꩜ 𐂂 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋

If tears of joy will drown me, then I don't mind dying.

[heavenlydoe]

precaution:

just a heads up!

here is a digital journal where i'm about to vent, unpack some heavy stuff, and spill thoughts that have been weighing on me. some of my post may include sensitive topics, so please proceed with care. i'm not necessarily looking for advice, but if you want to discuss i'm always up for it.

before engaging with me any further, do check you are not one of this list.

under a 20 years old

a zionist, 02 voter & pro regime

any religion-phobic, ableist, racist

a queer-phobic or lgbtq-anti

love to engage in unnecessary drama, spread hate, & gossips

acc with heavy harshwords, sexuals, & nudity scene

acc for sell, gf/bf rent, & roleplay/closed agency stuffs purpose

those who will not engage with me

[heavenlydoe]

would you walk by my side while i achieve more in life?

[heavenlydoe]

masyarakat dalam kota maket

yang ditanam bukan pohon dan rumput hijau, bukan pula ide dan gagasan manusia berbudaya. adalah pasak besi dan dinding beton yang tumbuh liar bersama baliho-baliho yang ramai menjanjikan wadah hunian premium dan eksklusif, memberi harap pasti akan tempat tinggal yang nyaman dan asri. kota ini dibangun di atas meja rapat berbahan mahogani, di ruangan-ruangan dingin, di hadapan investor-investor bisnis. kota yang tercipta dari ambisi dan imajinasi elitis, sebuah bentuk paling telanjang dari sistem kapitalis.

ruang menjadi hal istimewa. barang siapa yang mampu membelinya boleh mencicipi untuk waktu yang sedikit, atau jika mampu membayar lebih diperbolehkan untuk mengambil klaim atasnya. kota yang dijual bukan untuk hidup, bukan untuk bertumbuh, bukan pula untuk membangun identitas manusiawi yang sederhana dan mengakar kuat. kelahirannya bukan dari rahim rakyat atau mimpi-mimpi masyarakat, namun dicetak dalam bentuk sebidang maket di atas meja display. proporsional. steril. teratur. ketat.

rumah dikotak-kotakkan, hunian dibangun vertikal dengan janji aksesibilitas. pusat kota tak ubahnya dari onggokan mall-mall yang dikemas sebagai experience. yang disebut sebagai "warga" hanyalah segelintir mereka yang mampu mengakomodasi rumah dua lantai dan kendaraan roda empat. sisanya yang tidak mampu adalah bagian dari lalu lintas, masyarakat miskin kota yang untuk menghidupi diri sendiri pun megap-megap. mereka yang tinggal di perkampungan padat dianggap sebagai "masalah" tata ruang; perlu dibersihkan, perlu disingkirkan. jantung kota adalah tugu dan alun-alun sunyi, yang untuk masuk menikmatinya pun harus merogoh saku dan menyisihkan pundi-pundi. ruang komunal yang bebas dan inklusif cuma sebuah ilusi.

kota maket tidak mengenal suara-suara kehidupan. tawa anak-anak yang heboh berlarian mengejar layang-layang, suara perempuan yang riuh menata masa depan yang masih membayang, atau kelakar para ayah di tengah arus hidup yang terus bergelombang. bagi mereka yang bersikeras untuk tetap tinggal di dalamnya, harus menerima kenyataan akan harga sewa yang tidak masuk akal, atau terpaksa tergusur ke pinggiran, demi sepetak wadah untuk tidur yang seringkali dianggap layak pun tak pantas.

kita sepakat untuk menyebutnya sebagai kota yang telah maju, kota modern dengan nama besar yang kebarat-baratan. tapi wujudnya senyap semacam tubuh tanpa roh, berdiri gagah dengan punggung yang dingin walau tampak kokoh. yang hidup di dalamnya seperti kehilangan arah, kelas bawah kehilangan wadah, kelas menengah kehilangan identitas. kota menjadi panggung raksasa yang menyisakan dua peran; penjual dan pembeli.

barangkali memang dari awal kota ini tidak muncul dari tunas dan sejarah yang diukir sendiri oleh kehidupan masyarakatnya. adat dan budaya daerah tak akan laku, kepemilikan bersifat premium. masyarakat kota maket hidup dalam cekikan tangan yang menjual lahan dan janji, mereka dipandang sebatas angka demografis, yang sedang diperhitungkan takdirnya; apakah layak tetap tinggal atau haruskah disisihkan ke ujung bumi agar kota maket tetap cantik dan mahal.

