hare

🪩

[haremurderrr]

!! intro !!

she/her | 18

masterlist

fandoms: boyliife, arcane, tlou, yellowjackets, zeroday, skins, twd, twdg, passenger, ointb

music: bjork, KMFDM, fiona apple, descendants, rommulas (hes good idc), radiohead, sunami, kittie, hole, you’ll never get to heaven, vs self, train breaks down, crystal castles, NIN, Outta Pocket, Catalyst…, Oakwood, TOOL, Massive Attack, Los Crudos, teen suicide, adolescents

artists i've seen live: bjork, radiohead, the smile, nick cave, hoover phonic, placebo, alex g, integrity, and a bunch of local punk/metal bands

my blog: ill mostly stick to fanfics of whatever I like at the moment. I take reqs and I’ll about almost anything as long as its not some creep shit. I’m inconsistent bc school is kicking my ass right now.

[haremurderrr]

deadass gonna delay ivy bc im acc gonna blow my shit smooth off.

such a good day ruined by having to block the only person ive ever loved #fairs

[haremurderrr]

guys i promise ivy last chapter is coming out but im js going thru a lot rn. not only am i quitting nic but im deadass going through heartbreak while also having to deal w bumass rumors my ex is spreading about me. wish me luck!!!

[haremurderrr]

why does edtwt make its way into every community im scared 😕

[haremurderrr]

IVY

childhood bestfriend!roman x reader - chapter 6 chapter 5 wc: 3300 cw: masturbation synopsis: you and Roman met each other when you were 7 after a not-so-pleasant encounter at the park. You became inseparable after that. In the many years of friendship you developed feelings for Roman, but you somehow managed to keep them hidden. It was all in vain, however, as your friendship ended a couple of days before graduation. After four years of not hearing from him, you meet him at a party you were working at as a photographer, lighting up a flame you didn't know was still burning inside, buried and long forgotten. author's note: it's almost time to wrap this shit up. probably will take a break from long form fanfic and will stick to oneshots and headcannons for a while bc as yall can see im not very consistent :(

2026

You have worked at many shows before, with crowded venues and intense atmospheres. For most shows you would be taken backstage to talk to the artist or their crew. But no backstage compares to this one.

Everyone is excited, words of encouragement flying across the room, people drinking and genuinely having fun. While Hollis performs the last few songs before it is Roman’s turn on stage, you wait patiently on a couch, watching everyone around you joyfully listen to their friend up on stage.

Even though they all saw him perform before, they are still in complete awe at how far he’s come, with fans screaming his lyrics at the top of their lungs. In a way, you are shocked too. From the days in which Hollis used to reluctantly show you and Roman his silly beats, to now, with a fan base crazy enough to dedicate their whole lives to him and hit songs that reach every corner of the internet.

Roman collapses on the couch beside you, the leather seat dipping underneath his weight. He grabs a water bottle and chugs damn near the entire thing.

“You stressed?” you ask sheepishly. You already know the answer and don’t want to add on top of that stress.

“Hella,” he replies, staring off into the distance.

“Why? You’ve performed before.”

“Yeah, but I’m always stressed before. Plus, you’re here now,” he adds the last part without wanting to.

“Do I make you nervous?” you tease, earning a scoff from him, but you could see a smile etching its way onto his face. “I’ve seen you before.”

“I know. But it still adds more stakes. Can’t mess up. Gotta show you all those beats you used to make fun of me for made up for something.”

“I think you should be more scared of messing up in front of the thousands of people out there, not me.”

“Who gives a fuck about them?” Roman blurts out, the words weighing heavy on your heart. To him, you are the only audience that matters. The only audience that exists.

“Crazy to say that about people who paid hard earned money to come see you.”

As Hollis finishes off his last song, Roman gets up, wiping his hands on his pants anxiously while he exhales loudly. He takes small steps towards the stage, a few people from the crew coming up to him to help him with his earpiece and microphone.

Hollis waves to his fans and loud cheers erupt from the crowd as he announces Roman’s appearance, but you decide you still have time to wish Roman luck.

You get up from the couch and walk up to him, coyly tapping him on his shoulder. He turns around, his eyebrows furrowed and chest raising and falling fast. You smile warmly at him, wrapping your arms around him. Getting up on your tiptoes to reach his ear, you whisper meaningless words that he has heard a million times before:

“Good luck.”

But hearing this from you, it means more to him than you can ever imagine. And although thousands of fans are waiting for him outside, Roman takes his last few seconds before having to go out there to pull you in tighter, the smell of your sweet shampoo calming his nerves, the feeling of your body against his relaxing every muscle in his body.

“You got this,” you finally pull away, the crowd outside cheering louder and louder, awaiting for Roman’s appearance. You pat him on the shoulder, and before realizing your body is even leaning in, your lips collided with his cheek, pressing a quick goodbye kiss on his face.

You instantly pull away, catching a glimpse of Hollis urging Roman to go on stage with the corner of your eye. You duck your head as Roman looks at you, dumbfounded, before Hollis physically pushes him towards the stage.

The moment Roman enters, the crowd bursts into screams and chants, slowly turning into the yelling of the lyrics to ‘No Me Importa’. You, however, sit back down on the couch, too conflicted to even focus on Roman’s performance.

You and Roman have gotten a lot closer in the past week. Something you didn’t plan on doing. You thought you could put your feelings to the side, allowing him to come into your life just like before. But something else came along with this sudden closeness: physical touch. At first you let it happen, trying to ignore the way it made your heart flutter, the shivers slowly moving lower and lower.

Small hugs that became longer and tighter as the days passed; brushing up against each other when you walked, the accidental touch of hands turning intentional; playing with each other’s hair, always starting from the fake premise of ‘you have something in your hair’. They are all things you could only dream of doing when you were younger. Masking your desires as something platonic just to feel Roman closer to you. But something about this doesn’t feel platonic. Not when you use any excuse to hug him. Not when he plays with your hair during almost every conversation.

And now this, a peck on the cheek. Something simple. But definitely not platonic. And he knows it too, singing his lyrics on stage in front of all the eyes to see, but all he thinks about is the feeling of your soft lips against his cheek. He knows how you feel now. At least, in your head he does.

For a moment, you contemplate leaving the venue and never turning back to see him. Maybe it would be for the better, running away before things turn bad.

You get up, contemplation turning into action. You hear Roman thank the crowd, the set finishing before you even had the time to listen to it. Roman makes his way backstage and you see this as the only chance to get out, the embarrassment of that small, insignificant peck catching up to you.

You leave the venue through the back exit, hearing Roman ask about you in the distance. You want to turn around and sit with him, but the guilt of ruining your friendship with Roman for the second time is too strong. Just like always, you let your heart act before your mind, doing things the way you want without taking him into consideration. Your feelings for Roman are unchanged, too strong to break. They will only get worse as time passes. And although walking away from the venue in the cold night is painful, you know the heartbreak of unrequited love is always going to be more painful.

(2 - 10)

2011

You looked behind you, chest heaving in panic as you heard trampled footsteps approaching.

“Found you!” a chirpy voice said. She found another one. You were among the last ones. And after losing during tag a week prior, you couldn’t risk being embarrassed again and lose in hide and seek, a game you prided yourself with for being the best at.

With the corner of your eye you spotted a figure approaching. You couldn’t see its face or hair due to the position you were in underneath the slide of the playground, but by the skateboard and baggy clothes, you could tell it was your new ‘friend’ Roman.

