âI donât want to go out if youâre mad at me.â You mumbled, sitting on the edge of the bed, your hands clasped in your lap.
âWell, then donât fucking come with me.â Ashton grabbed his shirt from the floor, shrugging it over his shoulders and proceeding to struggle to button the shirt with shaking hands.
âI just think we should talk about this-â
âI donât have time to talk about this, Y/N!â Ashtonâs voice was hard, his tone cold and distant. âI have to leave. Itâs work, I canât just not show up at a party that is meant for my band.â
âI know that, I just-â you shook your head, swallowing hard, refusing to cry in front of him. âI really think we need to talk about this, Ashton.â
âNot now.â Ashton finally managed to finish buttoning his shirt, and his eyes glanced up at the clock on the bedroom wall. âIâm leaving now. You can stay if you want to, I donât care.â
 Everythingâs black, and you feel yourself panic because all you can feel is pain pain pain. Itâs as if this excruciating pain has taken over everything that you once were, as if it has grown fingers that have wrapped themselves around your throat, squeezing until every last breath has left you.
You canât feel your body or hear your thoughts or feel anything besides the pain as it rips you apart until all that is left is the unbearable agony.
Everything is just a blur of a black space filled with nothing and pain so strong it makes torture sound like a dream.
Ashton walked ahead of you, his jaw clenched and his hands showed down the pocket of his jeans. You hurried to keep up, not wanting to lose sight of him but at the same time wanting to keep your distance.
The screaming fight from earlier that day still echoed through your mind, the harsh words like raw wounds that still ached. You and Ashton had been together for years, so of course, there had been fights before between the two of you. But nothing to the extreme of this particular fight. Ashton was always very careful to think before he spoke and to stay calm. He had done none of those things that night.
The moment you arrived at the party Ashton transformed. His charming smile tugged at his lips, his sweet dimples showing as he greeted friends and family and coworkers. Ashton was professional, and you had not expected anything else from him, but to you who knew him better than anyone, it was clear in the way that his smile never quite reached his hazel eyes that something was wrong.
The boys, being the only ones who perhaps knew him slightly better than you, also noticed, of course. Calum greeted you at the door, wrapping you up in a warm hug, whispering in your ear when you came close enough. âIs he okay?â
âWe just had a stupid fight.â You shook your head, hoping your smile seemed genuine enough for Calum to not suspect anything. âHeâs fine.â
Calum glanced back at his best friend, who now had an arm slung around John Feldyâs shoulder, a cup of some alcoholic beverage already in his hand. Calum locked eyes with you again. âAnd you? Are you okay?â
You swallowed down the lump that throbbed in your throat. âYes. Of course. Iâm just a bit tired from work, thatâs all.â
 You felt your lungs burning, choking for air as the pain pushed down your throat.
The question of whether or not you are dead flashes through your mind. But living canât possibly feel like this, as if youâre detached from your body and all that is left of your being is the burning sensation of pain. If youâre not dead already that must be whatâs happening. Nothing but the idea that youâre currently slipping away from life makes any sense. You find yourself almost hoping that that is whatâs going on. That youâre dying. Because once youâre gone, the pain should disappear too, right?
âY/N!â warm fingers wrapped around your arm, stopping you on your way to the toilet. All of a sudden you were dragged into a conversation consisting of Ashton and his family. The person that held onto you was Ashtonâs younger sister, Lauren, who beamed happily at you. She wrapped you up in a sweet hug, a smile plastered across her face. âItâs been so long.â
You laughed softly, hugging her back. âItâs been too long.â
Lauren let you go before she turned to face her older brother, a scowl on her face. âWhy didnât you tell us Y/N was here? I thought she was at work or something. Iâd much rather spend my time with her than you.â
Ashton looked down at the drink in his hand, the muscles in his jaw clenched harshly as he thought of a reply. Finally, he looked up, and his hazel eyes were glossy. He was already a little drunk. âYouâre not attached to my hip, Lauren. You could have looked for her yourself.â
You felt your stomach turn. He was still furious.
âHow was your flight?â You asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from the possibility of blowing up. You knew his family had arrived to Los Angeles only the day before, which is why you hadnât had the chance to see them before the party.
Ashtonâs mom seemed to understand what you were doing, her eyes glanced between you and her son as if she knew. Which she probably did, as she knew the pair of you very well. And her son was usually never that cold to the girl he loved. âOh, you know, as usual. Way too long.â
 Thereâs a distant sound piercing through the pain. It sounds like a scream, like an agonized moan. You donât understand where itâs coming from, or where you are or why everything is black.
Itâs not until you choke for air again that you realize that your throat feels raw and that the sounds must be coming from you. And suddenly itâs as if youâve fumbled long enough in the dark without any control over yourself as your voice slams itself back into your body. Your own screams are now everywhere, filling your ears and making your throat ache as the pain hits you in another wave.
Thereâs a distant voice coming from somewhere, a familiar tone angrily demanding to be heard. Whatâs going on? But you canât hear the reply nor anything else as you scream yourself hoarse, moaning in agony.
You stumble through the darkness again, wanting to open your eyes so desperately to see who that voice belonged to, to see where you are and to find out whatâs going on.
The party with family members was long over, and left was only the band and their closest circle of friends and significant others. You found yourself at the back of some bar, everyone squeezed in together around a few tables. You felt your head throb. You did not want to be there. All you wanted was to go home, have a talk that would solve everything with Ashton so that you could finally fall asleep in his warm embrace.
