idek

i guess this is more of a personal blog than anything else?

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

im crying so hard i can feel my heartbeat in my ears, i just want to be back in bed with you and i want one of your rational talk throughs and i want you to just hold me

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

how do you fill in a rental application to move somewhere 3 hours away from your favourite person and best friend when its almost the last thing you want to do, without your only true support system to help you?

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

both of you rely on me to be stable, and to do that I have to take responsibility for my actions. It’s in my genes and I’ve watched both you of self sabotage and self destruct when things go bad my whole life, but I, the child!!! Have to be the one to be this stable, reliable person for the sanity of my parents as I watch them drink and anxiety and pain killers and numb themself to death every day I come here. Fuck that. Take some responsibility for your own lives and your own happiness and own up to your shit.

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

me and my girlfriend are breaking up and the more i think about being alone the more I want to kill my self. Im not made to be alone. I want more than anything to be okay alone, to thrive, but I’m just not sure. For the first day I was excited about the freedom, now all I can think about are the dark lonely nights and the new room I’m going to be getting seems like a jail cell. Fuck. Im so jealous of people that find their person at this age. I just want to start my life. I need to write a list of reasons we shouldn’t be together, because I’m going to forget. I love her so fucking much, she’s everything to me, we just don’t work,

I fucking love her so fucking much, I can’t imagine living 3 hours away from her and not dating. I cry every night at the thought. I can’t wait for the pain in my chest to subside.

[xxxanimeweedlordxxx-deactivated]

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

i hate when parents tell you to not do A Thing because then you have to do A Thing because they know nothing about the thing and now they've made me feel like I have to prove them wrong/can't do the thing and now I'm getting srs fomo basically I hate how much control and apparent 'insight' over/into my life my mother has lol like ok i'm going to be 20 in a few months, pleaaaaase let me live my own life??? i feel like i can't make my own decisions and i genuinely think this is really bad for me mentally???? like fuck knows I've got self confidence issues, bcus I don't think I can get anything right without others input I didn't even want to do A Thing but you literally can't stop talking about how bad/terrible/nasty it would be if I did A Thing and this is all based on 'a gut feeling' and literally no fact at all, you don't know anything about A Thing please get! Out! Of! My! Life! I'm! Meant! To! Be! A! Fucking! Adult!

[ink-trails]

I wonder if you know how much I appreciate you. I know that with every passing day, I seem to grow even more uninterested and unattached to the love you have planted inside of me. Like weeds, I tend to tear your seeds out and throw them to the wind, for sentiments are sometimes better carried off when life becomes too much to handle. Your words seem to have little effect on my sleepless nights and struggles to keep my head above water. To you, it must seem like my skin is made out of iron walls– a barrier that divides me from the relief you are trying to cannonball in from the outside. To you, it must seem like ungratefulness, someone who has grown too empty to give a damn. I promise you, it is the opposite. I feel the weight of your words and reassurances on every fiber of my body; you teach the bones and muscles inside of me to hold on. Every day, your presence lifts an anvil off my chest and every night your check-ins manage to quiet my thoughts enough for me to sleep. My breakdowns and panic attacks are constantly on the verge of seizing me, but you never fail to bring me back as if you live your life on a cliff, always ready to pull me up. Maybe it’s because I feel too much that I stopped showing it, maybe it’s because if I show it, I will never be able to contain myself, but whatever the reason, know that my apathy is not founded in malice. I know I don’t thank you enough, and I know that I probably won’t change my ways, but you have saved me more times than I can count, and I will never have the words to tell you how much I love you for that.

A note to a parent, sister, and friends (via ink-trails)

[madgirlf]

one day I will stop all this yearning but for now it’s coming off me like perfume. I don’t know what to do with old love so I stuff it in my mouth like cotton balls and pretend I’m not choking. if you catch me on the wrong day, I’ll cry all over your favorite shirt and that’s how you’ll remember me years later. I’ve always been a phone call jarring you from sleep and it’s not worth answering. yesterday, there was a needle in my neck and I didn’t even flinch. that should tell you all there is to know about me.

