The Diary of a Teenage Girl

[hellokittylovverrr]

20 !

Hi everyone! it has been so crazy these past few weeks, I also turned 20!! So i can't use my regular hashtags anymore :((

No more diary of a teenage girl, but I am so excited for this new phase in my life. I know i've been gone for so long, it really has been hectic, I have been painting banners, and doing crafts. Somehow, making money off of it, but i am not complaining because I love what I do.

I hope yall have been okay. Saying yall gives away that i am from Texas. Don't know if you can tell but... yeah...

My emotions still stay the same, I don't really feel 20, but I don't feel like a teenager, somewhere in the inbetween.

Anyways, yeah, happy birthday to me!

Stay safe everyone!

[hellokittylovverrr]

Mom

Often times we forget how powerful and connected we are to our mothers.

Today my mom and I had a disagreement, which is natural, I got upset and locked myself in my room. She tried to get into my room and knocked, I ignored her because I was just so upset. Also it is day 1 of my period, so im a little more dramatic. A few hours later I went into her room and asked "Did you try to break into my room?", she said yes, i was trying to give you a hug and apologize, I then told her I was also upset. We hugged and she said something that made me a little more emotional. She said "I'm sorry, i really mean it, i love you so much".

those simple words made me feel heard in a way. Like she was breaking a generational curse. My grandma NEVER let my mom go out, she never partied with her friends, went out at night, went on dates, or just do anything. I have done all of those things, and i tell my mom about them all the time. It makes me feel more connected to her, and she loves to hear all about it

[hellokittylovverrr]

I can't wait to get my own place

[hellokittylovverrr]

I have never had a boyfriend, I will be 20 in a few days.

All my life, all i've had were almost's and what-if's. Since high school, it's just been meaningless situationships or talking stages. They've never developed into anything more, maybe they would have, but I knew it would never work.

I just have this feeling that when I do meet "the one", I will be so glad I waited.

I have done the college hook-up phase, i probably am not even done with that. It's college, things change, and things happen (don't judge me).

Yes, i know it's not healthy, it is never casual, but it's something to fill that void temporarily.

I think this feeling will pass soon, I hope I can get a job soon to distract me and put me to work.

[hellokittylovverrr]

i am up, i have been painting a banner. I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I have great friends, good family, everything i could want.

Yet, i am alone in my room, listening to George Michael. I just feel numb, and I want intimacy.

Not sexual intimacy, although it is normal, it's just not what i want right now. Physical intimacy, like hand holding, cuddling, hugging, and everything in between.

I feel like a total LOSER for feeling like this, I just want that one thing, and the more I see it, the more I crave it.

There is nothing like replacing that warm feeling of love with weed.

I do not condone, I am also taking a t-break, probably until i start school again, and will only do it socially.

MAYBE.

[hellokittylovverrr]

Today i woke up and had makeup on from last night, i have been so lazy, and soon my face will pay the price.

I asked my brother if he wanted to go for a drink, we ended up going to Dutch Bro's and it was so, so, so good. We brought my new puppy and got him a pup cup!

I sat outside on my front yard swing, smoked, and read Quantum Entanglement. It is a very interesting read, it mixes philosophy and physics which are two of my favorite subjects. I listened to the original Minecraft soundtrack, gives me major nostalgia, and is perfect for when it's sunny and breezy outside.

I had so much time to think, and just loved to feel the sun on my skin. There is nothing like Vitamin D and an iced coffee!

[hellokittylovverrr]

Future Wedding !

There is nothing wrong with planning ahead!

[hellokittylovverrr]

It gets easier with time dealing with guys, when the same thing always seems to happen, it gets easier to handle.

It gets easier to think, why should I care, why am i caring, he is not my boyfriend, we are just friends, and that's it.

It's very universal to deal with it as a girl, i feel, this has been happening through time, and there is nothing we can do to change that.

[hellokittylovverrr]

time after time

When i was 17, I went to New York with my high school drill team. It was very chaotic? Our tour guide was british and she was very on-the-go, new york itself was hectic, but it was absolutely beautiful, i can see why it is a tourist attraction.