But Ashton had other plans for the evening.
He was drunk. So hammered his smile had turn sloppy and his words slippery. His voice was loud and his giggles came out his mouth alongside hiccups.
As Ashton slipped away from what until that moment had been his permanent spot next to Luke during the entire evening you saw your chance. You excused yourself to the people you had tried to engage in yourself in a conversation with and headed for the bar where Ashton was standing, waiting for yet another drink.
You stopped once you reached his side, leaning your back against the bar. Ashton ignored you, turning his head slightly to the other side as if he couldnât bear to even look at you.
âI really donât think you should drink more tonight.â You mumbled as your eyes scanned the side of his face for a reaction.
He just snorted. âIâm a grown man, I think I can tell when I need to stop.â
âIt doesnât seem like it.â
âYou know, I donât need your judgement here tonight.â Ashtonâs words were a big slur as he finally turned his eyes to you. âWe are celebrating my success with my band, I can drink how much I fuckinâ want to.â
âItâs getting late, Ashton, and your family is coming over tomorrow.â You sighed, wanting more than anything to be patient with him. âI really think we should-â
âYou can leave whenever you want to. I donât care.â Ashton turned his attention to the bartender, grabbing hold of his new drink. âIâm not going anywhere.â
 The screaming eventually dies down to loud moans dripping with torment. The pain overwhelms you, and you feel like youâre going crazy.
Youâre slowly gaining back some kind of awareness of your body. And with it comes the realization that your entire body is on fire. You gasp, desperately wishing that the darkness could just swallow you again so that the pain in your head and your legs and your arms and your chest could disappear into the blur of non-specific pain it had just been.
The pain hits you like a punch, your mind going blank as you gasp. âIt hurts!â
Suddenly fingers are wrapped around one of your hands and you are vaguely aware of that familiar voice again. âY/N? Baby, youâre okay. Youâre okay.â
âNoâŠâ you gasp for air, feeling the panic roar to life in your stomach again. Is no one aware of how much pain youâre in? âIt hurts so much.â
Something â a hand? â strokes your hair, and more voices and sounds start to fill your ears. âI know baby, I know it hurts. Just try to breathe. Breathe for me, sweetheart and everything will be okay soon.â
âI canât-â a sob wells up from deep within your throat. âIt hurts.â
âTry to breathe, baby girl, please.â You can hear the person next to you moving around before the voice raises into a shout. âCan I please get a fucking doctor in here?â
Ashton stumbled outside, hiccupping as he grabbed onto Michael. âFuck man. I am so wasted.â
Michael just laughed, pushing his best friend away from him before he stumbled towards his own girlfriend. Everyone finally decided to leave the bar, to your relief. However, your hopes of heading home were quickly crushed when someone proposed an after-party at their place. Ashton, of course, cheered in agreement.
Ashton tried to walk forward, tripped over himself in the process and almost crushed his forehead against the building.
âAshton.â You sighed as you grabbed his arm in support. âI really think we should head home.â
âFuck off.â Ashton tore his arm away from yours. âIâm not goinâ anywhere with you.â
His harsh words seemed to take everyone by surprise as the drunk laughter amongst your friends died down. You felt the heat in your cheeks as everyoneâs eyes seemed to dart between you and Ashton.
âNo. I said Iâm not goinâ anywhere with you.â Ashton tried to take a step back, stumbling in the process. âYouâre a fuckinâ asshole of a girlfriend and I canât stand to even look at you right now.â
You felt your heart stop at his words, the tears welling up in your eyes. He had never said anything like that to you before.
âAshton, câmon man.â Calum, who seemed to be the most sober out of all the band members, stepped forward, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. âYou canât-â
âItâs fine, Calum.â You interrupted Calum before he had the chance to finish, your voice heavy from the lump in your throat. âItâs fine. Iâll just leave.â
âLet her fucking go, cal.â Ashton snorted, his usual soft voice so harsh and unfamiliar to your ears. âLet her storm off and make a scene. I donât fucking care as long as I donât need to look at her anymore.â
At that, you started to walk away, scared that your heart would crack if you had to hear another word falling from Ashtonâs lips. You ignored the shouts of your friends, the concern evident in their voices. Instead, you hurried down the streets, the tears falling down your cold cheeks as you headed to where you knew the car was parked. Your chest felt heavy and your eyes burned as the first sob escaped.
 Voices are everywhere, speaking of accidents and surgeries and pain medicines. You feel confused, not understanding whatâs going on around you.
Finally, finally, you tear your eyes open and the darkness disappears. Instead, youâre faced with a blurry reality, the light in the room harsh to your eyes as you try to figure out where you are.
âY/N? Baby? Can you hear me?â A face appears, and you feel your heart burst in your chest. âItâs me. Itâs Ashton. Iâm here, sweetheart, alright? Iâm here right by your side. Iâm not leaving you.â
You try to focus on his hazel eyes, your eyes going in and out of focus as the pain threatens to overwhelm you again, to pull you back into the darkness.
â-we need to get her back into surgery again.â A voice says, but you try to stay calm. Staring into Ashtonâs eyes as he squeezes your hand. âNow.â
And suddenly the bed is moving, and Ashtonâs hand is squeezing yours even harder, his voice breaking as he speaks. âListen, baby girl. Iâll be right here waiting for you when you come back. Donât you dare leave me, baby, alright? Donât you dare.â
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