Fortesa Latifi - everything there is (via madgirlf)

[writingsforwinter]

How to Pretend to Be Okay

Cut your tequila with more tequila.

Witness your own destruction like a jury made of stars,

a judge made of sky and shadow.

No. Don’t do that.

Let them know. How your soft body still hurts.

How savage your sadness.

How you are still the girl whom everyone can’t bear to love,

yet can’t wait to leave.

Don’t let them carry you out in a body bag.

Just in your own body. Not carried, walking.

There is no worse time to pretend to be okay

than every time you aren’t.

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

im fucking terrified of falling in love again.  im fucking terrified of giving head.  i’m fucking terrified of being terrified for the rest of my live.  i am fucking terrified of having to deal with what i have to deal with.  i am fucking terrified of being told i dont really have ptsd.  i am fucking terrified of being told this is just how i’m wired, not how i have been rewired based on  past events.  im fucking terrified of having no reason for being like this.  im fucking terrified im not going to be suited to the job i want, to look after people.  im fucking terrified im a terrible person.  i’m fucking terrified, im fucking terrified im fucking terrified. i’m worried i wont find someone i bonded with, that i could be as silly with, as honest with about silly things that make a difference to me, as i could with you.  im fucking terrified i wont find what im looking for.  im fucking terrified when i do, i wont know it, because im still fucking terrified of loving again.

im so scared i have already fucked up my life, my brain, my chances at love and my body.  what if my life isnt what i want it to be.  what if youre right.  what if i just go around my whole life kissing people i shouldnt kiss and leading good people on until i realise i cant continue because they dont possess the parts i loved in you.  what if i go around seeing the damaging parts of you in people and that pushes me away from good people.  im sof uckin g teffied and nervous and scared and sad and scared and scared and scared. 

i’m scared that no one will understand me like you did. 

[hahahaaahafuckyou]

i’m trying my freaking hardest to fix myself and do things for myself and just look after myself but there are always so many things in the way and a never fucking ending list of obstacles and i know you don’t get it but i fucking wish you did because i think this is one of the only things standing in the way besides my crippling fear of fucking up pieced together with my crippling fear of falling in love again

i dont think you realise how fucked up i am.  i dont think even i realise it. 

[cuntwaffleyas]

[shefoundherselfsomehow]

I think we were meant to be but we did it wrong.

(via 1forher)

[understudier-deactivated2016012]

It’s going to hurt, God it’s going to hurt. It’s going to feel like your insides are falling apart. You’ll want to die. You’ll want to scream. You’ll do anything you can to stop it from hurting so much. But then one day you’ll be able to wake up without the thought of them making you sick. You won’t cry when someone mentions them and the memories hit you. As time passes you’ll feel alive again and your heart will put itself back together.

It’s a process (via understudier)

[anxi]

[loveserum-deactivated20191021]

It’s not that I even love you anymore. I don’t feel the buzz in my fingers when I talk to you. There’s no humming in the veins that send the blood to my heart. Not anymore. I know that melancholy vibrates through my brain each time I think of the way I used to call you the love of my fucking life and nostalgia burns in my throat each time I think of the way you said I was your future, but I don’t love you anymore. You shattered every part of my heart and I- I gave you everything I could and it wasn’t enough. You don’t get to try to bandage the destruction you caused. You don’t get to compare yourself to every person I meet in the back of my head like a whispered promise that I’ll never find anyone like you. You don’t get to live in the fraction of a second when I kiss someone else and be the only thing I can think of. I hate that I wonder what you’re doing in that moment and I hate that all I want to know is if your heart burns like mine does. What I’m trying to tell you is that I’m not fucking in love with you anymore, but. But. God, do I remember when I was.

I wish you would get out of my head (via extracold)

[nwumb]

maybe we had bad timing maybe we were toxic to each other maybe we’re meant for each other in another life i still miss you. // Pt 1. Craigslist Confessions.