Skinny.

Hazel-Rose Whitmore 17 Patient at Thornewood Mental Hospital Level 2

[belles-dejour]

[gil3ru]

Photo pheobe tonkin on We Heart It - https://bnc.lt/l/4rr2iYU1_x

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Shattered. ||Hazel and Esmeralda||

[esmeralda-anderson-deactivated2]

“Yes, but he’s… he really lost it over the last couple of weeks. He wondered around…” Esmeralda was not going to remind Hazel of the bad things about Declan. No one should remember that about their best friend. One should always remember the beauty of that shine of excitement as they talked about something that they loved not the crazed look at something talked to them that one could not see. “It hurts, because you grew attached to him. He was supposed to protect you, and he couldn’t even protect himself from his own delusions. Jasper was making progress with you, and now all of that work is gone.” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

The patient let all of her hair just cradle her face, letting it sit there like a blanket. She was entirely right, putting an explanation to the horrifying feeling that had formed in the pit of her stomach. “Im never going to see them talk again.” She said quietly, “Im never going to laugh about how all the nurses are scared of him, or run to him in the middle of the night.” She cried again, but tears would not bring back her broken friend. Did he even think about me before he took them? The thought continued to cross her mind. “Fucking Jasper, oh god.” She shook her head, all of it too much for her to handle in one day. “I shouldn’t have let them in. I knew what replying on people did and I did it anyway. Now look at me. I lost both of them in a day.” She looked up at the other woman solemnly. “Oh god, the trial. I can’t, I can’t not without either of them...oh god I don’t have either of them!” The panic that rose through her just mixed with the overwhelming despair coursing through her veins like a virus. She just screamed again, punching her fists on the floor, hating how unfair it was. How awful it was. How unreal it was. 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Shattered. ||Hazel and Esmeralda||

[esmeralda-anderson-deactivated2]

“People are weird.” Esmeralda admitted. There was a small part of her that too didn’t understand. This wasn’t the standard suicide. This was something about justice. He didn’t cry. He wasn’t distressed. It was like he was at peace when they found him. He had written something about giving justice to the people that he had murdered. Guilt literally killed him. “I…” How could she tell Hazel that it was going to be okay when she still had nightmares about Grey and Violet? How could she say anything but that she was sorry. Suicide was one of the worst ways for someone to die, because one always wonders if it’s their fault. “He…. I don’t understand why he did it. He said something about bringing justice to those that he killed. I don’t think this is about being sad. He… I don’t know Hazel. He was very ill. He was more ill than I could possibly express. People aren’t… rational when they suffer from such a terrible case of schizophrenia.”  

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

the words that left the psychiatrists mouth did absolutely nothing to comfort the fragile girl who had been shattered into a thousand little pieces. This wasn’t the first time she had been broken, but she vowed to herself that it would be the last. This time was different because there was no one that she cared enough about to even attempt to pull all of the pieces back together. “We’re all very ill!” She screamed at her, staring into her green eyes with her glassy brown ones. Hazel wanted to scream about how she felt like she hadn’t just lost a friend, but she’d lost someone that was more than that. There were very few people that she had let into the dark corners of her mind and now they were both dead. She wanted to express the nerving sense of insecurity she felt, and the urge that she felt to just give up. Though for some reason the words escaped her and only sounds of pained breath came out. “Im done. I can’t...why does it hurt so much?”

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Shattered. ||Hazel and Esmeralda||

[esmeralda-anderson-deactivated2]

