This is by far the most self-indulgent post and photo series that I’ve ever...well indulged in. But today I’m one week into the last year of my 20′s, and find myself reflecting, and planning. I’m not going to make a “30 before 30″ bucket list or anything like that, I’m just feeling really introspective as to where I’m at right now and where I want to be. I am so, truly beyond grateful to be in London right now, and to have just been in Paris for 10 days. Celebrating my 29th birthday there was a dream. Yes, I was alone, but I celebrated with food, wine, photos, and even a little bit of sunshine. And I just smiled to myself all.damn.day because I knew how lucky I was.Â
My 20′s have been tumultuous, as I think everyone’s are. It’s such a time of extreme growth and change for every single human, and some of us grow faster and differently than others. I’ve dealt with death, illness, love, lost love, darkness, and so much light. I may [only] be 29, but I have lived a vast range of experiences already. Some that I wish I hadn’t. I am proud of myself, and who I’ve become in my 20′s. In many ways I’m the same, but in many more ways I’m a very different person. In a good way. I have learned SO much from the people in my life, and I wouldn’t trade that growth. I am proud of who I’ve become, but I am nowhere near where or who I want to be. In my love life, aside a few shining exceptions, I have made pretty poor decisions. Choosing the wrong people and accepting hurt instead of love as my reality. I no longer accept that as my reality (not sure why the hell I ever did) and I am thankful for that newfound strength.Â
In my career, I feel so lucky every single day that I get to make photos for a living. Like, what?! How is that a thing. Yes, it comes with sacrifice (ie, health insurance, social life, financial security, etc...) BUT it’s so worth it. I am actually shooting content that I enjoy on a regular basis right now, and I am incredibly happy about that. I will probably never be satisfied though, and am most certainly not working at the level that I feel I should be. I have to remind myself every day that I am blessed just to know what I want to do, let alone actually be doing it.Â
Here are some things that I would like to move towards in the next year and onward, so I’m putting them out into the universe:
-I want to find an agent to represent me and take me career to the next level
-I want to produce work that I am proud of, every time I make it.Â
-I want to continue to grow and learn, and not remain stagnant in my style and knowledge out of laziness or lack of “time”.
-I want to travel more for work. And be paid for it.Â
-I want to get back into playing the guitar regularly.
-I want to be a better friend to the people closest to me, and make more time for them on a regular basis.Â
-I want to find a love I can’t live without, and then not live without it.Â
-I want to become the healthiest version of me that I have ever been, physically.Â
-I want to find an organization to volunteer my time to consistently, and do my best to stand up against injustice.Â
-I want to take a more active part in the Jewish community.
-I want to feel satisfied and proud in my work and personal life, but NEVER complacent.Â
My 20′s were a wonderful blessing, and carved me like wind and water to a stone into the human I am today. I experienced more darkness than I would have liked to, of course. But I survived, and flourished. We all have our stuff, and we all get through it. This is the last year of my 20′s, and I want to finish off this formative decade being able to say that I genuinely like who I am, where I’m going, and that I’m somehow contributing to the world to make it better.
This was an even more selfish and indulgent post than I intended, and it probably belongs in a journal not on Tumblr. Especially given our current world state, I apologize for so publicly talking about my own trivial needs and goals. The above list are all things that “I want.” But, I am healthy, safe, and unpersecuted. I am grateful to say that.
So many of you have been such a big part of carrying me through this decade, so I wanted to share this with you. Â
Ready for you, 29.Â