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A Year Ago

A year ago feels like a distant past.

A year ago feels like yesterday.

A year ago, I was naive.

A year ago, I was excited.

A year ago, I didn’t know any better.

How does a year feel so long yet so short.

wya

do you listen do you hear

do you even care

are you there

where you at

Vlone

i always thought I enjoyed being alone. And I still do.

But I also learned people need people.

Perhaps an ear that listens

Or a hand on a shoulder

Simple things that bring the complex and chaotic world into order.

Simple acts of love that I took for granted.

Thank God for brothers and sisters who put up with my mood swings and put down the negative voices in my head.

Badwater

Heart like death valley. Dry, low and full of salt.

How do I sing with a parched throat.

loop

Grave full of old habits in my backyard

And they all die hard

Open minded, closed heart

Love is a lost art

-----------------------------------------------

I’m stuck in an interlude

I’m stuck, I’m in a loop

잘지내

I rarely call my mom and neither does she. But, every once in awhile, she kakao chats me: "how are you doing". What a harmless question. Yet, it kills me. I sometimes reply days after. Mostly because I'm not sure how I am doing. And is it ok if I'm doing ok? I'm not accomplishing anything right now. She's still paying for my rent. I feel too big of a mix of guilt and incompetence to be feeling "ok". But, mom doesn't care about those things, she cares for me and the wellbeing of my soul. I know very little of parenthood, but I guess that's the love of a mother and father. Sort of like Heavenly Father's heart for His children but toned down in earthly terms. How blessed I am. I can't wait until I can kakao chat back with full confidence, saying, "I am doing so well" without guilty conscience. 진짜 진심으로 잘 지낸다고. 행복하다고

Brookmont Mornings

My brother and I would wake up automatically at 7am on Saturdays to catch morning cartoons. We would lay on one couch and sit eagerly for the theme song to appear. Although we were young, It was probably the most intimate time spent with my brother. It was pre-puberty, pre-world, pre-worries, pre-unemployment. Good times in that old Brookmont apartment.

Fastforward ~10 years. I find myself in Gramercy Sub cellar on Saturday mornings with other Christian brothers and sisters. Instead of waiting for that cartoon to play, we sit in anticipation for God to show up. Not only does He show up, but He uses that space for me and others to open up and share.

I’m not as nearly innocent as the boy in Brookmont; and I’m in the midst of the world, worries, and unemployment. But, God can use what little time I am willing to give to Him to reveal greater truth and it’s worth it to come to His dwelling place like a kid running downstairs to catch his favorite cartoon.

#Jeremiah 29

when it rains, it pours

My dad used to tell me, “Men should only cry three times: When they are born, when their parents pass away, and when they lose their country.” He told me this because I cried so much when I was little. Basically, in Asian culture, men don’t cry.

I cried three times in the span of last three months. That’s more than I have cried within a decade. It’s oddly satisfying in a way. Because these emotions flooding out of my eyes are not just derived from human experience, but it’s the tangible result of the Spirit of God working in me. I know this since I hate crying and I used to hate it when I see other people cry. It’s not my will to weep. But God hears me when I pray “break my heart for what breaks Yours”. And, He sees my brokenness, recklessness, and bitterness built up in me; and, He is sad for me. And when I realize this, I get wrecked despite my desire to be “chill” and “manly”. God cares too much for me not to care. It's ok to cry once in awhile. And when it rains, let it pour..

an encounter, 2015

Why do I care Why am I here All cuz you loved me at my lowest

night, 2012

backwoods pealed

pink, yellow, teal

it hurts bad, it hurts good

if it hurts, then it was real

Home

I finally got home in New York. Except it didn’t feel like home.

I think that’s one area I have been wrestling with all of last year. Trying to find purpose and sense of belonging in New York. I never get sad about leaving Cali, but I was realllllly sad leaving this time. Not because I despise New York but I finally realized how much I feel at home at home with my family and the nice Cali weather lol

Yea, there were more valleys than peaks last year but PB’s sunday message reminded me that it’s inevitable to have dry, fruitless “seasons”. But, even those times can be used to strengthen the roots. And, the fruits will naturally spring up in due time.

Despite my search for “home” in the city, I am assured my true home is in heaven.

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I read a book with my roommates that talked about “looking back to move forward”. I’m not quite ready to look back on the mess of 2016, but I am happy to move onto 2017 with confidence. I am sure time will come when I can look back and laugh at 2016 and learn from the experience.

Thank God for a new year, for family, for friends, for Cali, for New York, for home.

#newyearthoughts

Run

For the past 6 months, It feels like I have been running on a treadmill. No matter how fast I sprint I am in the same place as 6 months ago. But, maybe I am not at the same place. Running works out the heart and the body. So, it feels like I'm stuck, but I like to think I grew stronger...maybe. And, maybe this is like a training for a longer, more challenging marathon ahead of me.

Intimacy is a very intimate word. It exudes warmth and beauty.

I heard this word often. I thought it was cool and all, but I never actively pursued it. Maybe because I didn’t know how or what it truly meant. Intimacy was intimidating.

For many years, my relationship with people and especially with God seemed to lack intimacy. I prayed to God as I set conditions, boundaries, and structures to our friendship.

I think He’s teaching me that being intimate is to be comfortable and personal and to have deeper understanding of who the other person is. And, on my end, I need to be more open-hearted and soft-hearted. It’s simple but so difficult.

All I know is God, the one who created day and night, the moon and the stars, my personality and my body, is seeking intimacy with me. That’s pretty crazy.

#ramblings #Jeremiah 31

fertilizer

I used to not complain. But, I've been noticing I complain alot about a little bit of everything these days. "God why are you putting so much crap onto my life. This succcccks." "This was supposed to be a good season, a new season. You told me that." But "crap" can be good. They are used as fertilizers to produce good soil. So when the seeds fall, they'll produce grain in multitudes. The 💩s or obstacles in my life helped me really learn about myself and my relationship with Jesus; and to grow and produce better fruit. I guess what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

#ramblings

coup de grace

thank you for the constructive criticism

not only did you kill me softly, you killed me with precision

thank you for not bluffing, thank you for not holding back the punches

thank you for everything and thank you for nothing

fade

You'll fade like the polaroid pics in your shoebox You'll fade like the pop songs in your jukebox

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