Lately, Iāve been talking to people about connections and how it is to click with someone. The last time I felt any sort of connection was short-lived, but it was this year. Before that, maybe four years ago. Before that? Another four years, I think. I donāt know if it matters. I donāt think it does.
I donāt really connect with people, but I also donāt give things much of a chance. Over time, I think I made avoiding connections an unconscious habit. The obvious reason being itās just easier, but also because I felt like protecting people from.. me? Historically speaking, I can be a fiery ball of cringe.
I think about the stupid shit Iāve said and done and I want to tear my brain out so I can never think again. At the same time, those things I said and did were from a good place. I was definitely stupid and weird whenever I felt too much about someone -- thatās just the truth. Maybe Iāve seen too many movies or read to many books and have grandiose ideas of interpersonal relationships. Thereās a fine line between a romantic gesture and doing something an insane person would do that I havenāt found. That, or the line isnāt so fine and youāre supposed to sway between the two while you tread it. Iām getting off track.
Despite calling my past actions a fiery ball of cringe, I donāt think Iād do anything different. I definitely could have had some more tact, I guess. The problem I face is if I am connecting with someone, I like to be honest and open. I feel like this should be a normal thing, but it isnāt. People donāt want that level of honesty; or maybe they do, but not at my pace. I see an opening and I hit the gas, which is fine until I speed through one too many red lights and am alone again. I wonder if that makes sense or if itās just 3 am.
The only reason Iām talking about any of this is because now, years later, Iām still having dreams about someone. I donāt think about them at all anymore, but that experience does bother me a lot. They didnāt do anything wrong. I was wrong. I was really wrong and thatās my problem. I donāt know if Iāve changed and am afraid to find out. I mean, if I havenāt changed by now, I donāt know if I can. Do I need to? I donāt know. I donāt want to be a fucking weird psycho all my life, thatās for sure. I wonder if itās too late. Like god damn, I just really fucking blew it in the past. Iām the biggest dumbass in the world. Fuck.
I donāt want to talk anymore.
stormborns
2087
blakekathryn
romaincrisis
izzy806
