here, always || kim namjoon
Anonymous asked:
Namjoon comforts you when he finds you upset please I need this so badly I’m suffering,,,
kim namjoon x reader
summary: namjoon helps you through a bad mental health day
genre: angst/fluff
tw: panic attack
for my favourite anon
The first time he saw me cry was seven months in. Namjoon and I were driving back from the supermarket, bags of shopping jostling in the back seat and the radio quietly playing. I stared resolutely out of the window, barely having spoken since we left. My hands were shaking, so I had put them underneath my legs and was trying to take deep intakes of breath.
I could feel his eyes on me every now and then; the unsaid question “what’s going on?” hung between us. I felt so exasperated with myself. Already an anxious day, the supermarket had almost sent me over the edge. Too many people, too much noise, too much to take in.
I’d had to shut my eyes and hold desperately onto Namjoon’s arm until we walked out. He hadn’t said anything yet – I had told him about my anxiety before, but he had never seen me like this, and I couldn’t help but to feel ashamed.
There was a growing ache behind my eyes, and a spinning sensation in my stomach.
“It was a bit chaotic in there.” Namjoon said, and I turned my head to see his eyes set on the road. It sounded like he had been thinking of what to say for a while, and I wondered how much he understood of what I was feeling. I hummed in agreement, watching his face. His hair was soft and ruffled over his forehead, and his skin smooth and bare. Just looking at him made my breathing start to ease. The car engine rumbled softly.
We didn’t speak again until we got home, at which point he parked and turned in his seat to face me. His eyes were sympathetic, but again he didn’t address it directly.
“Can I make you some tea?”
I couldn’t help but smile shakily, nodding. “Please.”
Namjoon busied himself boiling water, getting out two cups and stirring honey into my drink whilst I sat on the sofa and closed my eyes, feeling exhausted but extremely on edge. He walked over and handed me the mug, his eyes lingering attentively on my trembling hands as I took it from him. We sat together in beautiful quiet, me leaning my head against his shoulder as pulled out his phone to scroll through social media and tilted it to let me watch. It was calming, but my breaths still felt caught in my throat, and I was sure my legs would give way if I stood. I wasn’t registering anything in front of me.
Finally, once I had finished my tea and placed the cup down, he turned his phone off and turned to face me with a tentative look.
“Are you okay?”
My lower lip trembled, and my throat ached. All it took was for him to ask me that.
Tears were suddenly leaking from the corners of my eyes. I couldn’t wipe them fast enough, and a large, warm hand cupped my cheek to wipe under my eyes. I could see that his heart was breaking seeing me like this, but I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. Everything was tipping.
“There’s too much, I have so much to do, I’m-“
“Try to breathe, angel.” He whispered, both hands holding my face now as I crunched my eyes closed.
“I can’t.” I wheezed.
“You can, do it with me, in… and out...” I tried to follow his exaggerated breaths. At first, the panic was too much, but after a while it started to work. I followed his gentle instructions, squeezing his hand hard. Finally, the rhythm slowed until I wasn’t dizzy anymore. Oxygen returned to my lungs.
“That’s it.” He murmured, starting to trace shapes over my palm and fingers. It worked well, distracting me from my clenched breaths, his feathered touch hypnotising.
Once I was breathing normally enough to satisfy him, his arm came around my shoulders and finally pulled me into him. I gripped his shirt, pushing my face into his chest and focusing on how his lips were trailing along my temple and cheek.
My tears were still spilling onto his shoulder.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, but he squeezed me tighter.
“No, don’t do that,” Namjoon spoke lowly in my ear, “it’s all fine. I just want you to be okay.”
“I am, now.” I sigh, relaxing my grip and sinking further into his embrace. He smelled familiar, and he was so warm. My breathing finally even, my mind started to clear. The tears ceased.
“It’s all okay now. I’m here.” He stilled and we lay in silence for a moment. “I’m grateful that you weren’t alone.”
I pulled back and pushed the hair out of my face, wiping under my eyes again. “You made it easier.” At that he smiled, and brushed my cheek with his knuckles.
“Film? Food?” He asked, and I laughed.
“Both, preferably.”
He made ramen whilst I watched him indulgently, and we put an animated film on. Once we had finished eating, my eyelids started drooping, and he guided me so my head rested on his lap. He took off his rings and started to gently stroke through my hair, eyes focused on the screen. But he was frowning like he was thinking hard.
“It’s all gonna be okay, you know?” I tried to let those words sit in me for a moment. “Just tell me when you feel like that, even if it’s only a bit.” He peered down at me anxiously, and I nodded. He tapped my temple lightly. “Let me in here.”
“You’re in there.” I smiled. “And in here.” I touched my chest. At that, he laughed, shaking his head. Then he leaned down to push his lips against mine, cheek nudging my own. His mouth was soft and my lips moved of their own accord against it. He then pressed a long kiss to my forehead.
“Your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. We’ll work on it together.” He pulled back and smiled with dimples, spreading warmth through my tired chest.
“Love you. Thanks for being here.” I mumbled, finally letting my eyes close. His fingers continued their ministrations through my hair and I was asleep in minutes.
“Always.”
<3
