230 AM- husband is drunk, playing video games all day. I have complained multiple times how tired I am. I can’t sleep. Hence the 230 AM. He complains he’s tired. I haven’t gotten more than 3-4 hours at a time in like 8 months. I have a 5 month old screaming at me all goddamn day. My mom is in the ICU from alcohol withdrawal. She’s hallucinating, combative and they’re sedating her. She’s been there since 8/2. I’m in pain, haven’t been for like a month, my neck or a nerve in it was pulled and I’m in agony today. Baby cries. He takes baby and annoyed tells me to relax. I can’t because now he’s mad at me. He gives me baby at 7. I try to get her to sleep, he’s playing games. She wakes up, I spend another hour getting her back to sleep. It’s 9 now. I have to make dinner and attempt to have some happiness in my day. I get off computer around 10p. I want to go to bed. Can’t sleep.
130 AM I finally get to sleep, my cat has a seizure. Deal with him. Try to go back to sleep. 2 AM ask my husband if he plans to come to bed and if he’s alive. He comes into the room for sex. I decline. He leaves. Now I’m sleeping in my 5 month olds room, she’s going to wake up soon. Yay. Still can’t sleep and I don’t want to go get a melatonin and wake her by opening the door.
My depression is so heavy. My husband doesn’t give a fuck.
I want my mom back. I want a husband who cares. I want people who care. I wish I could leave sometimes.
My baby is almost 4 months old and I’m so grateful for her. I love her more than you can even imagine and can’t imagine a life where she isn’t here.
But
This is hard. I can’t get anything done. The house is a mess. Dishes aren’t done. Laundry isn’t done. All my hobbies are put to the side. And I’m so tired every single day I could collapse half way through.
Husband went back to work 5/1 and I’ve been doing the best I can by myself. I don’t have much help and I don’t want to ask the only people who do help for help because it’s just too much.
Husband is home in the morning, but instead of taking baby so I can sleep, as I take night feedings, he’ll play video games and get ready for work stuff. I partially understand, but I’m also finding myself super upset with him for not thinking of me and what I do all day and also not wanting to bond with his daughter. He spends time with her when he has to, it’s never elective and that hurts me a lot. His parents didn’t show him a lot of love when he was growing up so maybe he doesn’t know how to express that. Maybe she’s just too little and too boring to do things with. Idk.
I’m getting overwhelmed easier, she’s getting easier in some areas and more difficult in the others. I get frustrated and will decide we’re going to have a simple day and then feel guilty because she didn’t do enough tummy time, we didn’t practice to roll, we didn’t read books or talk very much. I feel like I’m because of me she’s going to be behind on her milestones even though she’s right there or ahead right now.
Sometimes it’s easier not having husband home. Then I don’t expect the help or a reprieve from the crying, I just have to suck it up and do it. But when she’s crying and he’s in the other room enjoying his hobbies, it’s hurtful.
I tried to have this conversation, it turned into a 2 day fight. A whole day of him not talking to me. He went to a friends house one night (which is fine) and didn’t invite me to come along (also fine) and when he got there and they asked where I was, he invited me, but didn’t feel like he wanted me there, just put on a show for friends. Then he worked a double the next day. I’ve been suffering in silence because it’s easier that way.
But I’m declining, my mental health, my physical health, all of it. I’m having a really difficult time.
She’s asleep right now. It’s midnight. She’ll be up to eat in a couple hours, which I ALWAYS take. I can’t turn my brain off to sleep. I feel guilty for not having a better day with her. I feel guilty that there’s a hundred things I need to do and need to build. Guilty the house is a mess and laundry isn’t done. Dishes piling up. Counters full of trash.
Everyone told my mom she wouldn’t be able to see my baby if she didn’t quit drinking.
She went to detox and rehab, was feeling so hopeful.
2 days after she got home she relapsed. I was supportive, I told her tomorrow is a new day and to keep pushing through. Stay strong.
She said she would because she wants to be part of my babies life, she wants to do this with her other grandkids.
