Heather @harryscherrysuckr - Tumblr Blog

Aug 15

TO LOVE TO STAY

.ᐟ.ᐟ read part 1 TO LOVE TO LET GO first! pairing: current older boyfriend! Harry Styles x fem! reader summary: After a month long break to think through your future plans, Harry comes back to you and life that sorted itself word count: 8.6K contains: age gap (Harry is 32 & reader is 23), angst, talks about marriage and kids, pregnancy, brief mentions of abortion, fluff, multimedia

MASTERPOST⋆˚౨ৎ⋆.˚ | TAGLIST ALL MY LOVE & TPWK, E

A month had passed since Harry had kissed you goodbye. Without him, days felt longer, food didn’t taste as good, exhaustion was grasping at your limbs and joy was your biggest enemy. It was just you, your thoughts and the space of your bedroom that suddenly felt enormous.

The first day you barely ate or slept. Bed was your safest place, and leaving it felt like a nightmare. You felt lost. Anxious. Worried. You felt that kind of heartache that even you couldn’t quite put into words. There were so many emotions and feelings fighting in your body. You cried a sea of tears, and after just an hour you had to open a second box of tissues, until finally exhaustion, both mental and physical, let you close your eyes.

There were days when you moved around the apartment like a ghost, finally doing something, but with certain slowness in your movements. Other days all you could do was lie in your bedsheets with muscles that felt too heavy with sadness to move.

It was porridge for breakfast, Chinese soup for lunch, crackers for dinner, and everything again the day after and after. You weren't able to eat more, your stomach felt like it was on water.

You knew that what happened wasn't a breakup. Just a break. An opportunity for both of you to think through your future for good. You weren’t sure when Harry would come back or what would happen after he stepped past the threshold of your front door, but you knew it would take a while for sure.

You both wanted the same things. Successful careers, big house, marriage and happy family with a kid or two. Just at a different time. It wasn’t so long ago since you finished university and landed the perfect job. And even though maternity leave was an option, you didn’t want to lose all the progress and opportunities. You wished for the bright future of little kids running around the house with a big garden later than in a year. Harry, on the other hand, would wrap up his tour soon and was ready to raise kids afterwards during another break meant this time only for growing your family. And the proposal and wedding would be thrown possibly somewhere in between.

You called sick at work with the lamest excuse of a fever, even though you were feeling more as if you were dying. Days of home office came after when being “sick” wasn't a possible option anymore. Your job offered you this sort of luxury, and it came especially handy while you were travelling with Harry.

The stress and overthinking were eating you alive, but you tried to function, or at least do the bare minimum despite everything. You were glad when you finished your tasks and could sleep the rest of the day away. But after being absent from work for two weeks, something so unlike you, your best friend started to worry. Your messages lacked your usual excitement, and when long yaps and voice messages turned into a few-word answers, she knew something was up.

“Hey, you,” Amelia smiled when you opened the front door, wrapped up in a blanket and a sad smile on your face. You were actually happy she was there. “I brought you some food and ice cream. And I might've got us some wine as well.”

“Ames, you didn't have to.” You shook your head at the sight of the plastic bags but moved aside to let her in.

“I did not. I wanted to. Now spill. What's been up with you? And where’s Harry?” She started pulling all the containers out of the bags and put them in the fridge while you sat at the barstool by the counter back to your half-eaten oatmeal. You noticed she got you some tasty dishes from your favourite restaurant.

“Harry’s in Italy. We- we’re on a break.”

“What?” Amelia turned abruptly on her heel, not caring about hiding her shocked expression.

“Yeah.” You whispered.

“Oh my god, why? What happened? Did you have a fight or something?”

“No, no, not really. Just- Harry thought it would be best for us to have some time apart from each other so we could think some things through.”

“What happened?” She asked again with raised eyebrows, waiting for you to stop dancing around the topic like it’s a ticking bomb and actually tell her.

“Harry wants to have a baby soon. Like soon soon. And I’m scared I’m not ready for it now. Amelia, you should’ve seen him at the wedding! He couldn’t stop looking at a pair of kids, and his eyes had this spark… I just- I can’t lose him.” Your bottom lip was wobbling by the time you whispered the last part, and Amelia rushed quickly to your side to pull you in a tight hug.

“You’re not gonna lose him. Harry loves you with his whole being. It’s just a tough time for you two now, that’s all.”

“But I don’t think I want to have a baby at this moment! Or in a few months. He’s- he is gonna break up with me!” You sobbed in her chest.

“Hey, hey, shhh. Harry is not gonna break up with you. I can promise you that.” She gave you a small supportive smile. “C’mon, let’s get on the couch, and you’ll tell me more. Do you want a muffin? It doesn’t seem like you really like your oatmeal.“

A moment later, you found yourself curled in the corner of your couch with a chocolate muffin in hand and a cup of chamomile tea on the coffee table, the steam curling in the air. Amelia was sitting next to you with a pillow in her lap and a cup of coffee that she made for herself in her hands.

