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I’ve done everything in my power to leave you in the past as I shed off my old skin and put on a new one. Most days, I like to think that I have. I don’t even think about you anymore. A month ago, I saw your picture on my feed and genuinely felt nothing.

I just hate that it’s still you I find in between the lines of every song I listen to for the first time. Unconsciously, like something in my brain I can’t turn off.

Sometimes I feel like I’m settling for 75% percent of a person

I will end up grounding every person I love from now on with the kind of love I gave you. Too much. Probably the most I will ever give in this lifetime. Because I refuse to be a slave to my own feelings ever again. Not to anyone, no matter how much I end up loving them.

I could live a hundred different lifetimes and never know what it's like to be loved, and still I would remember you:

queuing up songs i liked as we pull another all-nighter on discord

running back to the coffee shop just to take a picture with me

remembering me every time you see a video that made you laugh because you know it would crack me up too

somehow knowing when im not ok and checking up on me "just because"

These may be the most mundane and normal things for you because it's just the way you are, but I love you just a little bit more for it

It feels strange waking up and knowing for sure you don't love someone anymore, finally, even if you have for years.

I still mourn what I lost, but at the same time, it feels like the biggest relief of my life—and there's a sad sort of emptiness to it. I can't wrap my head around how you used to be everything, and now you're just this thing that gets smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror as I drive further away. Until I can't see you anymore, until you're nothing.

This could be real, but it isnt

You were in my dream again

You cried when you saw us

Something you never would have done

I asked why you did what you did

I cant remember what you said

It doesnt matter

It doesnt change anything

I asked if you ever think about us

You didnt say yes

I think you do

I woke up

It's killing me not knowing anything about how your day went.

happy birthday

I can read Cyrus like a book if I want to. It’s an occupational hazard of being his best friend, I guess. But one thing I don’t think I will ever know or understand is that if he ever still agonizes over losing you, if he ever still misses you, or if days like today are harder for him like they still are for me. Because we never talk about you. We can’t. And if I ever so much as bring you up, he shuts me down and I don’t blame him.

I guess only you can say what that says about us. You’ve always been better than me at reading him.

Of course, I’m sure he knows that I still miss you, and still ache at how everything ended years ago. But I doubt he knows how much. Because even I still surprise myself at how the wave of emotions still surge and grow inside me on days like this.

But we get on. We live, and only hurt on certain days now.

I wish the same for you.

Two years in and I'm still shaken by the thought that you don't need me—you never have

I haven't finished letting go of you, I don't think I ever will

its so lonely to be depressed and fear help. why cant i just get through this alone. its so unfair

2/3

I don’t know who else to talk to about you anymore. I can’t even drag Cyrus into my mess anymore because he’s so mad at you. I am too, but sometimes I miss you so much that I’m almost not, and that’s messed up. Because what you did was wrong, and no amount of my love for you can ever justify it.

You’re not even sorry for it. You hurt Cy so much, and you’re not even sorry. Sometimes I still wonder: do you miss us? Did it hurt you? Do you still wish things played out differently? Because I’m pretty sure that we do. I know he’s angry, but I also know that if he was given the chance to have it any other way, Cyrus would never choose to lose you. He would never say it, but I know that cutting you off broke him then. I know because it’s still breaking me until now.

I still wish I could’ve had the chance to ask you, then. To hear it directly from you. But could you have looked me in the eye and given me an answer that could have made things any better? I would never know and I would always wonder, and maybe that much is my fault. That much is the problem with me. Maybe that’s why I will never get past you, and everything that reminds me of you and all that you gave me.

Every single day is a struggle to get through another twenty-four hours without you. It didn’t used to be this way. I always knew that I wasn’t alone because I had the both of you. You and Cy were always really the only ones who understood me, the ones I could talk to about anything. Even when it’s hard and especially when it is. But now you’re gone, it hurts, and Cyrus and I can’t even bring ourselves to talk about it anymore. You became a fixture of our lives that we pretend we never had because we couldn’t put ourselves through that pain again. I can’t put Cy through that again.

It’s good that the two of us still have each other, and I’m grateful everyday. But it’s never better without you, and I can’t lie to myself otherwise.

I really wish you would have stayed home that night.

Shadow of the day

I still listen to the songs you gave me

rainy zurich

I haven't thought about you in months. Of course I've still been keeping that Instagram tab on you, getting glimpses of the days you spend that you used to share with me in conversations. But doing that is muscle memory at this point; it doesn't mean I've thought about you the same way I used to.

But you visited me in a dream after a long time and I woke up this morning with a sadness, longing, and a joy upon seeing you again, an emotion so raw that made me realize that just because I haven't thought of you doesn't mean you've ever left my mind.

I miss you. I always do. I wish I could just pour water on the flame that never burns out.

I don’t think about you anymore

Sometimes I just need a reminder of what I never had but still lost

Missing you is easier than pining for someone else in a way that it has become second nature. I became so used to it that I just learned to live with it. But it doesn't mean it hurt any less.

Everglow

April 2018

I met you for the first time, and immediately I knew you were everything I dreamed of. You were insanely good, intelligent, spoke with substance, and my parents adored you. From the dumplings you gave me at the boarding gate, to the jacket you offered when I was cold - I knew I wanted to be with someone even half as good as you. You became the golden standard. And hey, you still are. Knowing you exist under the same sky in some part of the world continues to remind me why I wanted to experience love in the first place.

June 2020

I still think about you from time to time. I still pray for someone as good as you. And it has been a while since the last time we talked, but yesterday you turned 21. I said happy birthday, and you said you were proud of me. You don't know how much that meant to me, considering what you never knew of me in the time between that lovely week in April to now.

Because you were the reason I wanted to experience it in the first place, but now I'm just sorry that I wasted love on someone else. Someone who never even saw the value in it. But even after everything, I at least wanted you to know this: that between you and me, I'm happy that you got it right, and that I wish the best for the both of you.

But thank you for showing me that it's okay to long for more, and that I can deserve better. That's more than I could ever ask for, even if it's not with you.

I miss you saying you're proud of me but then again I have nothing to miss

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