Nothing hit her as hard as death. There were few things that could compare to the agonizing gut wrenching suffocating feeling of realizing that someone else would never be seen again. The sight of Jasper’s body rolling out in front of her haunted her like nothing else before. The man’s bones were at odd angles, bruises littered his face, and blood poured from every surface. Beaten to death. What a horrible way to go. Despite feeling grief from the loss of Declan, Esmeralda could only think of one thing- Hazel. She ran out of the basement up the stairs knowing very well that she’d be the first to find out. When she heard Hazel sobbing, she didn’t give her the chance to invite her in. “Hazel… I’m coming in.” She spoke softly as she walked carefully into the room. “I’m so sorry Hazle. I am so sorry.” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Hazel was contorted into a small ball like shape, her head against the wall. Tears were flowing down the sides of her cheeks, uncontrollable breaths leaving her lips. It felt almost like her chest was closing on her, taking every bit of strength she had to force them open again. Esmeralda was the only other person in the asylum that even remotely knew who she was and what she was dealing with. There wasn’t as much trust with her as she had with the two men who were now deceased. “H-He made me promise that I wouldn’t leave him...and he left. He fucking left me! And Leah, goddammit!, godammit...” Her voice was strained and spacy, the last word coming out as more of a scream and cry all at once instead of an angry word. She put her hand on her eyes, to try and hide the horrifying pain behind them. “I don’t understand.” She whispered hoarsely, “The last time I saw him...he was laughing. We were joking...and now.” More tears and whimpers fell like acid rain, infecting the room with her emotion. 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Shattered. ||Hazel and open||

The news of Jasper and Declan spread quickly through the asylum, as any gossip did. Each whisper of the deaths caused more holes to fall through the fragile wall of trust she had been able to make again. They were the only people she had trusted, Declan was the only one who the brunette had known to keep her safe, and now horrid images of what his lifeless body would look like flooded her mind, making her shiver with pure horror. ‘Her thoughts jumped to Leah, and for a small moment she wondered if she had found out. As much as she fought Jasper tooth and nail, he was the one who convinced her to prosecute the men who hurt her, he was the one who had made many deals, now all void because of one mans actions against him. Sitting in the corner of her room, the teenager began to sob hysterically, finally just snapping and not caring who heard it. 

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

“Just… eat… more than five hundred. If you’re doing that then, I probably can talk her into it. If you’re volunteering to eat, it looks good for you.” Jasper took note of their agreement for later. “I need to switch your medication then. Within the next two weeks we’ll have to ask the same thing. You’re taking them right?” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

“Right, when the girl who refuses to eat, eats without it being forced down her throat, its seen as good, progress even.” She nodded sarcastically sighing. Eating was so simple for everyone, it seemed, everyone but her. “Yes, Im taking them. Any time I tell them I don’t want them, they tell me that there is a note that says that there is to be no leniency.”

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

“Then why don’t we wait another month, and I’ll arrange it. I’m going to need you to eat well to prove to Amelia that you’re making progress. I have to give her something to be willing to allow me to blow my on. The fact that you’ve not harmed yourself or attempted to kill yourself is a good start, but she’s probably going to need something for your main diagnosis. Speaking of that. Have you seen anything lately? Have they gotten worse? Better?” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

“Fine.” She agreed, something rare that happened between the two of them. “Define eat well. They haven’t changed, the same strange things that I can never seem to decifer whether they are real or not. It’s irritating as all hell, but I can handle  people looking at me as the girl with the eating disorder, I cannot handle them looking at me as the girl who see’s things.”

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

“Yes you did.” Jasper nodded before sitting in front of her. “Yes, he is, and he is quite good at his job. I’m going to have to agree with him that you should not leave for just a bit. I’ll check when there will be a ballet going on in Seattle, Oregon, or California and arrange for us to take a trip. If you’re good for another month, we can make it a four day long trip, and I might be able to talk Amelia into allowing me to fly with you to go to a ballet in New York.” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

“Im just tired, I can’t see why Im not allowed to leave yet, but fine. I won’t fight you on it considering it will get me no where. The New York ballet is gorgeous, their trainer came to teach a select group of us once at a conference, it was amazing. Amelia isn’t my biggest fan, but she probably doesn’t remember that so hey, maybe a fresh slate.”

