was more fun, just as exhausting, sometimes a bit frustrating
communicating with my parents keeps being an issue sometimes
tons of video & picture i gotta organise & post (largely so i can give them 2 my ma & so x has stuff 2 give to their da)
idk when thatll b up
today was rest day; i mostly rolled around in bed between attempts 2 sleep; mon-tues was a 48 hr cycle of no sleep so that was fun
tomorrow is the last day they here; supposedly just hanging out bf they go
probs gon back 2 semi-hiatus again on here after that, but gon do my best 2 return 2 talking on discord & whatnot; its just been so exhausting spending all my spoons on trying 2 socialise in person AND try 2 keep up online
--
@ a couple of u that responded 2 my recent posts: thanks 4 the compliments & the sweet thoughts
specifically:
@ tobi that was def meant 2 read more like some sort of poetry, im glad u thought so C: (ps thanks 4 the well wishes/holiday wishes on messenger i saw that & it was so sweet :yellow-heart:)
@ nebet im super flattered ty
@ specs haha flash will take ur love & devour it & ask 4 more
beach dint turn out bc it was so dang crowded there wasnt any parking avail (not surprised at all thats fine i wanted 2 go just bc my ma was so stoked ab going; im the weirdo that lives in florida but has zero interest in beaches)
we ate outside the condo parents borrowed from some fancypants coworker of my das 4 the wk, next 2 the pool thing
sun was nice, breeze was nice, i dint have 2 wear beach gear in front of millions of strangers, was a win 4 me
was relaxing & shit
chase & x left after a while 2 go do chases fam obligation bc they Would Not Stop Bugging Him the whole dang wk in spite of his telling them that my parents were only gonna b here a limited time & its been almost 10 yrs since we seen them & we have 2 deal w his parents constantly & they get 2 see us a lot even when we dont want 2 (but hey what the fuck is courtesy right) & x went with 2 give chase some support
ma called my granma 2 do HER fam obligation (their relationship is super fucking strained @ this point 4 a ton of reasons that aint worth getting into)
i got the joy of hearing the conversation (bc ma puts phone on speaker) & like, my hearing is shit but i could hear enough words & tone & brain could supply the rest bc its shit ive heard bf 2 tell from context (& get confirmation ab after the fact later to fill in the rest)
which uhhhhhhhh
uhhhh
amounted 2 things i wasnt surprised 2 b hearing but
rly killed me & i keep thinking ab it &
boy did it sure “help” the depression im already mired in
cw 4 a shit ton of misgendering & other gross dysphoria & abuse bs
factsrok
i had a fun experience
i had 2 go outside so i wouldnt have complete melt down & scream my head off
ecks
oh
your parents buggin hard?
factsrok
no
my ma called my granma but had her on speaker loud enough i could hear enough
so i heard granma constantly using wrong pronouns & dead name & talking loudly ab how "she was never like this bf jerry (birth da)'s ex wife got ahold of her (aka abuse turned me gay & trans)" & on & on in that mein how "she missed her little grandaughter" etc etc & in general how awful this was 4 HER etc
ecks
jesus fucking christmas crackers
factsrok
yeah
real punch in the nuts
ecks
sit on a cactus and spin, grandma
do you need us to come get you or anything
factsrok
& she wonders why i never wanna talk 2 her
nah
i talked w them after ma hung up on her & im mostly ok enough
ecks
ok /hugs
factsrok
hugs back
im not gonna let her bs ruin what was a good time
we watching a crimmus story & chillin
ecks
good
im watchin chase's mom roll out plates to poison me
factsrok
oh lord
ecks
they all wanted to know where you were
chase mentioned that mom deffo wanted to see us (the usual cutesy misgendering) for giving us stuff
factsrok
dying a slow death of being reminded who i cant b 2 ppl who should have my back lol
& lol ofc
ecks
u da bes good sof boi & i will FITE
factsrok
ilu2
thank
so not only did i get fun 1st hand dysphoria meltdown from that
but x had a grate time wrt the usual bs @ chases parents bc they always do the same even tho they know we both trans dudes as well but either conveniently ignore/forget it or just plain refuse 2 acknowledge it as if by sheer repetition of she/her & “you girls” etc they can force us 2 be something else
our gifts were 2 sets of extremely girly matchy match pj sets that dont even fit (like, not by a long shot, these r obvs made 4 for-reals little smol girls........)
