I don't believe I have ever been in a better place with myself.
I don't believe I have ever had such a high standing within myself, toward mysef, in my own mind, if that makes any sense.
So many things happened this past year, things I miss, things that I will never forget, but, I wouldn't change one single step in the process, I would not risk never having started my derby journey.
That quote, about the soul, the "Ruin our bodies to save our soul", one. It is the most perfect thing, in these terms. I found my soul, in derby, I found my blood, bruises, sweat, weaknesses, and underneath it all, the true grit of determination. I found myself, under these ruins of old stories, and hurt, and misonceptions, letdowns, lacking self confidence. For some reason, the way derby heals and breaks you, it's some kind of, soul journey, something hard to explain until you experience it, and never will any amount or combination of words be able to describe it.
Maybe everyone in derby does not feel this way, or never experienced the awakening it brought upon me, but I know I am at least not speaking just for myself.
Where to begin....
At first it's like a whole new world, you feel like an outsider coming into a group of best friends, a team. This team, is not like any other team in any other sport, this team is a true family, this team has an unspoken and seemingly invincible bond, a kind of respect that never has to be preached or demonstrated, it's just there. The things I have seen my derby family pull together and do for one another, whether it be one girl in need or a few girl's families in need, is something I have never experienced firsthand. It's like there are these unwhispered promises that say you will be there for one another, but it isn't a pain, it is never a burden, it is compassion, care, understanding, and willingness.
Then there's the journey, the best and most important part of it all.
I found derby at a perfect time, I feel as if I would never have come as far this past year as I have, without it. Each new recruitment session I see other girls walking in, shoulders low, head down, knocking their abilities and doubting their progress, but weeks in, sometimes months, I see them walk in completely changed, somehow stronger, and not just physically speaking but stronger down to the core of themselves.
I can say that personally, I have become leagues stronger as a person than I ever would have imagined myself. It was almost as if it banished all the clouds and uncertainties from my mind, so for once, I could see the truth, I could see who I was, because to get there, you have to fight through everything that ever made you doubt yourself. You have to overcome your own hangups, setbacks, demons...Somehow, everything you strive for in derby is like a test to your inner self, and with each new breakthrough, you've defeated one more doubt, one more self esteem killer, one more reason in your head that said you can't.
You learn to thrive in the progress of those around you, instead of look upon in envy, or jealously. You learn to applaud the achievements of your teammates, to learn from them without looking down on yourself in comparison, but to look upon them as a means for your goals, as a peer who respects and holds you on an equal level, no matter the skill.
The amount of passion that is put into this sport, makes it what it is. Everyone putting their all, risking their bodies, pushing their limits, and all for different reasons, but somehow, in the end, it always comes down to the soul. With each new breakthrough, each frustration, break, bruise, or seemingly out of reach goal, you test your soul, you build it, hone it, make it shine and cast away every little thing that ever tried to stop you from becoming more and more of yourself, that ever tried to keep you from happiness within yourself.
This is not a lesson that can be taught, but can only be found through trial, and finding strength.
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