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Helping hands. |Hazel and Esmeralda|

[esmeralda-anderson-deactivated2]

“it’s not pathetic.” Esmeralda asserted as she pulled her hand away. She did not want to be the cause for Hazel’s pain. She was there to comfort her in any way that she could. “Do you know how many people suffer from that? Your best friend has a terrible case of PTSD where he acts out in violence when he flashes back. He nor you are pathetic. Your brain short circuits and gets stuck in a loop of that traumatic event. The same feeling of fear from the event keeps you trapped there. It’s… a horrible disorder to have to suffer through.” 

The young woman suffered from the disorder for a large portion of her life. She almost couldn’t remember what life was like before she suffered from flashbacks. She always felt this horrible sense of danger when she was at home, and flashbacks were almost impossible to avoid or remedy. She didn’t know what safety was, so when she returned that same fear often sent her back into a flashback. Large portions of her life used to be lost from falling in and out of flashbacks over and over again. 

“It is the worst thing to have to cope with. If I’m being honest, I never discovered how to pull yourself from a flashback. You have to wait for it to end, because often you don’t even realize that you’re in a different world.” Esmeralda wished that she could tell her something better, but that was just the reality of someone having PTSD. “When you get out, try to remind yourself that you are in control. “ 

“As far as the trials, remember that you don’t have to do this, but I promise them getting punished for their crimes does provide at least some relief. It doesn’t soothe the wound, but it provides justice for the crimes committed against you.” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

“It’s not that bad..Im not that bad...It only happens a little..only a little.” Though the words were meant to try and convince herself of this fact, they instead brought just more disappointment into her mind. How could she not even convince herself that she was okay? 

Hazel sighed heavily, exhaustion taking over everything. How can panic send such exhaustion through such a small girl? The question would never be answered by the brunette. She reached her hand out and lightly grasped Esmeralda’s arm to keep herself grounded. The skeleton like fingers did not hold it tightly, just enough so that she could feel the warmth and assurance that a safe person was with her. That the men who attacked her weren’t coming back. It did something to soothe the alarm shrieking in her brain. Biting her tongue she looked into the womans eyes, something still there that was too scared to move yet. 

“I can’t relive this...you understand...I can’t handle reliving this all the time. I just want to move on, I just want to be who I was before it all, I just-” Her voice cracked as her head shook. “Fuck.” She hissed under her breath, struggling to gather herself again. She hadn’t talked about what had happened since quite a while ago, and all of those thoughts that she had bottled up, were now fighting to explode out of her. 

The brunette shook her head, “I can’t...I can’t not prosecute them for what they did. They would win. They don’t get to win.” She said in an angry tone, but it was obvious she wasn’t angry at Ezzy, but instead angry at the thought of facing them. “What if I get there and I face them and I lose it? I don’t want them to see me looking so weak again. I can’t.”

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Why would I not expect that out of her? He held up his finger before standing up. “You might be right, but I need to check my notes.” He flipped through his notes before laughing a little. “You’re right. I can’t take you out for a little while due to your heart attack. Dr. Nash would have my degree, but as soon as you’re not at the same risk I’ll take you out. Do you want to do the body cast or ballet?” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Hazel opened her mouth but closed it a moment as he said he could check his notes. Knowing she was right, she patiently awaited his answer. Upon hearing it she smirked, her angry tone simmering down. “See? I told you so!” She cheered cocking her eye brows at him. “Yeah no, he’s just doing his annoying job. Thats why I don’t hate him. Ballet. Duh.”

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

“You hit two months and then didn’t eat for a week. You lost it.” Jasper pointed out deciding to ignored her previous comments. Her perspective on him forcing her or not was not all that important at the moment. “I’m glad to see that you’re going to try to continue to work along with me. I hate fighting with my patients. How do you feel after the heart attack, by the way?”

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

“That was not the deal we had made! You told me that if I did not make an attempt or threaten to make an attempt, that I would be able to go out with you in two months time. Never was restricting brought into it, you can’t just change the rules like that!” She snapped angrily. Hazel liked order, and changing the order made her snap. “Oh yeah that fun thing, um it felt like shit for a few days but now it just is exhaustion. It’s a different tired from my normal tired.”

