Covered In Rain @headfullofashes - Tumblr Blog

3 September 2025

I need to stop doing this, but I think it is necessary. I will do anything to go through this madness that in my head.

I was watching a korean drama, after a long hiatus of not watching any. it was a fantasy-romance, a friend to love trope. classic, isn't it? it was only 6 episodes, yet successfully captured the beauty of friendship that turns into love story.

I cannot help but reminiscing, back then, when I had my time with dvb, it was probably me longing for a friendship that I didn't have throughout my time at the office. I was starving for someone that can be my friend, be my "us against the world" thingy. I was wrong, obviously, but I kinda glad it was not romantic (by the time I wrote this, at least). I knew I didn't want a romantic relationship.

I keep reminiscing how he was attentive, in a way that I never experienced before. He kept doing things that I probably needed at the time, and when he stopped, I crave for more.

I never had the kind of attention he gave me. It was not flirty, it felt like a bread that just came out of the oven. It was warm and was given to me almost daily, I was fed well.

I still kept all the things between us that happened, just to remind myself that it was not a just a dream. This chronic delusion disease of mine sometimes get in way of reality that I had.

He was probably right, I did expect something from him, when I shouldn't.

I didn't blame him tho, I am blaming myself, as always.

It is still hard for me to look at him everyday at the office. I kinda want to forget that we shared something special (for me only, I doubt he felt the same) back then.

I wonder when this is all ends.

Unfairness

It felt unfair that I always write about sadness instead of happiness here.

but yet again, this is my last resort. I have collected sadness that I have from the present, the past and probably borrowed it from and the future, and because of that I need to release the feeling tank in order to let another feeling coming.

I wholeheartedly aware that these collective sadness might be a sign for me to surrender to Allah, as I am drifting apart from Him. I barely even talk to Him on daily basis, intentionally ignore His calls and not doing enough in praising Him.

But this post is not intended to push anybody nor even pushing God to make my du'a come true. I am just describing what I feel, what I think I need this time around.

Truthfully, I am also aware that nothing I experience right now will be permanent, it will pass. definitely. but isn't that feeling helpless and feeling the urge to do something to change from the bad to the good was normal? I think that is what I am always try to do. I was taught that when you make mistake, you try to change it. you corrected it. yet, it is almost like every time I try to change it, to corrected it, I somehow always making it worse. and being in an environment that demand perfection and tolerate no mistake, adds the salt to the wound. Lol.

When helplessness came, deep down I always hope for somebody to come and say "it's okay, you can try again. you have done your best." and I would love if the saying was coming from somebody but me.

I have (or so I feel) the upmost care and trust to myself. I believe in myself 100%, but somehow reality keep knock those believe to the ground. I think I just need somebody come to me and say the thing I needed to hear, to give me little energy to face this world again. If the confidence came from myself, but the reality keep showing you the opposite, it's dreading you down. mentally. and no matter how you learn to get up from the beating, if only you alone who help yourself, it felt not enough. I feel like you still need somebody.

I have had this somebody for a while. It felt good but when he's starting to being disrespectful to me, I left him. It was not easy, but I choose myself. I should not be this starving person that is willing to let myself being disrespected, only to get breadcrumbs. When he was gone, I felt wobbly again. The urge to comeback just to have what I had was huge, but I resist. for me, it's enough proof that I believe in myself wholly.

I have not lost my grasp to the Divine being, yet I just wish that He would sent me this particular somebody, for myself, to just help me get through the bad days.

letsbelonelytogetherr

— Fortesa Latifi; everything there is

headfullofashes

Ramble Damble

Today, I had casual convo with Buns. it felt good, we hadn't talk for a while now, and it's a total lie if I said I didn't miss him. I do. and although the convo was diff then the usual, or should i say, the way it used to be, it was still not enough. I miss how we always talk back then... it felt like I had a friend, or at least somebody that I could rely to. I understand fully that I should not rely myself on anybody, but it always felt good when I talked to him.