& that was def triggering as hell 4 me, idk ab x
i kept & keep thinking ab how much of a doll my ex step ma made me into
or how its HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS only not that the jokes on my granma i was queer as fuck bf any of the abuse ever happened)
its uh
its rly jarring also & honestly im afraid of when im going 2 reach my boiling point bc i can feel it coming, have felt it 4 a long time but never been brave enough
ive come a long way; confrontation has never been a thing i can do; like trying 2 grab electricity & hold it or some dumb shit like that
but i feel like i could, like i can, like i will if someone fucking does this 2 me again
i dont want 2 ruin things & make it worse 4 my parents or 4 chase
bc it wont change anything 2 yell @ either my granma or chases parents (or even not 2 yell but 2 counter whatever they say calmly
just the ACT of telling them 2 their face they r wrong, they r crushing me, they r killing me slowly each time they do this bullshit
my new haircut courtesy of x & their rad skills with the buzzer
i think i look hilariously wonderful from the back, tbh--
i have like... 3+ cowlicks x has 2 constantly battle with when cutting my hair
--but none of it is pictured here bc i had a hard time taking any shots of the back on my own & kept forgetting this whole time 2 ask 4 any so
just like trust me that i have like
whirlpool swirls in my head that mess with making it a straight line down the back
it still looks p sweet 2 me after dealing with like... way 2 many months of watching everything fall out every time i so much as even ran fingers thru it or laid down on a pillow or... basically existed
im looking forward 2 growing it out more
might even try & like
idk dye it
i havent dyed my hair in yrs bc its been so brittle & unmanageable & dying hair is Upkeep From Hell anyway but like
fuck it right? feels like excuses not 2 have a little fun 4 myself 4 something i miss
like how i keep telling myself ill paint my nails again, a thing that made me happy, then finding excuses why not 2
so yeah
maybe
idk what colour id even pick tho
also its interesting 2 me looking @ these photos in hindsight
or rly any of the photos ive taken of myself lately
or when i look in a mirror
bc like goddamn im reminded each time that ive lost a lot of weight over the months as well
yet i still been getting New People who get shoved onto my case (like my last rheumatologist appt when i met 1 of his... i think assistants? a nurse practitioner? some1)
& they take a look @ my weight after the scale records it, or take a look @ all of me & dont notice the sagging skin or the reduction in weight over time from pill side effects & generally changing my already decent eating habits & working on my activity levels 2 get back 2 where i was bf the hospital or... or rly anything 2 try & please these ppl even when i know it will never b enough bc no 1 but esp doctors see nothing but Fat First & everything else later if im even lucky
they see just the fact that they follow a shitty bmi yardstick & i weigh a little over 200 lbs & have giant tits that prob weigh like 20 lbs each & i wish that was hyperbole god my back
& i get the Lecture either subtle or not so subtle like a brick
im still spitting mad ab the doc i got bf the pain clinic or the rheumatologist, the lady who barely looked @ all my records, my charts, my anything, who was so ignorant ab the problems i came 2 her with on recommendation, who dint even know what half the things were she was supposed 2 know as an internal & infection specialist, who told me flat out 2 my face right after i got out of the hospital after coming so close 2 fucking dying
when i looked like i was slowly being eaten alive from the inside out (when i still kind of do but i guess its just not Obvious Enough
when i couldnt walk @ all without assistance
when she told me that i wasnt sick
that i was perfectly healthy
that nothing was wrong with me
that i just needed 2 lose more weight & everything would b fine
i almost kicked the bucket literally days bf i came 2 u lady
but ok sure lets focus on the thing that was the least of my problems & still is
shit i wasnt gonna whinge ab any of this & here i am as usual
fuck it
look & my rad hair & ignore this its under a cut anyway
this is flash, since i kept promising several ppl pics ever since x returned home with him & then not producing them
i have like
a billion more
he is a shrieking hell goblin who constantly stomps on me, yells in my face @ every opportunity, is a big baby that wails when we leave the room even 4 an instant, chirps questions he knows the answers 2 & throws his dishes off the shelves & walks all over places he shouldnt go & gets stuck in places he knows better of like inside cabinets or on the backs of the tv
& basically trolls the everloving shit out of me @ every possible opportunity that he gets
he is horrible 4 productivity as shown
the moment the laptop or ipad comes out
so does he
there r days i want 2 pick him up & shake him a little & ask him WHY WHY DO U DO THE THINGS U DO HELL CAT
when i want 2 say things like why wont u just let me sleep
why wont u leave me be i need 2 recharge
but i know why
(bc him cat, bc him can
bc this a home where he CAN b loud, & ask 4 reassurance, & make himself big & talky & demanding of love & attention
4 once, @ last
bc he is needy with people who will touch him whenever he wants & sing him 2 sleep & worship him like the little tyrant gremlin that he is
christmas tree shortage here. artists make do or something.
we opened our christmas presents tonight ‘cuz we gotta be up early tomorrow to drive places and no one got time for hauling presents around.
i got the cool three eyed crow pin from joe and a plague knight plushie from roy/chase :) supposedly other gifts coming still but i’m cool with that.
roy and i gave chase the thunderjaw collection (horizon zero dawn robo trex figure!!). i got roy a bunch of kingdom hearts stuff (keychain, mini figure, and then a figure of his Boy) plus delicious candies. aaand joe scored a majora’s mask nendo for him.
