SUMMARY . . . sometimes it's okay to not be okay, hanbin just needed to find someone that could help him understand that.
PAIRING . . . park hanbin x male!reader
GENRE . . . much angst, also much fluff
WARNINGS . . . allusions/mentions of death, phanbin is a chronic over thinker, nightmares (not descriptive), wakeone is a horrible company (but we knew that alr)
NOTES . . . i am utterly in love with park hanbin for absolutely no reason :( such an amazing man
park hanbin likes to pretend.
he's always one to be happy, to smile, even when he's necessarily not. hanbin doesn't like it when people worry about him, so he decides to pretend everything's okay because the idea of other people worrying about him bothers him.
he'd rather be the one to worry about others, he doesn't want others to take care of him, he'd prefer for that not to happen.
hanbin likes to think that he's good at hiding his true emotions, even with the sometimes worrying looks he gets from his group mates, he doesn't say anything in the slightest bit.
the only thing really helping hanbin is that he's keeping up this façade.
there are many times when hanbin wanted to quit, to collapse onto the floor and never wake up, but he has to keep a brave face for the rest of his members. they look up to him, see him as their leader, it'd be selfish of him to quit because then he'd discourage everyone else, everyone else who was working so hard to make sure they don't get a harsh scolding from the dance instructor.
hanbin hates when he hears the rest of the group get scolded, but then hears;
"wow, hanbin, your perfect!"
"you should all follow in hanbin's footsteps".
"you have everything an idol needs, you should be debuting soon".
hanbin always feels his heart tighten whenever those words are spoken, because they don't help him at all. they're backhanded, he hates how those words shade his group mates, the people he's known for almost four years now, he hates that these people call him perfect when he isn't, it pisses him off how even with all he's done, he still feels like a failure.
even if hanbin is perfect, even if he has everything an idol needs, he doesn't feel like it. it's hard to feel like you are anything in a company like wakeone, where the only people who care for you are your close friends, no one in the company has really cared about their little group ever since that one manger who used to sneak them snacks after practice left.
hanbin doesn't know how he manages everything without bursting into tears about all of the stuff stressing him out.
there are so many times where hanbin just wants to break down, to sob. there are so many times when he has to hold back his tears, he gets so scared thinking about the future of the group, how they probably won't debut even with how hard they're trying.
but hanbin has to keep up a brave face for the rest of his members.
he doesn't wanna discourage them, especially junghyun and jihoo, they're still in school, they're kids, he has to take care of them more than the others, because they're the youngest.
he wants them to have hope.
even if he necessarily doesn't.
to be fair, it's hard to have faith in a company like wakeone. the company doesn't care about them, clearly, as long as they can make money, they don't care.
which is why their first choice was to cancel their debut and throw them into a survival show.
hanbin knew wakeone wouldn't be responsible, he knew they'd do something careless and simply say; "were not gonna debut you guys, anymore".
but a survival show? and an mnet one.
they always had this planned.
hanbin remembers everything. the sighs, the groans, the looks of disappointment from everyone else as they realized they had to wait even longer to debut after all they've done.
and now they all probably won't even debut together.
hanbin's shoulder slump, another wave of disappointment washing over him.
all of their hard work, still not rewarded.
"can you believe it? a survival show? that's what they thought was the best option" minseok scoffs as he folds his laundry, a 'tsk' escapes jeonghyeon's lips.
"it's just another way to make millions of dollars, just like all the other survival shows".
"all we have to do is sacrifice everything else we've done before" y/n states seriously, his leg bouncing up and down as he bites his inner cheek.
hanbin stays silent, which is honestly pretty abnormal. even taerae is talking more than him, and taerae usually goes quiet during conversations like this.
he's stressed, tired, worn out, he's practiced too much these days, he feels himself disassociating more and more during conversations with his group mates.
everything has simply become too much for him these past few days.
"i'm not doing your laundry, jeonghyeon!"
"why can't you just be nice, y/n?"
taerae laughs, hiding his mouth behind his hand as minseok simply sighs, used to those two and their constant bickering.
hanbin gives a fond smile at the two, even in a situation where they feel insanely hopeless, his group mates will always find a way to cheer him up, even unconsciously.
y/n nudges jeonghyeon, making the boy whine as he clings onto taerae, sticking his tongue out at him. he taps hanbin, making him jump.
hanbin blinks, nodding as a fake smile comes to his face. "i'm fine.. just tired".
y/n hums, letting out a small 'ah'. he looks like he doesn't believe hanbin, but he doesn't say anything about it if he actually does.
hanbin smiles, a pained one at that, but he still smiles. he sighed and clasps his hands together, wanting to just walk away. "it's already nine o'clock, junghyun and jihoo should be going to sleep now".
he doesn't say anything more, he just gets up and walks out of the laundry room, leaving his other 02 liners there.
y/n narrows his eyes, watching as he walks away.
his breath is unsteady, and his eyes are watery, as if he'll burst into tears any minute then. he simply just sits for a second, catching his breath, as of he'd just run a marathon even though he did nothing which should be taking away his breath.
he closes his eyes, but then quickly opens them because he just can't.
