after the fire

too many emotions, not enough places to put them. they won't always be sad, just too much. liam, 26, they/them, 18+ only.

[heavyinmychest]

being sensitive is a fucking curse. i wish i didn't feel anything

[heavyinmychest]

im done asking for help for anything. i cant be vulnerable without being accused of being angry or mad or flying off the handle? okay, then i just fucking wont.

[heavyinmychest]

if i stopped replying to all of my friends right now, i'm not sure who would notice

[heavyinmychest]

jesus christ realizing nobody likes you for the real you, and just the watered down version, is so fucking humbling

[heavyinmychest]

going from loving being alive to wanting to throw up and get back in bed in the middle of the afternoon in a split second is a hell of a thing

[heavyinmychest]

i know it's because i'm bipolar and autistic, but it's wild how one phone call can take me from being happy and content and in love with life to crying on a mountainside realizing that i'll never really feel fully human

[heavyinmychest]

i don't understand why you would chastise me for being excited and misunderstanding what you wanted from me

[heavyinmychest]

i can't tell if i'm too much or not enough

[heavyinmychest]

sometimes it feels like i don't know how to have friends. why do i always do it wrong. why am i always wrong. i just want to be right for once. i just want to be good.

[heavyinmychest]

how am i supposed to want to help you with your crash outs from your mental illness when you won't even help you and take your psych meds

[heavyinmychest]

i am the least important person in everyone's lives. i am the last person on every priority list. i don't know how to love myself when it hurts so much to be unloved. i am never the first phone call. i am never the first text. sometimes i don't even get a response anymore.

[heavyinmychest]

they need to invent a grief that doesn't feel like taking your hands off the wheel at 70 mph and hoping for the best

[heavyinmychest]

nothing sexier than the combination of top surgery scars and lacey underwear

[heavyinmychest]

i don't know how to react like a normal person. why can't i fight or flight or freeze. why do i fawn, even with my friends? they're not threats. they won't hurt me. why do i put my spine away and roll over for them at the slightest hint of conflict?

when can i stop being that scared little kid?

[heavyinmychest]

i need someone to fuck me like we're rolling in bjj

[heavyinmychest]

ok but what if i sold newds/lewds to fund top surgery

[heavyinmychest]

one day you're going to destroy your own life and after you've treated me? i am going to be happy to watch it go down