You met your best friend through Harry. She was a few years younger than him but still closer to his age than you were. They’ve been friends for ages. He met her during his first solo tour, and ever since then they stayed friends. She was one of the first people Harry introduced you to, trusting her with his whole heart with something so delicate like meeting his girlfriend he was completely whipped for.

You hit it off immediately. With similar hobbies and obsessions, the friendship was born quickly and with each meeting bloomed more and more. You could trust her with your deepest secrets, gossip about boyfriends or enjoy quiet moments over a cup of tea.

“I’m just scared.” You whispered after a minute of silence.

“I know.” Amelia nodded in understanding and took a sip of her black coffee. Even this reminded you of Harry. He bought the coffee beans Amelia used in a local brewery, and the smell that now lingered in the air kept the memories heavy.

“It's not only about the baby. It’s everything that comes with it. Marriage, probably a new house, our careers… Hell, sometimes I can barely take care of myself, what would I do with a baby, Amelia?”

“I thought you wanted to marry Harry.”

“No, no, I do. I really do. There isn’t anything I would want more.”

“See? That’s good! One less thing to worry about.” Amelia smiled and gave your hand a supportive squeeze.

“It’s just- this decision about having a baby is now on me. I have to make it. I have the last word. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the one who decides our future for both of us.” You let out a long sigh full of frustration and pent-up emotions. “Because if I say no, our relationship will most likely end. And if I say yes, I’m afraid I will say it just to make Harry happy, and it won’t be something I want. I wish I could be just as excited as he is.”

“Then you have to tell Harry this. How it makes you feel. Did you have a conversation like this before he left?”

“Not really.”

“Then when he comes back, you both have to sit down and talk about every single worry or expectation. Whatever you feel, you have to tell him.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to have kids with Harry. But not now.” You turned a bit in your seat to get more comfortable but whimpered when a searing pain struck up in your chest. “Ouch!”

“Are you okay? What hurts?” Amelia immediately reached out to help you.

“Just my boobs. I should’ve gotten my period a few days ago.” You huffed out and tugged at the fabric of your hoodie to give your breasts some space to breathe.

“Mhm, you could definitely be late from the stress.” Your best friend nodded.

Amelia started visiting you every so often to check on how you were doing. She stopped by in the mornings with your favourite coffee order and visited in the evenings with a bag of takeout. Because besides feeling miserable physically, your mental health was just a step away from a full-on breakdown. You happened to be more exhausted, sad, and on top of it, even nauseous.

“Hey sweetheart.” Harry’s raspy baritone echoed from the reproductor of your phone one night. You hadn’t heard from him in two weeks, and suddenly you were on a call in the late evening.

“Harry” Your voice shook as you whispered his name. It brought tears to your eyes immediately.

“How are you doing, love? Amelia told me you’re not feeling your best.” Harry asked you softly. He didn’t want to push you into any conversation you weren’t ready to have yet. He was seriously concerned about your health after all the messages he exchanged with your friend.

“Amelia called you?”

“Yeah. She is worried about you. And I’m as well. Do you eat enough? And drink water? She told me you haven’t been at work yet.”

“I’m working from home.” You whispered. “I’m alright. Sort of.”

“Sort of isn’t enough.” You could see in front of your eyes how Harry shook his head and frowned as he used to when he was scolding you. The protective side of him only strengthened when it came to you.

“I’m sad.” You admitted finally.

“I know, love. It’s not easy for me either. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Harry.” It wasn’t okay. You weren’t okay. But you didn’t want to make it worse for either of you. You and Harry were on a break.

Harry wasn’t feeling much better than you, excluding the soreness of his chest. If anything hurt, it was his heart that longed after you and his feet that hurt from all the walking he spent all of his time with.

His sleep schedule barely existed, and his appetite was low. He walked miles around the small village where his summer house was and further away, spending his time thinking, looking at every thought from all possible angles just to find the best way to get out of the spiral you both were stuck in. He didn’t want to lose you. He couldn’t. Nothing worked to clear his mind, no matter how far he went, how much he swam in the cold waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea until he didn’t feel his fingers, or how many pages of his notebook he covered with heartbroken lyrics. His mind went to the thought of texting you so many times. He missed you so much it hurt. You never were apart for that long. But every message he started to type seemed weird, or cliché, or bothering, and he deleted it before he could change his mind.

Just when he gathered all his courage and his thumb hovered over the blue ‘send’ button, after one of the many sleepless nights, his phone started to ring. Soft tones of an old romantic song he had saved as a ringtone only for your phone number echoed off the walls of the bedroom painted in a light beige and it hit him straight in his chest. Harry picked up the call without a second thought.

“H-Hi,” You whimpered, trying to sound normal despite the lump forming in your throat and the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Sweetheart,” Harry breathed out, not believing he was hearing your voice all of a sudden. It’s been two weeks since the last call. “Why are you up this early? It’s almost six in the morning. Is everything alright?” He knew you hated waking up early. You were more of a night owl than an early bird.

