Last night i intended to write a response to say thank you and some of my thoughts but i got stuck, and was really emotional.
Thank you for taking your time to write this, it is wonderful, well detailed and it tackles things at roots.
After reading i realized why it is so hard for me to either feel my own feelings or to share it, let alone to ask for help. I had my suspects, after reading psychology articles on abuses, but growing up within abusive environment and having abuses as first experiences, i had my doubts, “ was it really that bad like i felt/remembered?” or “ maybe this is normal” or “ i believe every family has problems, too”, but, the difference is that you and your family actively choose to figure it out, to understand which is the problem, while in mine, it’s an excuse, used repeatedly to prolong the abuse.
I tried to recall in my memory if i experienced being listened to in my younger days. But i found none, i , though, remember the afternoons being locked in the bathroom and forced to listen to my mother telling me how grandma( her mother in law) treated her wrong, and screaming at me when i tried to soothe her, and at nights with grandma insulting my mother before i slept. I didn’t have safe space or time to learn to process and feel my own feelings, i , as a child, tried to ‘help’ my mother and grandma to understand each other, while they used me as a medium to release anger and hatred toward one another, and i felt terrible when i failed( This highlighted the part when you mentioned “ It’s important to talk and react age-appropriately.” ) . Only recently i realized i was never supposed to do all that, i was a child and they were adults. It was an unhealthy reversal of roles.
And they noticed my reactions to their abuse, they invaded me even more and put the responsibility to solve their problems on me. I developed this behavior as taking other’s problems as my own responsibility since, i even took blame for them if things that didn’t involve me at all didn’t work out. And it grew, from inside family to friends to lovers i met growing up. To the point, strangers who met me, immediately ‘ feel like they can share everything with me’ i quote many of them.
Of course it wasn’t the only things that happened, but i can only remember and sort a few things out at a time.
Many things other people learned and knew since kid, growing since kid, i only learned recently. To tell you the truth, i only let myself feel things when there are people around recently, before, to me, it was terrifying. Here i can write a lot, but as person to person, even in messages, if you ask me how i am, i’m always fine, not because i was lying, but, i just can’t. i don’t know how, don’t know where to start or where to go in sharing to another person about me. And i feel heavy having to tell another that I’m not ok.
I got emotional reading about how you care for your youngs, as how you know how you need to care for them, truly, it’s something entirely new knowledge to myself, i know it’s true and good but i still felt puzzled reading, it feels almost fairytale to me. I think this is something i need to let myself have time to process and to become familiar with.
There are more notes in your post gave me cues on which directions i need to work on and help me on my healing process, i have saved your post to reread again, I thank you, very much, as I appreciate how you openly and honestly in mentioning your real experiences, it’s very heartwarming to know nothing has to go like textbook definitions, it gives me more hope ( i’m not sure how to explain but that part made me feel things to be more possible, in trying, in working things out )
I hope you a good day : )