Suddenly, a pang of anxiety surged through your body, getting flashbacks from the previous week. Was he there to trick you again? Was he gonna snitch and tell the seeker where you were?

Although you had known him for one week already, you only hung out once when he continued to teach you how to ride your bike. He still hadn’t earned your trust.

Roman ducked down, one hand on the slide with a mischievous grin on his face. All you could do was shake your head at him, begging him not to alert the others. But it was too late, he was already calling out to them.

“Hey!” he looked across the playground to the girl that was the seeker. “You should check behind that tree. I think I saw someone,” he spoke, and you sighed in relief.

Roman ducked back down, smiling at you again, but kinder. He winked, the sounds of a disappointed boy having been caught reverberating throughout the park.

You got up to thank Roman, but before you could act, he grabbed your hand and pulled you towards him in a hurry. The seeker was distracted trying to find the other kids hiding, not noticing you and Roman taking cover behind a car parked on the side of the road.

You looked through the window of the car, but the tint made it heard to see. All you could rely on in that moment was sound, but that too was hard to do as the only sound you could hear was you and Roman breathing heavily with adrenaline surging throughout your bodies after running through the park.

The adrenaline amplified all your senses, including touch. And that’s when you noticed Roman was still holding onto your hand, squeezing harder when the seeker approached the car you were hiding behind.

That’s when you first felt it. A safety no other person had to offer. Next to Roman it didn’t matter if you got caught and lost the game. All that mattered was the way his thumb felt against the back of your hand, moving in a simple pattern to help soothe you, or maybe soothe himself, your soft skin helping his nerves unwind and focus on helping you win.

You looked up at Roman, his wide eyes and alert stance making you realize how much he wanted you to win, after tricking you a week prior. Maybe he was overcompensating, or maybe he wanted to prove to you he can be a good friend.

Suddenly, a loud ‘no’ could be heard from the playground, making you and Roman snap your heads towards the direction of the sound. The last person was caught, meaning you won.

Before you could even process it, Roman lifted your arm.

“She won! All you guys are losers!” he yelled at everyone.

A wave of sighs and complaints came from the kids in the park, even turning the heads of a few parents. You lowered your head in embarrassment as Roman gloated about how good of a hider you were.

“Shut up,” you muttered, biting back a prideful smile.

“You’re not even playing!” the seeker argued.

“I am now,” Roman shrugged, mirroring his words from when you first met.

“That’s not fair! You’re behind a car. We were supposed to hide in the park,” another kid argued.

“You never said that,” you popped up from behind the car, standing your ground.

Although it was technically cheating as you had Roman’s help, he sort of owed it to you. So you took the win just like any other one, grateful to finally beat the kids that had been laughing at you since the game started.

You walked down the streets of your neighborhood, your footsteps accompanied by Roman’s. The sun had already set, leaving a purple dusk across the sky as the moon was waiting for its turn.

“All you friends suck,” Roman said.

“Yeah,” you sighed, kicking a pebble further down the street. “But you’re nice.”

“I’m your friend?” Roman’s face lit up.

“I guess so. You earned it.”

Roman smiled in content and pulled out a fingerboard from his pocket, turning the wheels and playing with it in the air.

Usually, seeing your house after spending a tiresome day at the park would make you ecstatic. You could already see the silhouettes of your parents in the kitchen window as they made dinner. But on that night, all you wanted to do was spend more time with Roman. You wanted to get to know him. All of a sudden, you got an idea.

“You wanna come in?” you shyly ask him, afraid he would think it’s too soon. “My parents are making dinner.”

“Sure,” Roman shrugged, seeing no reason as to why he should say no.

That was the first time Roman ate at your house, followed by countless nights. Sometimes your parents would let you watch a movie while eating, sometimes you’d help them cook until you learned to cook yourself, the memory of a terrible cake you and Roman baked stained in your memory.

And after dinner you suggested going to your room, unintentionally creating a tradition.

Roman laid in your bed, hands folded under his head as he stared at the glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling. You scoured through your closet, frustrated that you couldn’t find what you were looking for. Then, on the top shelf, blindly feeling around with your hands, you found it: the shoebox of the shoes you got a few months before.

You grabbed it, pulled it out from the shelf and brought it over to the bed. Roman lifted his head from your soft blanket, turning over on his side with his hand supporting his head as he stared at the box.

“What’s this?” he asked, inspecting the cardboard box with star stickers and glitter tape decorating it.

“My memory box,” you explained and opened it, allowing Roman to peek inside. “I don’t have much yet, but I’m planning on collecting things for when I get older.”

You both stared into the box: a polaroid from your family trip at the beach, a seashell from that day, and a keychain your cousin gave you.

“What’s the point in keeping old stuff?”

“Remembering important things,” you answered in a defensive tone, thinking Roman was making fun of you.

You instantly shut down, losing your trust in him for a split second, before noticing he picked up the polaroid. Roman traced your face on the picture, admiring your wide smile and the sandcastle you built.

“You look happy here,” he muttered more to himself.

Roman’s eyes flickered towards your face, then back to the picture. He had never seen you smile like that. And from that day on he made it a mission to be the one to make you so happy, your sweet smile dazzling in his memory.

Roman put the picture back and reached into his pocket, causing you to follow him with your eyes carefully, intrigued. Out of his pocket he pulled out his fingerboard and put it in the shoebox.

“Here,” he said, tucking it neatly beside the polaroid. “So you never forget me,” he grinned.

“You don’t need to give me that,” you shook your head, feeling guilty that he gave up his toy.

“Don’t worry,” he got up from the bed, fixing his clothes and messy short hair. “You need to get more things in that box anyway. I need to get going. I don’t want mom to worry,” he continued.

Roman said his goodbyes, thanking your family for dinner and you for inviting him, and started making his way down your dark alleyway.

“Wait!” you yelled out from the doorway, running towards him.

Roman turned, confused, only to be met by your arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace. His eyes widened, stunned by your sudden clinginess, before hugging you back.

“Thanks for being my friend,” you whispered into his shoulder.

“No problem,” he whispered back, pulling you in tighter one last time, taking in your soft features before going home.

2026

(11 - 14)

Nights spent crying, contemplating your decisions.

Your friendship with Roman is too good to ruin over some stupid feelings. You would rather end it at its best than watch the bad unravel, your feelings overflowing and good memories instantly turning sour.

Although it has been weeks since you last spoke to Roman, you still struggle to settle in your life without him. You spent years without him, but now that you got a taste of him again, it feels impossible to go back.

The image of him stays plastered on the back of your eyelids, like a movie playing every night. His voice calls you out in the quietest moments. His touch lingers in your hair, his gentle fingers leaving invisible scars around your body, even in places he’s never touched.

On another street, each night and day Roman thinks about you. He ponders over his decisions, his finger hovers over your chat, typing a word before deleting it. Hollis’ words replay in his head. He wonders if he’s right. If the reason you ran away was because you were scared to get too attached again. Unfortunately, Hollis has to hear about it every day, Roman’s voice turning deep and his words dragged whenever he mentions you. Which is always.

He wants to tell you how he feels, but the chance of Hollis being wrong frightens him to death. Usually he goes for what he wants, no matter the risk. But with you it’s different. You’re fragile to him. Something he doesn’t want to fuck up with his complicated feelings. After years of pining over each other, he knows your untouchable bond will be at stake. He doesn’t want to ruin his beautiful childhood memories over some stupid drama.