[thornewoodconfessions-deactivat]

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Helping hands. |Hazel and Esmeralda|

[esmeralda-anderson-deactivated2]

There was that constant feeling of panic as she felt desperate to do something to alleviate Hazel’s fear. She remembered what it was like to be in that dark world, and it was something she didn’t wish on her worst enemy. It was the most horrible feeling she could think of to know that she could never truly escape the horrendous things that happened to her. Flashes of the assaults on both Esmeralda and Hazel would haunt them forever. Esmeralda had accepted for herself, but she hated to see someone else struggling. She would have carried that on her back if she could have. 

She watched closely as her words started to sink in with Hazel. It softened the quick thudding in her ears from her heart, and it alleviated the crushing feeling in her lungs. Her blue-grey eyes softened with kindness instead of urgency as she watched Hazel started to realize where she truly was. She rubbed Hazel’s shoulder to reassert that she was there, that she was always going to be there, and that Hazel was always going to be safe around her. 

If there was one thing Esmeralda took from her three years of therapy, it was that grounding oneself in reality with something physical helped decrease the chances of reentering that horrible world they had just escaped. The scent was something that comforted her in her darkest day, and she hoped it would do the same thing for Hazel. “Flashbacks will give you that horrible feeling.” Esmeralda was always going to be as honest as she could with Hazel. “When you’re flashing back, try to ground yourself. If you feel a flashback coming on, take a strong whiff of something even if it’s terrible. I’ve found that sometimes can keep a flashback off.” 

She reached out and rubbed Hazel’s face. “It’s okay to feel afraid, angry, or exhausted. All of this would traumatize anyone. Just remember, Jasper, Declan, or I would never allow you to be harmed. We are all here for you… even if Jasper is a giant pain in your ass.” Esmeralda laughed. 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Hazel was breathing again, normal and slow. Esmeralda’s hand on her shoulder was one thing that she could focus on. Her heart was still beating loudly in her ears as she leaned back against the wall, everything slowly sinking in. She was in Esmeralda’s office, in the basement of the asylum, fully guarded. The brunette let out another shaky deep breath. Her hands wrapped tightly around the jacket, considering it seemed to be the only thing that held her down from falling back from down into the darkness in her mind. 

There was a silence that took over her for a moment. Any will that she had a moment before to speak was gone. Instead she felt the need to be invisible, to act as though she didn’t know how to speak, and how to prosecute people that hurt her. Somewhere in her head though, she knew that those urges to keep her mouth shut were coming from fear and fear wasn’t a good enough reason not to do something. 

Looking up at the blue-grey eyes that were staring at her the girl groaned, “It’s so pathetic...that I can’t even keep myself from thinking its happening again.” She said quietly, shaking her head. She was so frustrated with herself because she was not a weak person, and this whole thing seemed to have shattered her down into one. “Flashback; the word itself seems like it would be such a cool thing. But it’s not...its the worst thing. l...I don’t even know what to do when it happens! I can’t bring myself down, like a normal panic attack, it’s just, ugh, dammit!” She shouted, putting her hand over her eyes to hide the new layer of tears that had formed. The brunette wasn’t used to having to deal with things she couldn’t control and when she had to, it was torture. 

 The brunette involuntarily flinched away from Esmeralda’s hand near her face. “Sorry,” She took a breath and just looked away, again feeling pathetic. “The trial is in a little over a month. I can’t do it, but I can’t not do it and that doesn’t make any sense.”

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

“No, you’re not eating anything. That is how we’ve gotten to this conversation. Remember?” Jasper pointed out referring to all of the notes that the nurses had left him. “Got it. Not literal; just an expression of anger. And I know you can do it. I’ll be fair with you though to make the pot sweeter. Once you get to four pounds, I’ll also take you out to that thing since you’re not going to meet your two month mark any time soon.” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Hazel chose to ignore his first comment, moving past it considering he was correct. She’d been fasting, and it had been working; therefore, the young patient didn’t want to stop. “Oh yeah, of course you think I can do it, you’re the one forcing me. Or as Im sure you see it as encouraging me.” She said sighing heavily. It’s not like she had a choice anymore, it was either try to gain a bit and just lose it all again when she got out, or stay tiny and never leave. “I’ve hit two months. I have not threatened nor tried to kill myself. The heart attack wasn’t intentional, so that doesn’t count.” She said careful not to raise her voice too much with him. “But fine, I suppose that does make it a little tempting to try.” 

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Wound Up II Jasper & Hazel||

[jasperartemisnichols-blog]

Jasper didn’t know what to say about Declan at first before sighing. “If he stays out of trouble until your court case, I might be able to pull it. However, he just gutted a patient, and it’s not looking good for him.” He’s managed to anger all of the nurses too lately with his constant wandering, but he could not tell her that since it was patient confidentiality. “That’s double because you’re supposed to be making progress. Plus it looks bad on me if I just let you off the hook after your heart attack. Think of the two pounds as a punishment for not getting any better all of those months. As far as the trainer, I’ll make you a deal. Once you gain six pounds, I’ll let the trainer come over once. You gain ten, and they come over regularly as long as you don’t get any worse.” 

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

“....I can try to make that happen.” She agreed. “I’ve slipped up once since I agreed to start working with you, and you’re punishing me? Does that really seem like you’re best idea?” She asked raising her eye brows. “It’s not like Im not eating anything, Im just not meeting your quota. Which is more than it was before.” She said defensively. “Oh great, six pounds! Six fucking pounds. Why don’t you just shoot me now?” Hazel said angrily rolling her eyes before pointing at him, “Not a literal suicide statement, just a figure of speech.”  

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

Helping hands. |Hazel and Esmeralda|

[hazel-rose-whitmore]

as spinnesmeralda-anderson:

Was this how Phillip and Will felt when she woke up screaming in fear? It was the most horrifying feeling knowing that there was a dark world that she could not save Hazel from. It made an anvil drop in her stomach at the sight of Hazel’s dark eyes going places that could have easily been darker than Esmeralda’s home life. She realized that Phillip had to go through this almost every night now that Esmeralda was getting worse. A ripping feeling in her lungs made it much harder to focus. 

However, that didn’t distract her at all from her task as her small and soft hands reached out and moved Hazel’s hair. “Hazel Rose Whitmore, you are in the Thornewood Mental Hospital in the basement with Esmeralda Whitlock-Anderson soon to be Nash.” She snickered at her own name. “You are safe. I would never allow anyone near you. You are not in your room. You are not anywhere near there. You are safe here with me.” 

She took off her jacket and handed it to Hazel. “You smell that lavender? I’m here. I’m here with you. It’s okay to come to me. I want you too. That’s why I spent so much time getting that stupid piece of paper. Breathe honey. In through your nose.” Esmeralda took a two second breath in through her nose, “out through your mouth.” She let out her breath through her mouth for a five seconds. 

Her thoughts were too far away for a minute to be able to bring her back. She wasn’t in the office of the woman she had grown to trust, she was back in the invasion in the level two bedroom, being attacked again. The brunette didn’t scream, but shook and whimpered as she was pulled further from reality. 

Somewhere in the middle of the flashback Esmeralda’s reassuring words broke through the intrusion of memories. Her screams and their words crossed with the real words of the psychaiatrist. You are safe. You are safe here with me. The words seemed made her blink a few times before she ran her own hand through her hair. The panic was fading, slowly but surely, and she was becoming more and more grounded. 

With a shaky hand she took the jacket and held it to her nose, inhaling the scent as much as she could. It made where she was more real, safer almost. The patient began to follow the womans lead as she took breaths, helping her calm down more. Her eyes were now filled with fear, exhaustion, and embarrassment. Her body still shook, the after effects from the panic attack coursing through her veins. Yet, the tan patient lifted her hand and wiped her eyes, letting out a shaky sigh. “It’s never been..I felt so trapped...” She said quietly, putting her head in her hands and groaning. “They had me again..I couldn’t escape...”