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[halidaia]

Things I have actually said with my friends and family

I forget the context behind almost all of these, but I know they’re all real because I remember realizing how insane they were at the time, even within the context of the conversation, and I wrote them down just for fun. I’m gonna keep adding to this list as we say more and more insane quotes

1. Your body is 80% water. Does that mean you can commit any crime you want?

2. It’s Monday without an M because it’s Thursday

3. Replace everything in your body, including your brain, with ceramic

4. I want to climb into her window wearing my skeleton mask and give her steampunk stuff

5. You use needlenose pliers, and if you have enough of them, you can pick up the pizza

6. You’re late, so I stole your name

7. Reply with a picture of a bigger dick to assert dominance, especially if they thought you were a woman

8. Shoot for the stars, and you’re more likely to hit Portugal or France than the golf balls

9. That’s not a MILF; that’s a literal corpse

10. Oh, no, it’s not a pizza with dumplings on it

11. The mother tore her son’s head off his still-living body, while the other women tore his arms and legs off

12. A cookie cutter in the shape of a woman giving birth is wild

13. What’s that? Can’t read a sentence without a tree?? L

14. Do you want to know how to milk a wasp? We thought of two ways

15. That’s not careful consideration; that’s peer pressure. A name should reflect one’s true personality and unique nature, and a long line of dead farmers from Connecticut is just not accomplishing that for me

[halidaia]

Animals with superpowers

Of course there are stories of humans with superpowers: Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman, Mrs. Incredible, Dracula, the list goes on. There are even useless, scrapped superheroes in these fandoms, like Asbestos Lady or Elongated Man [I’m dead serious; look them up]

You know what I want to see more of? Animals with superpowers. Let’s see a duck who’s faster than a speeding bullet, a hedgehog who’s able to leap the tallest mountain, a frog who’s stronger than steel, an ostrich with lazer eyes

Would the animals be able to control and use their superpowers, the way humans can? Imagine a dog getting frustrated because every time he pants he breathes fire and that just warms him up even more! What would animals do with their powers? Imagine a lazy robin using its telekinesis to outperform even the earliest of birds. How would such creatures have evolved? I guess we are dumping toxic waste and microplastics into the environment at unbelievable rates

[halidaia]

I got away with these

For my History Of Sci-Fi Cinema class, I had to write a 10-page paper on a topic of my choice [something we had studied in class obviously] and I chose Metropolis

Reminder: this was part of the final exam, ⅓ of my grade in this class. I fully wrote these lines into my essay, and submitted them. To my professor.

And I got a B+! 😁 I’m glad this guy has a sense of humor. Anyway, here’s a selection of the ridiculous, out-of-pocket things I actually said in my essay:

1. The guy says "PLEEEEASE don't follow her; that's where the POOR people live!", and Freder says "Shut up classist, this is important to the plot" and goes through the door after her

2. Both Pharaoh and Johann had the same reaction to this news, more or less, that being: "bring it on, biatch!"

3. Humanity did something it shouldn't've done, and suffered the consequences. Rotwang lost control of his creation. FAFO

4. Maybe he'd bring in the military, or kill all their children. Oh wait, he did do that

5. Ultimately, do I believe Metropolis was fully inspired by the parable of Jesus? No. Christians today are WAY too conservative to tolerate such an anti-capitalist and pro-socialist film. Plus, all those machines weren't in the Bible

[halidaia]

Nice argument, unfortunately I’ve already portrayed myself as the chad stoic Johann and you as the virgin Rotwang powerlessly shaking your fist in my face

[halidaia]

One of the first Tweety And Sylvester cartoon addresses a long-standing question

[halidaia]

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here listenin’ to the ‘Trop

[halidaia]

The solution to inflation

People keep saying that prices are never gonna go down. But that doesn’t have to be true

I have a newspaper from the moon landing. One of the food markets advertises their pork steaks for 69¢ per pound. But pigs nowadays are no more valuable than pigs in 1969 were. It’s the same animal, and the expenses [food, medicine, etc] are the same. If anything, pork should be cheaper, because we’ve been selectively breeding pigs to be bigger, which means there’s more pork

