Adri

⚠️TW ED⚠️ This is just a safe space for me to rant and stuff if it bothers you feel free to block me! 💕personal diary of a dumb bitch💕

[heheadri]

Even though i’ve been on here for a hot minute thought i’d re introduce myself:)

name: hi! i’m adri or alex it doesn’t really matter i like both

age: i’m 16

pronouns: she/her

stats:

weight: SW-123 lbs HW-126 lbs CW-uhhhh next LW-97 lbs (i hit it then tried to recover but uh were back here so that didn’t go well) UGW- 92 lbs

height: 5’3 (short:’()

sexuality: bi or pan or omni i have no clue

struggling with: i’ve never been diagnosed but ed wise i think ednos? i binge purge (over exercise, throw up, lax abuse) restrict fast etc. and mental health wise depression suicidal thoughts and recently anxiety BUT KEEP IN MIND IVE NEVER BEEN DIAGNOSED

reason you developed an ed: i was trying to lose weight for my now ex and it fucked me up and made me fall into really bad disordered habits and now i’m stuck with horrible thoughts and habits and bad memories from him

personal stuff: i have dyed hair play animal crossing and league of legends (if you play please message me! i’m nice i swear and i need more people to play with) i love chemistry and want to be a forensic scientist! my favourite movie is baby driver and favourite show is brooklyn 99

MWAH love you all stay safe <3

[heheadri]

hi, i haven’t been on here in months and i want to say a couple things before i completely log off for GOOD.

i’ve been in recovery since my last post. real true food freedom recovery. and i’m doing so so so much better.

my bf and i broke up and that hurt but it made me stronger made me fight harder to get to a place where i’m happy with myself and i’m getting there. i still have bad days but i no longer see food as the enemy, i no longer think horrible things about my body and bodies in general and i no longer wish i was a size xxxs.

i’m fighting for my life from a disorder that has one of the highest death rates and WINNING! GUYS IM WINNING!

i never thought it would be possible but here i am:’)

if you told me a year ago i’d weigh what i do now i would have cried fasted and probably kms. but i’m ok with my body my weight how i look how much i eat.

i don’t have food rules anymore, i don’t have brain fog, i don’t plan outfits based on how bloated i might be. i don’t make being skinny my number one priority. i work out to feel good and because i like it not to punish myself.

i’m posting this because i have people attacking me for things i did on my twitter. i’m not going to go into specifics because it’s extremely triggering but they keep harassing me and telling me i’m running from my problems when it’s the opposite. i’ve been facing my problems head on fighting up hill battles getting stronger healthier and HAPPIER.

i look back on my old pictures and posts and i just hope that girl gets to a place where she loves herself because that girl isn’t me. she’s dead.

i say this from the bottom of my heart, stay safe i love you all so much you guys were my safe place my shelter my support, but i don’t need this platform anymore because my goals in life changed,

i’m not chasing a smaller body, i’m chasing my life goals of happiness education success and confidence.

-for the last time, adri<3

[heheadri]

CW/// Vent

i fell into a really bad depressive episode and i’m trying to break out of it but i just feel so unlike myself right now, my boyfriend is being so kind about it but i feel like such a burden because i’m a very broken person and have gone through so much trauma some of which i can barely remember but somehow it still impacts me. work has been so stressful because our old bookkeeper quit and the new one has been cutting hours to the point where there’s only one person closing a night and that person has been me for the past 3 shifts. i’ve almost cried so many times because it’s been crazy busy and i work in a grocery store so the place itself is huge. everyone i work with is so fed up because we’re hitting stage 3 of reopening in my city and that means going back to how everything was before covid so that’s kinda going to suck because then everyone excepts you to move faster. and while i can a lot of my coworkers are slower which i don’t mind but then it causes me to stress because the line grows longer. i’ve gained a lot of weight recently too and it’s been really bad on my mental health, i haven’t exactly been binging but overeating for sure. a couple days ago my boyfriend found out about something i did when we were broken up and he got pretty upset about it, he said he forgave me but i hate hurting people to the point where i’d rather kms then cause someone else pain. that was kinda my tipping point and my brain shut down and took it out on me with the worst body dysmorphia i’ve ever experienced, like i never really know what my body looks like but it’s been next level recently and i don’t want to weigh or measure myself because that’s just gonna make everything worse. it’s like my body isn’t even mine and it’s just a flesh cage that i want to desperately destroy. my throat hurts from purging too much and my nail kept stabbing one side of it and now i can barely swallow without pain. im trying to work on myself so i can be better for my boyfriend because he’s one of two people keeping me alive right now and i don’t know what i would do without him. we’re trying to book his trip here but there’s still flight restrictions despite both of us being fully vaccinated so he might not be able to come here for my birthday, so that’s kinda shitty. this whole thing doesn’t make any sense but i just wanted to get everything out

