As she tried desperately to identify an emotion, she could find nothing but disbelief. Sheâd chastised herself for being paranoid when sheâd bought the test, disregarding the heavy, tender breasts and the frequency at which she stripped off layers, sweating despite the unusually cold spring.
Her life had been more perfect than she ever dared hope. Her family proved to be her greatest achievement, a fact sheâd never have believed to be true as a dedicated etymology student. Despite her carefully laid out 30-year life plan, she had been blessed with 3 beautiful children - the first, her charming daughter, came as a complete shock to her at 22, followed five years later by her precious boys.
She had since come to believe that her life had indeed been too perfect. Perhaps sheâd been given more than she deserved. Perhaps sheâd been ungrateful, not sacrificed enough to maintain the perfect balance she seemed to have found.
Laytonâs death had changed her and she knew it. She laughed, but less freely than before. She loved, but more carefully now. She felt that sheâd been naĂŻve to think that she was immune to the hardships others seemed to be blighted by and vowed never to be so again. Sheâd believed her life to have resettled into a new order - and again, fate had dealt her a hand sheâd never foreseen. She was pregnant.
As she began to calm her racing mind somewhat, she was hit by a new realisation - she felt guilty. Skin-crawlingly, stomach-churningly guilty. Images appeared in her mindâs eye - of her heavily pregnant, still working as much as she could. Of a highchair at the kitchen table at breakfast. Of Gracie encouraging a toddler to walk unaided while TS took notes. Of a new family photo, both parents and three children again, only different.
As her thoughts turned to Layton, she attempted to blink back the tears but they formed too quickly and were soon gliding unchecked down her flushed cheeks. Would he think sheâd tried to replace him? That he would be missed less without the empty seat at the table to mark his absence? She was interrupted by an unexpected movement, the bedroom door opening to reveal her husband entering, moving towards her hesitantly, concern evident in his features as he sat on the bed beside her, She wanted to tell him, for him to make things right again, but the lump in her throat prevented it.
Instead, she moved herself into his lap, grateful for his solid presence, and pressed her face into his neck, his familiar scent soothing her. âIâm pregnant, loveâ, she managed, the words muffled by his shirt collar. He only held her more tightly and she knew that heâd heard. After a moment, she leaned away from his embrace to look directly into his eyes.
âIt wonât be the same. It doesnât fix thingsâ she said quietly yet with conviction. His eyes portrayed the pain her words prompted.
âOf course it wonât. The past can never be altered and the future will never erase the loss of our child. Our son, honey - our Layton - nothing will ever take him from us. A new baby is a new beginning, you have no reason to feel bad, Layton wouldnât want time to stand still because he isnât here, would he?â. His words prompted a fresh flood of tears, but she smiled bravely at his comment.
âNo, heâd love a baby brother or sister to teach all of his mischievous ways to. His heart was so big.â. Her voice cracks as she speaks, but the image of her son pushing his sibling in his beloved truck warms her heat.
Sheâs sitting on his low bed, as she does at least once a day, when she feels the first twinges that signify that the time has come to greet her baby. As she shifts her weight and begins to rub soothing circles into her swollen abdomen, she silently seeks her son. He is always with her, she carries him in her heart wherever she goes, but she feels particularly connected with him when surrounded by his worldly possessions. âHey baby,â she greets him in her mind, âlooks like your sibling is ready to make an appearance soon. I wish you were here with me, I know youâd reassure Gracie and TS that everything is going to be okay. But I want you to know that wherever you are, this baby will have 3 older siblings, nothing can change that, babyâ. She pauses, a stronger pain courses through her body, momentarily distracting her. After it subsides, she stands, crossing the room to collect the necessary baby items sheâll need to take to the hospital. She takes a moment to smooth the blanket laying atop the crib and smile at the thought of her new daughter sleeping under the protective gaze of her big brother.