“Yeah, I- uh, I woke up like an hour ago and then couldn’t fall asleep again,” You whispered. “Can- can you come back please?

“I don’t know, love,” He let out a long sigh. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to see you. He did. He just didn’t have everything sorted out yet. There was still so much on his mind.

“Please, I- I really need you. I cannot be alone anymore. Not right now.” You sniffled, finally letting down the ‘tough girl’ mask. Hearing you like this was breaking his heart. And the last straw.

“Okay, okay, I’ll come. I know you haven’t been feeling your best. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“I- I’m okay, I just need you. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby. So much. Do you still have the mix of herbs that helped you sleep?”

“I think so.”

“Okay, go make yourself that tea and go back to bed. I’ll try to come as soon as possible.” Harry murmured.

He was already on his feet, and with a phone stuck between his shoulder and his cheek, he was walking fast from one side of the room to the other, collecting back everything he brought to Italy from home and throwing it in the bags. And before he ended the call with an “I love you,” he was already out of the house and with the earliest flight booked.

Harry arrived at the airport barely hanging on his last breath and snuck through the crowds of people discreetly hidden under a cap and black sunglasses. He was standing in the fast-track lane, just a few minutes away from boarding the plane, when a notification from the Health app you and Harry shared lit up his display.

His eyes ticked a few times between the text written in white and the date at the top of the screen until the realisation hit him. You were over a week late.

When it came to writing down things such as period dates, symptoms, sexual activity or even the smallest headaches, you were very conscientious. Getting this notification was something so unlike you.

Did you just forget to log in on the first day of your period? It could’ve been possible from the foggy mind.

Was that the reason why he was coming back home so suddenly? Because you had health issues you didn’t want to discuss on the phone?

Or were you pregnant? Harry realised it days later he didn’t use a condom the last time you had sex. And before you had risky sex here and there, and quite often, but trusting the ‘pull-out method’ was just as reckless.

Harry arrived back at your apartment six hours later. You were still asleep, cuddled in his hoodie and still in the same grey sheets he had changed before he left for Italy. Your hair was a mess, and with puffy eyes from crying, you looked so fragile. There were half-eaten crackers on the bedside table, you ate at least something, and a mug with a water-soaked tea bag inside.

Harry set the bags down by the bedroom door and light on his feet walked into the bathroom to wash his hands and pee quickly before he would sneak next to you in bed.

The door to the ensuite bathroom was ajar, and light was coming from the inside. Harry didn’t think much of it and finally went to relieve himself after the 3-hour-long flight, but when he turned to wash his hands and splash a bit of cold water on his face as well, his body went still.

Two pregnancy tests were lying on the counter by the sink, one in a paper form and the other in digital, but both of them were showing the same result.

You were pregnant.

Harry’s heart stopped, his breath hitched, and his eyes filled with tears immediately. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He reached for the digital test with shaky hands and wrapped his fingers around the plastic stick tightly, reading the word ‘pregnant’ over and over again, letter by letter, trying to wrap his head around it.

Everything made sense so suddenly. All the updates from Amelia he was receiving in the evenings, how exhausted you were, so sore and nauseous without appetite. It was in front of his eyes this whole time.

He couldn’t believe it. You were having a baby. His baby. Together. He felt like he could combust from joy. He was overflowing with happiness and excitement, and his body was buzzing. His legs gave out soon, and he slid down the wooden doors of the counter onto the cold tiled floor, the evidence of pregnancy clutched to his heart, and fell into a fit of quiet sobs.

But deep down, joy was fighting with fear. Not really about the baby, but rather about your reaction. How you felt about the unexpected turn in life, how it would change your relationship. He knew you didn’t wish for this at the moment.

Harry wasn’t sure how long he'd spent in the bathroom, sitting with his tears and thoughts, but finally he got up, left the test where he'd found it, turned the lights off, and went to wake you up.

“Baby,” Harry whispered, his voice hoarse from the breakdown he had in the bathroom. He was sitting at the edge of the bed and rubbing your back soothingly, wanting to wake you up in the most careful way possible. You were sleeping on your stomach. You loved this position, cuddled to most likely his pillow. It didn’t smell like him because it was washed, but just the memory that it was his made you hold on to it tightly. “I’m here.”

“Harry?” You blinked your eyes open, and when you saw him sitting near you, your eyes filled up with tears almost immediately, and despite being tangled in the bedsheets, you crawled into his arms.

“Shhhh, it’s okay, it's okay, I’m here.” He pulled you properly into his lap and started rocking you from side to side like a baby. “Let it out, cry as much as you need, just don't forget to breathe, love. I’m right here with you.”

Your sniffles subsided after a few minutes, and you looked up at him with teary eyes. “You actually came.”

“Of course. Couldn't stand being away from you for this long.”

“I hated it.”

“I did too. But it was for the best.” Harry gently ran his fingers through your hair that was stuck on your forehead and tugged them behind your ear.

There was a moment of silence, only your breathing and Harry's heart beating steadily under your ear reminded you that the moment was real and moving.

