I dreamt of Tatay last night.
Siguro kase I stumbled across his Clinical Abstract yesterday while looking for Nanay’s. Nung nabasa ko yung document, of course, andun yung summary ng lahat ng nangyari sa kanya for 3 days dun sa hospital. And yes, while I was reading it, flashbacks started to appear in my head. I saw everything again - from the time he was rushed to the ER, the first time his BP suddenly dropped to critical level, performing CPR on him to revive him, and all other things that led to May 11, 2017, until he was declared dead at 6:13PM - because I made a decision to ask the doctor to stop the CPR.
Yep, I was the one who decided to STOP performing CPR on him.
That day, we were already apprised of his situation. We already knew that it will be the end. The family decided to sign the waiver that if ever na atakihin sya ulit, hindi na sya itatry i-revive kasi the doctors already did everything they could pero mismong katawan na nya yung sumuko. But hell no, I was fighting.
AYOKO. Gusto ko pang ilaban. Ayokong sumuko.
I remember that time, I was telling myself, if there's a single glimpse of hope, of light na nakikita ko, bakit ako susuko, bakit kami susuko? Bakit hindi namin ilalaban? Nagagalit ako non sa kanila kasi feeling ko ako na lang yung lumalaban for Tatay. And I was there simula nung dinala sya don, NEVER AKONG UMUWI. I practically lived there sa hospital, and lahat nakikita ko at alam kong kaya pa nya, kasi the day before ang lakas-lakas nya pa. And nakakangiti pa sya despite all the apparatus na nakakabit sa kanya, tas kina-umagahan gano'n na? I said no. I FIRMLY SAID NO.
Then nakausap ko yung Nanay ko who was at home that time.. When she said enough na, I cried. And nag-isip ako nang maraming beses before I said yes. Nagdasal ako non. Sabi ko, “Lord, ito na ba talaga yung gusto Mo? Parang di ko pa kaya. Ayoko pa. Kung ito na talaga yung will Mo, please bigyan Niyo po ako ng sagot.”
After that short prayer, and the conversation with Nanay, (and a lot of crying) I finally told the Doctor that we have already made the decision and I will sign the waiver. They prepared all the papers and after 5-10 minutes a nurse arrived sa ICU and gave me the waiver. I was reading the contents while holding a black pen.. my hands were trembling that time and I couldn't even dare to place a single dot on that paper.. and when I was about to sign it, the nurse rushed out of his room and said, "Ma'am, inaatake po ulit yung father ninyo."
Hindi ko pa napipirmahan yung papel, inatake na sya. Kaya nagperform ulit ng CPR sa kanya. Nakita ko na naman lahat. Nakita ko kung gano kahirap for him. Nakita ko na may dugo nang lumalabas sa tube na nakasaksak sa kanya. Nakita kong sumuko na yung katawan niya. Nakita ko ulit lahat. I was looking at his hand. While I was crying.
Sabi ko sa isip ko "Tay, igalaw mo yung kamay mo. Please. Kahit yung daliri mo lang. ‘Pag gumalaw ka, ilalaban ko. Please. Kahit maliit na movement lang," and guess what? He never did. And that was when I decided. After more or less 5 minutes ng CPR... sumigaw ako. Habang umiiyak.
"Tama na po, itigil nyo na. Tama na."
They all stopped. He was declared dead at 6:13pm of 11th May, 2017. Hindi ko na kinailangang pumirma sa waiver. Hindi ko na napirmahan yung papel. Hindi ko na kinailangang desisyunan sa papel kung ilalaban pa o hindi na. I asked the Lord for answers and He gave it to me. Tinulungan Niya kong magdesisyon. Tinulungan din ako ng Tatay ko na magdesisyon.
But to be honest, even up to this day, I'm still haunted by the fact na, what if I never told the doctor to stop performing CPR on him? What if I decided to still fight for him? What if? Would he be able to survive? Would he still be with us today? What if? Kapag naiisip ko yun, sinisisi ko yung sarili ko sa nangyare. And everytime I do that, syempre iiyak ako. Tapos mapapanaginipan ko siya. And last night, I did.. and in my dreams, I was crying. He approached me while he was wearing his favorite yellow bucket hat and he hugged me. While he was hugging me, he told me this: "Anak, tahan na. Magiging okay din ang lahat." and I woke up crying.
I dreamt of Tatay last night, and it was so comforting. I dreamt of Tatay last night, and it was so heartwarming. I dreamt of Tatay last night, and I terribly miss him. I dreamt of Tatay last night and up until now, he's still saving me. I dreamt of Tatay last night... And how I wish it wasn't just a dream.
PS. Ikaw pa rin ang pinakapogi sa lahat. I love you, ‘Tay!
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
jbbartram-illu
germansingergirl
