Just like a mentally ill word vomit that means basically nothing
*I'm adding context here that may or may not be needed. While I can recognize this insane burn out at this stage in my life it didn't start here. I've always been some level of...worn out, but in November 2024 my (then 14) year old cat Cassie stopped being able to walk. From November 2024 to December 2025 I dealt with blow after blow after blow of major medical issues with multiple pets. It was non stop. Then we lost Eva super fucking suddenly in a super traumatic way, then even though Cassie was meant to be better she still had cancer and needed to start Chemo and I had to figure out so much money shit and yeah. So. It was over a year of chaos. Then February 2026 I got to foster Summer. She'll have been with us for 6 months in a week. While I'd do it all over again, the stress of constantly fighting with my mom and family, along with hyper vigilance overdrive keeping Summer and Marnie apart, and having to go out and parade Summer around and be more social then I've ever been, these past 6 months haven't been great either. Sometime in the past few months my mind just shattered. I wasn't super high functioning before but now I'm struggling with the smallest things.
Recently I challenged myself to take something off my mental plate without. I messaged my friend and said "Hey so the likelihood of me being able to fly to see you to go to the concert is super slim" and since then I haven't thought about it barely at all and it has been sooo mentally freeing. We still need to talk more about it but it isn't happening and I feel like I laid the ground work and so I can just stop agonizing over it.
Today I challenged myself to write out all of my daily whatevers and to eliminate something so I can have more breathing room. Except the only things I'm doing are basic needs (for myself, my sister, and my pets). So like. I can only cut from my own list, right? Cus I can't just say "Let's stop walking the dogs" or "Sister doesn't need a daily shower".
Here's my pretty sad list of things I do regularly that I'm trying to eliminate from: Shower, hair wash, brush teeth, make bed, attend therapy, keep bedroom/office/bathroom tidy. That's it. And the point of eliminating something would be so that I can do those exact things without as much of a struggle. Cus ya girls rooms are a mess. Hair is washed technically but it isn't done (I just threw it up wet whenever I last washed it and that's all it is). Bed isn't made but I will do it today. Teeth brushed is fine, therapy I've missed for a few weeks because of money. I already unloaded "feed the dogs" to my mom a week or so ago because I just couldn't do it anymore. Now she's gone for a few days and I'm like...shit I have to feed the dogs...
Like I just do not know what is wrong with me. I can't remember a time when it's been THIS bad. Maybe in college cus I was blacking out (aka sleeping all day every day). Like I've never been great but this?? Like I'm non functioning. And it's all such small things. I know they feel big to me and I'm not judging myself for it but like...I don't have anywhere to cut from cus I'm doing below the bare minimum.
I have a friend coming to visit the end of next week who is so kind and lovely and is like "hey we don't need to hang out if you don't want to, but I've booked a place and I'm still coming and it will be a solo trip if you mentally aren't able" WHICH IS SO FUCKING SWEET. So I can't/wont cut that. I had projects I wanted to finish for the kids before school started but I've cut those and am just trying to work on them as I'm able (which isn't a lot because my office and blah blah blah). I barely water my plants so I can't cut back on that at all, they're already putting up with enough of my bullshit...
The point is (blackmail) that I'd trying to be kind to myself and lessen the load so I can take a breath and try to find small ways to heal but I've already trimmed everything that I can and now I'm just like.....
I don't know dude, I'm tired
izzy806
titsay
jimmyeatworldofficial
prguitarman
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
