helleuw there. ♛ @helleuw - Tumblr Blog

#alf #dcay #vote #humansforalf #alf2020 https://www.instagram.com/p/CHJU1IDnxQS/?igshid=12ka3zlkm06mm

#alf #dcay #vote #humansforalf #alf2020

Greaseland is home... :) I’m getting more and more anxious the closer it gets to the anniversary of the worst day of my life... I think it’s because the more time passes the harder it is to explain to anyone how it doesn’t matter... people are hoping that it has become easier, but it hasn’t, and I don’t think it really will. If anything I hate it because I should be doing better by now and all that, but I am still heartbroken.. and it’s worse because life goes on for everyone else but I want to scream because my mama should be here... and those who meet me don’t know and will never know just how wonderful she was, and that feels so wrong. And it’s so hard to just say “she passed away...” that doesn’t really tell anyone how missed she is, and how losing her has left the biggest void, and she can never be replaced. I can’t tell anyone that because they will never understand. It’s true- life can really be divided into two- when my mama was here, and when she wasn’t. There is nothing like losing your mama. These are photos and videos of my home.., what I am always surrounded by... Greaseland. 💋 😘 (at Greaseland Studios) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGoJqnwAP_b/?igshid=1sw2zc7i6muzt

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Read this, (& weep...lol..) or don’t. Don’t matter to me either way. ;) Something that is true but is really very sad is I think I have been depressed at some level my whole life... like a low grade fever... I read that somewhere, always there running in the background, not debilitating, and I’m not positive at what age it set in, but for sure I was not born depressed or a depressed child... but it’s like as soon as I realized where I was (on earth) and the switch in my brain clicked and set me on my thinking timeline- I feel like I started thinking and I never stopped. I think some people refer to this as their demons... I know I’ve understood it to be the blues... I’m not particularly morose, but can remember wondering often why- why was I even born at all...not totally in a woe is me way- though I didn’t like the nickname of Sarah Bernhardt my mother gave me- so I was a tad over dramatic, I guess. ;) I wanted to believe in a deep purpose to it all, to a reason why I was the way I was, why I felt the way I felt. Everything seemed to happen for a reason, until slowly I had a harder and harder time figuring it out. And very early on I learned how to escape and remember craving certain things, my first addictions... The attention I got for things I excelled at... some kids are shy, I was obnoxious... I loved to perform, to entertain... would do anything because I loved making people laugh... i still do... it’s crazy to look back now as an adult... I’m proud of myself, though, and i have to remind myself looking back that that little girl is me... she navigated through a lot of chaos that wasn’t anybody’s fault... had no fear and put her heart on the line over and over again, I’m so glad she did... I used to be so fearless- I guess everyone is before they get kicked down by life... I was not afraid of rejection and so I gave my all... i could give more of that... I need to put more faith in who I am and the people who love me. I trust them... At the risk of sounding pathetic... and dramatic, like always... I am having a hard time now because while I’m used to being depressed, what I am currently experiencing is much more painful... (⬇️cont.) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFzgQyGHq2F/?igshid=rxei7djlrszj

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Please... don’t give no hug... the truth about the Rona is it’s f’d the word, it’s not elitist, I don’t wanna get the Rona, girl, make the toughest homeboy all dead and gone- if you don’t want the Rona better stay the f at home, it’s a special kinda virus, don’t go out in crowds- you know this kinda thing I just cannot allow- you don’t want this Rona cause this Rona isn’t right... I think you better stay in if you value your life 🤦🏽‍♀️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CFza-cRAmjK/?igshid=1exavkj0djfo4

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Alright- here’s some more of the Rona... (the truth about the Rona... she’s internationally known... make the toughest homeboy sick af so stay at home.. woo.. & all you little shitheads... who can’t stay in your rooms.. the Rona gives no f’s about age, this ain’t no common fluuuu... if you believe that you can’t catch this shiii, got news for you... you’re taking a chance out there.. it’s literally everywhere.. & if you believe that only you and your homies are cool... than it’s official.. you’re stupid as shiiii, oh yeah... your lungs will belong to the Rona, if you catch a case) #roni #tenderoni #bobbybrown #rona #therona #coronavirus #parody #coronavirusparody https://www.instagram.com/p/CFzZWVvAte2/?igshid=1ry9v94mto4mh

#roni #tenderoni #bobbybrown #rona #therona #coronavirus #parody #coronavirusparody

It was so good to be onstage again- concerts in your car is a trip. I hope we do it again soon and I hope we do it in the bay as well- until then, I be streamin’... (sung to the tune of Clarence Carter’s hit song “strokin’”) #concertsinyourcar #ventura #driveinconcert #foreverlandsf #cbf #cantstoptheblues (at Ventura, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFzY4LfAPQQ/?igshid=1h4pcc4leapom

#concertsinyourcar #ventura #driveinconcert #foreverlandsf #cbf #cantstoptheblues

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The truth about the Rona... I wrote this with Jess back in March & Kid recorded me singing it soon after, but I’ve been so depressed I haven’t gotten around to posting it- I’m posting this now because I’ve gotten it into everyone’s heads at our gig, & it will give me more incentive to post the rest- ASAP... sorry about the language... 😂 “the truth about the Rona- it will f up your world- I don’t want that shiii, stay away, or we’re gonna fight... if you got the Rona... better get you some gloves.. spray your a with Lysol, don’t be giving out no hugs..(if you believe that you can’t catch this shiii, got news for you...) you’re taking a chance out there, it’s literally everywhere... (& if you don’t stay your ass inside, cause you fools aren’t immune.. then it’s official.. ) you all are dumb (af... your lungs.. will belong to the Rona) (at Concerts In Your Car) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFTP0etgILu/?igshid=9td874xj6p8b

FOREVERLAND! We’re here! #concertsinyourcar (at Concerts In Your Car) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFTN6K-gThw/?igshid=x66zi4ilcfyo

#concertsinyourcar

Dude... so weird... tomorrow will be my FIRST GIG on an actual stage since the start of the pandemic... I’m tripping... come see me... it will be a trip, I’m sure. I’m excited to see how it goes down, aren’t you? Let’s party, man... #concertsinyourcar (at Ventura, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFQPH59nvjk/?igshid=656qh0ykald3

#concertsinyourcar

Admittedly I’ve been in a deep depression that I keep sinking a bit deeper into with each day. I haven’t been ok... & that’s hard to say but also hard not to... I don’t have the energy to pretend like I’m not... I’ve lost a lot of my gumption and I’m just over it- I’m over being sad, I’m tired and I’m lost. I am not feeling good about who I am lately- and I know it’s depression and I am still me even while sad... I wish I could turn my thoughts off- I’m always thinking and it’s exhausting. I think that with everything else in my life I’ve known that there is something I can do to change how I feel... that I won’t be down forever. With this- I already know that I can’t fix it. And I avoid breaking down completely because I feel responsible for my family and don’t want to bring them to that place... but really inside I just wanna scream... I miss feeling safe. That’s why my mom was my best friend... she didn’t just build me up and tell me I’m the best and everyone is jealous... I could tell her how I really felt inside without fear of it sounding dumb, or ridiculous, or bratty... I know her voice is still there because I know what she would say but I have some sort of wall up, of hurt, and pain I think- I want to hear her voice but instead I just feel despair. https://www.instagram.com/p/CBn7Pafgoz4/?igshid=vfdi5qt364jq

Fun with feelters... glamour shots®️ with Lil Baby... at the start of sheltering in place I knew that I would most likely not have any problems- I had & have been pretty checked out and cut off from the outside world, have been that way for a while now.. I just wanted a breath- a break... and I have felt an extreme sense of relief, because my usual state of being is overworked and over stressed- so the pause button was welcome... we are so fortunate here, at Greaseland... I wish it wasn't under these terrible circumstances that I got my break... But I have to find the bright side nowadays... somewhere... I can’t believe how much losing my mother has changed everything for me. The role she has played in my life cannot be overstated... I really cannot put into words how having her in my life has helped and changed me- just saying she is my best friend is not enough... she can’t be replaced and without her I feel like I don’t even know who I am or what my purpose is... I am still the same person but I feel like I’m drowning- fighting depression and so frustrated with myself... There are only so many things in life that you know for sure. Even with self doubt and your inner saboteur, I’ve always known that I’m on a ride and I’ve never expected perfection (psssshhh) and I’ve always known how blessed I am, even with this fight to be happy I would never give up me, I really believe God made me who I am and put me on earth to be just who I am- my heart overflows with love for the people in my life and I can’t believe how lucky I am because I know what’s important... at some point we need a change- the roller coaster 🎢 can only be in a valley for so long... i keep telling myself that if she could live with this pain, I can too... https://www.instagram.com/p/B_S3X2qgNhl/?igshid=1pwpnwed1vpw3

Been having a ton of fun streaming and singing... hosting my “radio” show... no gigs, so it has turned out to be very important to me... #greaseland is a magical place... though #bathtimejamz turned out to be a lot more difficult than I had thought... 🛀 🛁 🚿 🧼 🧖🏻‍♀️🎙🔫🏊🏻‍♀️🎤🧽💭 (at Greaseland Studios) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-UO3EqAzuB/?igshid=ct4l4un0mmop

#greaseland #bathtimejamz

Ten years... I never thought ten years ago I could love you any more than I did that day, but I do, I love you so much more... “I got you”... I got your love and you know you got mine, so we’re gonna make it... I know we will https://www.instagram.com/p/B92-4NjA_ah/?igshid=16mfuw6pjt679

I know it’s been weird for everybody... my mind has been on a self quarantine for a while now, but if you want to hear some music, tune in tonight to #bedtimejamz it’s on kids Facebook- I will also go live here, I guess. Or maybe on my Facebook. And you can tip! Venmo and PayPal... support your starving musicians... ;) #quarantine #music (at Greaseland Studios) https://www.instagram.com/p/B929WclgbuS/?igshid=2yvn194qyslu

#bedtimejamz #quarantine #music

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Decided to join you for a duet, bff. ☺️ (at Greaseland Studios) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9URk4cH7kA/?igshid=6lb810cz4wdv

1. Dad, Kid, playing with the new piano... 2. My heart Cheerios, pez dispensers, balloons (I’m telling you- I love all that shiot) 3. Bubblegum popsicle 4. “Butterflies” (@Foreverland performed this song at our last gig... ahem) 5. @simoncowell be my valentine (next year 🤷🏽‍♀️) 6. Sexiest men alive bottom left 7. I love everyone who I’ve ever loved 8. Last year we were in India for Valentine’s Day- FL world tour 9. Love of my life 10. ♥️ https://www.instagram.com/p/B8sbxtAgAcm/?igshid=1mvjdq7ylo3vl

Valentine’s Day has been my favorite holiday for yrs- many have wondered why- it’s a Hallmark holiday & so many people hate it... 🤷🏽‍♀️ it’s because there’s not a lot of pressure surrounding it, like other holidays. I just love love. I like that you’re supposed to be loving to others. I know most single people don’t like it, & admittedly I haven’t been single on the day since I was a kid- dudes don’t hold me to a particular standard for the day (ones I know) but I don’t think it’s just for couples. no chicks have cared, either. Not even for “galentines” day. ;) I know we should be loving every day, but we’re not (we don’t treat every day like it’s a “love” day...) (we = everyone) I also like red & hearts & all that shiot. I can’t change my heart, but I know that’s why I’m in so much pain... everyone in my life is so loving, I’m surrounded by so much love, 😍 I just don’t understand anything nowadays. :(I don’t write anything here or anywhere so people can fix it. I know that it hurts to read that someone is hurting. & I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me, not singling anyone out or trying to subtly say to leave me alone, just me saying that there is no fix, not even if I smile for the good times... ;) I’m only getting by as best as I can, there is nothing to worry about or fear for me, other than what I’ve already been through. If you think you can help me but are not close to me please run it by someone who is... don’t know how else to put it, just trying to be as kind as possible to people who want to help by telling me to get therapy, or “be glad”... it’s tricky- I’m sure I’d get my point across better if I was more blunt, but I’m not trying to chastise anybody- I know everyone who has any advice for me is coming from a good place. don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. I have this thing, people- they’re in 2 categories for me- those I can look in the eye & be real with, and those who are just on another wavelength. I dunno. Maybe it’s the Mandela effect & the people in the former group are in my universe. ;) or maybe I’m the one who overthinks everything. Anyway- my Valentine’s Day was great. I love my boys (Kid, dad, & Jeff) so much. https://www.instagram.com/p/B8sZXBcAulc/?igshid=dgb94et4617a

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helleuw there. ♛