“I have to show you something.” A reluctant sigh left your lips. You really didn’t want to deal with it, not now when Harry was there, and you were in his lap, but you started slowly pulling away from his arms anyway, knowing this was something you couldn't postpone any longer. Just the few hours were enough. Harry tightened his grip around you, though and pulled you back into his chest.

“I know. I- I’ve already seen the test in the bathroom.” Harry whispered, trying his hardest not to start crying again. He had to be strong for you.

“You did?” You whimpered in shock, not realising you forgot it there.

“Yeah. Saw the test when I went to take a wee. And I also got a notification about your period when I was at the airport. Gave me an idea,” Harry smiled softly. “How are you feeling? And I want the real answer, no sugarcoating just for my sake.”

“I- I don’t know…. I cried a lot,” You said quietly. You felt so nervous you started picking at Harry’s hoodie, doing anything to occupy your trembling hands, and your heart started beating fast again. “I’m shocked, I guess?”

“Makes sense.” Harry nodded in understanding. “It is indeed a shock. I kind of broke down when I saw the test. I’m surprised I didn’t wake you up with my wailing.”

Harry’s words made the corners of your mouth turn up slightly.

“Do you want to keep the baby?” Harry asked finally. His voice was sad, disappointed, as if he was already counting on the opposite of his wishes.

“What?”

“Do you want to keep it? I mean, it’s your body. I cannot force you into anything, nor this, and if having a baby, our baby, is not something you want… I will understand that.”

“Harry…” You whimpered, “I- I don’t think I’m ready for this.”

“That’s okay, I get it, I really do. I don’t think I would be ready myself at twenty-three, you’re still so young-“

“Harry, let me finish,” You huffed at his sad rambling and squeezed his forearm to make him look at you. Your patience was running out. “I would never do this to you. I would never forgive myself if I did.”

“Wait- wait, what?” Harry blinked a few times, not sure what you meant.

“I am keeping it. We are.” You tried to smile, but your bottom lip wobbled, and you began to cry again. You were overwhelmed. Or maybe under the spell of pregnancy hormones already.

“We are having a baby?” He whispered before he pulled you back into his chest tightly. He ran his hands over your back in soothing patterns, trying to calm the sobs that shook your whole body.

“I guess so,” You nodded between hiccups and buried your face in his neck.

“Oh my god, we’re having a baby,” Harry whispered. Tears were falling heavily down his cheek, not waiting for permission, but his smile was wide. He was grinning like a madman, his grip on you was tight, and soon he was pulling you down on the bed to cuddle you properly.

You were a puddle of weak limbs and tears in the sheets together. Your body was still shaking with sobs atop Harry's, and he was trying to calm your nervous system down with soft kisses on your forehead and gentle rubs everywhere else. Inside, he was bursting with joy, but he knew he would have more time to celebrate later. Calming you down was his number one priority. “It’s okay, love, it’s okay. I know it’s a lot to take in.”

“I don’t know how to take care of a baby.” You finally said, sniffling in Harry’s hoodie. It scared you. No. You were terrified. But you couldn’t give up on the baby. Not when it was Harry’s biggest wish. And yours too, just in a different timeline.

“I don’t know either.” Harry smiled at you softly and ran his thumb under your eye, wiping away more tears. “But we’ll learn everything. Together. We have my mom, Gemma and Michael, your family, our friends…. They will help us if we get lost.”

“I’m scared.”

“That’s okay. You know, maybe I really want a mini you or mini me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared too.”

“It’s happening so fast, Harry. I don’t know anything, I’m gonna ruin their life!” You hiccup.

“Shhhh, love, you’re forgetting something. We still have time. The baby is just a teeny tiny bean now. And as they will grow, we will as well. I’ll buy us the pregnancy books, do some research online, and we can take prenatal classes… We have nine months till they’re born.”

“How can you be so sure? What if there will be some complications?” You pouted.

Harry only chuckled at your worry and cupped your cheek gently. He learned the hard way that sometimes it was better not to argue with you.

“You’re right, I cannot know this. But if they come sooner, it’s gonna be only because they couldn’t wait to meet their mumma. And if later? Well, your tummy must be the comfiest place for them, there cannot be any discussion about that.”

“You’re so annoying,” You sniffled, but the corners of your mouth tugged upwards just a tiny bit, though Harry caught a glimpse of it.

“Oh I know, very annoying.”

“Can you uh, can you give me time to umh process this?”

“Yeah, of course.” Harry pressed a soft kiss to your hairline before he rested his cheek there. “We can celebrate properly whenever you feel ready.”

Later that day, when you both were after dinner and showered, Harry was moving around the bedroom with a certain lightness in his step and putting away his things from his two bags. Some clothes went straight in the hamper, others on the hangers.

“What were you doing in Italy?” You murmured from your place in bed, dressed in a fresher pair of pyjamas than the ones you basically lived in for the past few days, and snuggled under the sheets. The tears had dried on your face, but your bottom lip still wobbled occasionally when you thought too hard about what was happening. Good Harry noticed it before you fell into another breakdown and moved your attention to something else.