The store has to pay the meat processing plant, who has to pay the farmer, and someone has to pay for shipping and packaging. The employees have to be paid their minimum wage too. And all that was packed into 69¢. So the obvious answer is that people being selfish made prices increase. Suddenly everyone starts charging more for goods and services. Selfishness is perhaps the primary reason [because I know it’s not the only reason] prices have gone up. So what if the whole world agreed to bite the bullet and lower the prices of everything, all at once? That would stop inflation

But that’s not practical. That will never happen. And that wasn’t my idea on how to stop inflation when I first wrote this post, either. My solution is more homesteading. What if neighborhoods worked like co-ops: one person raises chickens, one grows fruits, one grows vegetables, one grows herbs, one raises goats, … if we can supply our own food, then demand in stores will go down, and prices will follow. One person alone may not be able to make a difference, but if everyone across the nation, or even the world, started doing this, demand would decrease, so prices would have to go back down

A simpler idea is for the mints to just stop. All day long, they print money. That’s all they do. Millions of dollars a day. What if they just … stopped?? By definition, adding more money into the economy is going to cause inflation due to loss of value. But they could prevent inflation if they stopped making more money literally every single day. Is not once every two days, or even once a week, sufficient?

[halidaia]

Missing pieces

Today, some random questions popped into my mind. They aren’t related to eachother. I just want to write them down here so I don’t forget them, and if any one of you can answer them for me, then I’d be very grateful

Dogs can differentiate between eachother by smell. They can also differentiate between species by smell, so they do know that humans and dogs are different species. Dogs don’t recognize themselves in a mirror, but they do recognize other dogs. When my dog is in the car, she’ll see other dogs walking by on the street and get excited. But she can’t smell them, only see them. She knows by sight alone that they are the same as she. But how does she know what she looks like? If she can’t identify that they are dogs by scent, then she has to do it by sight. If she can see them and think “they’re like me”, then she has to have some idea of what she looks like. But how? Since she can’t recognize herself in a mirror, then how can she have any idea what she looks like? And if she doesn’t know what she looks like, then how can she know that others are like her?

Prototaxites was a giant fungus hundreds of millions of years ago, before trees existed. The only plants that existed on land at the time were around 10 cm tall at the most, non-vascular moss and grass and stuff. But fungi like prototaxites are decomposers. How is a short grass the size of my hand producing enough dead organic matter to sustain a 7-meter tall fungus? Maybe there were other plants we don’t know about because they aren’t in the fossil record. Either that, or prototaxites could do things we don’t know about, like eat, photosynthesize, radiosynthesize, chemosynthesize, or something else entirely unknown. Based on our current knowledge, though, what are the theories of how prototaxites sustained itself?

How do instinctive behaviors evolve? When a crocodile catches a deer, it’ll do the death roll. Now I can understand if a crocodile thought “I can’t chew very well because of the shape of my jaws, but I can chomp with the best of ‘em, and I can swallow nearly anything”, so it developed the death roll as a habit, as a way of breaking every bone in the animal and maybe even tearing its body in half to make it easier to swallow. But that would be a conscious habit developed by one crocodile. So, how does every individual of the entire species develop the same habit, so much so that it gets integrated into their DNA, and even freshly hatched crocodiles know to do the death roll? Or, if it isn’t habit that turns into instinct, then how does instinct develop?

[halidaia]

There’s no way they think this is helpful

See, here’s the thing. If I 𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓭𝓮𝓭 a list for grocery reminders, I’d’ve 𝓶𝓪𝓭𝓮 a list for grocery reminders. Ts pmo to an unreasonable degree. They force AI down our throats as if they actually believe it’s for the betterment of society. I do not need AI reminder suggestions. Reminders exist to do one thing: remind me. You, the Reminders app, you don’t need intelligence. Just do your one job and don’t tell me how to live my life or how to organize my list

And I wouldn’t even mind, if this was something I could just turn off. But I can’t. That’s the infuriating part. Why are they doing this to us?? And why aren’t they giving us a choice about it?!??