But at the same time, a question lingers in both of your minds: what if? Maybe in another dimension, it all worked out. You are stronger, more brave, not doomed by fate.

In your bed, you toss and turn, unable to sleep. With Roman’s absence, he grows fonder in your heart. You could hate him for making you feel like this, for making your face turn red at the memory of his piercing eyes, for making you ache at the thought of his touch.

You turn on your side and squeeze your eyes shut, trying to fall asleep while ignoring the slight tingling between your thighs, the simple idea of Roman making you a mess.

Roman always made you feel like this. Alongside the warmth and safety, he brought a new feeling. A thrill. It confused you at first, but as you grew older you understood. You relished in it, pretending it never happened the morning after. And now, alone in your top-floor apartment, it was back, stronger than ever.

You give in, promising it was the last time, your hand lingering lower and lower until dipping in your underwear, assessing the damage done by the image of Roman’s hands on your body. You dip your fingers inside, punishing yourself for feeling this way about him. You reach deep, but not deep enough, whimpering in frustration while knowing Roman could reach deeper.

You rub yourself in small circles, but it was not enough, the guilt too overbearing as the same image of Roman at the beach replayed in your head. How could you ever get him out of your head if you gave in every single time? What would he think if he knew how much of a mess he made out of you without even being in the same room?

Nothing. You feel nothing. Not even a small tingle. Nothing was ever enough. Nothing could meet the expectations.

And just as you give up and try to go to sleep, a buzzing noise echoes throughout your room. You check your phone from your position in the bed to see one notification: Hollis.

taglist: @unicornfairysparkle69 @gnariii @seraphiclizbotomy @kingoveverything @bitchimmadashell @isol0philia @6teenforevr @2bun22 @nesbi0 @gunzs1ut2222 @pokodotlot @pirouettepirouettepirouette @notqlms @gabisohot @angelrazor6000 @l0v3rgrr1 @jazminhands @whereparishiltonwhereismydiva @anythngbutme @nothinlikeuuu @sweet2sin

[haremurderrr]

me expecting a 2+ min version of paleta when i knew he was gonna play in our faces and pull a nate sib

[haremurderrr]

pulling up to a 2hollis show at a festival where rommulas wont pull up with a rommulas flag at barricade

what stage of parasocial is this 🧐🧐

[haremurderrr]

boyfriend!roman headcannons

╰┈➤ Spams you with reels and tiktoks any chance he gets. In bed before going to sleep, at the studio, stuck in traffic. Expect at least 10 notifications from him every day.

╰┈➤ Sometimes he texts in riddles, using lingo only he understands. He loves to reference songs and movie quotes he finds funny in his daily vocab, which sometimes confuses you and elicits questions. You love listening to him explain them though, and many of his silly quotes and phrases become inside jokes.

╰┈➤ Had an emo phase growing up, but he was too embarrassed to wear the clothes so he stuck to listening to the music. However, one time he stole his mom's eyeliner and combed his hair into an awful side part and had a photoshoot in the bathroom. He showed you one of those photos which ended in you having a laughing fit, hunched over while he desperately tried to explain himself. You even printed the photo and framed it. At first he was completely against having it up in your shared apartment, but after seeing how giddy you get every time you pass by it, the sound of your giggles making his heart flutter, you agreed on a compromise and put the frame in your bedroom.

╰┈➤ His voice changes when he talks to you. Not in a way that he makes it deeper or raspier, but more gentle. He is a lot more soft-spoken around you as you bring out a more tender side in him. He doesn't need to be loud in order to be heard, but he can speak at a volume and cadence that relaxes the both of you.

╰┈➤ One time when he was away on Valentine's day, he was really bummed he couldn't spend it with you. You woke up to a notification from him with a code to his Minecraft server. Upon entering it you discovered he made one of those corny cart rides with hearts and fireworks around the map. Although it was nothing compared to a Valentine's spent together, it was really sweet he put in the effort to make a memorable day out of it.

╰┈➤ He loves treating you to a nice and expensive date, but his favorite kind of date is staying inside and binge watching a movies or series together. With all the agitation in his life, he learned to embrace the more quiet moments. He loves discussing plots and talking shit about characters, making jokes as the movie plays out or grabbing onto each other in excitement when a plot twist is revealed in a show.

╰┈➤ His favorite meme is that one masc lesbian saying "cmere mama" in 'Spanish'. When he first saw it he spent the whole week referencing it in every conversation.

╰┈➤ Whenever he's on stage at a show, his first instinct is to look at the balcony of the venue as that is where you usually sit. He just feels a lot more light and comfortable once he spots you. Even if you're not there because the show is in another state or you are too busy, he still finds himself looking at the balcony as soon as he walks on stage, although he knows you're not there.

╰┈➤ He lets you pick out his nail design and loves it when you draw small diagrams. He always shows them to his nail tech and chuckles at your stupid drawings. Even though they are usually simple, you always manage to mess up the drawings as it is hard to draw on your phone.

╰┈➤He's the kind of person that hugs a pillow when he sleeps, so when you came into his life it was like a dream come true. He loves big spooning, but his favorite cuddling position is when he lays on top of you, letting you play with his hair and place small kisses on the top of his head. His nose is buried in the crook of your neck, falling asleep to your scent. He knows this position can be uncomfortable, especially during the summer when it's hot outside, so you guys don't do it much, but that's what makes it even more special.

NSFW:

╰┈➤ Loves nutting on you. Stomach, back, ass, chest, he loves it all. He's a bit iffy when it comes to your face as he's scared to get it in your eyes or something, but you always reassure him. He just loves looking at you covered in his cum, all fucked out and sweaty.

╰┈➤ He gets off on risky situations. You and him always sneak off at parties to the nearest bathroom or empty room. He loves the idea of having to be quiet and quick, and he always makes it a challenge to make you orgasm before someone walks in or comes to get you.

╰┈➤ He's a very diverse person. Sex with him is different each time. Sometimes he's really rough and mean, sometimes he's intensely passionate and focuses solely on you, sometimes he's really emotional and tender, trying to get as close to you as physically possible. This always keeps the relationship fun as you never know what you're in for.

╰┈➤ 100% an eater. This man eats you out like he's been starved for years. Loves sucking on your sensitive clit while pumping his fingers in and out of you. Sometimes he gets so lost that he doesn't even notice you finished, overstimulating you so much that you can't even form the words to tell him you're done.

╰┈➤ Favorite position is cowgirl. He loves leaning back and letting you do your thing, watching as you become more and more desperate and tired. He talks you through it, teasingly encouraging you to keep going although he knows you're far too tired to continue. When you tell him you're exhausted and ask him to take the lead he always shakes his head and offers his help by holding you upright, but still making you do the work. Of course, he eventually starts bucking his hips up into you, going deeper than you could ever do yourself. That's when you really topple over, eyes rolled to the back of your head as your mind goes blank. He's fully holding you up now, being the only support as your entire body goes limp and he rewards you for working so hard.

╰┈➤ Teases you in public. Whether it's a hand on your thigh slowly inching upwards at dinner, or whispering small things about what he's gonna do to you when you get home, he does it all. He always lives up to the expectations as well, and by the time you're home you're already sopping wet due to the anticipation.

