[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

i am a mouse and i love cats

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

i don’t know what i do to deserve the treatment that i get

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

i wish i didn’t still wonder about you. why can’t i let go of what we had? why do i still romanticize you when i know my life is better without you in it? i wish i could know if you loved me too. i wish i didn’t care anymore

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

when will it be my turn to be loved wholeheartedly? what is it about me that strikes me as so unworthy of being taken seriously? why am i only worthy of sex? i yearn for someone who sees me and my soul. nobody ever seems to want to even acknowledge that i have one. i should be happy that they would even glance in my direction in the first place. how audacious of me to not be thankful for the crumbs i am left in place of love.

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

when will it be my turn to experience something mutual and real

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

growing up fat i was never considered a madonna or a whore because i was just never considered at all. i was not even worthy of eye contact because of the fear that maybe showing me a shred of kindness would cause me to think they want me.

once i started to come into myself and gain confidence and become more conventionally attractive i started to get some attention here and there. it was electrifying getting any crumb of attention after not even being worthy of eye contact before.

even if im the whore at least i am something

but i am always the whore now, and one that gets to only be desired behind closed doors. not worthy of being desired publicly.

every time i think i finally meet someone who sees me, i am too soon to find out that it was a tactic to get into my pants. even if they have sex with me and it’s not a secret, i am never someone they would publicly date.

i don’t know what it is about me that screams so loudly that i am to be used and nothing more. i don’t think im particularly desperate. i definitely deny people if im not interested. but why is it that when i am interested im never worthy of being fully desired back.

i’m worthy of friendship but never a relationship. worthy of sex but that same person would never hold my hand in public. i can be their therapist but never someone theyd introduce to their friends.

a sex doll that gives emotional support but nothing more. never a girlfriend. just forget that word entirely.

somehow i’ve gone from completely undesirable to a whore with no say in the matter at all. even when i was a virgin i was somehow still just a whore to use in their eyes

i’m so tired of not being seen as a human. i don’t know why i have been deemed undeserving of love for simply committing the crime of having a little extra fat on my stomach

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

there is a part of me that relates a lot to irrational numbers. there are some feelings that seem to go on forever. their beginning is already known and defined, but not how it ends. it never actually ends, always getting infinitely larger or smaller like an irrational number.

you could focus your entire life on learning pi. you would never complete your task. you could know the most digits of it, understand it more deeply, and how to use it better than everyone and anyone else, but you will still never know every digit. there is always another digit.

there are some questions that i constantly and endlessly ruminate over. it deeply bothers me that i’ll never truly know these things even if i know them so intimately, like the back of my hand. even if i am truly an expert on these things and questions i have. but, like an irrational number, i will never be able to see the full picture.

i used to feel like if i kept counting these numbers and memorizing every digit then finally at some point they would end or at least make sense to me, a final zero zero zero one to wrap it up nicely. irrational numbers will never wrap up nicely, and it is futile to count them to their end.

no matter how much time i dedicate to these irrational numbers i will never be able to tell you their true value. i tell can you a good part of the beginning, middle, and what i think is the end (it never ends), what i think happens, an estimate that is close, but never the complete value.

i don't know how to let go of these irrational numbers. how do i ever stop counting them when they have consumed me for so long?

i need to let go and stop caring if the other expert on my favorite irrational numbers is adding them up and counting them the same.

or if he is even counting them at all

maybe they aren't even irrational to him

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

Recently, my life has felt like I am constantly cutting onions. Different onions every day, most small, some medium, occasionally large. Some onions I feel like are never ending. I am constantly chopping this one specific onion but it never seems to get smaller. For a while I was on a kick to try to cure the crying it caused me. I tried lighting candles, wearing eye protection, chilling the onion, opening a window, sharper knives, changing my cutting technique; I have diced, minced, chopped, sliced this onion in every way possible.

Once I tried to stop chopping my onion all together and I acted like it never existed. It sat in the back of my cabinet rotting, staring at me every day. I always knew it was there even if I never acknowledged it. Every day without acknowledgement it seemed to grow slightly. It was sitting there quietly but it didn’t feel quiet to me anymore. One day, I got fed up and started chopping away at it again. A part of me missed chopping my onion. I realized I kind of liked chopping the onion and maybe that's why I just can't seem to let go of it. Maybe a part of me likes that this onion brings tears to my eyes. I mean, I’ve had this onion for so long I can’t just get rid of it. I know it so intimately. I have chopped, seasoned, and cooked it every way known to man. I know every recipe and have tasted every kind of onion and that has begun to define me.

But I also despise this onion. It’s hard to romanticize it when my hands reek and I cry everyday because of this same onion. When I’m scared to get too close to anyone in case they can smell how much I’ve been chopping that onion. It began to get ridiculous when I started adding onions to recipes they never belonged in. I’m making onions for breakfast, lunch, and dinner despite being fatigued by the taste in my mouth. But how do I ever stop chopping this onion when everything tasted so bland before it.

I wish I could just let go of onions all together. Delete the taste, smell, and idea of an onion. Maybe then when I see it staring at me, rotting in my cabinet, I’ll simply get grossed out and throw it away without a second thought. I love and hate my onion. Maybe one day I will stop craving them.

[emptytexts-deactivated20250915]

u know u really love someone when u don’t hate them for breaking ur heart 

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

please hold me for a moment longer

being tender with me..holding me sweetly or rubbing a piece of mascara off my face after crying..laying my head in your lap…i can still feel you so vividly

maybe i’m afraid to let go of you because what if i never experience something like that again? even if it was painful and left me with life altering scars..what if i never experience something even close to that again?

i can still feel you holding me..i can still feel the weight of your arms as if you were here next to me. i think that’s why i can’t let go of you.

let me hold my yearning for a moment longer if that is all i will ever get

[heavenhillgirl]

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

starting to wondering if i actually like the yearning. like at least im feeling something?

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

one day the simple thought of you won’t bring me to tears so easily

[maroonracoon]

The Fox

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

i don’t belong with you, you don’t belong with me yet i yearn for you and the life we could’ve had

[hegivesbutnotfromtheheart]

it would just be so easy but so reckless to open up messages, scroll to your texts, and text you that i miss you

[4mtns]