Eye Wonder

A window to my colorful and sometimes dark world 👀

[heelsnthrills]

Ive been through so much with this man. I just try to find ME in the midst of the chaos. What do I deserve? What do I need?

[heelsnthrills]

Im tired of defending myself. Im tired of feeling trampled on. Im exhausted. I just want to held. Be whole. Be at peace.

He gets drunk and irate and leaves marks on my body. How did we get here? Where am I to go?

[heelsnthrills]

We broke up. Fr.

He said that he believed that i would take him to the cleaners for cheating on me. Inferring that he wouldnt stop cheating.

10 years. I feel used and lied to.

[heelsnthrills]

Watching this nigga try to figure out how I know what i know.

[heelsnthrills]

Goin thru emails getting my feelings HURT.

[heelsnthrills]

Somewhere

Hidden in the depths of my heart

I knew that he wasn’t true to me

Loyal to me

How could he be with her

How could i not know about her

I feel so fucking stupid

When im in the silence, the noise drowns my heart, wells in my eyes, and spills the deception unto my spirit

Why OFCF?

Why

How could you let her live there and pretend to be me

How could you carry on with the falsehood

You carried on and dragged be by my neck like worn out luggage

This is one of the deepest cuts that I have ever felt

The wound is so deep and its hard to close

Every time i close my eyes, i see you and her

I want this wound to close

[heelsnthrills]

Dear Jason

I always understood where you were but I wish youd figure a way out to be with me. Simply because I knew way deep inside that we were mirror images. You saw it before I did. Im here now. The cuts dont sting more than my reality.

[heelsnthrills]

I had a nightmare. He slept with Selma Hayek in my face and I was HURT.

Wtf

[heelsnthrills]

Girl. I am D E P R E S S E D.

[heelsnthrills]

Ok so…life in this moment kind of sucks. Im …sad. But the thing is that its just the same ol. Im happy that Im home with my baby and taking him places that he’s never been. Im happy that we are experiencing life together in full once again. This is fulfilling me as a mother.

I knew I would be unemployed after graduation but I also knew that I owed my baby so much time. And he’s worth it.

His patience with me or lack there of has been stressful and dampening my goals. I know he does a lot as a man, but as my man, he is still struggling to understand what EYE need.

I dont feel wanted here. And to add insult to injury, them dogs just ate the meal i prepared for my baby. I just…

[heelsnthrills]

The thing is: i realized a lot this week. I learned that he has finally learned to love me. I can feel it.

Another thing: creature of habit means not learning the lesson. I have a habitual creature that finds its way into my life. Lush alkies

[heelsnthrills]

Back in that state of misery.

[heelsnthrills]

I just thought about how me reminds me of MD. See, i couldnt put my finger on it until i focused on my own patterns. I could get as jr ratchet as I wanted with MD because he would laugh it off and I would too. Playfully toxic if that even makes sense. I left him on the road one day and he definitely repaid me. We laughed it off and kept it moving. It wasnt until I announced that I had something coming that he backed away. I see him now from time to time but I never see that one person. Shorty is the same. I get to let loose some of my innermost inhibitions and he knows that it comes from a childlike place and that I mean him no real physical harm. But i gotta let him go.

[heelsnthrills]

I couldnt sleep last night because all i could do was lie awake with the truth. He isnt ready and i know that. He knows that Im waging him and the other. He is aware. He said he dont compete, he completes. I have to be honest with myself and stop fuckin playin

Almost made me (fall in) love (with) him

Almost made me cry

Almost made me happy

I almost had him thinking that I would turn around

But everybody knows

Almost doesn’t count

He almost heard me saying that I was finally free

What was always missing for me, he gave it to me

But I cant get to heaven half off the ground

Everybody knows almost doesnt count

He cant keep on loving me with one foot outside the door

I know he hears a funny hesitation from my heart that is unsure

He cant keep on trying when Im looking for more than all that he can give me…he’s asking what am I still here for

[heelsnthrills]

Still swimming neck deep in complications.

One hand, there is him. Ready to wed. Ready to learn to love.

On the other hand, there is him. A friend. Possibly the deepest love.

Then there is me. Seeing the flaws in both. Selfish & jealous. Toxic & a leery reminder of my past lover.

[heelsnthrills]

Because now that Ive been pleasured, what’s next?

[heelsnthrills]

Now that that’s done…im like…now what? While I should be doing things to focus, im lamenting. Lamenting may be a bit extreme, but Im for certain feeling. Feeling like “now what?”

The safest is waiting. The funstick is vibing. Im thinking that I want Funstick to feel

A few weeks ago, he professed his love and it didnt fall on deaf ears. What is it that I want? What is it that I need? I know he isnt the answer but he is certainly making me think about it. Why do I want him to passionately & insanely want me? When I know that it’ll make me pull away? What am I afraid of? What am I in search of?