My step dad caught her dumping a bottle of vodka into a yeti and then said she isn’t going to dump it because she wants it.
He reminded her of everything she’s going to lose. Her kids. Her grandkids. Her family. Him.
She doesn’t care. She chooses alcohol.
I’m so heartbroken. I used to envision my mom in the room with me helping me through birth. Staying with me to help with the baby. Babysitting like she did with my nephew, really growing close and bonding.
I’ll never get that, she’ll never know Mimi. How to process the grief of losing your mom to an addiction that she lost everyone to. How do you just give up on everything and choose alcohol.
Alright alright, I’ll go back to writing some imagines and stuff, idk about a full fic, I’ll have to rekindle my thoughts on my Derek romance, which come to think of it, could do! Send some requests man
Finally a party at my house! I’ve been waiting for a weekend off, just for this. Stiles has been begging to come over to go swimming in the pool. Lydia said she had enough of pools since finding a dead body in one a while back, but Jackson was excited to work on his tan and show off how great he looked without a shirt. His shit eating smirk present as he walked through the gate, shirt already off, towel over his shoulder. 90 degrees, bright and sunny. I’ve been sweating my ass off since 10 AM.
“Hey!” I called out, waving chaotically as Stiles and Scott followed behind Jackson. Stiles waved the two handles of vodka around, mouth open in a grin, dancing into the gate. Scott smiled and shook his head, joining him.
“You know, it would’ve been nice for someone to help!” Allison called, hobbling in with the cooler.
“Oh, so we’re blacking out tonight?” I raised my eyebrows after looking into the cooler, finding only white claws and another bottle of whiskey. Top shelf at that. “Is your dad coming or something?”
Allison laughed, taking the whiskey out of my hand, “No, but he has good taste in whiskey and I have no money”. She flicked the cap off and took a swig. God she was such a badass. She raised her eyebrows at me, handing me the bottle. I shrugged and took a deep swig as well. Never had whiskey taste good. It might have burned the entire way down but it was so smooth and tasty, I didn’t even shutter as it went down. She gave me a grin that immediately made me feel more confident in myself.
“Well, share!” Lydia popped up, taking the bottle from my hands. Allison and I laughed it off.
Scott and Stiles were setting up the table I had in the shed outside, pouring shots and grabbing drinks from the cooler to get the party started. “Hey!” Stiles exclaimed again, throwing his arm around my shoulders, “shots to go around!” Scott slid me a coke across the table, knowing it’s my go to chaser. Vodka was not my favorite, but it was the best liquor my body tolerated. He shot me a wink, making me blush. I knew he wasn’t flirting, nor was I into him, but I couldn’t help but find him attractive anyway.
“By the way” Scott said, tapping the shot glass on the table and then slamming it back, “We invited Derek”. I sputtered on the vodka, trying my best to not have it come out of my nose. Been there, done that, very painful, do not want a repeat. Coughing up a lung, I swung my gaze to Stiles, “and he said he’s coming”.
FUCK! Wish I knew that sooner. I only met him once, and I was told he was a hard ass. Hard exterior, follow the rule, don’t make a mess, don't tolerate you being an idiot, type of guy. But by looking at him, I knew that hard shell had a warm gooey inside, and I wanted to see that part of him more than anything. Stiles tapped me on the back while I had my existential crisis.
Scott and Stiles took a running jump into the deep end, both doing a cannonball for maximum splash on Jackson.
“What the fuck!?” he growled, eye’s shifting blue in annoyance. He dabbed his chest off with the towel on the table beside him. The boys just laughed and splashed each other more. I blew up some of the beach balls I bought and threw them in. Allison joined them shortly after that, but Lydia didn’t want to get her hair wet yet.
I heard the gate open and all 6 foot, tan skin of Derek Hale walked through. Dark ray bans covering his eyes, his beard trimmed. Walking in like a greek god holding a case of beer under one arm. My breath caught. Why was he so goddamn pretty? I couldn’t see his eyes, but I knew they locked for a brief second before I got up to say hi. Isaac followed in shortly after, thankfully with the food I asked him to bring. I knew that wasn’t just a pretty face, he was a great cook.
