Here we are again but this time, you're gone | Self
He remembered the very first time he saw her here. Fei was seated on the ground with her back against his fake marker, reading her favourite book. At first it struck him as odd -- how can a woman of such caliber, a woman who was visibly angry with him could sit on his supposed grave and act as if it was the most normal thing to do? He remembered every single detail of that day -- the glint on her flaming red hair, the way her emerald gaze scan through the pages of the book, her delicate fingertips tracing the paper before turning the page. The soft sunlight hitting her beautiful face, as if it was careful enough not to blind her whilst she enjoy her read.
Leaving Cambridge all those years ago was a decision he had made all by himself -- leaving her behind, not wanting to pressure Fei into doing something ridiculous just like he was. And he thought... when she appeared back in his life again after eleven years of separation, perhaps.. just perhaps, he has a chance of being silly and in love. Such a foolish thought -- thinking someone like him could accomplish something so delicate such as love. But he had hoped and the small part of him who was still that tortured young boy from Cambridge had reached out to Fei, readily accepting her unconditional love. For a short few months, he was in bliss, actually happy instead of just drowning himself with worldly pleasures.
Here lies Henry Fletcher...
His own fake marker was already painful to read. The one beside it broke him down to pieces within a fraction of a second.
Here lies Felicia Parker
1984 - 2015
He couldn't read beyond those lines. Hal's hands were already clenched into tight fists, his short nails digging into his flesh. Tears were already glistening his blue hues, a red flush across his neck. His breathing had gone ragged and he leaned against the cold marble. It had been a dream from the start. Love -- the word itself made him sick. He couldn't possibly thought it was going to last. Sooner or later, she'd be a target to get back at him. At the wrong place, at the wrong time.
Seven months ago, it had seemed as if that his life was turning around. It had been confusing and terrifying at the same time. He had told people the only thing he feared was death and even though it wasn’t an outright lie, Hal was fearful of another that carried as much weight — if he ever has the ability to love another. It was silly and corny — one a grown man shouldn’t be fretting about in the first place. But Hal has always been unsure if he was capable of it in the first place.
He understood why he never had any deeper desire for anyone but her. His anchor. All those years of silence about his true feelings and when he finally found the courage to actually love her, Fei was ripped away from him within a split second. No running away this time, that was what he had promised himself when he uttered those three words to her. He did enough running for a lifetime. And look what that got him into — it bites his arse back without warning.
The thing that scared him the most was not the fact that he loves her. But it was how easily she brought Henry back — the boy he had learnt to suppress for years. He hasn’t thought about Henry for some time now — in fact, Hal had forgotten about the boy who just came to London with only 70 quid in his pocket. Technically, Henry Fletcher had died at the age of 23 on records. The fake marker which stood only three feet away from him was a constant reminder for Hal — what he had done to be who he is.
And now beside it, the white marble standing in her place was a constant reminder of his own failure -- failing to protect someone... the only one he could ever love. Because no one will ever love me like you did, Fei.
