I must feel this pain, to heal this pain.

And it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

[furiousgoldfish]

“noo my parents didn’t abuse me! they just accidentally made me lose all my faith in myself and caused me to feel like a worthless failure who’s never gonna be good enough to survive, and they might have hit me but it might have been just once or twice so it doesn’t count, right? they just happen to worsen my anxiety and depression constantly but I’m sure they don’t mean it!! I’m sure they have no idea how much I’m suffering and I don’t want to throw such harsh words as “abuser” around because they might find out I said such a thing and get angry, and it generally doesn’t end well for me when they’re angry! I also have bunch of holes in my memories and blurred events I’m not even sure happened in which I get hurt but who knows if I just made those up! Better be safe and assume I’m making things up and overreacting! I know if I confront them and ask them if they knew they hurt me they’re going to tell me I’m just being hysterical and imagining things for attention! They just really think they’re right! I need to keep in mind I’m indebted to them for feeding and sheltering me, god knows that was tough for them! They had a rough life too, they don’t need me accusing them of being abusers as well! Maybe it would be easier on them if I just died-“

These are the thoughts of child abuse victims. If your parents comments make you feel worthless and like a failure, they’re abusive. If your parents worsen your depression and anxiety, they’re abusive. If you’re scared of your parents they’re abusive. If they used violence to control you even once, they’re abusive. If they accuse you of being crazy or making things up when you confront them on hurting you they’re abusive. If they made you feel indebted for simply not letting you die on purpose, they’re abusive. If they forced you to focus on their lives and their perspective of you to the point where you can’t even acknowledge your own pain, injuries, and your own point of view, they’re abusive. If your parents make you feel like it would be better if you had never been born, or if you died, they’re abusive.

[have-you-tried-healing]

Dear Mom and Dad,

You raised me to be who I am today, and that is both incredible, and awful. Mother, you taught me what strength is. You ARE what strength is and I love you and would honestly do just about anything for you. I love you so much that I can’t even describe it.  Father, you taught me what pain is. What causes it and just how deep wounds can go, even when they aren’t physical wounds. I still love you, though. I love you for making me stronger than I ever thought I would have to be. And for working hard for me. I know that you have worked so hard, and that perhaps you just went a bit crazy along the way. Perhaps one day I can forgive you for that. When I go off to college, mom, I will miss you more than any words could ever say. I will worry and I will pray and I will plead with the universe to be kind to you. Don’t let him hold you back, either, mom. It is very important that you let yourself be free. Dad, please do not hate yourself, or other people, or hate your life. Find a way to love life again. Become less bitter and harsh and judgmental. For your own good, just become a better person. But know that I absolutely love the daddy who held me when I was a little girl and made me laugh while we ate ice creams on warm summer nights. That is the father that I try my hardest to remember when it comes down to it - I try to remind myself that the cold exterior wasn’t always there. That you’re human, too, and that you’re hurting too. But there is one thing people must know: being sad is not an excuse to hurt someone else. Especially someone you’re supposed to love most.

But please, keep on keeping on, guys. For me. You haven’t hurt me beyond repair - I’m starting to realize that myself now. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe truly, but I know it’s true. And I can get back to being who I used to be, eventually. I love you both with a full and aching heart.

<3 Erin 

[have-you-tried-healing]

when death looks like a sweet relief,

when there is no known way to end this grief, 

when you dread the days and curse the dawn,

oh, how do you hold on?

How do you hold on?

[furys]

[have-you-tried-healing]

I might be falling in love with you, but only because you are broken.

I would have overlooked you had you been complete. 

[have-you-tried-healing]

Please do not use me to teach you about love.

Not when I have so much learning to do myself.

[have-you-tried-healing]

I learned something phenomenal:

sometimes you end up in places you never expected to, or never saw yourself in, and you sometimes even think that you don’t belong there. that you can’t be there because it’s not meant for you. but the truth is, sometimes we’re meant to find ourselves in the most unexpected of places. and just because we didn’t predict it, does not mean that it’s not what’s right for us.

[have-you-tried-healing]

Oh, past me... you never thought you would be homeless in Alabama though, did you? Well, you/we are. And this is ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT IS RIGHT FOR US.