“Hi!” I said enthusiastically, hating myself for how desperate I sounded. He grinned, greeting me back, “there’s a cooler if you need to put the beer in there, and Isaac, you can start up the grill”.
“Thanks” Isaac rolled his eyes slightly.
“Pool looks awesome” Derek complimented, taking a look around after cracking a beer open, “want one?”
“No, I’m not a beer person but I’ll take a shot with you!” There’s only one way to break open that hard exterior at a party. Alcohol.
“Nah” he shrugged, taking a sip.
“C’mon” I nudged him with my shoulder. It ended up hitting his ribs due to being almost a foot shorter than him. He chuckled and shook his head. “I’ll give you a dollar.”
He barked out a laugh, his teeth on full display. “I don’t need a dollar.”
“Ugh!” he’s impossible, “what about a 2 dollar bill, super cool, and all yours for the price of one shot!”
He shook his head again, smiling down at me, “what do you have?”
“Yay!” I leaped, pointing my head to the table in the shed with the liquor. “Mostly vodka, but Allison brought a little bit of whiskey’”.
He shrugged, “dealers choice”. I broke out all the shot glasses I owned for this day and gave the largest glass with little bitch on it. He was a werewolf after all, he was going to need a lot to get his gooeyness to come out. He cocked his eyebrows when he saw how much I poured for him. “Please, this is like a normal shot for a supernatural creature of the night.”
“Ouch” he placed his hand over his heart, “but fair.” We clinked our glasses together and threw them back. I made one shot, two shots because I was always afraid of it coming out of my nose if I took too much. Derek threw the double back like it was water.
“Come on in!” Scott called. Derek shrugged, chugged the beer he was nursing and took a running dive into the deep end, throwing his shirt off in the process. I was in awe. His back muscles flexing as he raised his arms up for the perfect dive.
“Stop drooling” Jackson muttered from the chair he was sitting in, lathering oil so his skin would sizzle.
“Can werewolves even tan?” I narrowed my eyes at him. Isn’t tanning your skin cells dying and then they have super healing powers?
“Obviously” he laid back, putting his sunglasses into place.
Derek popped up, ran his hand down his face, blowing the water off his mouth, and running his hand through his hair.
“Coming?” I shook my head, it felt too intimidating to go into the water with him, going over to Isaac instead who was on the grill.
“So super rare burgers or what?” I teased, but thankfully he laughed at my stupid joke.
“Werewolf jokes, huh?” he flipped a burger over, clearly not rare, but almost burnt.
“I thought you were a good cook?”
“Hey, the first one always turns out bad” he shrugged, “give it to Jackson as a chew toy”.
“Heard that!” he called, not looking our way. I tried to stifle the laugh but it huffed out of me before I could stop it.
I sat and watched the guys and Allison play chicken in the pool. Scott was holding up Allison while Derek was holding up Stiles. Shockingly it was evenly matched with Derek’s mass and balance able to hold up Stiles easily, and Allison being a skilled fighter able to maintain her balance and take innocent Stiles down easily. She cheered as Stiles took the fall, Derek holding him under for just a second. Derek would likely win if he was the chicken, but no one was strong enough to hold him up.
Food was done a while later so everyone got out to eat. Stiles brought me a shot to take, and Derek got another beer. I was thoroughly distracted by his shirtlessness but tried to hide my eyes behind my sunglasses as best I could.
“What are we listening to?” Derek asked, eyeing me. I flicked my watch to see the band, “it’s All Time Low”.
“Fucking love them” Scott commented, singing dear maria as the chorus came on.
“What do you want to listen to?” I rolled my eyes at Derek, “country? Want some Garth Brooks?”
“What do you know about Garth Brooks?” he chuckled.
