live through this and you won’t look back

healing. she/her. queer. light. love. living. spiritual. everything and nothing all at once. the dichotomy of being. abolish all systems of harm. courage to imagine something better.

[heartonthefloor]

Latest WIP

[heartonthefloor]

I need a break from doctors appointments and pain and being exhausted.

[heartonthefloor]

The morning I started this piece, a teenager had jumped in front of the redline.

I had told my art class instructor, in case anyone was late. Trains delayed. Ride share surges. I saw it on Alderman Maria Hadden’s ig, or I wouldn’t have known.

I remember she said a teenager. Prayers to their family. Prayers to them, too, I thought, several times, wherever their soul is.

I remember learning about the phenomenon of jumping in front of the train to commit suicide. I hadn’t been in Chicago long, definitely was 18. It became my fantasy “out” for a long time. My just in case plan. My uncle had been killed in a freight train wreck, what an homage, I thought. Oh to be remembered, to mess up so many people’s day, I would think, at least I’d get their attention for a moment, their prayers for a minute. These were my thoughts years ago. When life was simpler-darker. Not complex-dark.

The composition on this piece got all wrong, it was supposed to be more of “looking through” the tree, and that’s not what’s happening. It’s ok, it’s my first attempt at something so structured and industrial with oil pastels. I typically stay very nature-y. I did almost all of this free hand and cleaned it up with a straight edge, but the front proportions aren’t exactly right. I tried using some color trickery to give it the curve, but I’ll be making more with cta cars soon, I like what’s happening here. In the original photo I took, I could see the orange stocking cap of the train driver, and there’s a bit of a nod in there.

The day I finished this piece was the day after the disastrous and embarrassing MET gala. One of my classmates had been to see Bruce Springsteen the night before, and she was showing me clips of him and the whole crowd chanting “ICE OUT” and I said, this is a hell of a lot better use of artistic platform and your Monday night than anyone at the Met gala, and someone else brought up Spirit airlines going under, and I said something about how we’re all doing the very best thing we can do during collapse: make some art in person with other humans and talk about it all. One of my classmates is working on a project of archival footage he took from the AIDS Quilt/March on Washington in 1987. And sometimes I’ll look over at what he’s working on and the weight of the single image from that day and the joy and fight and hope and fearlessness because we have each otherness you can sense in those photos…there’s something about it all that keeps my cup full enough to continue to show up and make art again and again and again.

[heartonthefloor]

Three sessions and a week into doing neck and shoulder PT and I can already tell this is going to be a big unlock for my body. I’m not feeling good or relief of my pain yet, but I am feeling…a bit more energy? A bit of “loosening” a bit less stiffness each day, maybe? I can tell it’s working, and it’s not causing more pain. Head and neck PT are crazy, the smallest movements do so much. It’s also balancing out what I’ve been doing for my lower back, like no wonder it wasn’t all feeling “right” because I was truly unbalanced in my strength and now I’m working on building it all back up together and I know I can do it. I’ve done it before.

My body has finally adjusted to FFB being back home. Sleeping together again is still rough but everything else is adjusted back to comfortable or enjoyable or neutral. He’s gone again this weekend, and tbh that helps. He has a bunch of travel this year and it works out. I get I space and rest. We get fam time (w Buck) when he’s home.

Medical expenses keep stressing me out, and I got my first CDR (continuing disability review) I’m very much consistent with treatment and see so many doctors and do all my follow ups and follow treatment plans, I’m not super concerned but it was a fight to get here & it’s so hard to not slip into a paranoid loop.

[heartonthefloor]

Me and my best boi in my place of zen.

Really like this one.

[heartonthefloor]

Went back to PT and I have “upper cross syndrome” a lot of us iPhone generation have it

So now I’m back in PT 2x a week working to correct all of this bs. I know it’ll help, I’m in so much neck and shoulder pain. I’m just so very very tired all the time. Getting the help, doing the things, because eventually it’ll lead to an easier and less painful life over all. It’s PT Monday and Thurs. Art Tues. Therapy Wed. Rest the other 3 days. Disabled life pacing, still doesn’t feel like enough rest.

But the smartest thing I did was schedule PT at a new place somewhere walking distance to my house. I don’t have to drive or take a car, less spoons.

[heartonthefloor]

FFB has been home a week and believe me I’m happy he’s home.

And my body? Well my body is in rough shape and she’s stuck in a survival cycle and she’s just afraid all the time so it’s a lot of talking myself down out of panic spirals because I’m triggered so often.

I am so tired.

Therapy was great today, I saw her in person to help myself ground. I cried most of the time, and I talked about how sick I am of the crying. It’s always been there, the crying, bubbling under the surface. She asked if it’s new with this round of being upset or grief I said nope, same as it ever was, the feelings are so much and just a few heavy feels away from bubbling over and then I told her about the Reddit post.

One of my neighbors posted in AskChicago Reddit about my crying on my patio and how loud it was and how long I went on and asked if they should say something to me.

My therapist busted out laughing. We spent the next 10 minutes bawling laughing about the whole absurdity of the whole thing cuz I realized I hadn’t even told her about it all yet, I hadn’t told anyone about it.

It was good to laugh in a room with another person.

[herssian]

deepen the shadows bro. it'll be ok

[herssian]

i meant art-wise but if any dark sorcerers see this. you do you

[heartonthefloor]

A few finishing touches next week, but I really love how this one is turning out.