“I walked a lot, maybe too much,” Harry chuckled at the memory of his long daily walks. “Swam, tried to write something, hung out with Antonio. It’s a shame you cannot drink now, he gave me some great Frascati wine his son brought him.”

“Do you have some photos?”

“Oh yeah, check out my phone.” Harry nodded towards his bedside table where his phone had been since he arrived.

You typed in his password, your birthdate, and opened the Photos app. You looked at the newest first, swiping your way slowly back to the photos from the start of your break.

There were many landscape photos, close-ups of flowers, photos of the empty beaches, and a few scribbled lyrics and chords in his notebook. You pressed play on one of the videos and turned the volume up, listening to the sound of loudly crashing waves in front of the canvas of a sunrise. Then you played a video of Harry’s feet in his old white Vans sneakers walking for about ten seconds, sand and stones crunching with each step, and you chuckled at the simplicity of it. A selfie with the Colosseum appeared next, Harry was smiling in the camera, but the joy didn’t reach his eyes.

“You cried.” You whispered when you scrolled past another selfie, this time where Harry was crying. His eyes were blood-rimmed, cheeks wet, and his hair tousled as if he ran his fingers through it too many times, which he often did in distress.

“Of course I did. I missed you. And I was worried about you. I had Amelia updating me on how you’ve been.” Harry came to you from the walk-in closet and sat down on the edge of the bed next to you, setting the plain white shirt in his lap. His hand found your hip, and he rubbed it gently through the fabric of the bedsheet.

“Really?” You whispered in surprise. You turned on your back to face Harry better, making his hand slide on your stomach, but neither of you acknowledged it.

“Yeah.” He smiled softly and found your hand instead, lacing your fingers in a gentle grip. “I felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t want to text you because we both needed some time alone, but… when Amelia texted me that you weren’t doing great either, I asked her to give me an update from time to time.”

“She was with me a lot.”

“I know. I asked her to.”

“Harry!” You let out a quiet laugh.

“What? I care about you.” He shrugged as if this wasn’t a big deal and leaned slightly forward to cup your cheek. “And I love you so much. I hate that you were struggling because of me.”

“I love you too.” Your voice wasn’t louder than above a whisper, but Harry heard those four words clearly.

“We’ll be alright, even if you don’t feel like it yet.”

“I’m sorry I’m making it so hard for you.”

“Uh-huh, nonsense.” Harry shook his head and pulled you in for a kiss to silence you because he caught how you were opening your mouth to say more. “Don’t wanna hear anything like that ever again. You’re not making it hard. You’re just human.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re wearing the ring…” Harry pointed out quietly when he focused on the cold metal on your right hand pressing against his skin.

“Yeah, I– I hope that it’s okay.” You whispered shyly and looked where Harry was already looking. Your birthstones contrasted with the golden metal perfectly and shone every time light hit their surface.

“Of course it’s okay, love. I just might put it on your left ring finger soon.” Harry’s smile widened at his innuendo, and he squeezed your hand, making the corners of your mouth tug up a little as well.

Days went by, and you started slowly settling into the new reality of parents-to-be. You still weren’t feeling your best and lived with the information of expecting a baby rather in parallel than embracing it completely. Harry did his absolute best to give you the highest comfort possible, took care of your cravings, and massaged any place that hurt. Having him back brought you a little more energy. You found routine again in snuggling on the couch with a rom-com and ice cream and skincare before bed, the little familiar things that made your life better. Harry didn’t talk about the pregnancy or the baby more than was necessary. He didn't mention anything about it besides you feeling better after you threw up your dinner in the morning and if your limbs ached less than the day before.

You left the comfort of your apartment for the first time since Harry left in Italy for the OB/GYN visit. Your leg bounced nervously as you sat in the waiting room with the other two couples who were expecting and felt ashamed of yourself for not wearing the same bright smile as they did.

“Hello, what is bringing you here today?” Dr Williams smiled brightly at the two of you and stood up to shake your hands.

“I uh, I’ve been very tired and sore, my period is late, and I did two pregnancy tests and both came out positive.”

“These are textbook pregnancy symptoms. Let’s take a look at what we have here, shall we?” Your doctor smiled brightly and picked up the ultrasound wand in his hand after he rubbed cold gel on your stomach. Harry was standing by your side, your hand tightly squeezing his until your knuckles turned white, both of your eyes focused on the screen.

“Congratulations, you’re pregnant! According to the tests we ran and the ultrasound, you are 7 weeks along!” He smiled brightly and pointed at a bean-like shape on the screen. “This over here, that is your baby.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, and you turned your head towards Harry, who was already sobbing. Reality hit you like a truck. Because now it was official. An ultrasound scan, a due date, a steady heartbeat.

“Shhhh love, it’s okay, we’re okay,” Harry wrapped his arm around your shoulders as much as your position allowed it and pressed a kiss in your hair. Sentences like “we’re gonna be parents” or “look at our baby” were on the tip of his tongue, but he held back. You were already overwhelmed enough.