I don't know whether it's love or loneliness that makes me feel that way, but I always have this urge to be vulnerable with him, to open up myself to him, not just as colleague, but at least as a friend. I also aware that I shouldn't assume, but there is also a feeling that I shouldn't let myself do that, because a rejection that will come to me. 100 percent.

I think at this age, I passed the era where I was insecure about looks, which I am. I think, wholeheartedly that I am worthy and good-looking. I don't feel ugly, but then, lots of circumstances seems to bring those securities down. I sometimes feel like, a lot of people, men in this case, and Buns in particular, are hesitant or like (this is probably me being dramatic) ick-ing to be around me. like, I can tell from their body language, they drew this line that I should not cross.

Although it's hard I keep telling myself, it wasn't my fault, it was some sort of protection from Allah that I should avoid zina. it was not because I am not pretty, it was just a protection from Allah.

I keep telling myself that should I not have rizq in a form of spouse, I will be fine. I will be okay. because I don't want to rush things, I wanted to find like the one that I need, not the one I wanted. but seeing the circumstances that I always been in, which is surrounded by people that I should not fall in love with, I sometimes wonder where will Allah take me.

Should this be love, then Buns will be the second. the first one is quite bad as well, I kept the love to my self, as always, and I bear the heartbreak alone, I cried myself to sleep alone, I passed it alone as well.

I will be fine, as always. the storm will pass, it's just that the effort to be dancing while being inside the storm, is quite challenging.

Yah gitu deh.

headfullofashes

not long after this, I decided to depart myself from him, or the Idea that I had of him. I decide to choose me, to respect myself, to not let myself be floored by him, or anybody, Even losing him is the consequences. the hurt feels familiar, so I greeted it with open arms.

I was wrong, as always. the persistence, which keeps telling me to fight for my relationship with him, finally showed it true self, it was delusion.

Nevertheless, I am sure it will pass, I just gotta see the light from this darkness, biar gak kejedot. :)

The silence I am experiencing now will be remembered and missed someday, when I went to bed, tired, no energy left, due to activities I did with people I love, and love me back.

Ramble Damble

Today, I had casual convo with Buns. it felt good, we hadn't talk for a while now, and it's a total lie if I said I didn't miss him. I do. and although the convo was diff then the usual, or should i say, the way it used to be, it was still not enough. I miss how we always talk back then... it felt like I had a friend, or at least somebody that I could rely to. I understand fully that I should not rely myself on anybody, but it always felt good when I talked to him.

I don't know whether it's love or loneliness that makes me feel that way, but I always have this urge to be vulnerable with him, to open up myself to him, not just as colleague, but at least as a friend. I also aware that I shouldn't assume, but there is also a feeling that I shouldn't let myself do that, because a rejection that will come to me. 100 percent.

I think at this age, I passed the era where I was insecure about looks, which I am. I think, wholeheartedly that I am worthy and good-looking. I don't feel ugly, but then, lots of circumstances seems to bring those securities down. I sometimes feel like, a lot of people, men in this case, and Buns in particular, are hesitant or like (this is probably me being dramatic) ick-ing to be around me. like, I can tell from their body language, they drew this line that I should not cross.

Although it's hard I keep telling myself, it wasn't my fault, it was some sort of protection from Allah that I should avoid zina. it was not because I am not pretty, it was just a protection from Allah.

I keep telling myself that should I not have rizq in a form of spouse, I will be fine. I will be okay. because I don't want to rush things, I wanted to find like the one that I need, not the one I wanted. but seeing the circumstances that I always been in, which is surrounded by people that I should not fall in love with, I sometimes wonder where will Allah take me.

Should this be love, then Buns will be the second. the first one is quite bad as well, I kept the love to my self, as always, and I bear the heartbreak alone, I cried myself to sleep alone, I passed it alone as well.

I will be fine, as always. the storm will pass, it's just that the effort to be dancing while being inside the storm, is quite challenging.

Yah gitu deh.