[heavenlydoe]

kupikir aku lah si pandai itu

sudah habis kutelaah kitab-kitab akbar, mulai dari halaman muka hingga lembar memoar. sudah kupahami seluruh hukum di bumi tanpa ingkar; bahwa sesuatu yang berharga,

butuh berjarak,

dilarang dikejar,

dan tanpa didesak.

sudah kuhafalkan macam-macam teori. jangan harap memiliki, harus selalu sadar diri. sudah pula kurakit tembok pertahanan yang penuh duri. dengan keyakinan aku akan selamat dari segala ngeri.

kupikir hal-hal semacam itu ujian pilihan ganda, dan aku bisa memilih sesuai tanda. lalu eksistensimu muncul dalam ruang waktu milikku, dan aku luluhlantak dibuatmu. di hadapanmu, seluruh kepandaianku menyusut dan kutemukan diriku menjadi si bodoh yang bertekuk lutut dan berlidah kaku.

ternyata kau soal esai yang jawabannya penuh rancu,

tidak bisa kutemukan dalam buku saku,

tidak pula bisa dihitung dengan akal yang tersisa padaku.

dan bahwasanya, aku telah terlalu angkuh, berpikir tidak bakal pernah jatuh. semoga kau tidak jenuh, dengan doa dan harapanku yang ngeyel tetap tak mau runtuh.

[heavenlydoe]

aku nahkoda dan kita adalah kapal. kau hujan badai dan laut adalah semesta.

tanpa berbekal kompas atau selembar peta, bahtera yang kita naiki meluncur bersama sebait syair dan sepetak rasa. tertatih mengikuti irama arus yang semakin jauh dari pelabuhan, semakin riuh dan membara. kau datang dengan awan di saku-saku bajumu, sedikit gugup, sedikit gelagapan, sedikit terbata. dan aku menyukai caramu membuat langit tak lagi bisa meramalkan cuaca.

aku bukan pelaut hebat, perutku masih bergejolak dan jalanku masih limbung di geladak. barangkali kau lebih berpengalaman, lebih tahu arah mana yang jadi haluan. atau boleh jadi, kita sama-sama bingung bintang mana yang musti dipakai. tali-temali perasaan kita masih kusut-masai, menari bersama layar kapal yang terbuai.

aku paham bahwa laut terlalu luas untuk aku kuasai. tanganku yang cuma dua ini cuma bisa menggenggam tanganmu. tapi aku, di tengah porak-poranda langit ketika ombakmu meletup, malah merasa paling hidup. setiap petir yang muncul dari dalam jiwamu tahu caranya membuatku berdegup.

badai adalah berkah dan aku dengan senang hati menjadi pelaut yang mabuk dalam nikmat gaduhmu.

malam selalu jatuh dingin dan lantai kapal tidak selamanya kering. tapi kau suka diam-diam membenahi pelampungku, sementara aku belajar membaca angin bergejolak di matamu yang bening. kita sedang mengapung tanpa arah, mengizinkan laut mengantarkan pada destinasi yang masih berwujud entah. boleh jadi kita sedang menentang takdir dan menolak rebah. sepanjang kau masih menyodorkan teh hangat dan semangkuk peluk, aku tahu aku belum ingin merapat ke teluk.