“Oh you think because I’m younger than you I don’t know the old stuff?” I put on Friends in Low Places and sang along. He nodded to the music, a stupid smile on his face. I hope I put the stupid smile on his face.
“You get another shot for doubting me” I smirked, heading to the table to pour him another shot. He slammed it back with no problem as I struggled through mine.
“Alright, pool time for you” he grinned, grabbing my wrist before I could get away.
“NO!” I screamed, trying to twist out of his grip, only for him to pull me into him and wrap his arms around my waist and lifted me up like a weighed nothing.
Scott and Stiles were cheering as I wiggled in his grip, trying my hardest to give him a hard time, but nothing was stopping him from throwing me over. I couldn’t even get a grip on him to be able to pull him in with me.
“Ready?” he said into my ear, I could hear the smile in his voice. My heart was pounding both from the closeness and not wanting to be thrown in the pool. “You don’t have your phone on you right?”
“What if I do? I challenged.
He rolled his eyes with a small huff, holding me to him with one arm and patting my pockets with his other, “you’re good”, he smirked and then threw me in without hesitation. My scream cut off as I hit the water, bubbled rising to the top.
I took my tshirt off and wrung it out over him when I got out, not that it mattered, he was already in the pool.
“Alright, alright, come here” he grinned, pulling me into a hug. I’ll take that apology any time.
“You’re taking another shot though” I challenged again, ready to get this man’s drunk. His gooey side was starting to peak out and I was thoroughly enthralled.
“You’re taking a double with me” he winked.
“No sir” I shook my head. He draped his arm around me to lead me over the table.
“C’mon, I thought you wanted to get drunk”
“I never said that, I said I wanted to get YOU drunk” I poked fun at him.
“Oh so you’re trying to take advantage of me” he winked, pouring his double shot and then filling a bigger glass with a double for me.
“Only if you let me” I inched toward him with the shot in my hand, “I’m only taking one.”
“You’re gonna take both” he cocked his eyebrow, taking his double, maybe triple shot down, “your turn”.
I shook my head and put some coke into my mouth before taking the vodka, there’s no way I’m taking two shots, I was already tipsy, I didn’t need to black out 2 hours into the party. A shiver wracked through me. Vodka was terrible.
“C’mon” he urged me, seeing there was still alcohol in there.
“No, I think I’m good,” I giggled, putting the cup down.
He gave me a devious smirk and pulled me against him, one arm around my waist, holding my back to his chest. His other hand grabbed the cup of the liquor and put it in my hand, “you got it”, he curved his body down to say directly into my ear.
“Derek-”
“C’mon” he urged again, getting my coke ready for the chaser. Fine. I mean, how can I say no when he’s literally holding me to his body until I do. My heart was pounding again, I didn’t need this extra shot to feel the dizzying sensation of his arm around me. I begrudgingly took it and threw it down. He took the cup and traded it with the coke quickly.
“Good girl” he whispered in my ear, brushing his lips against my cheek and letting me go. I watched him walk away from me like that was a fever dream, or if I already blacked out and dreamt this.
Stiles had his mouth open in awe as Derek walked away, probably seeing the entire thing. Lydia and Allison were grinning at me.
I knew that guy had a warm gooey center. Didn’t expect the praise kink to rear its head from his comment though.
We had a pool party on saturday because our pool is finally open and I need people to enjoy it because it's a pain in the ass. So we invite our normal friend ground, Eric's friend from work, Matt, and his roommate Jay. We're great friends with Matt, I would consider him a great friend of mine and someone who will always have my back. His roommate, Jay, is older, in his late fourties, and he's a grumpy sunshine. I met him once before, jabbed at him and made easy conversation so I figured I would break his shell at this party.
So I was hanging out with Jay and Matt mostly because while Matt knew everyone there, Jay didn't and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable in a place he's never been, with people he's never been around. At least he knew Matt, Eric and I. Eric was in the pool and I was just hanging out having fun banter with Jay and Matt, honestly having a great time. Taking shot together, begging Jay to join because he's a whiskey guy and all we had was vodka, but he conceded and joined us, yay!
