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A Kiss of Cancer

As I sit in the exam room waiting for my specialist to come in, I think to myself about how I’m back in this room and question how many times I’ve been here. I was diagnosed when I was 23 and in a couple of weeks I’ll be 28. In the past month and half I have lost close to 30lbs and the colon cancer growths are back unfortunately which is why I’m sitting back in this room to go over what’s next. My specialist walks in after a couple of moments and asked me how the radiation has been going and if my lymph node have started to diminish away from the swelling. I was taken back for a second and asked him what he was talking about only because I thought we had ruled out lymphoma a couple of weeks ago with my primary doctor and that I hadn’t been on any form of radiation, to found out that the paperwork in his hand was for me, and it wasn’t a mix-up; it's more than just the colon cancer this time. The swelling of the lymph nodes indicated it was some form of cancer, as we have ruled out all other possibilities with multiple panels of blood work. I now have to see a hematologist and look at my options as I mentally prep myself for what will be my 4th preventative surgery for removing the cancerous growths and also conduct a biopsy during the surgery. My specialist last words to me before leaving was that he’s been a physician before and that this wasn’t something to sleep on, and he was concerned, as I have tried my best to cope with this, as I already knew even before stepping into the exam room again that I would be having another surgery and that all the symptoms were back. Even my boyfriend tried his best to make sure I was taking care of myself, but in reality it’s scary because I don’t want to have a 4th surgery. For the past couple weeks, I have ignored it; pretending I never heard the diagnoses. I’ve gone through enough complications and visits to the ER from my past surgeries to not want to go through with this surgery scheduled for next month.

The healing process is painful and even with the painkillers it doesn't fully numb the pain away. I have a couple more weeks until I’m on the medical table again, surrounded by my surgeon and his team as they remove those cancerous growths. I waited until I was in the car to let my tears run down my face as I weeped driving away, processing my recent doctor's appointment. I'm healing from the news and mental preparing myself now that I’m on a different journey as I prep myself for my 4th surgery.

Two Against One

Waiting in my specialist office I get called over to the receptionist desk. Their was an issue with my insurance that caused them to cancel my appointment; I had valid insurance but it wasn’t updated so the system so it booted me out. Fortunately one of the nurses asked why I was coming in today, I had explained to her about my visit to the ER earlier in the month and a few moments later I’m sitting in the exam room waiting for my specialist to come in and explain what’s going on with me. Two weeks before I had seen my primary doctor and had a serious conversation about my symptoms and what was discovered during my visit at the ER with the CATScan and labs. The reality is that cancer was back on the table of possibilities of why I feeling off and it scared the hell out of me. My specialist comes into the exam room holding a folder; my folder. It has been quite some time since I’ve seen him. Almost two year without doctors, screening and surgeries because I was healthy… but that’s era of peace is now gone. To discover today my old growths are growing back, and that there is a now new form of cancer from what the CATScan, labs, and testing have shown them. Earlier today before I had my appointment my dad randomly told me, we go through certain experiences in life for us to grow. He’s not aware of my current situation, hard to break the news to unfortunate. As I perp myself to go back on the operating table in two weeks. I look back at what my dad said and reflect on those words of wisdom. I told my mom over lunch as much as I didn’t want to bear her anymore pain I had to let her know it was back but this time it came with an unwelcome friend. She did her best by telling me “You got to fight, parents shouldn’t have to bury there kids first… kids are supposed to bury there parents…. You’ll get through this.”

