Well Shit: A Transgender Journey

Going through the trials and tribulations of a newly realized transgender. Documenting all the highs and the lows to share for others.

[haleyis-blog]

Oh Tumblr

I won't neglect you. 

I should start watching Doctor Who since it seems I'm the only person that doesn't. 

[haleyis-blog]

NTT?

I've been using my blogger account more than this, but lately, as my home life is currently stuck in neutral, I've been exploring the option of being a non transitioning transsexual. I guess I should clarify. The option part is the non transitioning and not the being transsexual, I didn't get a choice there.

There's VERY little information out there and a lot of other personal accounts and research seem to be against the notion. If I was single and my life circumstances were different, I would explore transition to no end, but that's not the case with me. I made a promise to my wife and my love for her greatly exceeds my love for myself. It's in her hands how to proceed, but if she can stay with me knowing that I'm TS/TG and out (I'm not hiding it, nor am I ashamed anymore), then I want to stay with her. If she can't, then I guess it's HRT for me. I know some in the community claim that it's a do or die thing, and trust me, I was close to the die part, but life isn't always so black and white. 

If anyone else out there is at least exploring this option, I found this site http://anitw.org/ that have some information, though it's a few years old and most likely not updated. Regardless, the two personal stories in the forums were a nice read.

[haleyis-blog]

I haz Tumblr

So in the tug of war between my blog and tumblr, the blog one (becominghaley.blogspot.com). 

I'm sorry Tumblr. 

[haleyis-blog]

Coming Out Is a Bitch

So I'm out to my wife and my best friend. My mom dodged the bullet by not answering her phone.and my mom. First thought: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AM I DOING?! Second thought: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK FUCK AM I DOING?! Third thought: I'm hungry. and now I feel, as I write this currently, nothing. To make a long story short, I went around the "what's wrong" barrel with my wife asking last night until I couldn't hide it anymore. Her response was better and worse than I expected all at once. I think if I told her right then and there that I needed to transition, she would be incredibly supportive. Not once did she get mad at me or blame me for anything. She did the complete opposite of make me feel bad, which funny enough just makes me feel worse. She was inquisitive and felt sorry that I had to deal with this. Conversation turned towards our marriage inevitably. It's pretty clear and nothing unexpected that if I follow through with this after therapy, we will be divorced. I can't blame her. Who ever wanted to marry someone that's transgender? Pretty sure it wouldn't be her. The second I blurted it out to her, I wanted to take it back so fast. The damage has been done now and we can't turn this thing around. Even if I could, she'll know. She'll always know and it will ALWAYS be there in her mind. I know this because she said it, and if I was her (first I wouldn't have this problem but I digress) then I would do the same. This problem, issue, or whatever you want to call it is god damn awful. I'm in therapy because I want help, but it's always going to be there, hiding in the back of my mind or her mind. Both sides of this coin are covered in shit. Heads: I keep my wife, my current life, and internally feel like a fuck pile of freak forever. Tails: I turn into who I feel I am, endure probably heckling/shit kicking out of me, and lose my wife forever, at least in the terms of marriage. My mother just called me in the midst of writing this, so I've lost my train of thought. She took it like my best friend did. Amazing. She is supportive and truly could give one shit. She went on to say that if I transition she would "have to start saving now." I know at the end of this I'm going to lose my wife and that scares me. She didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this.

[haleyis-blog]

Just Don't Think About It!

After, what almost amounts to obsessing for a month over this uh....issue(?), it seems I'm reverting back to old tried and true habits: repressing! I can just fix it all if I don't think about it! 

Day 1 of that didn't work out. Day 2 isn't off to a great start either. Therapy is Wednesday. Thank god. 

[haleyis-blog]

Tag! Your Dick!

Browsing the Transgender, mtf, etc., tags on Tumblr is all fun and games until you've got a big ol' dick on the middle of your screen. Look, I'm "new" to this (ya know, realization and all that) and I understand the many facets under the blanket term that is Transgender, but for me, it is not even close to a fetish and seeing someone in a corset with a massive boner or in a skirt bent over to show their ball sack just makes me feel trivialized and more like I'm some sort of deviant freak.  

