a compulsive obsession with cleanliness is beaten into us from birth, don’t curse, don’t scream, that’s dirty, don’t wear that, don’t touch that, that’s dirty, have sex, don’t have sex, that’s dirty, you made a mess, clean it up, your brother made a mess, your father made a mess, clean it up, pills instead of a gun, blood’s dirty, don’t play in a dress, you’ll get it dirty, open the windows and boil water with cinnamon and vanilla when da smokes, it’s dirty, older brother not learning he smokes til five years later, he can’t know, that’s dirty, don’t want things, don’t need things, desire can’t be pure, not yours, are you a virgin? have someone else’s hands taken that cleanliness? would that be so bad? of course it would, doesn’t he know there’s no cleanliness left in me to take? he doesn’t care, he’ll take my filth if it’s all i have, as long as he’s taking, as long as it’s all i have left, don’t love her, don’t touch her, that’s dirty, ive cleaned this kitchen ten times, it’s still dirty, da spilled his drink clean it up, he can’t know how bad he’s getting, this house must be clean, clean of him, clean of sin, clean of evidence at least, i’m not clean anymore but i try to be, i have to try, i can’t be dirty, and now it’s not about staying clean but only appearing to be, plato said there’s a class of woman who are receptacles for filth, a sewage system of women at the bottom, and i’m part of that, it feels like it, and now i’m a hopeless cause, i’m tainted, i’m dirty, and i can’t let it spread, what’s around me must stay clean, i can’t infect the world around me, i have to hold the filth inside and keep the world safe, but every woman is this way so what world is there to care for, because no one cares, no one sees, but they don’t want it dirty either, do they.
