what's bothering you queen
a lot of things are bothering me unfortunately.
my beloved job has been in turmoil the past two years and every time it seems like things will settle that beast in the wh disrupts it with some more bullshit. my beloved female supervisor just left for position at the pentagon which means im never going to get to see her and there's a strong possibility I'll be moved to a position during the restructuring that's not under male alex even though we're both staying at our current agency.
I really don't want to move to private practice rn because the economy is shit and I'll be the first on the chopping block during the inevitable layoffs that are on the horizon. I also don't want to move jobs before the ai bubble bursts for the same reason. another consideration is that I'm not even 5 years into my career which means that while I'm established at my agency as a 'senior' attorney with full autonomy to manage and advise my clients as I see fit, anywhere else I go, I'd not only be junior, I'd have to start completely from scratch in establishing myself. I simply don't have the kind of clout that would allow me to lateral into a private sector position with even a smidgen of autonomy and I hate being micromanaged more than anything.
but also idk how much longer I can tolerate my current job. like I'm so miserable every single day that it feels impossible to get through another week sometimes, let alone another two years. I'm hopeful that Dems will take back the house (and the senate inshallah) and that will force my agency back in line but it's gotten so crazy idk if it will be enough. like i can't even begin to describe what's going on where I work and I can only hope that the inevitable investigations coming the next few years exposes everything.
I've been so stressed lately that I just went through a two week period where I could barely eat without immediately vomiting or gagging. I was literally living on protein shakes and smoothies because that's all I could keep down. fortunately that seems to have mostly passed but who knows when my next bout of stress induced nausea will hit.
and on top of all that, my budding relationship ending over something that is, frankly, stupid is driving me crazy. we had other issues besides the distance and I don't know that we would have made it long term anyway but anyone who knows what actually went down would understand why I still feel so irritated about the whole thing. It's been almost 3 weeks but it still feels unsettled and unresolved, almost like it's not actually over and we're just taking a weird and unpleasant break, but that's not what's happening. we are legitimately broken up which is why I'm constantly battling myself on what to do because I don't want to stay broken up but I don't have a solution for any of the issues that caused the break up in the first place. and I know that the only way to resolve anything would be to talk to him about it and I know that's what I will eventually do but I just can't decide what it is that I actually want besides the fact that I wish things hadn't gone down the way that they did.
also because things were going so well I told people that I was dating him and now everyone has an opinion to share and I don't want to hear it!! no one will leave me alone to figure out how EYE want to handle things.
I never see my family or friends because most of them live so far away and the ones that live close are just as busy and overwhelmed as me. and while I've make good progress on getting my finances in order after 3 years barely living paycheck to paycheck, I'm still not in a place where I'm as comfortable financially as I want to be considering the fact that I make a lot of money now. I know I've only been making this amount of money for a year and that I'm going to get a modest raise soonish, I just want everything to be paid off so I don't have to worry about it anymore. it doesn't help that the whole student loan repayment drama has affected me directly and two of my years of public service won't count towards my forgiveness period because of the litigation. I managed to get all the documentation I needed to have my agency repay them for the next couple of years but that was so frustrating and stressful because the new rates would suck up all my expendable income and my agency almost arbitrarily denied my application and made me essentially beg for them to accept it which was so undignified.
and on top of all of that, I still have to do dishes and fold laundry 😔🔫
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