“How are you feeling, love?” Harry asked you finally when you were standing in front of the hospital building. Wind was playing with your hair, and the sun peeking from behind the clouds made your face shine like he hadn't seen it in what felt like ages. He gently wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you to his chest, watching your face for any signs of tears or a smile he was praying for every day.

“Tired… but I’m trying to be okay. It’s just- now it’s really official. I’m pregnant.” You said the two words for the first time, and you could've felt your heartbeat speeding up at the thought. You looked down between your bodies, your stomach was still flat, but now it was hiding a life.

“Mhm, you’re so brave, you know that? I’m so proud of you.” He pulled you in a hug.

“It’s gonna be only better, sweetheart, I promise. Morning sickness should end soon, the exhaustion as well, and before you know it, you’ll start feeling better there as well.” Harry pressed his palm over your heart gently, feeling the unsteady heart thumping under his palm. “I love you so much. Both of you.”

“I love you too. I’m– I’m really trying–” You hiccuped quietly in the safety of his strong arms.

“I know, baby, I know. And you are so strong. Still not changing your mind?” Harry had to ask again. He would rather live with the loss of an early dream than make you suffer through something you despised.

“I won’t change my mind.” You shook your head quickly and gave Harry a wobbly smile. You were really trying. You appreciated his care and willingness, but even despite your fear, you were sure about this.

“Thank you.” Harry smiled, showing off his bunny teeth, and slid his hand down your stomach. And you let him.

“I’m gonna be a dad, Gem.” Harry announced proudly to his sister after a few minutes on a FaceTime call with her when you went to take a shower in the evening.

“What- wait… what? Didn’t you- whose kid did you steal, Harry?”

Harry laughed at her question. Shock was written all over her face, and he couldn’t help but grin. “I know it’s very unexpected, but… we’re having a baby.”

His sister knew about everything that had been happening between the two of you. Anytime something felt heavy on Harry’s mind, he came to Gemma. She was his best friend, his shoulder to lean on, and he couldn’t be more grateful for her.

“That’s- that’s amazing, Harry!” His sister’s eyes turned shiny, and she covered her mouth to mute a sob. She knew how much Harry wanted to be a dad and now it was finally happening. She felt overwhelming joy for her little brother. He was a wonderful uncle to his niece and she was sure he would be an even better father for his own child.

“Thanks, Gemma.”

“How is she?” She asked carefully.

“It’s… hard. She has morning sickness and is very exhausted, but it’s rather taking a toll on her mental health. She’s trying to be okay, I just- I hate that she hates it and is suffering like this for my sake. She didn’t even think about interruption, she just- she’s fighting for me… for us.”

“She doesn’t hate it, Harry.” Gemma shook her head immediately in disapproval. “She’s just scared. You two had a break because of exactly that, and now suddenly it’s happening. It’s a big shock. And as you said, she’s fighting for it. She’ll come around, just give her time.”

“I guess you’re right. I only wish she would be excited about it like I am. I want her to feel joy, not sadness.” He sighed and looked out of the window for a moment. The street under the apartment building was busy with life. An old married couple was on a walk, a girl in a neon pink set was preparing for a marathon, but what really caught his eye was a pair of parents who were calming down a baby that couldn’t be older than a few weeks. The exact picture of your life in a few months.

“Do you want me to talk to her? Maybe I could come over, I haven’t been at your place in ages anyway.”

“That would be lovely. She’s isolating herself a lot. I would love for her to have more social contact. Amelia has been around when I wasn’t, even now, but I’m afraid it’s not enough. I don’t want her to fall into depression.”

“Harry, she’s so lucky to have you. Both she and the baby. I’ll text you and stop by soon.”

An afternoon with Gemma really helped you. Talking to someone who went through the pregnancy and now was raising a child of her own made you feel better. It felt safe sharing your fears and feelings with her. About the baby, your relationship with Harry, or the so scary future. And with Harry’s two-year-old niece in your lap, you felt that maybe you could really be okay.

Harry was over the moon having Gemma and her little girl over. He was hardly hiding his excitement and even harder hid his attempts at taking photos of the three of you on the couch. He had his phone in the angle that definitely didn’t scream ‘I am texting with someone’ and you stuck out your tongue at him when you noticed, making his cheeks grow warmer.

“My girls.” He sighed dreamily and plopped down next to you, resting his head against your shoulder as he looked down at his niece propped up against your chest.

“She’s adorable.” You ran your fingers through her dark hair, the same ones Harry and Gemma shared.

“She is. But you’ve been hogging her all to yourself today. It’s time for uncle Harry now!”

You carefully wrapped your fingers around the little girl's torso and pulled her up in the air, making her squeak, before Harry cradled her against his chest with the widest smile. “I know your aunt is big fun, but I haven’t even had time to give you a kiss.”

Harry started pressing kisses all over her face, listening to her loud giggle, “Harry!” as her arms flew around when he blew raspberries on her cheek.

“He’s gonna be an amazing dad,” Gemma murmured, her smile matching Harry’s, and reached over to rub your arm.