╰┈➤ His favorite memory is when you were in his car outside of your house. He was supposed to be dropping you off but you started making out. After a day full of teasing and interrupted make out sessions, you were both hornier than usual. You climbed on top of him and instantly started grinding into the hard bulge in his pants. You relished in the way you clit caught onto the slick fabric of your underwear, together with the pressure from Roman's hard cock through his jeans. Next thing you know, you're cumming in your panties, your face flush red in embarrassment that you came from dry humping. Roman erupted into laughter but he soon noticed how ashamed you were, reassuring you that it was the hottest thing he'd ever seen.

hope y'all enjoyed this <3 i'm trying to make up for the slow IVY updates taglist: @fakeeminkk

[haremurderrr]

IVY

childhood bestfriend!roman x reader - chapter 5 chapter 4 wc: 4400 cw: - synopsis: you and Roman met each other when you were 7 after a not-so-pleasant encounter at the park. You became inseparable after that. In the many years of friendship you developed feelings for Roman, but you somehow managed to keep them hidden. It was all in vain, however, as your friendship ended a couple of days before graduation. After four years of not hearing from him, you meet him at a party you were working at as a photographer, lighting up a flame you didn't know was still burning inside, buried and long forgotten. author's note: lowk hate this but wtv.

2026

While days blur by, one thing remains on your mind: why now?

You and Roman have lived in LA since highschool yet have never seen or ran into each other. As if the universe was protecting you, or him, or both.

So, why now? Why after so long he is back in your life again. Is it pure coincidence or is it the mysterious universe once again, allowing you to stitch up the open seams of your past? Is there unfinished business? Is it finally the right time for you and Roman to try something new?

In your career as a photographer you learned to observe the art of real life. The symbolism of a crying woman on a bench with the sun shining behind her, the contrasting colors of a modern club and an old bar, the trees in the forest creating a perfect path.

Life is full of metaphors and hidden meanings.

Yet you choose to brush off you and Roman’s reunion as nothing but mere coincidence. Two people in the same city with a heavy history intersecting their paths again.

You also realized the way to make your friendship with Roman work: you have to learn to put less energy into it. You can’t let it consume you but instead let it run its course.

You placed Roman in the background of your life, treating him like just any other friend. You hang out every now and then, but it's never the same as before. However, that is the key to the success of this friendship. It can never be like before, since that obviously didn’t work. You have to keep your distance and not allow him to enter your heart once again.

However, he has already entered your mind: his sulky eyes in every thought, his soothing voice in every memory, his tender touch in every dream.

You can’t let your feelings take the wheel and instead decide to focus on your career. Yet, even there all you can find are dead ends.

After two weeks of continuous internal struggle, you are left in an endless tunnel of thoughts, unsure of how your life will turn out.

Your fingernail taps rhythmically on your wooden desk as the pictures from your last gig shine bright against your face. All around you are distractions when your work is right in front of you. Suddenly, a new and much more important distraction presented itself: a notification.

(2 - 6)

Among the colorful lights coming from the Ferris wheel and swarms of excited families waiting in long lines, you spot Roman alongside his group. Hollis and Nate are trying to speak to each other over the loud music coming from the speaker right next to them, Ryan and Sirena are looking at all the rides they want to go on, and Roman has his phone in hand, eyes wandering around the place with his eyebrows furrowed.

You wonder who or what he is looking for, but your question is answered when his eyes land on you, his eyebrows raising in a mixture of surprise and relief, before alerting the whole group that you made it.

Roman walks up to you, everyone else closely behind him. He gives you a small side hug before you are greeted by the rest.

“Did you guys wait for long?” you ask, looking at Roman’s friends.

“Yes,” Hollis states with forced irritation. “What took you so long?”

“I was caught up with work, sorry,” you apologize before finally taking a moment to have a good look around the place. You haven’t been to a fair since you were 16, but it isn’t much different from what you remember: a large Ferris wheel, a drop tower, carousel and bumper cars, and a bunch of food and drink stands scattered around the place.

Roman’s lips move quickly, but the music and agitation is too loud around you to hear whatever he said.

“What?” you scream over the voices of the little kids running around the place, leaning in to hear him better.

“Let’s go to the boats,” he yells in your ear, causing you to jump back slightly. You reply with a nod and follow the group to the lake behind the fair.

After splitting up and paying the ride fee, you and Roman end up on opposite sides of the same boat to evenly spread out the weight, although the boat is small enough that your knees are touching.

The boat sways side-to-side with every tiny shift in your position, causing you to grasp onto the sides tightly. The pitch-black water and sky didn’t help either, the colorful lights of the fair only lighting up the dock and the shallow side of the water, the deep part of the lake seemingly bottomless with the dark night sky reflecting onto it.

You and Roman each take one paddle and begin rowing, following the others farther away into the lake. You stay quiet, saving your breaths for the rowing, calculating them carefully in order to not move too much and risk tipping the boat over.

Roman notices how quiet you are, taking note of your mechanical movements and small breaths. He is a lot more relaxed than you and can’t help but feel bad. He has noticed your decreasing enthusiasm every time you texted. He sensed avoidance but decided to give you the benefit of the doubt as he understands how exhausting your job can be sometimes. However, he did make it a goal to cheer you up, or at least try.

The boats Roman’s friends are situated in are dispersed throughout the lake, not too much distance between them, but enough that you can’t hear the conversations of the neighboring boat.

You place the paddle back inside the boat, looking down at the black reflection of the water, small waves creating underneath the boat from the inevitable swaying.

Suddenly, the boat begins to shake harder, causing you to grasp the sides with your nails digging into the old wood, and look at Roman only to see a wide grin on his face as he moves his torso side-to-side, causing the commotion.

“Stop!” you tell him, trying to hide your fear but the distress in your voice is too obvious.

“Sorry,” he grins, slowing down his movement to gradually stop the shaking of the boat. “What are you so scared of? It’s just water.”

You shoot him a look in response. Roman always teased you for your irrational fears, making sure to use them against you later. It was a back-and-forth thing, but as you tend to get scared more easily, he would always have the upper hand.

And although the lake and swaying boat is an irrational fear as you know how to swim, there is just something about the bottomless dark lake that gives you the creeps.

Deciding it is the only appropriate way to reply, you stick your hand in the lake, scooping up enough water to throw at Roman’s shirt and make him flinch.

“What the fuck!” he almost yells, his voice bouncing off the water over to the other boats, causing Hollis to look at your boat.

“It’s just water,” you shrug, overly proud of your childish response.

Roman rolls his eyes, shaking the water off his arms and shirt. He looks out at the lake, the other side barely visible with the small light coming from the moon and distant fair. He looks back at you, watching the irises of your eyes twinkle with the reflection of the stars, your hair gently caressed by the wind. You don’t hold his gaze, yet stare at the water. He can tell you aren’t comfortable, but he doesn’t know if it is because of him or something else. But he knows he has to find out.

“What’s up,” he says, pretending to not be too invested by fixing his hair and looking elsewhere.

“Just tired,” you answer, not letting a full explanation escape your lips. It would be too hard to understand, and you don’t believe Roman is genuinely curious, just being polite.

“You said you’ll tell me more about your work and stuff,” he continues, trying to get you to open up.

“Well, I told you about the show I’m working for right now,” you look at him and he nods in response, listening intently for the rest of the story. “The light guy quit yesterday, and since I’m in charge of photography they asked me to plan out the stage visuals and all until they find a new guy. That on top of all the shit I have to edit from the other shows,” you finally give Roman a long enough response, but soon realize you are talking his ears off and have to stop yourself before it turns into a full-on rant. “I don’t know, it’s just a lot,” you finish off with a sigh.