28 December 2023

Today is one of the days where I feel insecure about everything. Should we list them out to get them out of my mind? I probably need to. Oh well, here goes nothing.

Career

This has (or always been) my biggest insecurity. It's usually lead to other insecurities and since I started this blog, up until now, this issue never left. It's like... I almost have bad blood with all companies that I work for. Does this mean something? Does it mean that I'm not fit for corporate jobs?

Around this time, I am 10-months in becoming Office Manager. My supervisor dislike me, the work is too much, I feel like I don't have any work-mates, work-wise I don't have any support. I feel like I am not capable, I doubt my skill despite I know for sure that the mistake I did were considered normal.

I, too, looking for other opportunity. But yeah, job searching was and is, still not easy for me. I applied here and there with no results (I know it's a "yet", but when I wrote this, "no result" is all I have). Not even a reply saying my application *at least* being considered.

2. Other things.

Insecurity no 1 oftentimes, leads to another. The rejection, the irresponsive, the ghosting I experienced, not only from job-searching, but also from personal life, aka friends, adds-up negative assumption I have in my head. It's so hard not to affirm these negative thoughts in my head when things you experienced feels like supporting these thoughts. Recently, one of my friend borrow my money because she said she got scammed. She already returned all the money, but then.. she asks, might I add, casually, whether I have credit cards for her to buy new cellphone. I do have, and it will not screwing up my cash flow but somehow I feel being used. It happened not only with that particular friend, but I feel several friends of mine using me for my money. By the time I wrote this, one thought pops up in my head. it says "Maybe it happened because you allow it to happen." It...might be true... but like, I'm just trying to be nice, you know? to lend a hand to people, let alone my friend, who needs it. But then again, I don't know. sometimes it's just my cynical, realistic head. I should see the good in people, I need to.

I know I should trust Allah for everything, it's just sometimes, which I think, it's normal and human to feel like this. I just need to let it out so it will not consume me.

Until next time.

21 Dec 2023

it's the day you saw him posted his gf on ig story. You feel strange afterwards and after a careful consideration, you decide that it was not the flame of jealously that creeps into your heart. It was sadness, your old friend. Sadness slowly climbs your head, making you dizzy. You wonder when will you experience that sort of simple yet heartwarming moment. To have somebody that is proud of you, they find you beautiful and they wanted the world to know. .

.

anditslove

Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

anditslove

Matt Haig, The Comfort Book

This app will always be my sanctuary...

christ-l0ver

And it is when you learn to cry out to God before even mentioning your struggles to people, that you feel that peace that surpasses understanding.

wholeheartedsuggestions

small things can be healing.

a warm, sunny day with a light blue sky / stargazing while laying in the cool grass / the look of natural beauty you only get with blooming flowers / a comfort meal you make for yourself / newly cleaned sheets / socks still warm from the dryer / the smell of your favorite person on your clothes / a cool shower after a hot, busy summer day / the immersion into a story when you start a book you can’t put down / contagious laughter that just keeps getting fueled by itself / the first scene of your favorite movie starting

even little details mean so much. they can mend a person bit by bit.

fiery-blue-firefly

“I’ve never met anyone who became instantly mature. It’s a painstaking process that God takes us through, and it includes such things as waiting, failing, losing, and being misunderstood - each calling for extra doses of perseverance.”

— Charles Swindoll

livethemovie

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt.

Her (2013) Dir. Spike Jonze

shesgotwhatittakes

While cleaning out my room I found a paper that my therapist gave me some time ago to deal with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. Sorry the paper is a little crinkled and stained, but I figured I’d post it in hopes that it will help someone like it helped me.

shesgotwhatittakes

Here it is again with text for anyone who can’t see the picture

That thought isn’t helpful right now.

Now is not the time to think about it. I can think about it later.

This is irrational. I’m going to let it go.

I won’t argue with an irrational thought.

This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need.

This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t.

I don’t have to be perfect to be OK.

I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it.

It’s OK to make mistakes.

I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational.