[vangoghcore]

by eddiekruger

[poetry-siir]

[vexheart]

“I wish you to know

that you have been the last dream of my soul.”

—Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

[hellburngod]

Free yourself from your suffering, you choose everyday to punish yourself. Being alive is a gift, find something within yourself or around you to be thankful for. As challenging life is, you can handle it and continue to grow. Throughout the years you have always come back on your feet and moved forward. Yes you tend to dwell on the pain of the past and overthink too much. But you are worthy of love and life. You don’t have to earn being treated right. You deserve to live this life as long or short you have it on this earth. You are more than enough and you always have been. The people around you adore you, the only person you have the most trouble with is yourself. Stop stopping your voice, speak your emotions in any way you can. Grow and keep growing because you can. Keep shining your light.

081922

[hellburngod]

06102021

A typical thursday, I dogsat Halo and Haven. I picked up Jeremy and headed to Zen. Dinner at Zen on a thursday can be busy or just extremely slow. This day was somewhat busy but I managed. My emotional state was pretty bad and that’s how I can tell I worked pretty well. Mimi seemed off and I asked if she was okay twice and she withheld the info. Maybe she just hates the job, maybe its something else. She seemed very upbeat with Jeremy, so my brain instantly fabricated this idea she hates me. LOL. I down spiraled and now Im down in the dumps in a very ‘oh no my mental illness.’ I was distant, quiet and the typical toxic jaz vibes. I just think it’ll be a good idea to keep a distance from my friends until Im better, I dont want to worry them.

[hellburngod]

honestly, fuck you to hell. I know I shouldn’t be mean, I shouldn’t be attack you with negativity to looking at the past and seeing it so cynically but a part of me just can’t help me. I assume I see it this way so that the angry part of me knows I would never want to go back. I made peace, but yes I feel anger and annoyance about how things are and came to be. Yes im thankful we parted way, but to think that you are living your life ignorantly and not growing or owning up to your bullshit.... Pisses me offffff. I wish you would just be held accountable and get the bad karma you deserve, but I dont want to be disappointed so I rather wish you well. Sometimes I hope you are still dying and hurting over losing me. I hope you still cry over me or want me. I hope you believe ill be the best you’ll ever have, however, if you were to ever to even tell me such a thing I wouldn’t even believe you. Youre a liar, youre scum, you dont respect anyone. Anything you could say to me would mean nothing, you aren’t a good respectable person. I hate everything you did to me, and it sucks how it makes things hard for me to trust other or to believe in myself. But for this exact reason, I would never want you in my life ever fucking again. I dont think you’ll ever amount to what I deserve. In my truth, you’ll always be scum, a piece of shit, and you probably dont deserve true happiness. But to wish you anything would be too much, too good for you ANYWAYS. I HOPE that SOOON, youll fully be nothing to me, not even a stupid ass ex.

[sunsetquotes]

“You’re not in love with me, not really, you just love the way I always made you feel. Like you were the center of my world. Because you were. I would have done anything for you.”

— Abby McDonald

[hellish-daddy]

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts,rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”

— Liam Neeson - (hatin)

[hellburngod]

i’m okay with my path ending here, i like watching the people around me succeed and do better. i’m okay with leaving, i mean i’m not completely at peace with it but i’m more at peace with it than i am than most ppl i assume. i feel a lot of guilt for my family, i know they won’t understand and i know it would hurt them so much... but they’re strong enough to overcome it bc i know they can. i know my friends will be okay, bc they’ve always been okay. i don’t think i’ve ever made a home in another person— not enough for them to truly grieve and die over my own passing. i just want everyone to be happy and i know they will, i just want to end my path here. my choice, my control..... i’ll make my life long imprint here for those around me and just fade into the blackness.

[hellburngod]

soooo jaz,

all i can say it that you don’t have to fight it anymore.

do not fight a losing battle.

if it is meant to be, it will be.

let life happen

it’s okay to step back even if your heart doesn’t want to.

you’re not doing this because you want to, but you have to for your own happiness and have more chances on something happier.

imagine— all the chances you gave him, you lose those chances for yourself.

essentially all the times he’s cheated are the times you could’ve just had a chance to be happier w/o him.

i know, i know you love him with almost every atom, cell, in your body.. but ykno... time and time again it proves to be lacking

you always want something more

ofc you want him but you want more than that, and he just can’t provide that..

how could you ever love someone as much as him, or even... more??? like nah impossible, never again

but what if those chances he messed up were meant to be new chances for you to feel okay... and to have a chance to just have something more than anything you felt with him..

well... either way, jaz.. i respect your choice bc i love you loving him, but i just hate to see you so sad and hurt so often after going through so much already. you deserve to be so much happier than this and you know you could be..

if things worked out with him it would be amazing, but it’s just getting repetitive for you to be hurt like this ykno.. it’s not fair

[hellburngod]

hey, well i guess i’m back to writing here instead of my finsta for the moment. i just want these thoughts to be hidden, my shame, my hurt.

jaz you’re here again

you trusted the same person that has betrayed you not just once, not just twice but more than six times….

again it went that far

again

he hurt you

betrayal

disloyalty

lies

lies

secrets

disrespect

again he disrespects you

and again you give him another chance which he hesitates taking

wow

[hellburngod]

7*

[hellburngod]

knowing him he won’t even say sorry

or he would say sorry and deflect the blame on being unable to control his anger

or blaming me

maybe an apology like this—

“it’s not my fault you made me mad!!”

“i can’t control my anger”

“i was trying to sleep AND YOU talk about dumb shit”

yes yes me trying to be open about what hurts me is dumb shit. this is why i never am open about how i feel with you, bc you can’t take care of me or how i feel. you don’t help you care about anything but me— you prefer your car, your friends, your lifestyle before ever trying to truly build things with me.

or maybe—

he won’t say anything at all and none of this matters

maybe time has run out between us and we keep forcing something that doesn’t fit

[hellburngod]

9/3 oh man

[hellburngod]

i’m having a hard time deciding what i’m feeling and what i want. i hate how easily this flimsy foundation between us breaks. i watch you ease into this comfortablness of the relationship and doing the same toxic shit i had issues with in the past.

bursts of anger when i want to talk about feelings

being able to stay out with friends over staying up to converse with me

it’s the same as half assing what we claimed we wanted to work on

feeling rejected

hurt

scared

misunderstood

[hellburngod]

oh wow it happened again i shouldn’t be surprised 9/3

[skeetbucket]

we had so many more chapters ahead of us it was supposed to be us til the end of the book i don’t wanna close the chapter and put the book down and find a different book i wanna keep reading til we die

[hellburngod]

i think about if i ever went through another heartbreak how i’d prob just drop dead from the stress n pain lol

[hellburngod]

i think a large part of me regrets loving you despite how much it made me grow

[hellburngod]

i care and i don’t care

i’m ok and i’m not ok

i wonder which i am

despite all the pleasant memories i just think that sometimes i could trade the last 5 yrs for something else

just so right now i wouldn’t have to rebuild so much