[heavenlydoe]

izinkan aku tenggelam.

sayang, aku tidak pernah pandai soal berenang. riak air acapkali membuatku ragu dan bimbang, khawatir jika nanti tak sempat kembali pulang, lalu nyawaku lenyap dan habis ditelan gelombang. sampai suatu hari, kutemukan diriku menyelam di balik kedua lenganmu, dengan segenap berani yang aku ramu. malu-malu memohon secuil kasih mewah, menelisik segala rindu dan harap, yang alkisah sembunyi di ceruk tulang belikatmu yang megah. aku langsung tahu, aku akan tenggelam. tanpa pelampung, surat wasiat, atau salam. kutemukan diriku menjadi manusia payah, dengan suka cita memilih rebah dan pasrah, menjelma pelipis pengganti ketika milikmu lelah. sungguh, aku bukan saudagar kaya raya, namun gelisah genap mengisi seluruh raga. cemas jika perompak menculikmu dengan paksa, merampok yang berharga tanpa sepenggal kata. pun, jika besok aku karam dan napasku tinggal satu, maka sayangku, ketahuilah bahwa di situ, aku dengan bangga telah mati syahid, jadi hantu yang dimakamkan tanpa peti dalam dekapmu.

[heavenlydoe]

oh, how odd. talking to you make me look forward to see tomorrow (to talk to you again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and agai-)

[heavenlydoe]

sandal jepit di beranda masjid

perasaan ini layaknya ibadah yang tak kunjung mampu aku tunaikan. sudah sejak lama aku berdiri di depan pintunya, siap mengetuk dengan tangan yang terangkat; hanya untuk sadar bahwa aku datang dengan tubuh yang bergelimang hina dan bermandikan maksiat. hidupku penuh jejak dosa yang dianggap tak pantas oleh masyarakat. aku datang bersama lidah yang pernah meludahi langit. selalu lupa untuk membawa wudhu dan membasuh jiwaku yang sakit. ribuan kali kucoba menjadi suci, tapi najis-najis lekat menempel di sela niat dan kuku jari. kupikir, yang semacam ini seharusnya sederhana: saling tatap, saling percaya, saling paham. ternyata ia seperti ayat-ayat langit, yang maknanya hanya tertulis secara implisit. hanya orang terpelajar yang mampu membacanya. dan si bodoh ini bahkan tidak punya sekantung keberanian untuk memahami sebutir aksara. kutantang diri dan kubuka mulut untuk menyapa, tapi kutemukan suaraku ditelan oleh takut dan nestapa; cemas jika lidahku mencemari namanya. kuambil satu langkah mendekat, hanya untuk mundur dan menambah sekat; kuatir jika hadirku mendatangkan gigil yang pekat. sesuatu sebaik itu, tak seharusnya berdekatan dengan jiwa nista sepertiku; yang lahir dari doa-doa yang tak pernah diaminkan biksu. maka kupilih untuk diam. tak layak rasanya menginginkan sesuatu yang elok untuk kugenggam. aku cukup tahu diri, sebagaimana sandal jepit di beranda masjid, paham untuk tak ikut masuk, tak pernah berdoa untuk dijemput meski remuk. seperti semua hal yang dilempar ke sudut kelam, tak layak untuk dikenang tanpa bikin runyam.

[heavenlydoe]

dia api dalam lilin, dan aku api pada hutan

dia api dalam lilin, yang nyalanya mulia, hadirnya dicinta, hangatnya didamba. terduduk rayu di tengah tamu, menjamu sambil tersipu malu. ia hidup dalam aturan, patuh pada pedoman, tak lepas dari kebajikan. dia api dalam lilin yang pendarnya adalah perayaan. ayah dan ibu punya doktrin; "nak, jadilah lilin, yang wujudnya bisa temani doa yang berpilin." sialnya, ingin mereka tak ubah dari angan. aku api pada hutan, yang enggan menjadi terang hanya untuk terkurung. aku riuh berlabuh bersama angin yang jauh. aku sibuk berkecamuk di lereng gunung, mengunyah pohon dan daun dan segala remuk. aku api yang lahir dari jatuhnya sebatang rokok dan dendam seorang pemburu. aku tumbuh liar bersama bangkai binatang dan ladang yang mengerontang. aku api pada hutan yang siarnya terlarang.

[heavenlydoe]

[a copy of journal entry]

tw: suicidal ideation , depression , hopelessness , emotional trauma , family issues , loneliness.