i havent posted in a long time bc im still not doing that great tbh & tumblr just hasnt been that great an environment 4 me 2 be around on top of it
but showing off cool loot next to my other smol desk friends seems like the Thing 2 Do that isnt more whinging ab health problems or sleep study delays or whatever so check out my rad Axel nobody figure (with bonus heartless), my nendo link from majoras mask, roxas blind bag keyblade keychain, & kairi blindbag figure!! bc these totally made my day
(also funny story ab the axel figure where i almost ruined it by trying 2 buy it 4 myself with x & chase struggling not 2 say anything & luckily none with left beef being in stock when i was browsing)
as 4 any other updates uhh
happy surviving another year 2 yall
im spending the end of the month with my ma & da who came down all the way from indiana
& its super hectic & physically draining but im rly hecking glad 2 see them after like 7+ (?) some yrs
we goin on a beach picnic in clearwater tomorrow & the local lowry zoo on tuesday
i dont think ive shown any cat pictures bc ive been avoiding tumblr 4 the most part other than checking a few blogs like reading the newspaper (sort of) but we do have a cat now on top of having hammy since x rescued him from montana when they came home
my new phone (which i also got recently) is full of like
98% cat
its ridiculous
hes not even my cat but here we r that sure is a Thing
uhh what else
ive gotten a haircut & my hair finally stopped falling out in clumps so i can stop spiraling into further dumb sads ab that @ least i guess even tho i still have patches missing
ive written some dumb things & drawn some even dumber things tho im not sure ill post much if any of it since my confidence is as ever @ an all new low these days
super proud of my bestie 4 writing a whole fucking novel the past few months & working on i think 2 (?) more simultaneously; goddamn i could burst with how much 2nd hand pride ive got jfc they did/doin so good & its a joy 2 be a part of it by doin some of the editing/beta’ing
shit im sure theres more i could b saying my brain functions r rly bad these days
ive been not so great either ab keeping in touch with almost every1 i care ab & i keep disappearing from social contact from the ppl i talk 2 on discord which im sorry ab that im just so drained all the time or i lose track of the days/time even more than normal or im often just lying in bed not even rly doing anything but sleeping or when i do manage 2 get up its usually 2 like... shove myself into chores where i dont have 2 think or feel & then either watch dumb shit on tv by myself or with family & then sleep more & repeat the process etc
i appreciate all the ppl that check on me or nudge me into doing things 2 break the cycle
sometimes i still just
dont wanna think or feel anyway
ya feel?
n e way even if ive been absent so long or just 2 quiet, i still love yall
i hope every1 is safe & warm & junk
& if yall celebrate dif holidays or none holiday or whatever
i wish yall the best appropriate wishes @ the closing of whats been a heck of a hard year 4 a lotta folks
have any useful life updates 2 give at this point so im likely 2 go back into a semi hiatus again on here 4 a bit
particularly since im plateaued as far as news on my personal health stuff goes--at least until my rescheduled appts pop up & things get rolling again/changes that arent screaming negatives (like all my hair loss ha ha ha thats been fun......) bother 2 show up
& i just dont have anything rly 2 talk ab rn that isnt screaming negatives & im 2 tired 4 that
& even more so bc like
its probs best that at this point x gives any more details on their situation w/their da & how they doing out in MT themselves if & when they choose
this is super late rebagl on my part 4 a whole host of reasons but my good buddy knows whats up
also knows how 2 give gifts that make me get all gross & weepy
ive gushed a couple times already in discord but im gonna do it again
this little troublemaker always needs more love
also im super amused bc like, i havent mentioned it 2 any1 but its kinna accidentally become this
irly informal dumb tradition??? on my part at this point that i go out & get rad art of him on my b-day but i havent... been able 2 go commission my fav artists 2 do that the last couple of times
& unintentionally or not
@oh3ck has actually ended up gifting me art of him each time LOL
so yeah--i look at this (& each 1 in my saved folder) & i smile bc i feel loved & thats a nice reminder
also its hecking good art B)
god i love that mischievous smile & the im a precocious troublemaker pose ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
x made it safely thru 2 planes 2 their destination so yay 4 tiny slivers of good news
x’s da is struggling even on the ventilator; today they had 2 move him 2 a new room specifically bc he needs better oxygen or st (not clear on details but its not good news)
theres more i could prob say but its mostly needless whinging that detracts from this & its not ab me rn
thank 4 continued support @ yall (im srry im not respnding individually 2 commentary & messages i just dont have it in me rn)
cleanup is slow & tedious & kind of depressing but at least its doing something instead of sitting around feeling srry 4 myself
our fridge looks ridiculous but im glad 4 what we at least still have (& our pantry looks less ridiculous so we arent starving, its just... awkward because the things we have are half of this or half of that for meals--like plenty of dry pasta but nothing 2 put on it, or bread but no meat or fixings for sandwiches, or cereal but no milk, etc.)