every time he closes his eyes he's reminded of what was in that horrific dream..
it's been a while since hanbin's had a nightmare. they were pretty bad when he was a kid, then got a little more manageable when he was in his teens.
but that was— that was horrible.
it's like hanbin's mind is purposefully playing tricks on him, trying to convince him that it's all his fault and that his friends aren't okay.
his breath hitches as his mind goes to thoughts of his friends not being okay. he quickly looks to the side, but taerae, minseok, and jeonghyeon are all peacefully sleeping in their beds, okay.
oh thank god..their okay, nothing bad happened hanbin, it was just a nightmare.
he pauses, taking in a deep breath as he tries to calm himself down, still struggling to keep his composure as he calms down from the nightmare he just had minutes prior.
he just sits there for a moment, bringing his knees to his chest as he listens. he listens to taerae's snores, minseok's tiny breaths, jeonghyeon's small mumbling.
that's who was missing, hanbin looks to his bed, but it's empty, he's not there, he's not there.
hanbin panics, anxiety immediately rising. he feels like he's overreacting, but at the same time, his mind is racing with horrible thoughts.
he's probably okay hanbin, your just thinking too much into it, all you had was a nightmare.
hanbin desperately tries to ignore the voice in his head as he slips out of the bed, tired, stressed, and worried.
y/n is okay, hanbin, he's okay, he's probably just getting water! no need to worry!
hanbin keeps trying to reassure himself, but it seems that his bad thoughts are outweighing any good ones he might be having.
he clears his throat, hands getting sweaty as he feels his eyes start welling up with tears.
he doesn't even know why he's getting overly emotional, he just is. everything is just horrible, he feels like he can't manage anything.
he tries so hard to put on a brave face for everyone else, but everything is just piling up on him and he feels like he's about to breakdown.
he wipes his tears before they can fall, and as he walks forward, he bumps into a figure.
"oh i'm sorry" y/n's soft voice greets hanbin, and said boy let’s put a soft sigh. the younger blinks, eyes widening as he sees the tears threatening to fall down hanbin's place. "hanbin, honey, what happened?"
hanbin closed his eyes, small tears falling down his cheek as y/n moves his thumb to wipe them. "y/n, i'm sorry" he whispers, he can't muster up an actual voice to speak.
"what— why are you sorry?"
"because i.." hanbin pauses, his eyes shift as he sighs in disappointment. "i can't be brave, and i can't constantly be okay, even with how much i try and it's frustrating me—"
y/n frowns at his words, his expression turning into one of sympathy. he wraps his arm around hanbin, who simply melts into his touch. "okay, calm down".
hanbin sniffles, and y/n wipes the remaining of his tears. the younger sighs, the frown stuck to his face as he sees hanbin try his best to not start crying again. "what happened?"
"i had a nightmare" hanbin begins, swallowing the lump in his throat. "all of you guys got hurt, and i panicked when i saw you weren't there because i thought something bad happened".
hanbin takes in a deep breath, finally looking up at y/n. he bites his bottom lip, hoping he didn't say anything wrong.
"there's nothing wrong with that".
"hanbin, sometimes it's okay to not be okay" he states, and hanbin shifts up as y/n takes his hand. "you don't have to constantly put up a 'happy' attitude, your allowed to sad, mad, frustrated, we'd all understand, you work hard, it's not like it's abnormal".
"but.." hanbin pauses, squeezing y/n's hands for comfort. "it's.. i wanna be a good leader, i don't wanna discourage anyone, i have to—"
"hanbin" y/n whispers, cutting into his sentence. "it's okay, you don't have to constantly pretend to be okay, you shouldn't have to feel like you need to hide how you truly feel".
hanbin bites his inner cheek, y/n isn't done talking yet. "that's not being a bad leader, you already are a good leader, whoever tells your not, clearly has no idea what your talking about".
at the words, hanbin gives a small smile, they somehow calm his nerves, and y/n brushes his hair out of his face. "i like your smile".
hanbin chuckles, looking away as his face goes red. "really?"
"yes, and your dimples" y/n states, poking his cheek as hanbin laughs and turns away once again.
y/n opens the door, guiding hanbin into their shared room and to his bed. hanbin pauses, and y/n raises an eyebrow.
"i.. i can't go back to sleep".
y/n clicks his tongue, and hanbin sits on his bed sighing. he watches as y/n reaches towards his own nightstand and takes out his phone, scrolling through it, like he was looking for something.
"here you go" hanbin's eyes flicker down to his phone, and y/n takes out his earphones as he plugs them into the phone. "to help you sleep".
y/n shifts forward, helping hanbin put them on himself. "to help you sleep".
hanbin blinks, listening as seasons by wave to the earth begins playing through the earphones. he feels extremely loved, and y/n smiles as he notices hanbin relax.
"thank you" hanbin mumbles, a smile coming to his face as y/n just nods, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
"don't worry about the two youngest" y/n reminds him. "i'll wake them up in the morning, you get your sleep okay?"
hanbin seems to want to hesitate, but y/n gives him a 'you better not disagree' look, and he nods.
for once, hanbin can comfortably.
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