Destroy yourself
Who am I? What kind of poison do I create? What kind of poison do I make up for myself? It looks like I follow the mission named “DESTROY YOURSELF”
These feelings look familiar because they come back from time to time and I try to catch the moments of unsteady satisfaction between them. Such phenomenon as self-harming can probably be not only physical but mental. I feel like a tide slowing down and billowing again. Like a monster sleeping inside of its cosy bed and waiting for its fatal wakeup. Me...just me, before I calm down, I feel these emotion swirling in my head, like a bomb I always cut the wire of. I know which wire to cut or...maybe it’s luck, but nothing lasts forever and probably once upon a time I’ll make a mistake, cutting the wrong wire...and it wouldn’t be the begining of the end, it would be the beginning of its new phase...new fase of the constant end...
Have you ever thought about the life as the constant process of ending. Start is just the second you were born at...then the finish begins. The lenth of the finish is special for each person (dkw who really tossed these dices). The quality of process is regulated by settings that are always different. I believe that the part of these settings is also given from unknown sender.
My quality is overtaken by my entire voice that makes some awful commands to my body and mind. It catches me like a bird in a cage. My life turns into inhibited way to freedom that sometimes feels like something running away from me further and further. I am too afraid the accidents, even hypothetical ones and I cant enjoy the moments, can’t get fucking pleasure because of these damn probabilities of catastrophy. I create my personal disaster, this is the chain of fucking disasters...they are feeling like a stone inside my chest..till the period of release that comes suddenly after the worst emotional conditions.
I believe that I’ll wake up someday, feeling such a new freedom. Not the periodical one, not the pretender - short satisfaction. Something real, deep inside of my mind, sounding like broken chains turning into the joyful bird singing. I believe that I can feel it before I cut the wrong wire...