🔺please read with care🔻

[6/12/24] i really don't have the will to live anymore. i'm waiting for death to come and find me. most of the time, i masked and pretend i'm not like this. it's embarrassing to be sad and depressed when others have it rougher and harder than me. but i really, really wanna die.

[13/12/24] i don't like being alone but i also feel extreme loneliness when i'm with other people.

[22/12/24] life doesn't get any better, the one who getting better was me. life still hard and full of struggles, but i'm slowly learn how to navigate it. maybe i'm not doing it perfectly, i still make mistakes. but hey, the guilt and shame after making mistakes doesn't feel as heavy as before.

[23/12/24] in my dream, my mother is happier and achieves all of her dreams without having to postpone them or sacrifice anything. in my dream, my father get all the live he deserves and has a child who was better than me. in my dream, my siblings get to pursue their dreams and fulfilled their childhood desires. in my dream, we eat together at one table, and no one is fighting against each other. in my dream, we are a little happy family.

[25/12/24] i go places only to realize it's not the wall or the room that trap me. i can go out and meet people and see the sun and hear the birds singing, and still feel depressed and falling apart and broken inside. it's my mind that traps me. and i can not leave my mind behind for i want to taste freedom and inner peace.

[26/12/24] when people ask me how was your day and i want to answer by it was terrible and i feel guilty for being alive but i know they'd be horrified and pity me so i just answer by yeah it was just fine.

[28/12/24] i've realized not everyone have the ability to understand other people, and because of that, also don't have the ability to understand themselves.

[28/12/24] my life has reached the point of peace. it gives me time and space and allow me to grow or to grieve, to nurture and to be nourished. i once prayed to God to make me wise and He put me in tough situations.

[29/12/24] my problems aren't that big compared to other people's, but i've always wanted to die. i have the need to die and feel like my life doesn't belong to me. i was supposed to die years ago. and i feel incredibly guilty for still being alive.

[31/12/24] for once, i want my existence to mean something to someone. i wish i had someone or somewhere to belong to. i wish my absence meant something (in a good way), that without me things would be different and emptier. i wish my presence mattered to someone so much that they'd be afraid to lose me.

[01/01/25] i find it really lonely not to have a partner. all my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends of their own, and at the end of the day, they will choose their partner first (which is very normal). yet i can't help but feel being overlooked and underappreciated as a friend.

[05/01/25] i can't promise you that i will get better, i can't promise you that i'm going to live. i've been detached from the world for so long that nothing feels real anymore. i am not my self—and even if i am, i don't know who i'm supposed to be. i don't belong anywhere and every place feels like a trap to me. nothing is interesting and everything feels so numb. i'm waiting for death to take me. but there's no guarantee that death will end this suffering—which is more frustating.

[19/03/25] i feel miserable. deeply miserable. is it because i don't let my self to feel human? to be human completely?

[15/05/25] dear God, if you don't want to take my soul, then please give me a life where i don't want to end it my self.

[14/05/25] kinda feel like a failure again.

[24/05/25] the love i gave for other people will come back to me—multiplied, gentler, and comforting. and i will cherish it instead of running away.

[25/05/25] if it was given to me, it might have broken me instead of building me and help me to grow. it was a blessing in disguise. i didn't lose it. i dodge a storm.

[heavenlydoe]

[heavenlydoe]

society hates women who talk about or enjoy sex

sex is a natural, human experience—yet there is significant double standard between women and men. men are often praised for being sexually active (studs, players), but women are shamed (sluts, easy) for the exact same behavior. when it comes to women, sexuality is only acceptable when it's controlled, hidden, or serving men's desires—not when it's expressed openly for their own pleasure.

in misogynistic society, women's sexuality is treated as something that needs to be owned, controlled, and suppressed. for centuries, and even until today, in many ways, a woman's worth is tied to her purity—in marriage, in family honor, even in her right to exist safely. a woman who wants or enjoys sex openly challenges that system, because she can't be controlled by fear, shame, or dependency anymore.