As I run down the staircase with Wynter and Yuna, I hear my dad through the kitchen door upset and loud in the kitchen. I hear my mom trying to clam him down. My heart sank because my gut knew it couldn’t be any good. My dad isn’t one to cry or get upset or show his feelings; my entire life I have only seen him show those raw emotion twice. He’s a 80 year old stubborn Hispanic male with the energy of a 30 year old man with a heart of gold. But with today news his reaction made sense once my sister called me to share the unfortunate. I wouldn’t want to be my dad and get the new of his sister being taken of life support. Unfortunately my aunt was taken off life support yesterday. My prayers go out to her daughter E. and granddaughter M. my two favorite cousins. I have few memories with my aunt, one is her gifting me a Power Ranger RC car on my birthday and her warm hugs. I remember her babysitting me down the street from my parents when I was growing up in South Norwalk and putting Vaseline in my hair thinking I was Danny Zuko not knowing it wasn’t hair gel and her trying to get it out. As well as the time I dropped a whole roll of toilet paper in her toilet and hide afterwards when I couldn’t flush it. I have a heavy heart and my prayers go out to my Cousins and her love ones that are going through this lost. I can recall the last time I saw my aunt, she was with her husband at the grocery, I could recognize her from a mile away with her long beautiful black onyx hair always in a ponytail and her wearing a white sun dress; she always wore dresses… I don’t think I every saw her in anything else. She had a statement lipstick on and every time we would bump into it each other she would ask about her brother; my dad. My family isn’t close like most but she always asked for him and that meant a lot to me because she always sent her love. I wish you all the best auntie in your next life and that you find peace now.

I’ll keep fighting

I’ve decided to get back to blogging after taking a sabbatical or absences from doing so; it’s been over a year since my last post titled “What is a friend?” It was about how hurt I was by the people around me. But it wasn’t just them... I was hurting the people around me as well. I have hurt so many people by pushing them away. To every last one of them I am sorry.... I wasn’t taught how to deal with the cards dealt to me at that time. I’m sorry for being so numb and unattached to this world, for being so cold.

I was 23 being told I cancer would be the end of me, 23 facing homelessness, 23 sewing my former employer for inequality. I’m 25 now.... I have played the universe’s game with the cards that they have dealt. We go back and fourth game after game they wins one... I win one. But lately their the one only winning.

As of February 12.... I’m no longer in the beginning stages of colon cancer. It’s too aggressive, I have had 3 surgeries now and a couple treatments.... the last one being January 23. My surgeon was able to burn away what he could... but delivered the bad news that it’s keeps coming back... but more aggressive than before. He had to send out a biopsy to see where I’m at in the battle with cancer. I draw out my sword and stand up to it swing after swing and it is relentless; not backing down. But I have hope and fire inside and I’m gonna keep swinging until it is no longer relentless until it crumbles. Because I love Ellis too much to leave him here. I made a promise to my mom to help her get her license. I told my sister she could always count on me. I can’t leave them yet. So because of those promises and the people I love I won’t give up, I get up everyday at 6am to watch the sunrise with Wynter now, I look over Ellis every morning and I pray that I get healthier. Because this life is worth fight for. Because I can’t lose anyone else because cancer stepped into my life.

I’ll keep fighting...

What is a friend?

I use to be very strong on friendships and bonds... but that’s no longer the case for me anymore. I’ve come to the point in my life where I have cut ties with people I’ve considered best friends and even family; people I knew for years, because it wasn’t healthy for me to stay in those relationships.

I blocked people to give them the message that I’ve moved on. I’ve unblocked them to show them I don’t hate them, that I just no longer want anything to do with them. Because regardless how many good times you have with someone, when your in a hole that’s hard to get out of, you begin to see who’s there by your side.

I think this is more for the group of friends I had last year. I know I wasn’t my best self, constantly thinking about death and this thing called cancer growing inside me. It made me constantly upset and moody which I’m sorry about, but I’m not going to continue to apologize for become ill and having real emotions about it. Emotions so new to me.

But I do know I would of never treated any of you guys the way I was treated. I wouldn’t have ghosted you, ignored text messages, or calls. I wouldn’t have gone days without texting, yet watch my Instagram story like my life is some sad show. And I wouldn’t have bumped into you at a party and lied about oh yeah I meant to text you sometime to have lunch after I had asked you for help.

To that group of friends, I’m sure you know who you guys are. I’m happy right now in my life. I’m very happy... I wish each one of you all the best in your successes with all your projects, but deep down you guys hurt me and I’m not okay with letting anyone back in all of a sudden.