the good news (& there is some):
garbage collection is supposed 2 be on schedule tomorrow so all the gross rotty drippy food that spoiled & refroze (or didnt... refreeze...) in the 48+ hrs of florida humid heat when we were w/o power wont need 2 linger & cause any health problems or attract animals on our property
further semi-good news is our power is mostly stable so far (it flickers enough 2 make me nervous & 2 question storing anything long term in the fridge 4 the time being even if we can fill it up again; we think the brief interruptions might be partially to blame on the giant pump across from our property thats been working overtime 2 suck all the floodwater away, & also when the company is bringing more ppl back on line? we arent sure; it doesnt last long so far thankfully so no heatstroke 4 me which is my biggest fear after my heatstroke fiasco a few months ago)
tomorrow i have an appt that wasnt canceled since it was scheduled further out than the other appt; basically gonna be the same as the last 1s i guess: “this isnt helping, cross it off the list; still havent been able 2 get those tests bc the universe is out 2 get me but im still kicking, what now” but at least im still on schedule w/them
while we out we gonna try 2 get more water (we dont have much left but we had some gatorade collecting dust that should last short-term just in case tho itll limit our cooking options even further since tap water, even filtered, around here is enough 2 upset stomachs at best) & a few more supplies
im thinking positive; for all i know supplies are being shipped in since what we saw last night & itll be easy
in the meantime, gonna rest & then eat some of that tasty roasty chicken we managed 2 snag out of a nearly picked-clean display from a publix yesterday thumbsup.jpg (its hiding behind the chili in a coffee cup we picked up 4 x bc they ran out of chili cups at the wendys with the understandable overflow of customers lol)
thanks again 2 everyone thats been asking 4 updates & asking after our well being
we are doing fine just exhausted (in all the ways) & kind of zombiefied & waiting 4 things to not be quite so
we got power back todaaay. it’s been pretty dicey tho, might lose it again.
grocery stores and food joints are picked clean. no water, no canned goods, no gas. hopefully supplies get run down here soon, else we’ll be in a tight spot.
the update 4 ppl on my side of the interwebs that dont follow x
it went out once already
not sure what we gonna do if it dont stay on lol
staying steady enough i can at least reach out 2 ppl online again which is nice but im not gonna hold my hopes on this & im keeping my batteries charged & my broken as fuck ipad 4 stealing wi-fi data in the truck lol bc its better an option than nothing 2 get out 2 ppl if the power goes down again
our fridge is full of rotten & rotting things--not sure if garbage is gonna be running on thursday so THATLL be fun 2 deal w/ ha ha ha
we safe tho
we were extremely ridiculously joyously lucky
like
i keep being bowled over by how lucky we got
we went out 2x so far 2 see the town (both here & over in tampa) & jfc the amount of flooding & dmg in some places
the lack of supplies avail
the places closed down
the places that are OPEN
we were pretty high & dry the whole time; no structural dmg, nothin
literally our problems rn are power & food & the threat of gas running out if supplies dont pick up
i sure hope the prices dont also jack up on what supplies are avail
supposedly florida has laws against that shit but
this whole aftermath is nuts & im not rly processing it yet i think
i heard on the radio a few hrs ago that something like 5 mil ppl still w/o power & its expected 2 take 1-2wks 2 get even some of that up & running again
irma hit EVERYTHING at once, even all the backup
power utilities are smashed
they had 2 truck in workers from out of state (im still not sure i heard the numbers right but it sounded like 9k 4 just 1 power company, & then another additional 1k 4 another??)
just 2 try & get enough manpower 2 work around the clock 4 this shit
im
i feel so surreal & a bit disoriented & disassociated rn
its like im living abruptly in some vaguely written dystopian novel
gotten a couple ppl either @’ing me or messaging me by now so coming out of semi-hiatus 2 give a small public note here:
we are ok for the moment
- we dont live in the areas where mandatory evacs are going on--we live where its definitely going to dump a lot of weather on us, though
- we have options if we DO need 2 end up emergency evac’ing (theres a VA hospital set up we can go 2 according 2 chase; his parents work there & i guess they are preparing 4 that so thats just 1 option there)
- we live in a neighborhood where it tends 2 get pretty immediate responses 2 natural disasters/emergencies (like flooding, power outages, etc.)
- we are more likely gonna need 2 watch out 4 wind damage as an issue than anything else, from what i understand
- we have food, water, & other supplies (stuff like first aid & batteries/flashlights/etc.)
- we as prepared as we can get i guess
- thank 4 all the concern, we love yall
my thoughts go out 2 those who are in worse shape already--& those that will get hit way harder than we will during the weekend