“Is there anything I can help with?”

“No, don’t worry,” you smile at him, his sweetness making you rot from the inside. It’s hard to distance yourself from a person so kind, and with every word he says, your heart grows tenfold. “Just be here with me,” you speak before you can even process the words you are saying, letting your mouth act before your mind. But Roman’s response was enough to make all your regret disappear.

“Of course,” he leans forward, placing a hand on your knee, his thumb tracing circles into the fabric of your jeans.

You finally meet his eye, his gaze magnetic although barely visible in the dark night. His lips are curled in a kind smile, sending waves of comfort throughout your body. You finally relax, letting the warmth of his touch loosen your muscles.

You don’t know how long Roman will be here for. Maybe he will find another reason to leave or avoid you, maybe it will never be the same, maybe his time away from you really changed him into a person you can never find peace in. But for now, you feel as if the old Roman, the one you grew up with, is right in front of you. His comforting gaze broke the walls you were trying to hold up, and all you want to do is embrace the moment you are in right now, not thinking about the future.

So, without even contemplating your actions, you lean in to wrap your arms around Roman in a tight hug. He is slightly taken aback for a moment, but he soon gathers himself and pulls you in harder, almost making you fall off your seat. You both giggle quietly before you figure out your footing. He whispers a small ‘sorry’ while he adjusts into the embrace, forgetting how your body feels against his. You bury your face in the crook of his neck while he rests his cheek on your hair, and the two of you stay like that for a while.

Roman knows how much you needed this hug, his hand caressing your lower back while he listens to your muffled breaths even out into his skin. However, you don’t know how much he needed this too.

To him, you are a breath of fresh air, bringing him back to the easier days. Although it is all different now, with different jobs and pathways, he knows the way your bodies fit into each other so effortlessly is not a coincidence. He has never felt so secure with anyone before. Your paths were destined to cross again.

The Ferris wheel begins moving, the seat underneath you trembling as you start gaining altitude. Roman’s leg brushes up against yours while he holds onto the handrails, watching the world beneath him become smaller.

He notices a younger girl and boy playing darts together to win the ultimate prize: a teddy bear larger than them. He remembers all the fairs you and him used to go to in your childhood. You would always end the night on the Ferris wheel, and you would usually be holding a teddy bear just like that after spending way too much money trying to earn it.

Back in your childhood home, somewhere in your old closet sat one of those teddy bears. Another one was at Roman’s old home, and the third one brought back sour memories as after a fair you and Roman had the bright idea to take a shortcut home through a darker alley where you ended up getting chased by dogs. Instinctively, you threw the teddy bear at them, watching them tear the plush and fabric to pieces while you and Roman ran for your lives.

You remember the next day, after spending the whole night crying about the loss, Roman came to your house with the remaining bits of the teddy bear: a singular hand, smeared in dirt and dog saliva. But you still took it and cherished what was left of the toy, storing the arm in your shoebox.

“You know, despite everything,” Roman starts, looking over to you. “I think this is how it’s meant to be.”

“What do you mean?” you meet his eye, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

“I think we needed a break. We had to learn to be alone in order to make this work,” he continues, speaking with an honest tone. “I mean, obviously I have my regrets. We both fucked up in many ways.”

“Oh, definitely,” you chuckle, nodding your head in agreement while recounting all the mistakes you made that still made you cringe to this day.

“What I don’t regret though is not telling you how I felt.”

“What? That would’ve fixed everything,” you argue, tilting your head to question his reasoning.

“You think so?” he sneers in disagreement. “We were so immature. Even if I did confess and all and we started dating, it would’ve lasted a few weeks tops.”

“Why?”

“First of all, we were both terrible at relationships. Second, we were way too childish,” Roman begins listing reasons as if he has been going over them in his head for years. Maybe he has. “And lastly, I don’t think I would’ve been good enough for you. I was kind of an asshole back then.”

“You still are,” you tease with a proud smirk on your face. Roman shoots you a playful look. “But I guess it makes sense. I mean if we weren’t mature enough to maintain a friendship, a relationship would’ve been a hundred times harder.”

“Exactly,” Roman nods, satisfied that you finally understand his point of view. “Plus, I’m happy with the way things are,” he adds, his confessions, although small and rare, sent electric waves throughout your body. You can finally see how much Roman cares about you and that the separation affected him as much as you, something you didn’t think possible a few years ago.

The ride is coming to an end so you and Roman take a last glance at the vast landscape of LA beneath you, the entire world seemingly minuscule and irrelevant. The only thing that matters is Roman right beside you. You look over at him, watching the hopeful glint in his eyes as he follows all the cars rush by and the lights turn off in windows while people finish off their days. He brushes a curl out of his face, but it falls right back due to the stronger wind at that altitude. So, following your instinct, you reach out to gently tuck his hair behind his ear.

Roman is slightly surprised by your sudden closeness, but he then remembers how moments like this were common for you two. Maybe it will be just like before, small touches that meant nothing but pure adoration, heartfelt conversation that would bring comfort, moments of complete silence that could never be awkward. The past rushed in like a strong wave on a windy night while Roman glances at you, finding nothing but familiarity and understanding.

Maybe it will be just like before, the small touches turning into something, the conversations leaving him unfulfilled and wanting more, moments of silence in which all he wanted to do was reach out and feel you, but he knew that would cross a line. The wave came crashing down violently as Roman realized the past is coming back without any change. As his eyes travel down to your lips he understands his feelings never left. It will be just the same as in highschool, meaningless pining while he watches you from a distance.

Roman’s needy gaze didn’t go unnoticed by you, but for some strange reason, you don’t pull away. Of course, that would be the mature and logical thing to do. All you need now is a strong friendship, one that you can’t risk ruining. You don’t even realize Roman is thinking the same exact thing, both of you so scared yet leaning into each other on the plastic seat of the Ferris wheel.

He focuses on the way you lick your lips, parting them slightly as it suddenly becomes hard to breathe. Tingles travel up his spine, the hotness in his face alleviated by the cool wind. He looks back up at you, holding eye contact, and he can swear that for a split second, all he can see is want in your piercing gaze. He searches your eyes, feeling the tension build up as your faces are dangerously close, so close you can feel his minty breath fan over your face.

A loud metal sound makes you both jump and resume your original positions as you notice the ride staff was blatantly staring at you with a wide smile. He lifts the safety bar, allowing you and Roman to break free from the small and intimate seat and walk off without saying a word to each other.

You reunite with the rest of the group, all of them staring at you and Roman suspiciously, Hollis trying his best to hide a smile. You decide to call it a night and finally go home to finish up your work that is waiting for you on your desk.

After saying your goodbyes and walking away, you allowed yourself to relax, your shoulders untensing as the group becomes smaller behind you. Roman watches you slowly disappear, engulfed by the crowds of families and friends. And for the first time, he feels it too. That strange feeling inside his chest, his heart fluttering at the thought of you, his brain going fuzzy when he remembers the tense moment on the Ferris wheel. He wonders what would have happened if the ride hadn’t ended so quickly. Would you have pulled away? Would he?

But he knows one thing: he has to keep things platonic. His feelings for you were what ruined the friendship before, and he knows he can’t let that happen again. Not when things are getting good again and your friendship feels stable. Not when you bring so much peace in his life, when you give him something to look forward to. He values your relationship too much so he can’t let his feelings ruin it. So he decides to push them to the back of his mind, completely unaware that you are struggling with the exact same thing.