What bothers me more is that I told you all how I felt, how much I trusted you guys, yet nothing came from that conversation. The only thing that changed is that while you all had your fun, hung out or chilled... I was alone and sick, very close to taking my life. Because after a while when your sick and your “friends” leave you out to hang; ghosting you, one reaches a sad point where life doesn’t matter anymore.

I don’t ever want to reach that point where I get depressed because I feel lonely. I have felt so lonely my entire life, with my half sibling not talking to me cause of my sexuality, to the loss of family member I wish were still here. I’ve always been the new kid... 8 different schools before high school because of bullying... so when I made a friend it meant something to me, you guys didn’t know that. Because I shouldn’t have to explain the importance of friends or family.

Lately I’ve been very careful who I let into my life, because for once I feel like I’m back in control of this life, and I’m going to do my best to stay happy as long I can.

38 SECONDS

I’m laughing and just enjoying the vibe in the room. We’re debating about #blacklivesmatter, cops, social justice in a room full of creatives. Talking about Childish Gambino and how cool it is that SLAM is going to bring his album to life as an exhibit. University of Bridgeport students bringing an album to life. It was it perfect until life changed in just 38 seconds. My phones started ringing... I see the caller ID and it’s my dad. “Hola, Papi!”.... than my dad spoke...“I’m going to need you to find a way home, your mom is in the hospital.” I ask one question. “Which hospital is she in?” ... I grabbed my bag re-entering this perfect moment that I was no longer a part of; everyone was laughing and taking part of. I said goodbye to my friend and rushed out the side-door. I just start running in the rain towards the hospital. I let my brother know since he’s not close by to call so my mom so she didn’t feel alone. That maybe his voice would cheer her up. I told my sister to get to the hospital to make sure my dad had support until I got there. She received that call from my brother and my sister made her way to the hospital. I just kept pushing myself through the rain. My shoes were soaked from the puddles and I called a friend to pick me up. But I just kept going... I didn’t want to just wait. I made it Kolbe... stood in front of the church begging the universe, god, anyone to hear my prayers. I was soaked, praying to keep her here. Stated that I still very much need my mother. That I will do anything if she comes out stronger then she went in; to save her. I have always felt like my parents keepers. Shielding them from this world. Ever since I was little, I would make my mom lunch, grab my dad his slippers. Read the mail to my mom because she didn’t understand the language as she was a new comer to the States. I made it my responsibility to make sure my parents were safe way before adulthood. They took care of me as best they could, and now it time to pick up the torch. Family means no one gets left behind; something I still believe in.

LEBAR...

You ever just look at something as clear as day but deep down your having a hard time dealing with the reality of what’s in front of you. As much as I wanted to make it up... I now see I can’t; knowing that a friendship is lost... you look back at it. You see the good and the turning point throughout it. Right now it’s like I’m watching this movie and the credits are now rolling. Tonight I told myself to let it go. I tried reaching out and I got my answer. I got silence... white noise which makes me feel ghostly. I think I’m writing this to vent out what I’m feeling, to deal with it better. That I’m little alone because it’s a flesh wound that now needs to heel. It wasn’t a lose to me... He was a friend, those memories won’t change, the laughs still echo, and the insider will simply go into a box now. I don’t have anymore hurt feelings just that I can respect your choice. Thank you LeBar, you changed by life, regardless of the outcome.

HAPPY AND SAD

I met this guy recently... it’s a nice connection. Tonight I opened up to him more. We spoke about my blog. That before this conversation or the fact that we were now inches from one another he read my blog. He had read my posts, heard my cries and felt my pain. I spoke about why I stopped writing the last couple months and in doing so I could feel the tears start to drip down my cheek. I was just going through too much all at once. Most days became a fog, some days worse than others. Being sick just started to take a bigger toll on me. I no longer wanted to share my life, or any aspect of it.

I was happy and sad while those tears ran down my face. I came to to realize I went through a lot last year. That I’m stronger than I look. Even with two surgeries and treatment, nothing came close as losing a connection with one of my best friends. I was happy in the moment because I don’t have to worry about any surgeries until I go back in March. As of early January, no new cancerous growths. But I was sad because I lost more than my health last year, I lost a friend.

