"I Want This Shit Directed by Michael Bay"
My group of friends play what we call “Hillbilly D&D,” where we design characters with the shittiest stats ever (20 points to distribute to strength, intelligence, and constitution) and build our situation around that. On our most recent adventure, we were a group of plushies trying to escape a claw machine. Last one out had to buy everyone else milkshakes.
My character was an amorphous mango plushie named DJ Guango, with 16 constitution, 1 strength, and 3 intelligence. I was invincible.
But one of these characters was Mr. Cuddles, a very intelligent teddy bear made in Bangladesh and being held together by a singular thread. His turn came around, and this is what followed:
DM: Alright, what’s your move?
Mr. Cuddles: I’d like to break into the inner workings of the machine.Â
DM:Â Roll for investigation.
DM: Ok fine, you’re there. What’s your action?
Mr. Cuddles:Â I want to take the piece of lint out of my inventory and use it to blow up the machine.
Mr. Cuddles: Oh, yes. The only way out of this machine is certain death. Now I’m going to blow it up.Â
DM: (absolutely pissed off) Whatever. If you can roll a 20, I’ll let you blow it up.
(Mr. Cuddles rolls a 19. Everyone at the table is holding their breath.)
DM: The claw machine didn’t explode, but something even better happened. You shorted one of the wires, and now the claw machine has strobe lights flashing and “Despacito” playing at ear-bleeding levels. The song will change every turn from here on out.
We ended up going through twelve songs including beauties such as “Life After Love,” Cher’s “Believe,” “Bring Me to Life,” and “A Wallelujah Chorus.” Needless to say, our DM hasn’t spoken to us since.