Haleema Saadia @haleemasaadia - Tumblr Blog

“Mein tenu smjhawan ki, na tere baajo lgda jee”

The poet’s inability to tell her lover how difficult it is for him to live without her just sums up love for me. But what fun is love if you can explain it? Pyaar to aisa hou jo na smjh mein aye na smjhana aye. -Haleema Saadia

Last night I had a very unpleasant dream. You know when you dream of the most unreal things? It was one of those. I saw my mum but it was her farewell. Farewell to this world. She knew, I knew and so did everyone else that she was to leave us soon. It was depressing. But I had a realisation. I was reminded that this had already happened. And some part of myself was relieved to know that I am not going through it for the first time. But then I woke up. I just couldn’t know what to make of it. I did see her. It was comforting. I wanted to reach out. Tell her I miss her but I was distant. Like a shadow. Always with her but never beside her. Sometimes when you loose someone so close to you, you can’t understand how you manage to live without them. How it comes so naturally. And why does it comes so naturally. I would be doing the most mundane things and it would hit me. And my heart would just sink. I will question myself “haleema, mama is no more”. But then I would hush my thoughts and push them on the far end of my mind. Never dealing with them. Never taking out the time to clear the trauma. But this is not what I came to share here. We went to Islamabad today. Every place reminds me of her. The day she passed away, Islamabad was just a gloomy city. Despite being so incredibly beautiful, I just never saw it the same way again. It was special because I had spend half of my life there with her. This tiny vlog is just a trip down the memory lane. Hope you all like it. - Haleema Saadia

I remember when I used to wake up earlier than everyone else. It would be a Saturday and as much as I wanted to sleep in late, I just couldn’t. I would creep out of the room and make sure my older brother doesn’t follow me. I would then make my way to the door and check if the newspaper was sitting with the plants. And thankfully, it would be there. I would pick it up, bring it inside and quite carefully try to find the kids newspaper. But I never found it. Disappointed, I would go back inside and turn on the tv. And then everyone else would wake up. And my father would see if the newspaper was there. I would keep sitting because I knew he will call my name and hand me the kids section. And so he opens it and delicately pulls it out. I stand there with utter wonder trying to fathom how he managed to find it. But he always did. And when I was handed the paper, I would just be lost inside it. It had a poster in the middle and such interesting content. Today when I saw it, I was reminded of the sweetest memories of my childhood. Throwback Saturday? I think so yes. -Haleema Saadia

achi chai or achay dost, name a better combo. -Haleema Saadia

Have you ever caught yourself whispering “I’ve been doing good or it’s not as bad as it was or I am okay, I am fine”? Because I caught myself doing that just few hours ago. It was so heartwarming because my subconscious has never been kind to me. It has always put me down but today was different. I was recalling this past year and though it has been an year since mum passed away, I never thought I’d ever get a chance to say this here. But I am doing good. I feel like the wound has started to heal. It doesn’t sting as bad as it used to. I have come to terms with it. And if anyone reading this thinks it’s easy. Hell no. It is not easy. It takes a lot of breaking down and building up. It takes several panic attacks, mental breakdowns. It doesn’t happen in a blink of an eye. So to anyone reading this who’s struggling, I just want to tell you quite sincerely that you will be okay. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after but you will be okay. Happy new year! ✨-Haleema Saadia

The past Wednesday, I were to say goodbye to my husband as he was going away for work. I was dreading it the second he told me he were to leave. I haven’t been much of a crier after my mother’s death. Because sometimes there are certain feelings felt way too deeply. They don’t require shedding tears to express pain. Because this is the sort of pain that stays with you. So can you cry all the time? No. But are you always missing that person. Yes. You miss that person as you sleep and as you wake up. You miss them when you’re smiling and laughing. You miss them when you see their favourite snacks in the grocery store. You miss them when you listen to a song that reminds you of them. For me it’s the song “ap humari jaan ban gaye”. Jan in urdu means life. Breathing, beating. And jan in persian means soul. So to call someone jan really just sums it all up. -Haleema Saadia

“A few days ago I met someone who asked me a question. A question I so deeply hesitated to answer. The question she asked me was “who is haleema?”. At first, I thought of all the things I despised about myself. As I began to answer, a huge lump surged forward in my throat. What has it come to, Haleema? I asked myself. Out of all the things you could shed tears on, you decide to do it on something as simple as a question. Truth is, no one had really asked me this. Heck, not even myself. So I told her. I said I don’t know. Maybe because I never tried to get to know myself. I was just busy self sabotaging. I was just busy hiding myself in corners. Under sheets. The question however was thought provoking and I began answering despite my inability to. I told her, Haleema has been robbed of trust. Haleema is an empathiser. Haleema is dauntless and a bit scared too. Haleema thinks of her life as a movie and herself as a protagonist. Haleema sometimes also loses control over her emotions and they tend to get the best of her. But she is proud of herself, regardless.” - Haleema Saadia

positivelyqueer

There’s power in telling yourself ”no we don’t do that anymore” in response to self destructive urges.

Do you know love?

And do you know love after loss? Unsettling, no? It is heart wrenching to not be able to deal with all the love your heart still has the tendency to give but the person it wants to share it with just isn’t in the same world as you. And then it becomes grief.

You sit in a room full of people but you don’t hear conversations. You look up at the sky and as cliche as it may sound, one star shining it’s brightest seems like that person is looking out for you. When the cold breeze hits you in the face at 7 in the am. When every love song reminds you of them and them only. When Arjit Singh says “pal bhar thehar jao, dil ye smbhal jaye.”

But then it transitions to empathy. You see other people dealing with loss and your heart reaches out to them. You want to help them. You want to talk about it. You want the noise to hush and difficult conversations to begin. You start connecting with people and it becomes a superpower. So pain is just pain unless you make it something else. Unless you make an armour out of that pain. To protect yourself and your loved ones. -Haleema Saadia

جان نثار ہے جان نثار، تیرے پیار پے میرے یار۔

Your absence has been very unkind to me, come home. -noor unnahar

siphonophore-collective-deactiv

I spent the day hammering nails into walls because therapy just isn’t for me. I over work myself so I don’t have to deal with the trauma at the back of my mind. I overdose on caffeine to get rid of the throbbing pain in my head. I run away from everything because closure seems unavailable at the moment. -Haleema Saadia

سرِ لا مکان سے طلب ہوئی

sar-e-la-makaan se talab hui

A command came from the Placeless Origin

سوئے منتہا وہ چلے نبی

soo-e-muntaha wo chale nabi (SAW)

Towards the final boundary [of the universe], the Prophet (SAW) went

کوئی حد ہے اُن کے عروج کی

koi had hai un ke urooj ki

Is there any limit to his ascent?

بَلَغَ الْعُلا بِكَمالِهِ

balaghal-ula bi-kamaalihi

He (SAW) reached the highest place through his perfection

✨❤️☀️

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I don’t have the secret wardrobe leading to Narnia but I have this. It’s like a pathway. One where I put my worries behind with every step that I take. So I recommend taking some time out for yourself. Preferably some place close to nature. It helps. -Haleema Saadia

The closest I could get to the secret wardrobe leading to Narnia.

“There was something unmistakably exultant about the mess that Eric had made. His bedroom-studio was at once the canvas, journal, museum, and midden of her life. He did not “decorate” it; he infused it.”

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