I think that’s when I started to cry because it hit me again. He’s not there, that’s it’s really been two months now since I reached out... I haven’t talked about him because it bothers me sometimes. I don’t care what anyone says, losing a friend sucks.

IM BACK....

It’s been a period of time since posting or sharing my life with my follows on Instagram. I have enjoyed my time away from this platform to allow myself the time needed in order to stand back on my feet. To better myself, because let’s be honest... I’m KISS THE HURRICANE. More importantly I’m a force of nature. I’m finally back on my feet. My health is improving. My mental health is better than ever. The last couple weeks have shown me what I’m truly capable of, and that even when I fall on my ass that I always get back up stronger. This is my comeback. So for everyone watching... get ready. I’m launch my website which ties into a charity/foundation I am establishing over in Ecuador. I will be traveling to 4 countries this year to learn hands on, and more importantly I’m healthy enough to be back at University. I’m kicking ass and this marks the moment in my life where I’m Happy.

GLASS

Dreaming last night I could feel you by my side. I could see your face as clear as day. I heard your voice when you spoke. I haven’t seen you in weeks yet last night you haunted my dreams with your presence. I think about you everyday but have distanced myself because it was time I moved on. It’s time I let go. I tried my best to be a friend, to just be there, but at the end I felt like glass and you just saw past me. You were my favorite person and the moment I was dealt with hand full of obstacles you moved on completely. I think about texting and calling you to see how your doing. But I ask myself why haven’t you? Why haven’t you tried? I haven’t dreamt about you since the summer. Yet in my dream we talked and you hugged me, your held on too me; and the pain washed away. I didn’t want to let go; the moment I did you faded away and I woke. I woke up gasping for air wondering when or what moment had changed everything between us. Why do I still miss you? When will I stop thinking about you? When will you name no longer have meaning? In time all those questions will have an answer. As for now; I’ll miss you until time takes you away completely.

Spain Will Heal My Pain

I heard his words. I made my decision. Cancer is real and painful. My next appointment is in a couple months; a week before I make my move overseas. I won’t be gone for long, maybe a couple weeks or whenever I choose to come back. With today’s news... I need to embark on this bigger journey of self discovery. Spain is calling my heart, soul, and being. I’m not sure what I’ll find. Maybe I’ll get lost, maybe I’ll find another piece of me, maybe I’ll find self-love. Because I’m young and the risk factors are higher has now changed the course of my life forever. I’m not sad or upset about the news. We all have a timeline it doesn’t mean because it is short one can’t fully their purpose. The sad truth is that it is slowly spreading, slowly but still spreading. Which is why I am in a different state of mind these day. I still find happiness in the things I do and the cancer doesn’t take that away from living my life. I’m in good hands, and I know regardless what happen I have had a blessed and beautiful life.

Human Torch

This first half of the semester has really tested me as a student in the classroom as well outside in the world. In the beginning of the semester I was doing great. It wasn’t until a couples weeks in, where I felt that things had fallen apart, when in fact it was only a state of mind and not my reality. I had considered withdrawing from the semester completely talking to university’s faculty about my options. The fact was I could no longer balance 6 classes, work, and family. As well that I am in the beginning stages of colon cancer and had to prepare myself mentally and psychically for yet another surgery. I began missing classes because of falling ill once again, and with the surgery as well as recovery more time would be lost which effected my performance to do the smallest things. There was a moment when I broke down because I couldn’t complete my homework due to certain hardships this semester. But something inside me kept pushing me on not giving up. The surgery had went well last week. But it wasn’t until hours later where one trip from my bed to the bathroom door turned into a trip of me falling into the coffee table and eventually hitting my head on the tile floor. I had felt the world around me just disappear seconds before the fall, a cloud of darkness took over. I had hit my head extremely hard against the surface going unconscious for an unknown amount of time until my dad helped me. It was a very scary situation, in that moment I couldn’t do anything because the fall had effected my sight and motor skills. Once at the ER, they ran an EKG, as well as a couple CAT scans and other test to see what had caused the fall. I was cleared to go home after everything came back with little concerns. Back home I started recovery with a massive amount of sleep and dozens of hot showers daily to relieve the pain; the heat helped a lot. At one point I felt like the Human Torch. If I wasn’t sleeping I was showering or in the sauna. Next week I’ll find out the next steps to take in this journey as a Virgo with Cancer; rather I start chemo therapy or radiation therapy. Both possibilities no longer scare me like before. I made myself a promise that I am not going to let it consume me and that I will take every opportunity possible to keep myself uplifted and going. I have a dream too big to just give up on and with every effort I’ll continue my “Little” fight. Cause it’s a kiss of cancer on my body but my soul and spirit will remain cancer free; and that’s what keeps me going now. This new ideology that it’s my vessel fighting not my soul because it’s the one thing Cancer can’t touch and that it is going to work out. Everything is now turning around, school has turned around drastically, meeting new people has also giving me a different perspective on life. As well as joining the UB Green Club which is a dream, as well as volunteering and focusing my spare time on becoming an advocate of our Environment as I want to spend the rest of my life protecting this beautiful planet from the human waste and man made pollution, because I can no longer stand by and watch what is happening continue to happen to the beautiful world of ours.