(7 - 14)

Walking through the old park, with trees torn down and the playground completely changed, it feels like your childhood is gone. Even the grass is a different shade, worn down by all the kids running around on it.

But sitting in the grass with Roman in the empty park, exactly in the place you met him 15 years ago, it feels like a full circle moment.

“What did you expect me to do?” Roman puts his hands up in defense.

“Join the game without tricking me?” you argue in a ‘stating-the-obvious’ tone, discussing your first memory together.  

“Whatever. You shouldn’t have trusted me,” he shrugs.

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have.”

Roman looks over at the tree stump, reimagining how tall it used to be. He remembers how all the kids would gather underneath it during hot sunny days as it was the largest tree in the park.

You look over to his black shirt, admiring the way it sat on him, contrasting his pale skin. His jeans were baggier than what he usually wears, with camo print on them. He had his typical cross necklaces on, stacked on top of each other and swaying whenever Roman moved. And then his bracelets: a leather cuff, a woven one with the colors of the Mexican flag, and the bracelet you gave him.

“You still have that thing?” you point it out, pretending you didn’t see it a few days back in his bag. He looks over at his arm confused before noticing what you were referring.

“Yeah,” he laughs awkwardly, realizing it was sort of a bold move to wear it in front of you. “I wear it sometimes. I’m not giving it back though.”

“It’s all yours, don’t worry about it,” you chuckle, keeping your eye fixed on the bracelet. The color of the beads has worn off with time, the paint now patchy and faded, but this is all evidence of how frequently Roman wears it.

You suddenly begin to feel uncomfortable, the air becoming too warm, your body leaning towards Roman on the sightly wet grass, so you decide to focus on your surroundings instead.

You lay down on the ground, ignoring the damp grass against your hair and shirt, instead staring at the orange sky above as the sun slowly sets, weak sunrays making their way through the leaves of the few trees still standing.

“What does Hollis think about all of this?” you mutter, too tired to use your full voice. Roman looks at you confused, trying to understand what you mean.

“Us?”

“Yeah. Moreso me. I mean, didn’t he hate when I would hang out with you guys?” you explain while Roman listens carefully.

“He was 18. His little childish ass hated everyone that wasn’t in our group,” Roman speaks, making you huff a small chuckle. “He didn’t like you because of the things I’d say.” You turn your head to look at Roman, grass grazing your cheek.

“What things did you say?”

“Not like anything bad,” he tries to reassure you, realizing how bad it sounds. “Well, not too bad. It was more about how down I was whenever something happened between us. From his perspective, you were kind of the bad guy,” he admits, making you ponder over all the things you said during arguments.

“I mean, I did push you away because of Caleb,” you agree, understanding why Hollis hated you. “But you also did the same.”

“Yeah, we both fucked up,” he nods, looking down at you. “But it’s pointless to be stuck on the past.”

You take in his words, staring back up at the sky. The orange begins to disappear, swallowed by a dark purple. The warm sun rays hid underneath the horizon, and from the other side of the sky you can see the moon chasing after them.

The world is unchanged, despite the park being torn down and completely stripped of the attributes that reminded you of your childhood. The only thing that matters is that you and Roman somehow made your way back in it together. You made your way back to each other.

You often times brush things off as mere coincidences. But with every sunrise and sunset you begin to doubt your own values, starting to see the symbolism in your own life instead of just in your photos.

“Do you think this is gonna work?” you press, unsure if the question is for Roman or for yourself.

“I hope so,” he replies quietly, as if speaking too loudly would jinx it.

You and Roman glance at each other, both having doubt in your eyes. You both are painfully aware of the underlying tension between you, the feelings similar to those years ago.

You stare deeper into his eyes, unaware of how similar your thoughts are to his. You look at the way his hair perfectly frames his face. He admires the slope of your nose. You notice his more defined curls. He watches your chest rise and fall with each breath, each one seemingly longer.

Roman reaches out, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and plucking some grass out of it. The touch felt pure. So innocent. No other person would touch you like this. Not to impress or to feel you, but to make you understand. As if Roman communicates through physical contact, his hands and gentle fingers expressing his feelings better than words ever could.

You lean into his touch, signaling to him to continue. And just like that, you observe the moon finally making its way into the sky, surrounded by bright stars, with Roman’s fingers tangled in your hair.

This is wrong. Definitely crossing a line. But all you can think about is how the sky is never this clear in the city. You can usually count the stars on one hand, but now you can get lost trying to focus on a single one.

Roman didn’t look up though. The reflection of the stars in your eyes is enough, your hair woven around his finger like the bracelets he wears on his arms.

This is wrong. But it sure doesn’t feel like it. And for the night you push away your morals, your mind too clouded to focus. For the night, this is right.

chapter 6 taglist: @unicornfairysparkle69 @gnariii @seraphiclizbotomy @kingoveverything @bitchimmadashell @isol0philia @6teenforevr @2bun22 @nesbi0 @gunzs1ut2222 @pokodotlot @pirouettepirouettepirouette @notqlms @gabisohot @angelrazor6000 @l0v3rgrr1 @jazminhands

[haremurderrr]

Having withdrawals where is IVY ch5💔💔💔💔

ITS COMING I SWEARRRR!!! It’s just summer yall im only writing at night or like really early in the morning 🙁🙁

But anyway it’s done i just have to change some things

Sorry for the wait 💔

[elevenelevene]

Why is there a rommulas ff drought???? Im in heat and the only cure is that sexy beast

[haremurderrr]

i love ur writing!

tyy bb!! more coming ofc 😛

[haremurderrr]

hey imy

hey im back :3

[haremurderrr]

IVY

childhood bestfriend!roman x reader - chapter 4 chapter 3 wc: 3500 cw: weed, mentions of violence synopsis: you and Roman met each other when you were 7 after a not-so-pleasant encounter at the park. You became inseparable after that. In the many years of friendship you developed feelings for Roman, but you somehow managed to keep them hidden. It was all in vain, however, as your friendship ended a couple of days before graduation. After four years of not hearing from him, you meet him at a party you were working at as a photographer, lighting up a flame you didn't know was still burning inside, buried and long forgotten. author's note: guys i'm actually working a lot slower than usual (in case you didn't notice). I love you all and thank you for all the support, i'll try to hurry up the next few chapters.

2022

A dissonant storm of voices surrounded you, coming from all directions.

You looked around the lit-up football pitch of your highschool, trying your best to find your assigned chair.

Somewhere in the bleachers sat your parents, waving at you once they spotted you in the crowd. You waved back with a nervous smile, overwhelmed by the volume and agitation of the pitch.

The fluorescent floodlights cast an unbearable white glow over your peers, all dressed in gowns and graduate caps, some of them painted and decorated, some of them blank and unscathed.

You took a deep breath of the chill evening air and began counting the rows before finally spotting your seat, not too far away from where you were stood. It was getting there that was the issue.

You began pushing through the swarm of people, large friend groups gathered in circles, all emotional, whether it was the bittersweet feeling of finishing a chapter of their lives or the fear of the upcoming future.

Finally, you reached your row, your nerves settling down as you knew you wouldn’t have to deal with this much longer.

Right as you were about to say your first ‘sorry’ in order to move past the people sat at the isle, you spotted a pair of eyes looking up at you: Roman, with a fresh buzzcut sat next to Hollis and Nate, all gawking at you as if you had murdered their families.

You always pictured yourself graduating alongside Roman, hugging him after receiving your diploma and crashing some party together to celebrate. You never imagined you would be sat in the same row, five people separating you, not speaking one word to each other the whole night.

