Fuck has my depression spiked to an all time high
Since the last time I was on here.
I was deeply devoted and working hard at a motorcycle dealership as the assistant manager.
I've always wanted to to work at this place growing up and when the opportunity came about in 2017 I was shutting bricks I was soo excited.
Well I got fired and a no trespassing order was served because I got fed up with the new manager.
She was an employee when I first started but jumped off and got a management job in a different dealership, until the original manager I started with quit.
So she came back, per the owner.
I was about to quit too because I needed the money. But she begged me to stay with all kinds of promises to make it bettet.
So I stuck around.
She did keep up with her promises.. some of them, gave me a 3 dollar raise, assistant manager spot and we (..I) remodeled the whole department.
But 3 steps forward and 6 steps back.
She sat at her desk doing inventory 4 times in a row, watching Disney+, shopping or just not on the property at all, literally avoiding all responsibilities.
Covid came about and she had more excuses to not be at the counter.
So I spent the entire worst part of covid dealing with a packed parts department day in and day out.
Yeah I made alot of money and alot of new customers. But when your alone and working a counter it gets stressful..
Through out the year of 2020 I spoke to her several times (4 times) about her behavior, laziness and lack of responsibility and lack of respect to fellow employees and customers. Literally would fight over being wrong even if the proof was in front of her in brightly written words..
It's fine though, I corrected and fixed everything.. with not even an ounce of credit..
December 19th 2020 I had enough, at this point I was fed up.
First, I did smoke pot while at work, yes I sometimes drank while at work too, but I never got to the point I couldn't do my job.
This person was clearing a entire pack (or 2) of fire ball nips, would get so shit faced she had no choice but to hide at her desk because how badly she smelled and how drunk she was.
Then she got pregnant, it started of with being 2 minutes pregnant and literally having more excuses not to do shit than a pregnant mother a 8 months pregnant would.
But it didn't stop her drinking at all.
So I blew up, sent a long asd text about how tired I am of her, how I'm going to tell the necessary people, (not the owner because he couldn't give a single actual fuck about having toxic employees ruining his business) and ruin her reputation.
The result was driving a hour to the local police department 10 at night to sigh papers saying I'll never step foot on the property for a year..
Because I "threatened her". NO I promised to tell her spinless nutless husband and her family along with the employment board and anyone else willing to listen.
Getting fired was sort of a sigh of relief. I could barely keep my head above water working there.
But I've been working for a job that would get myself out of water since before I got fired, now that I'm jobless I was racing against the clock.
Yeah I could grab any job that came my way.
But I spent 3 year drowning in the bills at that place I need to keep up.
600 for the room I rent (yeah it's insane I know)
207 for my truck.
90 for the truck insurance
100 for the negativity bank accounts I was left after a relationship (dont do joint banking)
On top of all that... I was dating a wonderful person.. a beautiful mother to an adorable 2 year old.
My whole life turned around when we started to talk, I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, in fact I didnt want a relationship, even more so with her because at the time she was basically a coworker.
But shit happened and I fell head over heels for her and her daughter.
I started to straighten out my act, cut back on the pot and Newport's, working on cleaning up my drinking.
I started to dress and act like I gave a fuck.
I was turning into a family man and I didnt even plan it.
Before her I was in failed relationship after failed relationship, all with the same issues, me being toxic in some way, but my toxic was fed off of what was going on in the relationship, either way I was in the wrong the whole time..
But meeting her, getting to know her and how her life goes, getting close to her and her family, I was on my best behavior, I was such a gentleman and did the best I could to make it a happy healthy relationship...
January 15th I woke up at 630 am to a text asking if we could be friends. We were together for no longer than a year, but it felt like 6..
With reasons that other than the pot we dont connect, we have a hard time keeping a conversation and were trying to sync while we actually don't.
Our goals were different, even through we talked about what we wanted for out future and we wants the same things.
Shes busy with her daughter that needs a lot of attention as it is and didnt want to get in the way of my atv racing.
The fact I haven't found a job and a complained about one crappy job offer and not finishing a application that was for a 3rd part highering service and in short was a big waste of time..
A list of reasons that absolutely do not make sense and could of been talked over..
I was at her house for the night the day before, not even 24 hours ago I was with her, she couldn't of talked this out first?
I tried to explain that my depression was making shit hard for me during the time.
"I have depression too, you csnt use that ad an excuse"
When I asked why we couldn't talk to out first even if it ended or why we csnt talk now
I was answered with "I have a hard time talking to people"
Well I deal with social anxiety and cant speak to people too. So what the fuck?
She agreed to talk not even 2 months or so ago and it still hadn't happened, it took me until a week ago to get the rest of my crap back..
While all this is going on, after getting fire to now, I have my idiot room mate up my ass, he works at the same place I got fired, when he found out I got canned the only words he can seem to say were "how wre you gonna pay me?" And "you owe me X amount for rent" on a daily, hounding me about if I got my unemployment, (that I have not seen a dime of) or the resent stimulus check, getting on my ass about how I'm getting it in check form and not direct deposit... mind you I gotta find away to pull out 1100 bucks now. But he will not lay off about my money, yet he goes to the bar every other day..
Finding out in August that my dad didn't actually rehome my dogs. Her fucking shot them, while I was actively searching for a home for them because my landlord at the time lied about letting me have my dogs where I lived.
I literally can not be happy for longer than 9 months or less... I was such a different person to the people around me.
The exact opposite of what I used to be in the past and yet I'm still met with the same results in everything I have in my life.
I finally smooth shit out and get on a good healthy happy path and shit starts to burn down around me again and again.
I wanna die but I'm not out right searching for away to end it, I just dont give a fuck anymore. I'm numb and cold and broken..