this fear of female autonomy is exactly why society places women in impossible double binds. women are expected to be innocent—but also sexually skilled; pure—but also desirable and seductive; untouched—but also never reject their husband's touch. this contradiction is such a punishment for women no matter what they do. to enforce this system, women are divided into two categories; the "good" women, and the "bad" women. good women are considered as those who are modest, innocent, and wife material. and bad women are reflected by those who are sexually open, independent, and therefore also labeled as "used goods" or "less respectable".

both kinds of women are punished, the first for being boring and naive, the second for being too much.

a wife who's never been allowed to explore her sexuality still expected to magically know how to please a man, keep him interested, and prevent cheating. and when her man cheats, society often blames her for not being enough. at the same time, a woman who openly explores her sexuality gets slut-shamed (labeling women as dirty or immoral), victim-blamed (saying women who dress or act a certain way "deserve" assault), dismissed as easy, and stripped of respect. her choices are not seen as expressions of autonomy, but as moral failures. even in workplace situations, her sexual history or rumors can be used to undermine women professionally, even if it's irrelevant.

meanwhile, men are allowed—normalized, even—to sexualize everything. their infidelity is forgiven, if not expected. they are taught that objectifying women is just "natural" or "boys being boys". they can gawk at a school uniform, a nurse outfit, a girl laughing with friends, and still face little to no consequences. men's lack of self control is always excused, if not barely blamed for. and women are still held responsible for "tempting" them.

this isn't just a simple double standard, it's coming to a point where it becomes a system designed to uphold male power. when men sexualize women, it's framed as instinct. when women sexualize anything, even themselves, it's framed as rebellion, deviance, or sin. men are allowed to consume, devour, and discard. women are expected to endure, serve, and stay silent.

the normalization of male sexual entitlement is so complete that we don't even question it anymore. a man can watch porn and brags about it, and nobody bats an eye. a woman does the same, she gets shamed. a man cheats, and the question becomes "why was his wife not giving him (the pleasure)?" a woman cheats, and she becomes a whore, a destroyer of their household. even violence is excused; when a man assaults a woman, people would ask "what was she wearing?" "did she tempt him?" "why was she out so late or going alone?" his crime becomes her fault. his desire becomes her responsibility. his violence becomes her consequence.

this is how patriarchy survives: by convincing men that their pleasure is sacred, and women that their pain is deserved. it teaches men that control is love, dominance is masculinity, that women are things to be conquered, not beings to be understood.

and when women finally claim their sexuality, when they say "i want sex on my terms, with my consent, without shame or punishment"—it's immediately misunderstood, mocked, or weaponized against them. female sexual liberation often reduced to nothing more than "free sex" or "promiscuity". as if wanting autonomy means wanting chaos, as if respecting their own choices means encouraging recklessness. but sexual liberation has never meant carelessness.

it means freedom—to say yes, to say no, to ask for protection, to demand respect, to enjoy pleasure without fear. it means recognizing that a woman are not vessel for purity or object for men to use—but a person with body and desire of their own.

still, when a woman gets pregnant outside of marriage, the shame falls entirely on her, not on the man who also participated in it. society often forgets his lack of responsibility and questions her character instead, she is seen as foolish and irresponsible, he is excused and even forgiven. even in terms of abortion, single motherhood, and contraceptive access, women are painted as the problem, never the man who vanishes after the act. because in the eyes of a misogynistic society, sex is only liberating for men.

[heavenlydoe]

one more year until my frontal lobe finally developed.

thank you for not ending your life, even though there wasn't a single day you didn't think about it. thank you for staying, even when you had no idea where life was taking you. thank you for not giving up, even when the world felt like it was dragging you down. i hope you know you never have to feel guilty toforstaying alive, even if you strongly believed you were supposed to die by this age.

i hope you grow into someone wise, with a kind heart and soft words. i hope you don't become a bitter adult, carrying envy and jealousy in your chest. i hope you receive all the love and affection you deserve—and i hope you learn how to give it back to those who deserve it, too. i hope you get the help that you need without feeling guilty for asking. i hope you find it in your heart to forgive your parents, and love them as they are.