That AI bubble cannot burst fast enough for me. And when it does, I want every single one of every big company’s shareholders who made this happen to end up homeless and die unloved.

[halidaia]

How we choose our opinions

I’m pretty left-leaning, but there are certainly times in my life when I have supported the conservative side of an issue. Here are some examples of opinions I’ve held at different points in my life:

1. DEI shouldn’t exist. People should be getting jobs strictly based on merit, not just because they’re of a certain group. Favoring one group artificially is racism. Plus, DEI isn’t even being done out of the kindness of our hearts. It’s being done because corporations want to look sensitive and caring for the public eye

2. Non-white Santa dolls shouldn’t exist. Santa was a real historical figure who did actually exist, and he was white

3. Gay marriage shouldn’t be legal. The mother and father are naturally different in temperament, so they naturally balance eachother out and cover eachother’s weaknesses. I worry that children growing up in gay households may experience more unhealthy family dynamics

4. Trans athletes shouldn’t compete with cis athletes because weight class, muscle mass, body profile, bone density, and lung capacity, among other things, would certainly give one an unfair advantage over another

However, the instant I learn more about any issue, I always switch to the left side

1. Hiring purely based on skill and merit seems ideal, but it is actually unfair as well because many races and ethnicities in America still face discrimination. This discrimination makes it hard for them to get good education and good opportunities, which is 100% not their fault nor their choice. This is a circular problem: people are in poverty, so they can’t afford a good education, so they can’t get opportunities, so they stay in poverty, so their children can’t get opportunities, and it just keeps going like that forever. This is not fair. If the only way to break the cycle is to reserve opportunities for people who could be just as skilled but never even had a chance, then so be it

2. Santa today isn’t anything like the real historical Santa. Santa today is a figure of generosity, mercy, and joy, and while that is true of the real Santa too, the real one didn’t fly around on a sleigh pulled by magic reindeer delivering presents to the entire world in one night. Santa today is a mythical figure, not a real one, and children of all races deserve to have such a wonderful and generous figure to look up to, and more importantly, one they can identify with. If it makes a child happy to think that Santa, one of the most universally beloved characters, is the same as them, then why on earth shouldn’t we let them think that and be happy?

3. Homosexuality has been observed in over 1500 animal species. The question people always ask is, if gay people can’t reproduce, then why hasn’t homosexuality evolved away yet? The answer is that homosexuality serves a very important function in the animal kingdom. If a female penguin finds a suitable mate, she’ll lay an egg with him. If she finds a better mate, she’ll abandon the egg. This happens literally all the time. This behavior of acting against their species’ own best interest would’ve made penguins extinct by now, were it not for the gay penguins, who swoop in to take care of the abandoned egg. This is what gays do in the animal kingdom: they exist to take care of those who got left behind, the orphans. The foster system is overloaded as it is, and every child deserves a loving home. Who are we to decide that absolutely none of the millions of same-sex couple on earth could be suitable for that?

4. People say “oh couldn’t Mike Tyson just claim to be a woman?” The answer is no, and there are two reasons: one for the right, and one for the left. For the right, neither Mike Tyson nor any self-respecting athlete would even consider doing that. Imagine being a man who’s too cowardly to take on other men. Society would hate you, and the industry would ostracize you. For the left, people have been cut out of their families for coming out as trans. Trans people face all kinds of discrimination and systemic issues every single day. You think saying you’re only pretending to be trans would make that all go away? No! It would make the world hate you even more, because people see that as making fun of a very serious issue. Pretending to be trans to beat up cis women is never under any circumstances worth it. It’s like spending a million dollars to earn a hundred

