beauty is terror

@hawthornecarson-blog

"But strange and marvelous as she was, a wisp of silk in a forest of black wool, she was not the fragile creature one would have her seem.” Dawson Hawthorne-Carson. 28. Literature. Assistant Professor of English.

29 posts

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

Her eyes flitted around the room, taking in the little details. Everything seemed fine, homey, very much her sister. She drew in a deep breath and then audibly exhaled. “As long as you’re happy, I can’t hate him,” she said quietly. She’d have to get to know him better obviously, but she wasn’t going to tell the police or anyone of the sort. “I just —” she shook her head “— I can’t believe I never noticed. I’m so sorry, Dawson.”

“You probably did notice, but it all probably didn’t make sense at the moment. I’ve found that hindsight has such a weird quality of clarity. There was really nothing else that could have been done about it. If you’d intervened he’d have made your life a living hell. He was always mom and dad’s perfect monster. He could do no wrong.” She found herself balling up her fists as she talked about him. That simmering rage toward him and all he’d done to her was something she felt would never subside.

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

No. She hadn’t heard that correctly, did she? She pursed her lips into a thin line, mulling over this new information. The idea had crossed her mind, of course, but she had always dismissed it. Her sister wouldn’t just make something like that up, either. She wouldn’t tell anyone this news, naturally —though it would hurt her to keep something like this from Cullen. She was at a loss for words as she brushed hair out of her face and catered to the unrelated clammy perspiration accumulated in her forehead.

“Payton?” she said tentatively. Dawson was terrified. Her lips pressed into a hard line. The past year had been a whirlwind of dizzying emotion that she felt was culminating to this very moment. “Please don’t hate him. He did it for me. Payton, there really was no other way. It was either him or me and Seth didn’t want it to be me. You should have seen him when he found out about Seth. I got a black eye out of that conversation.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“I don’t blame you,” she said quietly, trying to process everything. It certainly put a lot more into perspective about how she was acting when Andy died. She just hated that she hadn’t noticed because maybe she could have done something to help. She leaned back with a heavy sigh. “What exactly do you mean? Did he —?”

“He killed him, Payton. He made it look like a complete accident,” Dawson said plainly. She wanted it out in the open and there it was. “He did what he had to do, and I wanted you to know about it.” She wasn’t sure what Payton’s reaction to the news would be, but she trusted her enough to keep the secret.

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“How did I miss this?” she exclaimed with an exasperated sigh. This had all gone on in front of her, yet she never noticed, which sent her thoughts into a whirlwind and caused her to be dizzier than she had been. She felt like the worst sister in the world even if she had somewhat of an excuse for not noticing anything. A thin coat of sweat was forming on her brow, and she quickly brushed it away, playing it up as pushing her hair back out of her face. “How long?”

“I kept it hidden. I kept it hidden for your sake and mine,” Dawson admitted. “I needed to keep the piece as much as possible. I don’t think mom and dad would have believed me anyway.” It hurt to say that, but she knew that they wouldn’t have, especially their father. “It’s been a couple of years now. It wasn’t easy, and Anderson found out eventually himself. It was scary for me because I was terrified he’d try to do something to Seth. I was more scared for him than me, but I guess now it probably should have been the other way around. Seth took some measures to ensure that I would never be hurt again.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

Payton pursed her lips, unsure of what she had expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. She’d always thought Andy just wanted to distance himself as being the only boy and had different interests. And she and Dawson we’re always closer anyway. When he died, though, she wasn’t sure how to feel about it other than she was a little sad because she loved him out of obligation, and she couldn’t figure out how her sister had felt about their brother dying. “How? When?” she asked quietly in disbelief. She believed her sister, but she had trouble accepting that she had missed it all.

“For as long as I remember. It just progressively got worse,” Dawson admitted. She could track the start his aggression went from micro to macro. “He was extremely possessive and it was just better to isolate myself. Then Seth happened and that changed everything. For the better of course.” She couldn’t see Seth any other way. There had been pain, but he was never the one causing it. “I couldn’t tell anyone about him because of Anderson. Seth and I have been a thing for quite a while actually.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

Although dinner had gone better than expected, the upcoming conversation was not one Payton wanted to have. Too much emotion would be involved. She just knew it. As Cullen was leaving, she told him to have his phone nearby just in case. She didn’t expect anything bad to happen per se, but if things got too uncomfortable, she’d probably want him to come get her. As Seth ducked into what she was assumed was his office, she joined Dawson on the couch, keeping a cushion between them.

Dawson gnawed at her already raw lip. She had to remind herself that Seth was close and that she hadn’t been totally abandoned. “For most of my life our brother abused me. Physically and verbally and emotionally.” It felt weird to say it aloud to Payton after so long. It had been easier telling Seth about it. “I don’t know what it was about me that drew him to me instead of you, but at the very least you escaped that.”

@xpaytonhawthorne

Dawson had been dreading this. The dread had been slowly mounting and Seth’s reassurance throughout the day had not been as helpful as she wanted it to be. It was worse now that Payton’s newest boytoy was taking his leave and the sisters would soon be left to their own devices. Seth of course would slip away to his study, close enough but still all too far away. Dawson settled in on her couch, feeling jittery.