i hope you become more tender and forgiving, without ever breaking your own boundaries. i hope you learn to love and respect yourself. i hope only joy and luck comes to you, and even if sadness and heartbreak visit, i hope you're strong enough to bounce back from them. i hope you never fall back into the dark pit of depression and questioning what's wrong with yourself again.

i hope the world become nicer and gentler to you and keep the struggles away from you. i hope you finally find your place and people, so you finally feel like you belong—so you stop feeling like an alien. i hope you're surrounded by those who can understand you without judgment, and that you, too, grow to understand others more fully.

i hope you won't be starving from anything that should be given to you naturally. i wish you a healthy mind and body. i wish you get the job where you can learn and grow as a person, with good amount of wage, workhour, and workload. i wish you get everything your heart desire without having to beg or break yourself to earn it. i hope you get the inner peace you've always longed for. and most of all, i hope you finally get a life where you don't want to end it yourself. i hope you can enjoy life, not just endure it.

happy birthday, isa. may your anger turned into love, and love into comfort.

[heavenlydoe]

May I know what happened to your account? I kinda miss you

hi there anon 👋🏻 my account is just deactivated for some reason. i'm sorry for disappearing so suddenly and thank you for missing me. i will be back soon, don't worry 🙌🏻

[heavenlydoe]

i wish i won't become a cruel adult.

i don't know why adults love to project their problem onto the younger ones. for example, my parents are divorced and almost everyone knew it. and instead of helping me (who definitely suffers from that) or at least easing my feelings and reassuring me, they ask questions like why didn't i try to make them get back together? as if it's my duty.

my parents' failures or mistakes are not mine to fix. my parents are adults and they should've known the consequences of their acts better than me. i have nothing to do with the divorce, even though i'm their child. in fact, i am the victim of their broken relationship. i'm struggling enough as it is, i don't need more burdens to carry. especially not from people that supposed to teach me how to love. i don't even know why adults expect me to be the mediator, the peacemaker, the glue that holds my parents' marriage together. i was just a teen who didn't even know how to be a human completely, and they expected so much from me. that's just straight-up cruel and evil.

did they not realize that children are not an emotional support system for their parents despite being part of the family? it was supposed to be the other way around. i was supposed to be protected and loved and being taught how to love in healthy ways—not in the way where i grow to see love as something harmful and dangerous—and yet, i'm still handed the responsibility to heal wounds that aren't mine while i'm also bleeding. why didn't adults admit that my parents are failing their children for how they are unable to keep the marriage and teach their kids how to love properly? it's as if adults blame me for their divorce and oblige me to put their love back.

what stressing me is that i know i'm not the only child of a divorced family experiencing this. so many children whose parents are divorced are getting questions like this too. i don't even know why adults can't see children from a divorced family as someone who need helps. and when we become a rebel for not getting the guidance, love, attention, and care we're supposed to have, we get the blame for being a broken and ruined child. we became the very example of how other kids should not to become.

we get the blame for mistakes our parents' made.

i did not ask for pity from the adults—or everyone. no, that's not what i want. just a little bit of empathy is enough. adults don't gotta go further to pay for my needs or provide my life. all they need to do is just being thoughtful instead of insensitive of someone's conditions. instead of subtly blaming the child of a divorce, try to ask how they are feeling. that's much much much better than asking them why they don't try to get their parents back together again.

now that i'm the adult my self, i wish i won't turn cruel and even if i do, i hope i die soon.

[heavenlydoe]

men are allowed to be ugly and yet loved, while women are not.

this is a double standard that is so normalized in society. it's not just unfair, it's utterly dehumanizing. men can be average looking—or even considered 'ugly'—and yet, still be adored, admired, or even romanticised if they have charm, status, or a good sense of humor. society tends to allow men complexity and value beyond their looks. but women? they are pressured to be beautiful first, and everything else—talent, kindness, intelligence—comes second, if it’s even noticed. and even when a woman is beautiful, she's also expected to have it naturally. not through surgery or other aesthetic enhancements.

it tells us that a woman’s value is her appearance. while a man’s value can be his personality, his ambition, his talent—even his brokenness.