#cancer #ellen degeneres #gayboy #lover #fighter #virgo #love #environment #ecuador #entrepreneur #gay man #gay guy #gaylove #charlie chaplin

SEPTEMBER NEVER ENDS

September is a big a month for me starting off with my birthday on the 1st. It is also a time of reflection. September is also National Suicide Month and National Honey Month; both hold a place in heart. Would it be ironic to say September is bitter sweet? I have personally dealt with the bitter part of the statement. I am very open about my issues in life because it has definitely helped others with the battles and obstacles faced in their own lives. Which is why I reached out for professional help after waking up on my birthday. I had hit a wall... I had allowed every negative thought to effect my being and very existence. This birthday was supposed to be my last. I had planned to take my life with the same prescription pills that are supposed to keep me going, but I woke up instead and cried. I wished my parents had remembered their child’s birthday, I even wish someone had given me a birthday card. I even wished I had a birthday cake to blow out my candles and make an actual wish. Or even had my siblings sing me happy birthday. But none of my wishes came true except for one. Which was to spend the rest of my birthday finding purpose and forgot about that morning. I had spent the last remaining hours with a friend playing corn hole outside the cinema in SoNo. In that time I realized sometime the little moments leave the biggest impact. Those laughs and jokes shared where all very much real which is what made my birthday worthwhile towards the end. Those few hours gave me some hope because usually everyone sees the smile or hears the laughs.... but nobody really cares to hear the inconvenient truth. They just want the good.... people say there going to be there and then they disappear when it gets rough. I look back to everyone who has ever needed my help, dropping my world and everything in it in ordered to help them. But that has never been the case for me. Nobody drops their world for me. Sometimes it makes me feel like a walking ghost as if I’m invisible ... sometimes even used. For whatever reason I didn’t overdose on the prescription of opioids and heart medication I had, which made me wonder? Why am I still here when I should be dead. But I’m not, I’m here and it’s times I address the real issues in my life, with professional help. Cancer is nothing compared to the Depression and PTSD I battle daily. I’m in a fragile state of my life right now. But I’m telling myself once again to get up on your feet and just keep walking that’s its just another hurtle. One day I’ll look back at this in a couple years like I do with my previous post and I’ll see the growth in between that time. Until then I am going to be okay one day at a time.