To each their own but there are too many things that fall under this one term. There needs to be a weed-out-dicks tag or something

[haleyis-blog]

Except for that part of being a months rent, I like this dress. 

[haleyis-blog]

That's a Bad Idea

I've been thinking heavily about telling someone I know, but then I run down my list of friends and it just seems like a bad idea. It's not that they'd be judgmental, it's that they most likely couldn't keep their mouths shut. I wish I could tell my wife. I'm not being fair to her; sneaking around to therapy and secret blogs. Why can't I just shake it this time? Why are the feelings so strong? 

[haleyis-blog]

Don't Worry, I'm Not Hitting on You

I was out a few nights ago and encountered this girl who had a lovely blue dress on with her hair just right. I wanted to tell her how I loved her outfit and how pretty she was, but I didn't want her to think I was just some creep hitting on her. I just wished I was her. I really like that dress.

[haleyis-blog]

Wah wah wah me me me

Yesterday afternoon up through now have been pretty pretty shitty. I've been experiencing emotions ranging from sadness to absolute disgust and rage with myself. 

I'm sad because this is not something I asked for and there is no winning solution here. I can repress it and keep up appearances, only upsetting myself and no one else or I can embrace it and disappoint my wife and parents. I'm disgusted because I feel like no matter what I do, I'm not whole. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that a few connections fucked up in utero and I've been given a body that doesn't correspond with my brain.

I'm not suicidal, so that's good, but that doesn't mean I'm not secretly wishing that a semi jumps the median and flattens my car. 

My next therapy session isn't for another week and who the hell knows what emotion I'll be experiencing that day. 

Keeping up appearances is tiring. 

[haleyis-blog]

The First

Fuck it, let's just jump in. My birth name is irrelevant so I'll introduce myself as Haley, as I guess I need to be called something. I'm in my mid/late 20's (that's the term for late 20's without trying to feel old right?) and I am transgendered. I am starting this blog to document my journey and share all the wonderful range of emotions and experiences that it entails. Also I'm going to complain. A lot. So since I didn't start this when I came to the actualization of being transgendered, let's play catch up. Much akin to many transgender people out there, I went through all the same things. I wore my mother's clothes when she wasn't home, I felt I was in the wrong body, repressed those feelings for many years, dressed in mom's clothes again, pray I'd wake up a woman, wear mom's clothes again, and so on and so forth. I didn't have a name to it, except that I knew it wasn't something I should talk about. I went through years of this and would mostly repress all the feelings and desires until they went away. I got by 2 years at the most doing that before I'd (poor word term coming up) relapse into those behaviors/thoughts/desires, and then rinse/repeat/repress/relapse. The most recent surge came when Laura Jane Grace of a fairly popular band called Against Me! came out as transgendered. Something about that interview in Rolling Stone sparked that desire again. Usually a quick twirling around in a skirt would bring about some comfort, followed by intense shame, and then I could repress it again, except this time that wasn't the fix. I continued to feel, stronger than ever before, that I was in the wrong body. I wanted to be a woman so badly. A few Google searches later and I finally had a term for it (actually, there's A LOT of terms  apparently). I was transgendered. And let me tell you, that realization was the absolute best and the absolute worst feeling in the world. Since this realization I have stressed immensely about this discovery. I tried even harder to repress it and that hasn't worked so far yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm embracing this TG thing the best I can, but I also have other outside circumstances to worry about (wife, friends, wife, family, wife) and that's the biggest challenge so far. We'll deal with that in a later post. So since this realization about 3 weeks ago I've already started seeing a therapist. I've had one session so far with another scheduled in a few weeks. The first sitting went well and at least confirmed for the initial visit that I was right about being TG. I'm looking forward to the next visit though I know at some point I'm going to have to confront this and decide which way to proceed. At least I'm moving in the right direction. I have quite a few thoughts and stories, so I'll try to update this fairly often. If you're reading this, thank you.