if a woman doesn't meet conventional beauty standards, she's often seen as unworthy of love or attention. even strong, talented, or brilliant women are reduced to "not pretty enough" if they don't fit the mold. a lot of women are taught from childhood that beauty is currency. compliments revolve around how “pretty” a little girl looks in her dress, not how smart or creative or funny she is. women grow up trying to perfect their bodies, skin, makeup, clothes. and it’s not just for themselves, it’s because they've internalized, deep down, that society won’t treat them kindly if they don't fit the beauty standard.

meanwhile, men aren’t just allowed to “let go” of their looks—they’re often romanticized for it. "rugged." "real." "unconventionally attractive." that double standard gives them so much more freedom to exist as they are. in contrast, women are trapped in an entirely different system—one where appearance is not just noticed, but evaluated, policed, and tied to their worth. this is where beauty privilege comes into play. while beauty privilege is real and gives some women certain benefits, it’s actually not as sweet as it sounds.

beauty privilege is a product of misogyny.

beauty privilege sees a woman as being worthy of kindness, support, or even basic decency only when she fits society’s beauty standards. in other words, being treated well isn't a right—it's a reward, handed out to those who are considered attractive enough. beauty privilege might look like power or respect from the outside—people complimenting you, being kind, offering help—but it’s not real, stable empowerment. it’s not because they value who you are as a whole person. it’s because they like how you look. so the treatment you receive is conditional—it only exists as long as you meet a certain beauty standard.

i’m trying to point out the underlying belief that drives all of this: that women are only worthy—of care, love, attention, or even respect—if they’re beautiful. not if they’re kind. not if they’re smart or funny or hard-working. just… beautiful. that’s what society teaches, and that’s where beauty privilege comes from. so instead of true empowerment—where a woman is respected for her full humanity—beauty privilege is a shallow, fragile kind of advantage. it disappears the moment she age, gain weight, or don’t fit the ideal standard anymore.

this system is harmful to both women and men. while women are expected to be perfect and valued by their looks, men are judged by their social statuses and valued by his wealth.

for women, the pressure is deeply physical, intimate, and often starts frighteningly young. her body, face, and femininity are constantly under a microscope. she's expected to be beautiful, soft, but not too bold. attractive, but not threatening. perfect, but effortless. it’s exhausting—and dehumanizing. men, on the other hand, are often valued based on external achievements: wealth, status, power, or how many people "respect" him. he's taught to suppress vulnerability, ignore emotions, and "prove" himself through dominance or success. that’s its own kind of trap. but, the bar is significantly lower for men, especially when it comes to looks and basic decency.

this lopsided standard breeds entitlement. many men don’t feel the pressure to improve themselves emotionally or mentally because society already rewards them for simply existing by as males. they're not taught to question how they show up in the world. because the rules are unfair and much easier on men, some men start to believe they deserve love, respect, admiration—even if they don’t work on themselves. they expect it.

men often don’t try to meet their best self because they don’t have to. some men don't feel the need to grow emotionally, be kind or introspective, question how they treat people. for example, a man might be rude, immature, not emotionally aware, and not take care of himself—but still say:

"why don’t women like me?" "i deserve love."

he thinks he’s entitled to a partner or attention—even though he hasn’t put in the work to be someone worth loving. that’s entitlement.

society gives them that cushion. women have no cushion—only expectations.

[heavenlydoe]

there's no answer to "why i am me?"

the scariest question to me is still:

"why am i me?"

other question like when i will get married or have babies sounds less scary compared to this one. perhaps because for other queries, i have the answer and it's rational. it's explainable and people will understand. but to find the answer of "why am i me?', i have to dive deep into my self, meet the very vulnerable side of me that no one has ever seen before, not even me myself. and even that, the only anwer i can come up with is that i am me because God simply want me to be me. He didn't make me to become someone else because my life is created just to be mine and i have to live as i am, not as someone else, no matter how much i envy other people's lives.

the question feels so intimidating because it's not just figuring out who i am, but it goes further than that; asking why i exist in the first place. why God give me the trust to be alive, and what purpose do i have.