“What would you like them to be?” You asked after you swallowed a spoonful of 0% fat Greek yoghurt, the baby at four months didn’t like any other.

Harry almost choked on his tea at your question. It was the first time you spoke to him openly about pregnancy. He wiped his mouth the droplets that escaped his lips with the back of his hand , and set his mug down.

“Healthy. And preferably with ten fingers both on hands and feet.” He grinned.

“Harry, you know what I meant.” You rolled your eyes at his teasing, but he could clearly see you were just feigning the annoyance.

“I don’t really care, love. Just want them to be healthy and happy. They already won in life. They hey have you as their mumma.” Harry reached out and took your hand in his, rubbing your knuckles with his thumb. “But mini you would be adorable. I cannot lie about that.”

The corners of your mouth turned up slightly, and Harry immediately gasped at the tiniest sign of a smile, pulling you in for a kiss. “I saw that!”

“Shut up!” Your cheeks turned a warm colour in embarrassment, your eyes fluttered, and you hid your face in his neck.

“I’m not saying anything.” Harry pulled you into his arms and hugged you tightly.

“But you have this weird look.”

“I’m just very happy, sweetheart.”

“I’m happy that you are happy.” You peeked up at him from his shoulder. Harry indeed looked happy. Radiant. He still couldn’t believe he was having a baby with the love of his life.

You started feeling better and had more energy. You felt more normal, still not overly excited about the baby, but now you were at least accepting it. And that was a big step for you. Your bump started showing, your boobs grew bigger, and Harry was thriving at the sight. You stopped to mind the moments when he snuck his arm around your waist or when he rubbed your stomach in bed, spooning you from behind.

“As I should be, my girl is doing so good.” He leaned down to peck your lips. “How was it at work today? You were shining when you got home.”

“It was good.” You nodded and pulled back to reach for your bowl with yoghurt, smiling around the spoon. “They are gonna let me work from home even more and my place there is safe.”

“And you’ve waited with this amazing news till now?” Harry breathed out a laugh, loud coming from his belly, and without care, pulled you in for a messy kiss full of yoghurt and giggles. “You minx. This is amazing, love!”

When you woke up in the morning, something felt weird. It wasn't morning sickness. That was long gone, and by now it would’ve forced you out of bed. Nor an uncomfortable position that you found yourself in. You felt sharp pain in the lower belly that made you sit up immediately with a quiet whine. You tried to move around, thinking it was just an innocent cramp, but when the pain didn’t go away even after standing up from the bed, you started panicking.

Harry wasn’t home. He woke up early to run errands, and then he had a work meeting with the label that he had planned for a month. You didn’t want to bother him. He would be scared and panic, and most likely bolt out of the restaurant where the meeting was held. You couldn’t expect Harry to be there 24/7. You had to take care of the baby and yourself as well.

The pain scared you, but even more scared you was the thought of something happening to the baby. You were close to ending the second trimester, both you and the baby healthy. There weren’t supposed to be any troubles besides weird food combinations you craved at midnight and mood swings, both of which Harry was taking care of like the doting boyfriend he was.

When the pain didn’t stop even after breakfast and walking seemed suddenly more difficult, you rushed to the hospital in the first shirt and pants you found, with tears already pooling in your eyes and clutching at your bump both from pain and fear.

“Hello there,” Dr Williams welcomed you with a warm smile in his office and helped you sit up in the examination chair. “The nurse informed me that you came in because of sudden lower abdominal pain. Is that right? How are you holding up?”

“Mhm. I felt sharp pain there,” You sobbed and rubbed your hands over the sides of your bump and abdomen, “and it scared me that- that something could’ve happened to the baby.”

“Take a few deep breaths for me, miss, everything is alright, okay?” Dr Williams did a breathing exercise with you until you calmed down enough to explain to him what was happening without hiccuping after every second word.

“Let’s take a look at the baby, but from what you’re describing it seems like classic round ligament pain. Completely harmless for them.”

You numbly nodded and pulled your tank-top under your breasts as well as the hem of your pants lower on your hips. The gel was cold, and goosebumps covered your skin, your focus was all over the place, but you still tried to pay attention to Dr Williams as he started with the ultrasound and explained everything to you.

“I can assure you that both of you are okay. We’ve got a very active little one in there with all the right measurements and steady heartbeat. Both of your vitals are perfect too. Do you want to know the gender?

“What?“ You whimpered in shock.

“We have a very clear view of everything today. Do you want to know if you’re having a boy or a girl?” Dr Williams said, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

You had your routine checkup two weeks ago when you reached five months. It was about the time to find out the the gender, but the baby was turned at an angle in which it was impossible to see anything. And now you could find out. It felt monumental with all the scares and sudden feelings that have been settling in your chest since the morning.

“Yeah, yeah, I would like to know.” You nodded. Tears were still crinkling in the corners of your eyes, but this time you were smiling as well.

Dr Williams shifted the angle of the wand and tapped a few keys on the keyboard to freeze the frame, and zoomed in.