[heartonthefloor]

Number one thing I’m learning about being in love and having a CPTSD brain: I can’t trust anything I initially feel.

[heartonthefloor]

I hadn’t intended on going tonight, I wanted to give away all these games as I figured it would be too cold and too hard to my body. Yet it’s magically a random 70 degree in the evening March day and my seatmate who I haven’t seen since October was at the game. I got him a sheet of 383 parking passes. If you live in Chicago, our parking system just to park on our neighborhood streets is a labyrinth of stickers and parking passes, especially in my “zone” the coveted cubs zone. The daily parking stickers to park on the street here in their neighborhood are like gold and the alderman’s office rations them out by household and I’m not even joking, I had to show my id with my address and I could only get 3 sheets. (Listen, I am all for discouraging car dependency, and tbh I barely use the passes, but wanted to do the favor for my seatmate). I approve of this system I just think it’s funny. I wouldn’t have a vehicle if it weren’t for my dad’s old truck. Anyway, I spent the game catching up with Tom (name changed) and his new retirement life. He just sold the business, took his family all the grandkids on a trip to Cancun. We complained about all the same cubs things but were happy about all the same things. I got to tell him all about the drama with my bfs surgery. I’m so glad I ended up going to the game, because they also played a great game, won 7-2. Tomorrow I have art class again, a fresh 10 week session. And then Wednesday my love is finally home. I can’t wait. It’s been too long.

[heartonthefloor]

I feel like this next phase of life is kind of relearning things outside of the voice of my mother because I think I’ve finally got to a point where I don’t hear her in my head all the time.

I didn’t realize how bad it was, or even that it was so present.

It’s been good, the falling apart time, grieving time, the boundary enforcing time. I just don’t want to always live in this so very vulnerable toddler like space forever. I already see myself growing.

[heartonthefloor]

Equal parts YES COLLAPSING IM SO GLAD I CAME TO SEE IT FALL and fuck it’s collapsing why did I choose to come here during this bullshit

[heartonthefloor]

Ngl im flipping wildly between this is actually fine and insert dog on fire room gif this is fine

My period came way early right exactly with Aries szn bc of course happy new year

I’m distracting myself with weed and baseball it’s what I have food isn’t appealing at all

I need my man home please get him home safely I need my family back together

[heartonthefloor]

Interesting new things about long covid

That I have learned from my care team:

—it’s categorized as an autoimmune disease. Which is a huge category of illnesses, that’s the umbrella long covid falls under.

—everyone being treated for long covid has problems with pacing, fatigue, and energy

—seem to be two “types” of long covid as far as recovery times, those who improve after 3-9 months, and those who report a more “up and down” kind of “non-improvement”

—the non improvers are more likely to be women, in their 30s, who never fully regained smell/taste

—there are Rx options we are trying that are helping with some of my pain! I’d say even more than some of the things my other neurologist is trying for my headaches.

—my long covid neurologist put me on 10 mg of nortriptyline on top of my other headache meds and psych meds to help with my long covid headaches, and I’ve definitely noticed a difference. I might be able to up that.

—we are going to try a stimulant as well.

—she is also able to give me a refferal for hydro pt (pt in a pool!) but I am just not able to do that until FFB is back for a few weeks I don’t have capacity yet. She said a very low impact exercise plan like that is good to help rebuild your strength, and tbh I need that. What happens is I stick to a routine really well for a few weeks and then I get a pain flare up and it all falls apart and fatigue flare up and it’s all of the sudden 2-3 months without working out. I do walk buck 2 walks a day so I do move, but it’s not enough nor is it strength training or the stretches or cardio I need but I don’t have any more in me. And, I’m glad she’s giving us long covid people this care. We need this, our reality is we have lost muscle mass!

—the support group. This is a big thing, in my opinion. In my heart and soul I’ve been communing with siblings in HIV/AIDS crisis. And I think about the first group of folks who went through it and no one knew anything. When you’re the first ones to live with something, to be survivors of something so global, so changing, but so taboo. It’s different but it’s much too much the same. And so I’m glad we have a support group. That matters. That’s care that…to me, shows they’re investing in us. We aren’t forgotten. We have a space to be us, and be messy, and have SI and have space to be together in how hard it is to hold the truths of being the first people to survive with whatever this is that we have.

[heartonthefloor]

The new tattoo is actually very cool in its skeleton form. Will be this way until my next session in May. The color will hurt so very much but will be worth it.

Also we flipped into Aries season and the “new year” and my body said here’s a headache and you can’t sleep :/ it’s ok I feel powerful and fiery and capable and like I can fight anything.

[heartonthefloor]

Going to look very different in 5 days.

It was a “feels like” 35 when we walked around this AM.

This year is 150 years of the Chicago Cubs, they started in 1876. 10 years since the 2016 World Series. The team is fire. It’s going to be a really fun summer.

Grateful for my little walking distance home away from home. If it wasn’t so close I wouldn’t care so much, but because it’s kind of like a backyard team for me now, and it’s where I’ve spent my summers processing and healing the last 10 years, I’m excited to continue to experience the fun with my partner, even if he’s a Sox fan deep down.

My sister and her husband just adopted a new puppy. His name? Wrigley.