Got him drunk, my bad, didn't know he couldn't hold vodka, and he started to get a little flirty, which honestly, I didn't pick up at first, or subconsciously I just didn't mind. I've been married for 10 years, sometimes it's nice to know that other people might like me. He's fun, he takes the piss easily and gives it back without hurting your feelings. He threw me in the pool with my brother and to apologize, he gave me a really nice hug, which I took because I was wet and was like fuck you Jay, now you get to be wet, but now looking back, maybe that's not the reason he wanted the hug.
Later, I called him out for not taking a shot with me, he said I had to take my 2 shots and then another, I said no- I'm only doing these two right here. We fake fought, he grabbed me and put me in a headlock and said "take the shots, come on" and was like DADDY, SORRY, DADDY? SORRY DADDY!? and when I did, he said "good girl" like excuse me sir, I might be married, but a girl got book fantasies OKAY. Obviously, I didn't care- Matt saw the whole thing, thankfully Eric did not or it would've been even more of an ordeal.
Matt walked away and said "I didn't see anything" which is wasn't anything crazy anyway, or not anything that I couldn't handle. But at that point, I knew a line was crossed and he was being more flirty, so I stepped back. He's drunk and got carried away, nothing crazy. Went back outside and we were sitting next to each other by the fire and when I got up, he pulled me down to sit on his lap. That... I don't like, I don't like sitting in someone's lap in the first place, but it was also in front of my husband, which is a no go.
Matt and Eric followed me inside for something to make sure I was good, and truly I was, i recognized it for flirting and Is stepped away.
BUT NOW THE GUILT OF CAUSING PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE IS EATING ME ALIVE. I texted Matt, he said everything was fine with everyone and I was like okay but??? Is Jay okay? What did he say? I don't want there to be issues with y'all, I still want to come over and have him and Jay come over to hang out because they're fun to hang out with. Honestly I never laugh more than when I'm around them and their other friends who weren't able to make it. The sense of humor we all have it unmatched to anyone else I know and I enjoy their company. Eric was like "okay maybe no Jay for a while" and I was like NO! IT'S FINE- Jay is fun, I had FUN with him AND Matt. Like everything is FINE, I don't want anyone making a thing of it, I rather pretend it didn't happen and move on. He likely knows he went too far, I know not to let it go that far- nothing happened. BUT I feel so guilty, like I caused this, and caused Eric to think differently of me. Idk, things feel off and my stomach has been in fucking KNOTS.
Matt and Eric don't see Jay while they work at least so I guess that's good, but STILL ugh, I made friends with the dude, he can still be invited!!
I’m obsessed with the idea of Tony slowly getting to know Peter just by listening to his voicemails (after Peter gets Tony’s number and starts sending him updates instead of Happy). As time passes, Peter is convinced that Tony hasn’t listened to any of them so he starts getting more and more unhinged and saying way more than he would ever say to Tony’s face and Tony is just lurking, growing more and more fond of this kid that rambles to his voicemailbox.
Peter’s still a shy bean to his face, so he doesn’t mention that yes, he actually does listen to the voicemails in fear of Peter stopping.
And then one day Tony slips up and mentions something that Peter told him in a voicemail and Peter is completely mortified. You mean his mentor actually listens to them? He’s heard Peter regale his most embarrassing school stories and gush about his childhood crush on Thor? He thinks his life is over until Tony panics and tells him that receiving the voicemails is one of the best parts of his day. Peter stares at him like a lost puppy and Tony shies away from the feelings and everything’s as awkward as usual.
But that night, a voicemail comes in, and it’s no different than any of the others. Peter yammers like his heart depends on it, and Tony can’t help but feel that it’s an acknowledgement of the fact that yeah, they may have a difficult time talking to one another in person, but they both care, and maybe if they keep trying, they can make this father-son thing work.
And Tony thinks that next time a phone call rolls in, he just might answer.