“See the lines here? This is a classic marker…” He pointed his finger at the centre of the screen with a knowing smile. “Congratulations, you’re having a little girl.”

“A girl?” You whimpered, more tears already falling down your cheeks.

“Yes, a healthy little girl. You don’t have to worry, you and the baby are in a perfect condition.”

Dr Williams printed you the ultrasound photos, one of them showing the obvious signs of the gender, and gave you more helpful information about the abdominal pain you felt today. You were leaving the hospital relieved and with a small feeling of joy bubbling deep inside that after months felt foreign.

“Oh my god, love, are you okay? I came home and you weren’t here, and you weren’t answering my calls. Where were you?” Harry opened the front door, hearing the jingle of your keys, before you could even put them in the keyhole. He wrapped his arms around your body with a tight grip, yet careful around your bump.

“I’m okay, Harry. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you. I had my phone on ‘do not disturb’ mode.” You leaned into his chest and gently rubbed his arm to calm him down. “I was in a hospital.”

“Did we have an appointment today?” His eyebrows furrowed in honest confusion, and he slid his palms down to cup your bump over the fabric of your top.

“No, no, uh, I felt weird pain this morning and wanted to be sure it wasn’t anything bad…”

“Why didn’t you call me, sweetheart?”

“You had the meeting. And I didn’t want to bother you. I’m really okay, I promise.”

“Bothering me? Oh, love…. You could never bother me. I need to know that you and the baby are okay.” Harry shook his head, not mad at you, just his overprotective side showing off. “Next time you have to call me, or at least text me what is happening, yeah?”

“Okay, sorry,” You nodded with a small pout, feeling bad for worrying your boyfriend this much.

“It’s okay, my love. I’m happy you’re feeling good now.” He smiled and pulled you back in for a hug.

“Was the meeting good?”

“Very good. They were asking about you.”

You used to join Harry at the work meetings, usually with Harry Lambert or Kid Harpoon, everyone loving the creative ideas you would bring to the table.

“Still want to go on the trip? Or do you want to rest? You had quite an adventurous morning.” Harry pecked the corner of your mouth and slowly led you back inside the apartment.

“What trip?”

“The trip to the beach we talked about.”

You planned that trip a few days ago when you had one of your better moments. You loved to go to the beach, and when Italy wasn’t an option, the waters surrounding the British Islands were. It completely slipped out of your mind.

“We can go. I just need to change and pack my bag.” You smiled at Harry.

“Fine with me. Though you’re rocking this outfit.” Harry grinned at you when he took in what you were wearing. A grey tank-top from the day before that had a small stain at the hem and black pants that were Harry’s, and you hadn’t noticed until now.

“This isn’t funny.” You huffed, moving further into the apartment, with Harry trailing behind you like a lost puppy and telling you about the content of the meeting.

You arrived at your destination two hours later. Changed into a pair of pants that belonged to you now and a clean top with embroidered flowers that stretched around your belly, you walked hand in hand on the sandy beach. San was stuck between your toes, the sun was shining brightly above your heads, making your freckles stand out in the light, and you were laughing loudly at a joke Harry said. It felt like the old times when it was just the two of you a few months into the relationship, and holding hands felt sacred. But now there was one more person with you.

“Sweetheart?” Harry murmured when you reached the end of an empty pier, and you were left admiring the water and the seabirds flying around.

“Mhm?” You pulled away from the railing of the pier and turned around only to find Harry down on one knee. Your jaw dropped immediately, eyes filled with tears, and your hands flew up to cover your mouth.

“My love, I- I rehearsed this so many times in my head, but now I’m at a loss for words.” Harry chuckled through his tears, making you reach out your right hand to cup his cheek.The engagement ring he left at your bedside table before he left to Italy was cold against his sunkissed skin.

“I love you so much. I’ve never doubted that you would be the one I would want to spend forever with. The month without you was the worst decision of my life, and I’ve never felt worse. I felt so lost. Because you are giving my life meaning. The right direction. And I never again want to be without my best friend, my lover, the mother of my child-“

“Harry!” You gasped suddenly, your hands flying down to your bump and clutching it tightly.

“What- love, what? Are you okay? What hurts?” Harry was back on his feet in the blink of an eye, covering your hands on the bump with his.

“She kicked!” You laughed through your tears and massaged the spot where you just felt the movement.

“She kicked? Our baby just kicked you? What- Oh my god, love!” Harry gasped, trapping you in the tightest hug ever, one arm around your shoulders cradling you close and the other on your stomach. “Wait- she?”

“Yeah, she.” You chuckled, wiping your tears away with your free hand.

“We are having a girl?” Now it was Harry’s jaw that dropped and you couldn’t help yourself but giggle at his shocked expression.

“We are having a girl.”

“Fuck, love.” Harry cried, cradling you back against him.

“I want to marry you, Harry.” You whispered, suddenly remembering the special moment your daughter had interrupted with her own, and you couldn’t be happier about the collision of surprises. Happiness hasn’t seemed so foreign anymore.

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