoken to the financial advisor I decided I’m meeting with but

Appartement te koop: Fuchsiastraat 162 2565 PX Den Haag [funda]

FUCHSIASTRAAT 162 BLOEMENBUURT FANTASTISCH WONEN IN DEZE SUPER CHARMANTE BENEDENWONING MET SPEELS INGEDEELDE VOORTUIN EN ZONNIGE ACHTERTU

[hagofhags]

I’m planning a date with a 29-year old but it’s okay because she’s a woman which means that she emotionally turned 30 when she was 14 and will not age beyond that until she’s at least 50 years old which means we are the same age.

[hagofhags]

Ok, but could it be possible I DON’T inherently suck at everything creative?!

[timedeo-moved-deactivated202105]

[hagofhags]

I was moderating an official online event with students last week and some of them brought up pirating books in chat and I kept posting “pirating is illegal” until they realized that I was saying what I had to say but the insane repetition meant I was on board. Meta-communication, man.