So honestly, I feel like I have nowhere I can speak open and honestly right now. So I dug out the tumblr.
Today is the day I've felt closest to wanting to end it all. Even after losing my brother this way. I'm looking at scissors, I'm thinking about pills, I'm thinking about car exhausts.
If it wasn't for my mum and dad I'd have definitely done something by now. And with my dad recently suffering the way he has done, and how they both suffered from losing my brother, I feel like that's the only thing stopping me.
It also makes me so incredibly frightened that if anything happens to them, I'm not going to have anything to keep me here. It'll be so easy at that point to just leave.
I feel like such a waste of a life. There's so many people, including my dad, fighting to be here. I reflect so much on how it should have been me in my brother's place. He was the one who lit up a room. He was the one who brought smiles to people's faces, the one who had a unique and talented mind. The one that people loved. The one that people remembered. He has two boys who are just the best, who deserved their dad.
I've been analysing myself so much lately. I struggle to understand my own brain, analyse why I do and act the way I do. Nothing I do is ever meant maliciously, ever. But somehow I just keep isolating myself and pushing people away. I've never felt like I've fit in anywhere, even with some of my closest friends, I've still felt like the outsider, no matter how welcome and trusting and kind they've been.
I'm in the midst of trying to get some diagnosis, to try and help understand my brain, but I'm scared it's too little too late. And it could still be months or even years before anything comes of it.
I don't belong here. Somebody more deserving, should be in this body.
The weight in my chest is so heavy. I wish I could carve myself up and give it to somebody more deserving.
I just, I don't see a future anymore.