[identitty-dickruption]

being abused or neglected really makes it clear how many things are skills that nobody really treats as. skills. exercising autonomy is a skill. listening to your body is a skill. resting is a skill. being liked and being loved are skills. nobody tells you how to do this shit because nobody even told me I was supposed to have learnt these things when I was a kid. I kind of just have to manually figure out what makes me freak out and work from there. unfair as shit

[newar]

i love you coffee i love you chai i love you boba i love you fruit juice i love you green tea i love you slushie i love you milkshake i love you lemonade

[furiousgoldfish]

If you lived with abusive parents, it meant that the rules changed for you any moment. You could have been praised for something most of the time, then suddenly one day it brings a punishment instead. You could have been allowed to do certain things until one day you got tortured for doing it, and afterwards you couldn’t even know if it was alright to ever do it again. Some things were only allowed when parents were in forgiving mood, sometimes things you absolutely had to do, you knew you’d be punished if anyone saw you doing it, or if they found out. 

You never knew what the consequences would be. You could be wildly overpunished for something as simple as failing to close a door, saying the wrong word, having a certain face expression. You would get blamed and punished for things you didn’t do. You would get punished for someone’s bad mood. You would get punished for existing next to someone who was angry and wanted a punching bag. 

There was no consistency in your life, you had to live tiptoeing and hoping you would somehow do the right thing and avoid torture, the rules would change and twist and turn against you no matter what you would do, you developed a sixth sense to figure out when someone was irritated or upset, and you would still end up hurt and abused. 

And you got told this is normal, this is just how life is, everyone has it like this. You don’t doubt it or see it as abuse, it’s just your every day, you can’t imagine living a life where you’re safe, where you don’t have to expect thousand horrible things to happen if you make a tiny mistake that you initially had no idea would even be a mistake.

Now think about that and tell me where your anxiety came from. What living like this continually would do to a person. Because once you lived like this, this mindset doesn’t go away, it’s what you’ve learned to live with, what you’ve been forced to live with if you didn’t want to be in pain every second of your life. How would you not panic and over analyze your every word? How would you not try to predict just what kind of horror could come from most mundane and common action? How would you not at least try to brace yourself for the next torture someone might have ready for you? Your senses are not wrong, they’re trained to do this, they’re experienced in trying to help you survive life in abuse. 

[furiousgoldfish]

Tough kids are the ones who were punished for being vulnerable and hurt. Nothing forces a kid to hide their pain like the promise of humiliation and pain, and awareness that no compassion will be shown for their pain. Abusive parents even go step further and insist their kids have to be “tough”, they have to endure screaming and insults, they have to stay impassive and stoic thru fear and pain and never demand to be paid attention to or comforted. This is not how we treat other human beings in society, that’s how we treat prisoners and criminals, those we don’t care about, those we condemned to a life of hidden suffering.

Sometimes children will have to go thru listening how bad and selfish they would turn out if they weren’t “tough”, names like wimp, coward, and sissy will be thrown around, as if those describe any single person except abusers. Children are forced to grow scared of their own vulnerability and pain, feeling as if they’re at fault if they show any kind of weakness or pain, as if that’s the problem, and not grown adults failing to give them any sort of care or nurturing. And children are grown like this for no other reason than for adults to be able to lash out at them and abuse them for personal satisfaction. Yelling “you’re tough, you can take it!” while abusing a child, as if they’re doing a favour to the kid.

Don’t go lashing out at tough kids, thinking this wont affect them. They’ve already been tortured enough. They’ve already hidden their pain too many times. They’re already piling up a mountain of things they’ve repressed and dissociated from because it was too much for a kid to handle. You’re not doing them a favour adding onto that pain. That kid will break one day and realize nobody ever cared for them, and instead all people in their life used their grooming to feel justified in hurting them. No kid needs to be that tough. No kid needs to be that strong. Children need to be safe. Children need to be around people who don’t require them to show impassive expression in the face of pain. Children should get to have full hearts of knowing they’re loved, not pain in their chest they have to hide, in fear of being called weak. Give the tough kids a chance to be children, or leave them alone.

[furiousgoldfish]

it’s time to shut down the lie that children who don’t grow up being hit, humiliated, and scared into obedience will grow up into spoiled, entitled, selfish monsters. there is zero truth to that. children grown in a healthy and nurturing environment will get a chance to grow up healthy. children who are raised by monsters who try to pretend that abuse is for the child’s sake and that the child would become a monster if not abused will be stripped of their health and will be denied an actual start in life and will be forced to fight for survival. I’ve had enough of abusers pretending they’re helping the child while they’re just taking and taking more and more away from them and leaving them permanently traumatized and emotionally injured. Don’t let them get away with it.