[heheadri]

i keep seeing new accounts pop up everyday and i just wanted to say

please get out, leave tumblr, leave while you still can,

it’s not worth it

no matter how much meanspo tries to convince you otherwise

it’s a living hell every single day

if you’re just stumbling upon this community or youre starting to starve yourself

it will seem easy at first but after a month or so everything will just be painful

i wish i could go back to being carefree not giving a fuck about food but i can’t

so please take care of yourself enjoy life

please

signed,

someone who’s so tired of this

[heheadri]

time to starve as much as i can until the 4th of august:) i will not look as disgusting as i do now when he sees me

that’s a promise i’m making to you guys and myself

[heheadri]

lmao fuck being healthy i’ve gained so much i hate my body i hate myself i hate what i did to myself

i’m fasting idc

[heheadri]

july 1st 2021

i’m flying my bf out to see me for my birthday and all i can think about is how disgusting i look and how i’m definitely not good enough for him,

he’s literally the best thing to happen to me and he’s perfect for me in every way, like he’s so understanding and kind and caring and makes me laugh on my worst days

when i tell him i want to cry cause of work or i’m having a bad day he says “I can’t control how your days go but I’m always working to end it in a good note”

i feel like i’m not good enough even though he tells mr how perfect i am and how beautiful i am and he doesn’t care about my weight

today we were about to watch a movie over a meet and i asked if i should make popcorn and to tell me honestly if i should not just because you want me to eat and he said i know they’re one of your safe foods like popsicles and sweet potatoes so yea definitely go get some.

i don’t want to compare him to my ex and i can’t even because he completely blows him out of the water, when i would talk about my ed with my ex he would just tell me he’s sorry he doesn’t understand it but wil literally went and asked a friend of his who went into treatment how he could help me better.

i honestly don’t know what id do without him and i love him so much but i do want to lose weight before i see him because i feel so gross right now

i’ve been focusing on weight training to build muscle because it boosts your metabolism but that also means ill weigh more because muscle weighs more than fat

i’m trying not to weigh myself and actually try to get better in a sense but i don’t want to gain weight

i feel so fat and ugly and i just want to die even though every other part of my life is going well

smh i feel ungrateful

anyways if you read this congrats? i guess? i just wanted to talk about my life because i treat this blog more like a diary than anything else

the day i get taken down is probably the day i end it all but let’s hope that doesn’t happen

stay safe, take your meds and drink your water

adri loves you<3

[heheadri]

i’m very much so freaking out right now,

an irl of mine who absolutely hates me somehow found my ed twtr account and went through my likes

she then sent me a ss asking me how i thought that was ok and how disgusting it was

i’m at work right now but i’m trying not to break down

[heheadri]

this is insane, i privated my account and changed my dn to offline until further notice and she posted about me talking about how i thought i was better because i was skinny and how i deleted my account it because they found it

like what did she expect me to do? start a fight? all i wanted was a safe space and she took that and made me feel like a shit person for having disordered thoughts that are literally part of a mental illness

i’m upset and angry and just feel so disgustingly violated

[heheadri]

i’m very much so freaking out right now,

an irl of mine who absolutely hates me somehow found my ed twtr account and went through my likes

she then sent me a ss asking me how i thought that was ok and how disgusting it was

i’m at work right now but i’m trying not to break down

[heheadri]

my boyfriend has been so amazing lately and just UGH i love him so much but he wants me to eat more and i’m trying to do that but all i can think about is how fat i am and that makes me want to STARVE

[heheadri]

HEY ED/SH TUMBLR

PLEASE STOP LABELING YOUR SH PICS WITH ED TAGS BECAUSE IT CAN BE VERY TRIGGERING TO SEE CUTS WHEN IM TRYING TO FIND THINSPO THANKS!!!!

[cribblingdebression]

my least favorite part of having an eating disorder is the constant arguing and bargaining in your head. racing thoughts all the fuckin time like, “okay I’ve had 75 calories today. I can have a banana and still be under 200. wait, 1200 is still considered restriction. how much would I lose this week with a daily deficit of 500 calories? I can do that. I’ll still lose weight. but not as much as if I fasted. no. just have nothing. you could lose 3.5 lbs. this week! just have nothing. people do it every day. just have a fucking banana. you won’t even be at maintenance. but what if it triggers a binge? think about your jawline. why don’t I just have everything I want and purge? what percentage can you get back up when you purge? hey google…” AND IT NEVER STOPS.

[skinnygrungedreams]

pretty sure i’ve reblogged this already before but it’s just so accurate

[suicidal-kiwi]

this is literally so fucking accurate. my brain will always tell me shit like “just have a fruit and dont log it” but bitch i know what i did!

[hungryiguess]

the accuracy is astonishing

[heheadri]

my friend and i who both have ed’s were talking about trying to lose weight in a healthier way, like obviously i’m not just gonna magically recover or something but i do want to get out of the binge purge fast cycle more than anything in my life because it’s been absolutely draining and causing me to get really depressed which then repeats the cycle. like i just want to be happy with my body for once. i’ve been struggling with my ed for over a year now and it’s ruined so many things for me. i’m so fucking tired of it but i don’t want to actually recover because i feel like i’m not sick enough and i don’t want to gain weight.

idk this whole rant was pointless, i just want gyms to open so i can spend 4 hours a day there and just forget i exist

[blindedbythedarkness]

me:

my brain: dont worry if things go wrong you can always kill yourself :))))))

[heheadri]

so uhhh guess who’s getting back together with their ex? it’s me but to be fair he’s the one person i see myself having a future with

[heheadri]

yea i’ve been binging/eating normally for the past two days so starting a fast- if you wanna join dm me:)

[heheadri]

I PASSED MY TEST YALL!!!

buttt i also called my ex yesterday so that’s FUN