Just in case anyone is curious, Josh has always been a big part of me.
This is Josh, aged 8 or 9.
He was the one who had the courage to go up to boys and play football with them, when Hattie was too shy because she thought they would laugh.
He was the one who got excited when mum took him clothes shopping for hoodies and tracksuits and jeans, when Hattie used to refuse to go because she would be made to gawp at the sparkly dresses in GAP Kids.
He was the one who would make all the friends on holiday because he was funny and loud and up for getting into all sorts of messy trouble. Hattie was too awkward and resentful of the fact only the girls would want to play with her and anyway, they had silly shoes that werenāt made for climbing/rolling/tussling.
Josh went away for a long time after Hattie started secondary school because she got horribly bullied for not being girly enough. This is really sad because in a lot of ways, Josh brings out the best in Hattie. He is confident, secure and doesnāt second guess what people think of him. Totally the opposite of her.
The good thing is though, now Hattie is feeling more confident in herself, her sexuality and her future career, itās like Josh is bubbling back up to the surface. Hattie now knows that feelings of shame and embarrassment manifest themselves entirely inwardly and you have the choice to let them control you or you can embrace the reasons behind them as positive instead of negative.
Hattie is a confident, insecure, sociable, anxious, driven, uninhibited young woman. And that is thanks in large, to Josh.
BABY JOSHUA
1998
wahhhh my hearrrrrt oh weve come so far