Every now and then you’d glance over to him, taking note of his smirk whenever Hollis made a joke, or his casual posture as if you and him hadn’t been planning this exact night since you were 13.

Every now and then you’d catch a glimpse of his eye as he couldn’t help himself from glancing over at you too. You kept your eyes peeled on him when he walked up to get his diploma, and you felt his dark eyes bore into you when you got yours. Like he was watching over you.

In a way, you experienced that night together, the way you always dreamed you would. But he was so distant. You were between strangers. He was between friends. On the chair next to you, where Roman was supposed to sit, you felt a sharp cold air piercing through your shoulder.

Finally, you threw your cap alongside the people you grew up with. But they weren’t Roman.

That night, instead of going to bed to rest before the stressful exams, you took a stroll to the park you and Roman met in, deciding to sit on the swings, kicking pebbles beneath you with each swing.

Thinking back on all of the years spent together you finally accepted that you and Roman had gone down different paths. It would never be the same. You would never have movie nights again, or parties, or smoke sessions, or even a casual conversation. That night was all you needed to understand your childhood was finally over. With highschool ending, so did your innocence, the blind purity brought by the simple moments in life.

Suddenly, on the other side of the park you heard a twig snap, causing you to tense up and look towards the source of the noise. You never knew what could happen on a dark night like this, all alone and vulnerable.

You noticed a tall figure make its way to a bench and sit down. One of the streetlights flickered behind it, casting a glow around the figure, and you instantly recognize its features.

Roman looked at you from the bench. He didn’t say a word.

You continued swinging, realizing there was no danger. Just pure coincidence. But it was the closure you needed. The perfect ending to the painful year you had experienced.

You and Roman didn’t spend much longer in the park as it was quite late and chilly, but for the few minutes you were there, you looked at each other, both deep in thought. You wondered what was on his mind. You wondered how you even got here.

But you both understood that getting up and acknowledging each other would be too painful. So you sat there, heavy in each other’s presence, living through your last night of purity.

2026

The sand protruded into every corner of your sneakers, making it more and more uncomfortable to walk. Hollis’ voice could be heard speaking to Nate behind you, Sirena chiming in every now and then.

You could hear laughter and a few jokes, but nothing worth focusing on when Roman walked slightly ahead of you. His hair was down, wind gently blowing through it as the salty and humid atmosphere of the beach made his curls more prominent.

He held a joint between his lips, taking a hit before passing it over to you every now and then. You hoped to be able to relax, finding it hard to do so around this specific group. The weed helped loosen you up a bit, but the sand making its way into your socks irked you too much to find comfort.

Sirena and Ryan had already taken off their shoes, so you joined them, the feeling of the cold sand on your feet bringing you the comfort you sought out.

Roman peeked over his shoulder to look at you and you met his eye with a warm smile. A smile he recognized well. Your tolerance had always been weaker than his, and he knew you could get high off a couple hits.

You extended your hand, offering him the joint back, but he declined with a nod.

“Keep it,” he spoke in a hushed voice.

You thanked him with a smile, although he couldn’t tell the difference as a smile was constantly plastered on your face as a result of the weed.

“You ever been here before?” he continued, slowing down so you could catch up with him.

“Of course,” you scoffed, taking another hit.

“Just making sure,” he shrugged, watching the way your face was illuminated when you inhaled slowly. “Gotta show you a spot thought,” he nodded at some rocks in front of him.

“Please,” you rolled your eyes. “I’ve seen every part of this beach.”

“But you’ve never been here with me before,” Roman sped up his walking pace. You followed close behind him, taking a long drag from the joint as you and Roman left the rest of the group behind.

Finally, you reached the rocks. And as expected, you already knew the place. Somewhere behind the rocks there was a patch of sand, big enough to fit a group of people, the past presence of humans being left in empty wrappers and soda cans thrown about the place.

The rocks gathered to create a sort of shelter, protecting you from the cold shore breeze as you sat down in the sand with a loud huff, placing your shoes next to you. Roman sat in front of you, leaving a noticeable gap between your legs. Ever since meeting Roman again, there was always an obvious shield between the two of you, something you had both built subconsciously. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was to protect yourselves.

“You feeling nice?” Roman asked with a grin, noticing your hooded eyes and relaxed stance as you finally let your guard down. However, not entirely.

“Yeah,” you nodded, finishing the joint while focusing on the way the moonlight cast sparkles upon the sand grains. “I needed this. Thanks,” you sighed, slumping your shoulders while propping up your hands on the sand behind you to support your suddenly heavy torso.

“Work’s hard?” he continued probing, trying to get a conversation going.

“As fuck,” you stifled a laugh. “I mean, life’s going my way and all. But I feel like there’s more out there, you know?” you began opening up while trapping the sand between your fingers.

“Yeah,” Roman nodded. “I know.”

“Oh, please!” you scoffed. “There’s a whole ocean of opportunities for you. Record labels and albums and shit.”

“Yeah, but I’ve also just started. No one knew my name until last year,” Roman argued in a calm tone. “There’s still so many things that feel out of reach.”

“Still. You’ve come so far in just one year. Took me two years of meaningless work to finally get hired for a party. And it was a fucking prom,” you chuckled, remembering the horrors of your first big gig. “All the pictures were teens grinding up on each other and disappointed chaperones.”

“Oh my God!” Roman straightened up suddenly, a spark in his eye appearing in the dim light. “Remember our prom night?”

“Of course I do,” you huffed, suddenly being reminded of the most awkward night of your life.

“Were you even there?” Roman tilted his head inquisitively. “I don’t remember seeing you.”

“I was at my table for most of the night,” you admitted.

“Hiding from me?” he grinned, his arrogance making you roll your eyes involuntarily.

“Hiding from Caleb. I was too nervous to face him after everything that happened. You know, I even pre-gamed at home to prepare myself for a confrontation, but I never got the courage to do it,” you awkwardly chuckled, realizing how much of a coward you had been. “And he disappeared towards the end of the night anyway. Probably off with some girl.”

You looked up once Roman didn’t say anything in response, but simply nodded while staring at the sand absent-mindedly. A sudden stiffness in his expression and posture made you realize something was heavy on his heart.

“What?” you pried. Roman shook his head with an awkward chuckle, but you knew he was about to crack. “Tell me,” you tried again, this time leaning forward slightly.

“You know after he…” he began, carefully picking his words. “…cheated,” he said quietly, as to not bring back painful memories. “He wasn’t very secretive about it. Word got to Nate, and eventually to me. I went a bit overboard with the alcohol during prom night, and so did he.” You listened attentively to him as you started to piece together where the story was going. “Anyway, I went to the bathroom towards the end and we somehow ended up fighting,” Roman swallowed dryly when finishing his sentence, scared to look up at you.

“Like,” you widened your eyes, trying to process the new information. “Physically?” Roman nodded slowly, guilt too heavy to lift his gaze. “Who threw the first punch?”

“Me,” he replied quietly, holding a breath while awaiting your response.

After you and Roman had stopped talking, he tried his best to stay out of your business. He didn’t interact with your other friends, stopped asking about you at parties, even stopped sitting next to you in class. But when your relationship with Caleb started to go downhill, word got around and soon enough, it was inevitable to hear about it.