I draw two conclusions from this

First, there is a term called the “Diploma Divide”: people with a college education are more likely to vote left on any given political issue, while people who didn’t go to college or didn’t finish highschool are more likely to vote right. There is a stark, noticeable, and consistent contrast between the two demographics and how they vote. We’re seeing this in action with me: when I was 15 or younger, I was uninformed, so I supported the side that made sense to my simple brain, for the one and only reason that I didn’t have a good perspective on the issue, because I was missing a ton of crucial information. Trump still won twice, so it’s not like the Diploma Divide is making any meaningful difference in society, but it’s still a moral victory: it shows that the left is the side of reason and intelligence, while the right is the side of rage and misunderstanding

Second, changing your opinion when you get new information is 100% okay, and is actually the correct and necessary thing to do. What kind of egotistical donkey is too stubborn to change their opinion in the face of literal indisputable facts? Society portrays someone who changes their opinion as a traitor, because we’ve developed such a stigma around doing anything that even comes close to admitting that you were wrong. But how can you expect everyone’s first impressions to be correct 100% of the time? Changing your opinion doesn’t make you a hypocrite. If you’re only looking at a situation from one angle, you’re missing most of it. You have to see it from multiple different angles in order to observe stuff that was previously hidden to you

[halidaia]

Whoever invented targeted advertising, I want you to know that your entire life’s work developing complex predictive algorithms was a waste, because the algorithms don’t work. And whoever thought even for a second that this would be a good ad to show me, I want to punch you in the face

[halidaia]

Celebrity doppelgängers that feel illegal: Laura Loomer and the haunted puppet from The Twilight Zone

[halidaia]

Y’all … Pray for the innocent …

[halidaia]

Thought y’all might appreciate this

The Samoan language literally has a word for people who would rather hide in the woods than entertain guests or meet people at a party!

[halidaia]

Stackable contractions!

Tired of clumsy words? Tired of taking all the trouble to spell “I’d have”? Sick of seeing people write “I’d of” like idiots? Regular contractions just aren’t cutting it. There’s gotta be an easier way!

Well now there is! From the makers of contractions, come stackable contractions! Now you can mix contractions together, creating your very own sentences within a word! Now, you can say “I’d’ve” or “I’dn’t’ve”. Just listen to our satisfied customers:

“I’ve been using stackable contractions for over ten years, and boy I wish they started sooner! This’d’ve saved me seconds”

- Some Guy

“I love how they’re so efficient and yet still intelligible as words. Thanks, stackable contractions!”

- Someone Else Probably

“English doesn’t need to be abbreviated further”

- My 4th Grade Teacher [from when I first came up with this idea]

How do they work? It’s quite simple! Just take two existing abbreviations, like “I’ve” and “Wouldn’t”, and then mash them together to create “I’dn’t’ve”, which, as you can see, is far more efficient that “I would not have”. You can even use it in ways you wouldn’t expect, like “I’mn’t” for “I am not”

Where do your extra vowels go? We’re proud to announce our partnership with NobodyCares Charities that will be donating all the dropped vowels into the Arabic language! They’re so poor they can only afford long vowels, not short ones, but with NobodyCares, we plan to give every Arabic word written vowels by the year 200000000000!

To order stackable contractions, simply call 1-555-555-5555, or buy online at www.icantaffordawebsitelol.com/shop. Order within the next three seconds, and you’ll get a free 0.00001% discount!

[halidaia]

Said the inventor of Dino nuggies …

“Not only will I murder you, I will carve your meat into the shape of your ancestors for my children to enjoy as a snack”

[halidaia]

Self-eugenics

If I had a hereditary disease that’s basically a curse, like AIDS or Fatal Familial Insomnia, I would simply not have children. The curse stops with me. Children are human beings who deserve not only rights but also happiness, and bringing a child into this world only to make them suffer with a horrible, uncontrollable disease is a violation of their rights, their dignity, their health, and their life as a whole. This philosophy works with inbreeding, too. An innocent human being does not deserve eternal pain and misery just because I couldn’t keep it in my pants

If everyone had this kind of compassionate and responsible attitude, I genuinely believe that many diseases, especially STDs and genetic conditions, could be wiped out forever