Lena's Gender Blog @helensalinus - Tumblr Blog

I think I've reached the end of the trans girl mood of "Sigh, I wish I was a girl."

Now hitting the lesbian mood of "Sigh, I wish I had a girlfriend."

Sometimes I worry that being an extrovert with social anxiety is a really bad combination in times of Covid.

Like there are alternatives to socializing in person. I have messaging apps. Video calls. I could organize an online game. Something.

But social anxiety makes that too much. I have so many unread messages that I can't reach out. I feel too anxious.

The disgust I have with the militarization of police and the complete ignorance some people have around leftism also fuels my anxiety. Part of me wants to be out there but I have to think about my son that I'm responsible for and my student who should have someone like me in the fall.

So here I remain. Feeling stuck in a house with no way out.

Woke up this morning feeling I don't know.

Off?

I feel like I have one friend in this time of Corona and I felt like he was angry with me last night.

I hate that I made him upset at me.

It makes me want to cut off contact, and climb into my shell. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be around people.

But it also makes me feel like I need to engage in some solitary activities. I need some time to center myself to get away from my phone. I need to do a puzzle or play a solo board game or read a book.

I don't know what I need. It's easiest to turn on the TV and lay on the couch, but is that really what's best for me?

It's very bright out today. I wish I could go out and enjoy it, but I don't know what to do.

I need more friends.

I feel like it's hard to cultivate friendships in the time of corona. Maybe I need to reach out and start conversations. Use the online tools and talk to strangers. That's a habit I have and it's hard to break.

I worry that teaching is impossible these days. My profession is reduced to providing a space for kids to play school. Those who have privilege know how to play the game. Those that don't... Well... The fact is nobody is learning.

My gender is in error. I have that in black and white now. But now it has to go through the bureaucracy of New York State. So that will take time. It feels like It should be a milestone, but it's really just another form. Maybe I'll feel differently when I have my new birth certificate.

Organization

I’ve never been a terribly organized person. I tend to be more free form in my approach and that has not served me well as a first-year teacher. Today, I spent the day at work getting marginally more organized than I was before.

I’m nowhere near done, but it’s a start to having a better second semester.

I want to have a room that is more welcoming and more functional.

I also snuck a picture of Natalie Wynn on my Wall.

Tomorrow, I watch her new video. I have been hurt by her in the past, but I’m interested with trepidation on what she has to say.

My Entire Life I Feel Like I Resisted Routine

I always felt like it was going to stifle my creativity. That my spirit was too free for routine.

But whenever I don’t have a routine to keep me going, I get depressed. This week has been one long depression bender. It’s been real bad.

So today, I gave myself a routine, and I think it’s working.

I made myself get up at 6 even though I had the day off. I watched a movie called Predestination, which is a time travel movie with transgender themes. The story revolves around an intersex trans man. When he discovers that he is intersex, the character is socked, but when his doctor recommends HRT and surgery. He kind of just goes along with it. In his pre-transitioned life, he says he feels off, which could be dysphoria. But we also never get any gender euphoria either. I believe the filmmakers are cis, so that might explain the lack of clarity around the character.

Regardless, after watching this movie I went for a walk then basically napped all afternoon. My partner and I tried to play video games, but we found that we couldn’t really get into it when we had to watch our son. I want to try to spend deliberate time with her. I think video games are going to be one of those things we only do on occasion, either when our son is sleeping or when he’s older.

I also originally wanted to write in a physical journal, but for some reason, it was more comfortable for me to write this out here. Maybe that will change with time. Who can say?

Max miss you

Aw... Max I miss you too. I'm still here. I just haven't felt inspired to blog recently. I don't know. Maybe I should get back into it.

I Try Not To Show Weakness At Work

So I don't talk about how much I hate my job and my life.

I wonder if I should? I wonder who I could tell that I want to leave this school or maybe education all together? I wonder if people could give me advice and support?

Or maybe they would just show me the door.

My suicide ideation has an image. Me, dead, discovered in the morning. This would be cruel of me. My queer students would be devastated. I couldn't do that to them. And the town wouldn't care. They would probably just blame it on the fate of mental illness.