Although he held a resentment towards you at that time, any mention of the way Caleb treated you, or even the sight of his face, made him blood boil with anger. He told himself you asked for this, you put yourself in that situation. But upon hearing that he cheated on you, the only thing on his mind was punching his stupid face.

He never planned on telling you, and Caleb was too ashamed to tell anyone he got his ass beat by Roman, so the fight stayed between them. Caleb had left prom and wore sunglasses until his black eye healed and avoided Roman for the rest of the year.

Roman was always afraid of what you would do if you found out. He knew how attached you were to Caleb, and he was scared that this would push you even further away from him.

So when you toppled over, hair touching the sand as you laughed uncontrollably at this confession, he was nothing short of confused.

“What?” Roman couldn’t bite back his smile as he joined in your laughing fit, yet still audibly confused. You sighed, a wide grin still plastered on your flushed face as you straightened back up, hand on your stomach as you evened out your breathing.

“I appreciate that, Roman,” you met his eye, a warm glint emphasized by the moonlight beaming directly onto your face. “God, I need another joint,” you admitted, brushing sand out of your hair. “I haven’t smoked in months.”

“That’s such a lie,” he scoffed.

“It’s not. I don’t always have time to relax and shit.”

“Don’t people offer you a smoke when you’re working at parties or something?”

“I always turn them down,” you shake your head.

“Man, I remember you used to never pass on an offer like that.”

“Come on, I wasn’t that crazy,” you argued playfully.

“You were crazier than me!” You threw your head back at his words, not believing them for a second. “Getting high every weekend, drinking at every party,” he continued.

“You’re making me sound like a delinquent,” you chuckled.

“You kinda were,” Roman joked.

“My grades were better than yours!” you slammed your hands against the sand to emphasize your argument.

“True,” Roman nodded, accepting defeat. “Only thing I missed out on was messing around. I was so stuck on fucking Caleb I didn’t get the chance to get to know other people.”

“You know, when you and him broke up at least three guys were ready to swoop in,” Roman said.

“I’m so sure,” you sarcastically bit back.

“No, really. So many guys hated Caleb because they wanted you,” Roman continued. You were unsure if he was telling the truth or he was just saying things to make you feel good.

“Sure, Roman,” you scoffed, looking out at the ocean.

The wind had gotten stronger, and although you were shielded by the large rocks, you could hear the furious air slamming against them above you. The waves got larger and the faint sound of the others talking in the distance had simmered away, engulfed by the sounds of the beach.

You focused on the waves crashing into the shore, the splash they made, leaving behind white and salty foam. But you felt Roman’s eyes on you. However, it was unusually comforting. You didn’t feel watched or inspected, but acknowledged. Admired. A feeling Roman always gave you. A feeling you hadn’t felt in a long time.

You truly wanted this to work. Not only to make up for the painful years that had followed highschool, but to have Roman’s presence back in your life. With him you never felt judged, never felt silenced or misunderstood. With him you felt normal, as if your bond was always meant to be there. It felt like you and him came as one, and your friendship was indisputable.

You truly wanted this to work. And you would do anything to get your friendship back.

Sitting with your knees to your chest in the passenger seat, head leaning on the door with the window rolled down, you listened to the soft music playing through the speakers of Roman’s car as he drove mindlessly.

After a long conversation about how you were getting home, you finally accepted Roman’s offer to take you home. Fortunately for him as you were giving your address, he realized it was on the way to his house, making you feel less guilty.

Roman’s car smelled like cigarettes even before he rolled down his window to light one up, alongside his musky cologne and leather. His music taste hadn’t changed over the years, and you even recognized some of the songs from back when you were kids, blasting music from his laptop when his parents weren’t home.

The ride masked itself as comfortable, the cushioned seats allowing you to sink into them as the wind gently blew over your face. But you and Roman both felt a lingering tension between the two of you as the weed began to wear off.

You didn’t know what time it was. You knew it wasn’t even worth checking as time felt still, your entire presence being trapped inside the car.

Once you reached your apartment building Roman asked if he could come up to use the restroom as his house was still 15 minutes away. And from the second you said ‘yes’, you knew this would be a mistake.

You let Roman into your apartment. Your space.

His cologne left a trail that wouldn’t leave for days behind him. The problem was you weren’t bothered. You liked it. You hoped he would leave something behind so you could remember him by something when he left.

You had reunited with Roman merely one week ago, yet you felt more attachment than you had felt in the 12 years of growing up together.

You waited for him on your couch, a place you usually felt comfortable in. Yet your body felt stiff, with your arms placed carefully in your lap and your hands fidgety. Your leg bounced anxiously when you heard the toilet flush, knowing your time alone to think was over.

“Can you bring me my eyeliner?” you heard his voice from the bathroom, muffled by the closed door. “It’s in my bag. My face is all fucked up.”

You shook yourself out of your thoughts, standing up to search through his bag that lay on the floor beside the front door. You searched the side pockets, your hands rummaging through his trinkets and belongings. Upon finding nothing, you moved on to a pouch that caught your eye. Cigarette packs, a few lighters he liked to collect, a couple of coins. And finally the eyeliner.

As you wrapped your fingers around it, you brushed against something that felt round. Beads. You opened the pouch wider, staring down at your new find: the bracelet you had given Roman years ago.

You swallowed hard, the realization settling in your wrecked brain.

“Found it?” Roman asked again from the bathroom, cracking the door open.

You shot up from his bag, not even bothering to close the pouch before rushing over to the bathroom.

“Yeah,” you handed him the eyeliner, avoiding his eye.

“Thanks,” he brushed off your distant demeanor as you still being high. Partly, this was true.

Partly, you realized Roman had been just as stuck on you as you had been stuck on him, all these years. He never moved on. He wanted you back in his life. All those meaningless things had been the world to him. That pouch was like your shoebox in a way, a time capsule for the things that mattered. A piece of you made it into that pouch, and he carried it around in his daily life.

To many, this would be a bittersweet discovery, something that would warm their heart up. And to you it did exactly that. But in all the wrong ways.

Laying down in bed late at night, after tossing around in the sheets and pillows before settling on laying on your back, you realized how stupid you had been.

You had never felt admiration and love so strongly for anyone besides Roman. That’s what led to your demise. That’s why a friendship could never work.

You could either lie to yourself and continue, knowing this would wreck you mentally, or you could remove him from your life once again and protect yourself and him.

The thought that Roman moved on was what helped you move on. But knowing you were both still stuck there, in your years of innocence, brought everything back.

Your feelings towards him were clear.

You valued his friendship and presence too much. You had to lead with your mind, and the logical move was to push your feelings aside and accept his love, as a friend.

Somehow you were back in highschool, back to elementary school, back to that first day in the park, Roman’s deep eyes beaming down onto you. You were back to square one.  

chapter 5 taglist: @unicornfairysparkle69 @gnariii @seraphiclizbotomy @kingoveverything @bitchimmadashell @isol0philia @6teenforevr @2bun22 @nesbi0 @gunzs1ut2222 @pokodotlot @pirouettepirouettepirouette @notqlms @gabisohot @angelrazor6000 @l0v3rgrr1

[haremurderrr]

guys ivy ch4 coming out 2nite!!!

if not i give yall permission to cancel me 🙁

[haremurderrr]

HOLYHAREHOLYHAREHOLYHARE

[haremurderrr]

im reading the "all i need" fic and i just wanted to thank u for ur service. it is so good im going insane

TYYY I LOVE YOUUU 🩷🩷 I miss All I Need it was sooo fun (also my first ever multiple chapter fanfic)