LAMBORGHINI AVENTADOR

Today after my Business Communications class I went to the beach to do some thinking... and as I sat on the rocks that boarded up against the sand I thought about what’s next, in that moment I spotted an empty green Spirt bottle washing up a shore. I got upset faster than a Lamborghini Aventador could hit 0 to 60 in 2.9 seconds. So in those 2.8 seconds of being upset I just thought about all the pain this has caused someone. As if it was a slide show of everything relating to pollution, natural disasters, rising sea levels and death caused from hazardous waste. I see this slide show in my head when I see someone littering. I also see this slide show when I see plastic waste embedded in the sand across the world beaches. As well when reading about 300 sea turtles washing up on shore because someone threw netting into the ocean and didn’t care to dispose of it correctly. But I think I was more upset with myself for taking this long to realize the importance of caring for OUR PLANET. So I jumped up, grabbed the bottles and went to car. I opened my trunk and grabbed the black garbage bag I recently used for the bottles I recycled at BJ’s. I closed the trunk, picked up my headphones off the floor and played a random playlist. I jumped off the sidewalk over the rocks as some amateur practitioner of parkour... feeling more like Andy where he Michael Scott and Dwight are attempting to do parkour. Luckily I’m not Andy and after sticking my landing I just started picking up empty bottles, bags of chips, styrofoam plates, cigarettes buds, pieces of broken metal, and much more. Within the hour the bag was almost full and unfortunately I had to leave to get back to university. It made me think more about how to go about my ambitions in life and gave me more certainty of my dream of become a philanthropist, becoming successful enough to help others. I’m going to be doing this a lot more fitting time to clean up the beaches even if I have to do it myself. Hopefully I start a spark and maybe that spark will start something much bigger, maybe one person can’t change the world, but one person can start the change; advice I got from a new friend.

SIX

I am now 24 years old, and today I took a real look at myself in the mirror. The last six months have been a real plot twist to how I wanted my course in life to take. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, because of events that had taken placed throughout my childhood. It has taken me time to realized that over these past six months I have been in this fog and relapsed of some sought which has effected my life in a negative way. Over the last six months I have also dealt with real life and death health situations that hasn’t helped, but instead threw me in this dark corner of life that I am fighting my way out of now. With the Cancer and recent Heart conditions I have gone under anti depressants as a safety net. I know my warning signs and pick up on patterns. And one pattern I picked up was the drug abuse, lack of eating, lack of sleep, overthinking, and sadly the suicidal thoughts. Certain life events have lead me back to seeking professional help with my Major Depression. I started to seek professional help after I had countless thoughts of taking my life. I had also considered going back to rehabilitation but felt I would have lost more spending time in the facility. It would of been longer this time and with school now I had more to consider. Somehow having enough hope for my business and this semester has kept me out of placing myself back into rehab. I’m trying to keep myself busy these days and get back to a healthy lifestyle in order to get back to the life I once had. I know everyday after this is going to be uplifting and a blessing because I am going to get back to being myself.

ENDING CHAPTER 23

Since my last birthday that I spent in Boston, Massachusetts I have grown a lot and experienced more than I thought I could handle. I have driven about 1,500 miles from North Dakota to Connecticut on a road trip with my sister. In March I was able to watch Ben Simmons shoot from the J and watch the 76ers win with two of my closest friends in Philadelphia on a trip I’ll honestly never forget. I drove an additional 600 miles back and forth to Washington, DC for the March for Life in support of the Parkland students for better gun laws. Back in April I made my first ever Build A Bear that I’ll never forget... “HELLO MAX!” Which was one of the funniest moments in my life. After quitting my job I ended up at Disney with my brother and his family for some time and was able to say goodbye to my grandma house and make peace; for it was the last thing that was tangible and hers. This past year I have also been battling cancer and more recently focusing on improving my heartbeat for having atrial fibrillation. I also Graduated and was able to close my chapter at HCC and start my next chapter at the University of Bridgeport studying International Business in hopes to save the world in some sense. Looking back I have grained so much wisdom and knowledge and even with the obstacles I face I know I’m going to be okay and I have amazing people around me and more importantly I have a future I look forward too.

THE HEALING

I’m not sure when it happened or when it got this bad but unfortunately I must comes to terms of the reality of the seriousness of the situation. Addiction is something I’ve battled in secret, it’s something I’ve always been able to hide. It’s something that I have never bought up because it’s something I’ve always been a shame of. I have come to the conclusion it is time I receive help. And the first thing I need to be is honest about it. I can look back and see certain moments that have tragically changed my life forever and today is one of those days. I’m done allowing one thing to have a grasp on my life anymore. It’s time to heal my mind, body and soul. Meditation and discipline are now key to my healing process as well as seeking professional help.

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