[furiousgoldfish]

refusing to do as your parent says is not a provocation for them to abuse you.

standing up to your parent and telling them they’re wrong is not a provocation for abuse.

doing things in your own time and not on the exact timeline your parent wants you to is not a provocation for abuse.

asking for what you want or need and sticking up for yourself is not an invitation for abuse.

reacting to insults and getting angry and demanding them to be taken back is not a provocation for abuse.

refusing to participate in something that hurts you, even if your parents want you to participate, is not an invitation for them to force you.

defending yourself when attacked, fighting back, getting away from them, protecting yourself, hiding and getting out of reach is not a provocation for them to hurt you worse, to trap your movements, to hold you down, to lock you up, to hit you harder, to force you to accept the pain.

accepting parent’s challenges of “just you dare” and “do it and see what happens” isn’t a provocation on the child’s side, it’s actual provocation from the parent who is trying to find an excuse to abuse the child.

being mentally ill is not an invitation for them to force you to act normal and hide your symptoms.

keeping personal things private and wanting some things to stay private is not an invitation for privacy breach.

refusing to forgive your parents for what they’ve done to you is not an invitation for them to do worse.

refusing to be eternally grateful to your parents for feeding/clothing/sheltering you is not an provocation for them to threaten, insult, humiliate or blackmail you

calling your parents out when they’re harmful, cruel, neglectful, sadistic, toxic and abusive isn’t a provocation for them to show you how they could do worse.

holding your parents responsible for their actions is not a provocation for them to lash out at you and demand endless gratitude

letting your parents know when they’ve hurt you is not an attempt to hurt them.

having an opinion that differs from parent’s opinion isn’t an invitation for them to insult your knowledge or humiliate you.

being your own person doesn’t give them right to shut you down and force you into a role of what they want you to be.

You should be able to do every single of these things without your parents hurting you. If your parents consider this behaviour a “provocation”, and respond with abuse, they’re abusive. If they tell you it’s your fault because you provoked them or asked for it, they’re manipulating and brainwashing you to take responsibility for their abuse.

[furiousgoldfish]

Dismantling the Lies of Abusive Parents Masterlist

Resources

Giving you food and clothing is the bare minimum

You don’t owe gratitude for food and clothes you needed as a child

You had the right for basic resources

Parents shaming you for costing money is ironic and stupid

What it means when they say ‘This is MY house’

My house = my rules is blackmail

Children don’t owe absolute obedience for being fed and sheltered

Physical abuse

You are allowed to refuse any touch, not only violence

If they ‘don’t know they’re hurting you’, why do they ignore or punish you when you protest?

Hitting children is irrational and doesn’t work

You cannot ‘provoke’ your parents to abuse you if they’re not abusive

Why do parents actually hit, manipulate and traumatize children

Blatant Lies

Care, nurture and affection do not make you weak

They’re lying when they say it ‘wasn’t that bad’‘

You wouldn’t have grown up spoiled if not for abuse

You got too affected by it’ is a lie

Your parents are not ‘just too emotionally immature’ to understand abuse

‘You’re not living in the real world!’ is nonsense

You’re not worthless, a burden, ungrateful, or stupid, and your parents know that.

Constant undermining of your accomplishments is abuse

Not being allowed to talk about the past is symptom of abuse

Parents who want you to be happy vs look happy

You are not abusive for resisting abuse

When they claim ‘they didn’t mean it’, it’s still abuse

Your parents are responsible for their own actions regardless of how badly they try to shift blame on you

Psychological abuse

Blind Obedience is not required in a healthy upbringing

Disgust is a weapon abusive parents use on their kids

If they say they love you, but walk all over your feelings, they don’t 

Parents don’t have the right to enter your room to scream at you

Parents insisting for you to be ‘tough’ are doing it to hide the trauma

Even if a kid acts like ‘they can take it’, it’s still abuse

Pretending abuse is discipline will leave children permanently scarred

It’s inhumane to control and shame children’s reactions to abuse

Why don’t you already know this? vs Teaching you necessary skills

Acting like they’ll change is escape sabotage

Parents are responsible for protecting children from harm

References to how healthy parenting looks like

Not being allowed to be angry with your parents is psychological abuse

If parents want you to act way you did when you were little, they’re dangerous

Threats about how hard your life will be later on, are bad for you

Lack of continuity and ever-changing rules will cause anxiety

Forced obedience will lead you to abusive relationships

Parents acting like you’re a ‘bad’ is a shame tactic to control you

There’s healthy and abusive ways to give children chores

Revisioning the past and insisting you remember it wrong is gaslighting

If your parents make you suicidal, they’re abusive

Parents threatening ‘they could be worse’ is abuse

Always assuming the worst intentions for your actions is wrong

Keeping children hostage in abuse is torture

If this hits home, also read Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

[infpisme]

[infpisme]

[stay-close]

Please don't expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.

— Sylvia Plath

[adhighdefinition]

self care is so damn difficult when you… don’t… care… about your own self