☾☼

[heartworm2424]

Always tell the people you love, that you love them. Love moves through time and space. And when you’re no longer here/there/alive - the people who mattered most in your life should not for a second doubt whether they were loved by you. Your love should extend beyond your life, and go on to live inside them.

[heartworm2424]

uh oh. what timing..

[liquidlimits-deactivated2019032]

His t-shirt no panties

[heartworm2424]

*Her

[aidashakur]

“The love of my life wouldn’t do that” is such a powerful perspective to maintain

[dogpuppy]

[bitchi4mwillywonka]

i hope you heal so hard that the bare minimum disgusts you.

[heartworm2424]

emotional starvation

A friend of mine called me today. Incessantly, till I picked up. We spoke after many months. She complained I talk to her only about twice a year. I was hesitant. But when I finally loosened up, we ended up speaking for 3 hours. I don’t do this. And oddly, it felt so.. good. Like I was very heard throughout the conversation? I’ve never had someone ask me these many questions regarding myself and my feelings and sat through to listen to it all with so much patience, respond and then further question and listen to my opinions on various other things as well. I can’t quite explain it but I enjoyed my conversation with her. It felt endless, like I could’ve still spoken more. We joked, I made fun of all her choices in women and we discussed the current girl she’s seeing, she obviously circled back to the what ifs and the conversation was still light. She said “you’re so reluctant and resistant to all my attempts at trying to get you to date me so im letting you know this thing with this girl is not serious, its up to you to do what you will with this information” I course corrected to say I have no romantic intentions and I am not physically attracted to her whatsoever, and it’s always lowkey entertaining to watch her spiral over this. Time and time again, I’ve defended my person and at this point she is a topic not up for discussion because we have very strong differing opinions. I won’t tolerate the disrespect and she can’t seem to understand my equation so it’s always off limits.

Anyways, my friend sent me screenshots of an argument with the girl she’s been seeing and.. i was mocking her honestly j for the sake of it. But now that im truly reflecting - I actually can’t help but feel ..jealous. The girl she’s seeing is infact sweet. You can just tell in the way she texts her, responds to every line and reassures her the right amount and j expresses herself so wholeheartedly. She’s sensitive and it shows. It’s attractive. What’s better? She is also physically attractive. And the combination just.. irks me. Her emotional intelligence is lovely and whilst im happy for my friend, a part of me is jealous..

This as a whole has left me feeling empty. Yearning almost? For my person to give me this type of attention. To care. To want to actually hear my thoughts and check in on me emotionally. I can’t remember the last time she genuinely did. I don’t mean dead calls, me blowing up her phone etc. for attention.. I mean like serious check ins. I can’t remember. She runs from anything serious and I just.. hang around pathetically waiting for her to come back around. And whilst I hate that my heart is comparing her to some girl my friend is dating just because her emotional intelligence is so high, I simply can’t help it today. & Why is some girl who I talk to once/twice a year at max consistently this keen on wanting to know how I’m feeling, what I like and don’t like and giving me so many fkn hypotheticals? It makes me mad that someone else is taking my time, when all I really want is for my person to be this mindful and concerned about me. Sigh. Idk if im able to put into words what im feeling.

This morning I wanted to text her to let her know that im feeling a little underloved today. This is a direct cry for emotional validation. I somehow have obviously managed to convince myself out of this. I know she likely won’t give a fuck and even if she does, she won’t do anything about it - she’ll just feel like the things she does for me have gone unseen. She may feel like im ungrateful or im expecting too much and i just don’t want the disappointment of her running away from trying to love me when im low. She’s anyways been busy the past few days doing idek what.. so I know she’s not going to want to come back to a nagging partner. It’s not like I’ve dismissed the effort she’s put into us, for me to even be emotionally secure without spiralling the way I used to it’s all thanks to her reassurance over these many months. I don’t take it lightly. & I know she calls me, I know we talk for hours and when we do/ when she is giving me her time of day I do feel loved. I know it’s there. However, it’s always fleeting and I am sick of being loved in convenience, I want to be consumed by it. I want to be able to rely on it. I don’t think she’s very curious about me at all. Tbh I wonder why she’s still with me at times? She has her own life, she deals with me as she pleases and she disappears when she cba. There’s not much I even know about her day to day life/ decisions and even if I try, she would say it’s not required and dismiss it. If I act out, she withholds her time and it drives me insane so I comply like a little bitch. And overtime I’ve realised I’ve just erased all my wants and needs, girlish ones even - be it emotional or just habitual things that would make me happy, because they j were dismissed by her to begin with in our relationship. I’ve adjusted to accept little to whatsoever love she chooses to give me on a given day & I may be completely wrong, but today - I feel this way. My brain hurts and my heart aches.

Sigh.

[werenotreallystrangers]

The self abandonment hurts more than the heartbreak

[dovesandfawns]

she is actually on my mind all the timeee it's not even funny

[naked-yogi]

kissing is so underrated, I could just lie in bed and kiss all day

[heartworm2424]

*her all day

[heartworm2424]

Got my hands on some alcohol im gonna drink in my room the whole fucking dayyyy to numb this fuck all feeling let’s fucking goooooooo

[lmm-43]

I have one rule, tell me before I find out

[bandagedthoughtsblog]

[inkpressedpetals]

this is what best friends are for.

[aidashakur]

You can’t reconcile with people who aren’t honest about how they mishandled you.

[aidashakur]

No amount of chemistry can make up for a lack of emotional safety.

[heartworm2424]

okay stop bc what the heck???

[heartworm2424]

Sigh. & after a very very long while she’s said something that’s making my heart hurt. The more I think about it the heavier my heart gets.

I don’t want to resent the number 24. I love it. It actually makes me so happy :’) Over all these years I’ve built so much more meaning and significance to it with regards to us - and thats why it’s so special to me. June 24th 2016 ~ the day it all started.

Cut to one by-chance conversation yesterday (mind you, a decade later) and suddenly, it feels like the depth has gone. it’s like all the assumed shared relevance, she ripped away.

She’s so good at this. She’s so good at dismissing things that hold meaning to me.

Her reasoning? We were on and off. If only she’d paid any attention back then. We’d had an explicit conversation about what we’re going to do about our number and we decided we’d still keep 24 for relevance because it was far too meaningful by then.

Well.. guess fucking not?

[heartworm2424]

I’m trying to not be so hurt about this. Idk how well im succeeding at it. I had two surgical procedures over the last two days. She’s not even bothered to check in. Sigh. Why is it when im upset she just leaves me alone? No calls no texts, j replies as if im like j anyone else to her?

[heartworm2424]

I’m so dramatic. I feel a lot better now. She does love me, she was j under the weather herself ><

Also, im kind of less mad about forget the meaning behind our date. We spoke about it, im okay now..