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

She thought maybe she caught a flicker of something dreadful cross her sister’s demeanor, but she dismissed the thought almost as quickly as it came. She kept reminding herself that she be told what she need to know .“Just text me the details and we can doing."

Dawson nodded. It was going to be one of the more difficult things that she had done in her life, but she knew that it had to be done. “Just remember that I love you. I’ll let you know about everything.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“Once we get through whatever hiccup this is aince Andy died, you’ll feel better,” Payton said with a small, sad smile. There was no point in telling her she didn’t need to become a recluse in all the time because she herself had done the same thing. The closest she got to confiding in anyone was with Cullen, and even then, she’d not shared much pivotal information with him about anything really. “I think we both will.”

She even hated hearing his name. He might be dead, but she wished that there was a way to erase him completely from existence and from her memory. Dawson feared for a second that she was actually outwardly cringing. “We will.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

She pursed her lips as she forced back some tears. She wasn’t afraid to show her emotions, per se, but it had been a while since she had. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be there for you.” She reassured her with a little squeeze before pulling away. “I won’t let you implode from this.”

“Hiding everything just got exhausting. I couldn’t tell anyone about any of my good news either. It was like not being alive at all. It was like walking in some ghost like mirror world,” she confessed. Her joys had been kept to herself. There had been no one to discuss Seth with and all of the other trappings that came with having a normal life and relationships with people.

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“I could never hate you,” Payton said reflexively, echoing her sister’s words from earlier. This time when she went to hug her, she didn’t pull away. She’d handle her own inner turmoil later. “Whenever you’re ready, even if it’s not anytime soon, I’ll be there, okay?” No more running. Whether she liked it or not, she needed to face whatever had had happened head on. She had a solid enough support system to help her. “I promise.”

Dawson sank into her sister’s embrace. It had been quite sometime since the two had actually shared a hug like this. “It’s going to have to be soon because I frankly can’t hold it all in from you any longer. I’m lucky I haven’t already imploded from built up pressure.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

She didn’t pull away because she would hurt or bother her sister; she knew that wasn’t the case at all. No, she herself may not have been ready. Being emotional wasn’t her thing, and she had to come to terms with how she wanted to move forward. “That’s something we’ll talk about in due time,” she said with a frown.

“I wish that it was simple, but it’s not, and you might even hate me. I hope that you won’t hate me.” Seth and Dawson had discussed it all before. She needed to tell her sister all that had happened to her. Now probably wasn’t the best time though.

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“I—Dawson,” she said, resigned. It seemed everyone was isolated from each other at the worst possible time. They’d talk about it if she wanted to talk about it. She went to hug her sister, but she pulled away.

“You don’t have to be afraid I’ll break or something,” she said in response to Payton’s almost hug. “There’s just a lot that you don’t know about me, that no one really knows about me, and it’s something I just could not tell you at the time.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

Payton smiled, but it was strained. She’d missed talking to her sister more than anything. She knew next to nothing about her brother-in-law, and that struck a chord within her. “No need to sell him to me,” she teased. “You wouldn’t have eloped with just anyone.”

“I’m sure that our father still isn’t too happy about that, but believe me at the time I wasn’t really in the position to do much else.” Dawson wasn’t quite sure how to explain it all to Payton just yet. “Regardless of it all, I am very happy with him.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“I’m sure I will,” she said quietly. She trusted her sister and her judgment. The timing of everything had rubbed her the wrong way. Hopefully that would all be smoothed over soon enough. Besides, she wasn’t oblivious to how important this was to her. It was important to her, too. “If you like him, I have no doubt I will.”

“Seth can be a little odd to most people, but I can promise you that he has a very gentle side.” Dawson hadn’t gotten to luxury of discussing him with her sister. She hadn’t gotten those moments where she could share just how well he treated her with Payton. It often felt weird that their relationship was in the open. “He’s so serious sometimes. It’s really quite charming.”

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

“I’ve always been a fan of sweet, rich wines more than anything, ” she said with a sigh. As much as she appreciated her opinion being taken into account, she never was one for this sort of thing. Especially since she wouldn’t have much wine either way. “Feel free to surprise me, though.”

“Got it.” She was really overly nervous for all of this. Dawson was sure it would all go smoothly, but her anxiety was not sure. She’d been a little withdrawn since the elopement and the funeral. Payton had been somewhat similarly withdrawn. It was not the best situation. “I promise that you’ll like him,” she said out of nowhere. She very much wanted her sister and her husband to get along and like one another.

xpaytonhawthorne‌:

She pursed her lips as she thought it over. She wasn’t much of a drinker because of her medicines and because of her depression, but on occasion, she enjoyed a glass of something. That was definitely something they would have to talk about sooner rather than later. “Wouldn’t it depend on the entree?”

“It would, but I would much rather get something you were prefer than be someone who is being a stickler and trying to coordinate against your taste.” Dawson was slightly people pleasing. It was a direct effect of her brother. Placate him and she could at least she some peace. Now it was just a reflex.

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