Heartless Universe Comix

Now with more gratuitous full frontals!

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What’s wrong with you, you mencing--

Get your own Arrested Development Paper Dolls.

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In the desperate attempt to gain a viewership, the artist reduces himself to little more than a pornographer.

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You know that moment of horror when you realize that you’ve been rewarded for a behavior that harms and devalues you, but which has continued just long enough that you must now either exhibit that behavior forever or start your life over from scratch?

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You can’t keep up with young folks forever. One day you’re like, “I don’t need to learn how to use a VCR, that’s future stuff!” and the next you’re asking a teenager to help you program your VCR. And then the teenager is like, “Grandma, why do you even have a VCR? That’s an extinct technology and all you watch is season 8 of the Simpsons anyway.” And then you’re like, “What’s that, Sonny? Come closer so that I might lay these aged eyes upon thee.” Anyway, the point is: Everyone who lives long enough dies confused and valueless.

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Fancy Cats Fancy Fancy's #5: Intestinal Prolapse at Birth

Fancy Cats Fancy Fancy's is this thing where the artist draws a sad cat and then writes beneath it the one thing the cat would have done if it could have lived ten minutes longer.

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Now a new series called "How Much Fun Would It Be, On a Scale from 1 to 10?"

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Fancy cats fancy Fancy's #4: Ataxia, Ingestion of Unknown Toxin

FCFF is this thing where the artist draws a sad cat and then writes beneath it the one thing the cat would have done if it could have lived ten minutes longer.

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Heartless Universe is out of control. Please stay tuned.

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Fancy Cats Fancy Fancy's #3: Strangulation due to Curtain Drawstring Entanglement

FCFF is a thing wherein the artist draws a picture of a sad cat and then writes beneath it the one thing the cat would have done if it could have lived another ten minutes.

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Fancy cats fancy Fancy's #2: Flea Bite Anemia

FCFF is where the artist draws a sad cat and then writes beneath it what the cat would have done if it could have lived ten minutes longer.

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In an attempt to be more commercial, I present to you this new cartoon series about cats. It's a thing where every week the artist draws a picture of a sad cat and then writes under it the one thing the cat would have done if it could have lived for fifteen more minutes. Is that funny or sad?

Anyway, the series is called Fancy Cats Fancy Fancy's, and when I told the boyfriend this he actually said back, "So Fancy’s is what fancy cats fancy?" Then the noise ceased to exist as a word.

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All this and more you can have by following this link.

Happy Christmas! Buy from me!

(I'm aware that it's actually not Christmas today, it's actually the third night of Hanukkah, but I hope you understand that the demographic with the most buying power is teenagers with a Christian heritage, and I talk to who has the money.) (That's why I am obligated to mention Ke$ha in every post.) (Which was really hard because at first I couldn't figure out how to make a $ with this computer.) (It's actually quite easy. I showed the girls at the office!) 

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, stay away from my girly magazines. This here's grown up stuff.

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Here's a commercial break: I worked on this thing for months, and it's finally ready to sell! Check out my Etsy store to look at these hand drawn Tobias Funke Window Cling Fashion Dolls up close! Intrigued? What if I told you that it comes with more than 65 pieces? Would that get you to click on the link? What if I told you that I've been coughing up blood for a week? No? Just the first thing then.

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Happy Halloween! Here's a Betty Boop cartoon from the 30's that's mostly in poor taste. It was eventually banned from children's television. Because of all the boobs, you'd assume? Or perhaps because of all the scenes where it really looks like Betty is fucking something? (see the scene beginning at 2:50 where a cow's horns and a pumpkin are an obvious metaphor for S-E-X and Boop's perpetual virginity. Or see the six full seconds of Betty presenting her ass to the camera while gyrating from 3:06 to 3:12)

But that's not the reason this cartoon was banned.  And if not because of the horrible body image that Betty Boop might give our daughters and nieces, then perhaps you might assume the objection that caused the film's ban would have been over moments like when all those vaguely racist looking bears break into the house and interrupt Betty's drunken sing-a-long party? But no, it was none of these things that so offended America the cartoon could not be aired on children's television. The offending scene is the one beginning at 2:58 where Boop lights up a bunch of joints for some junkie jack-o-lanterns.

Update: Now that pot is legal in Washington and Colorado I'd like to see this cartoon brought back on the air, since it is no longer offensive to children.

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The day I remember Father's Day within two weeks of its actual date is the day I'm no longer an alcoholic with daddy issues.

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Here's some Arrested Development fan art you would like to buy from me: store