an anonymous journal

I truly feel I'm meant to be somewhere else. I prefer to remain anonymous.

[hairbugs]

I've never felt so out place & complete at the same time. How is this possible? I don't know what to do.

[hairbugs]

My heterosexual hiccup.

Life has been a struggle recently. My mom being in the hospital for the first time ever has been traumatic to say the least. Good news seems to be coming her way & I couldn’t be more thankful.

As for my love life, my heart has been uncontrollably divided out. I can’t help it; I am with him. Publicly, officially, signed a lease together with him but yet I can’t stop thinking about her. We made passionate love, talked about moving in together - everything was perfect until we both had a heterosexual hiccup. The last thing I heard from her was she needed her space from me because her all of a sudden boyfriend was uncomfortable with mine & hers friendship. I could have been just friends & been okay with it. The fact it made him uncomfortable meant that she talked about me as more than just a friend that she fooled around with during sleepovers sometimes; which honestly is all I thought we had between us. The fact he felt threatened by how she described her & I leaves me curious, flattered & wanting.

Had I known, we could have been perfect together.

[hairbugs]

My urge to escape or flee is stronger than it ever has been. But now I have an anchor keeping me here. I've never felt so claustrophic, confused, stuck & obligated in my entire life.

[hairbugs]

Your advances haven't stopped, but their nature has changed. You don't care about me anymore, only about how good I was when you fucked my mouth, how you made me squirm from your touch alone. Like you're some god to me still. My skin crawls at the thought of what I let you do to me. Your incessant advances built this wall. You're gone from my mind; not because I'm strong, you've been replaced. Maybe I'll write about him some day, but it sure as hell won't be about you - ever again.

how I feel about you today, an anonymous journal.

[hairbugs]

I'm starting to forget you.

[hairbugs]

It’s hard not to have feelings for you. I want you." I knew we couldn’t be, but I still loved hearing it. From that time on, I was always ready for you, waiting for you. Wanting you to kiss me. Longing for you to grab me. Yearning for you to pull me close. Just wanting you to touch me. Our arms would graze, I would look to see if you noticed. Sometimes you did. One time you touched my hand behind your back during a time we should not have been touching. I guess really there was never a time that we should have touched. What we were doing was wrong. Although comfortable, wrong.

how I feel about you today, an anonymous journal.

[hairbugs]

did he break your heart

No I didn't even get the chance to give it to him in the first place.

[hairbugs]

I still think about that day. You surprised me; I think you surprised yourself. Pure longing & desire. Hands placed with conscious intent. How many times did you think about this moment? We were inevitable. Destined to come together in this moment, in this way. There was a passion behind your lips. And behind mine. I said there wouldn’t be. I swore it. Silently, profoundly - I swore it. Not only was it present - it was thriving. We were entangled. In the moment, in eachother. Pressing against me, pawing at me. Your desire was palpable. I let go. No clothes were shed that day. Our bodies did not meet. Something happened still. Our want for eachother so strong, it forced us apart. Still unable to bring ourselves to say goodbye, can’t help but hope we’ll come together again. Like heroin, with heavy guilt, it will never be like the first time. But I still think about that day.

how I feel about you today, an anonymous journal.