Sorry for talking about suicide ideation so much. I promise I'm going to ask about antidepressants at my next doctor's visit and I start counseling next week.

I Don’t Know What To Look Forward to in My Life Anymore

The job I so desperately wanted, I have, and it fills me with anxiety and dread.

The games, movies, and books that I used to crave to consume at every opportunity now just seem dull and tedious.

The family I love and cherish, I am a burden to. And I feel they will lose more by standing by me.

The gender which I am obsessed with transitioning to seems like it will destroy me, my livelyhood, and everything I love.

Several of my students have told me transphobic and homophobic things this week

They don't realize that I am Trans and Queer.

I'm questioning my future in education.

I made a finsta for people I’m out to.

If any mutuals want to keep in touch there, feel free to DM me.

What the New Contra Points Video Made Me Realize About my Own Transition

As I typed up my hot takes on 'Men,' I kept thinking:

I am not a man. This video isn't for me. Should I be making this criticism?

These thoughts made me realize that of course I found masculine role models unsatisfying. Masculinity never fit me.

Since puberty until I started my transition, I had a series of crises of masculinity. As such, I kept doubling down on the male identity, which made it hard to free myself from that when I realized I was trans for the second time.

But watching this video, I realized it was really hard to criticize Natalie because I just didn't know what was and wasn't a satisfying model for nontoxic masculinity. How could I? I'm a woman.

That said there were some generally bad takes she had on Leftism, Feminism, and womanhood. Glad I could turn to Tumblr to get the takes I crave.

I still think she's worth watching because I got something out of it. Doesn't mean the video itself can't be harmful on a larger scale.

helensalinus

I Think About Killing Myself Sometimes

Late at night, right before bed, I basically have a mental meltdown. My exhaustion is overwhelming. I get really bad depression. And I want to die.

It should bother me that I want to kill myself. It should bother me that I won't be able to continue to transition. It should bother me that I won't be a teacher if I die. It should bother me that my death would put a burden on my partner. It should bother me that I wouldn't see my son grow up.

And yet, sitting here, typing this, not feeling down or actively suicidal, it doesn't? Like, I don't want to die right now, but it's like I have no strong feelings on the matter. Perhaps this is a sign of my mental illness.

I can't kill myself. I have health insurance coming. I can get into a better therapist. They can help me. I can hold on until then.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't want to kill myself, so I refuse to make plans about it. And if the feelings get overwhelming, I have a crisis chat line in my phone.

helensalinus

I type all this out and a song called “Last Days” shows up on my Spotify, FML

#life is funny sometimes #But it has an awkward sense of Humor

I Think About Killing Myself Sometimes

Late at night, right before bed, I basically have a mental meltdown. My exhaustion is overwhelming. I get really bad depression. And I want to die.

It should bother me that I want to kill myself. It should bother me that I won't be able to continue to transition. It should bother me that I won't be a teacher if I die. It should bother me that my death would put a burden on my partner. It should bother me that I wouldn't see my son grow up.

And yet, sitting here, typing this, not feeling down or actively suicidal, it doesn't? Like, I don't want to die right now, but it's like I have no strong feelings on the matter. Perhaps this is a sign of my mental illness.

I can't kill myself. I have health insurance coming. I can get into a better therapist. They can help me. I can hold on until then.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't want to kill myself, so I refuse to make plans about it. And if the feelings get overwhelming, I have a crisis chat line in my phone.

helensalinus

Picrew Weekend Me (She/Her)

helensalinus

Picrew Weekday Me (They/Them)

Picrew Weekend Me (She/Her)

Me: (checking out at Kroger wearing a mix of girl and guy clothes)

Cashier: "Were you born in February or June?"

Me: (not thinking) "February."

Cashier: "You are so beautiful, like, movie star beautiful."

Me: "Aw... Thank you." (Runs away).

Me: (in the car a second later) "!!!!! What was that!?! Did I pass? Did she clock me? Was that flirting?!?! I am flustered!!!!"

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