Anyways, while there we went to the Empire State Building, we had to go through 5 different elevators, i swear! I honestly thought I was going to fly away, it was also spring break in March, so you would think it would be a little warm. WRONG, it was freezing! So my mom and i were on the top floor, we went inside, and inside there was a man who was playing time after time by cyndi lauper.

I had never heard it played like that, it was so beautiful, and just memorable. Ever since then, everytime I hear that song, something just happens.

I don't know what, but stuff happens. It is never specific, always random.

[hellokittylovverrr]

I honest to god thought keanu reeves and adam driver were the same people...

star wars fans please dont hate me

[hellokittylovverrr]

summer time (and the livin is easy)

someone please say you get the reference

I am trying to get better at writing to hopefully clear up some head space, say things i cant say out loud, my thoughts, memories, and whatever.

I just woke up, it is literally about to be 1 in the afternoon. I am such a chud for waking up so late like this. I'm about to go to some stores with my dad, i have been terrible at saving money, I honestly just don't even know where it goes!!

I have to look for a dress for my cousins graduation party, yes a graduation party, i am mexican, so the parties tend to be over the top no matter the occasion.

I don't really know what to do with my life, I feel like I have no motivation or like emotion to do anything? I'm not depressed but, I just feel so in my head all the time, my thoughts are just always racing and its hard to make them stop.

that is part of the reason why I smoke, i try not to do it everyday, i do it in moderation, and always make sure to stay hydrated.

to me, it just makes my emotions feel more regulated, less crazy, and make me feel like i am normal for once.

Cue Normal Girl by SZA !!

I have been also trying to loose weight, I hate exercising though, i just feel like i need to, but also nothing is wrong. i just feel like i look a little chubby.

[hellokittylovverrr]

Celebs that remind me of my summer situation-ship

LOLLL its only 2, but they just remind me of him for some reason. he is only 5'6, but i am 4'11, so its not terrible

[hellokittylovverrr]

this is definitely me and him this summer.

he is a scaredy cat, shy, and awkward. complete opposite of who i am.

[hellokittylovverrr]

Another thing that is solidifying my decision is where I live. My house. I love my room, I love everything in moderation.

My brother is the most lazy and self centered person I have ever met in my life. He got a job, and suddenly believes he is owed the world. He is 2 years younger than me and is already driving before me.

He can't even pick up after himself, and when I ask for help it is no use, if i call him out on his actions, and he just blows up, and gets mad.

I don't care if it is a run-on sentence, i just want everything to be okay again.

[hellokittylovverrr]

this is definitely me and him this summer.

he is a scaredy cat, shy, and awkward. complete opposite of who i am.

[hellokittylovverrr]

since starting the summer i have been thinking about a lot, and honestly it has been solidifying my decision to stay at college next summer.

every summer i have been home, i love my family and hometown friends, but i feel like my time here is done. I am always considering everyone, but i feel as if no one considers me in the same way (if that makes sense).

I always babysit for my tia, she has 3 boys, and i love them with all my heart! they are the cutest, sweetest things in the world. I don't mind taking care of them and spending time with them, but honestly it feels like my tia only calls or texts me when she needs something. Last summer, we would have sleepovers, go to the zoo, the pool, and even the stores like target.

now it just feels differently, she has been going through some things, so i am trying not to take it personally. I take care of my cousins for free because, they're my family, and i love them, but it is just such a big job to take care of 3 kids 6 and under. Yes it is obviously a big job because there's 3 of them and one of me.

So when i was at home, my cousin, G (6), asked me if i could watch him and his brothers while his mom got her nails done, i said yes of course, and when i went over i got them chick fil a. the boys were making a mess so i said, " hey guys please pick up your mess! i don't want mommy to come home to a mess", and G says "you can't tell me what to do, my house, my rules!". I was a little annoyed because I don't like being repetitive and i don't want to be mean and yell at them.

I told their mom what he said, because he said it multiple times, and she said "oh, well it is true, it is his house!", and that just made me so annoyed and upset because I am trying to help, and get the kids settled, and to just dismiss it like its nothing?

A few days after my mom was on the phone (their mom is my mom sister, so naturally), and my tia had told her "Every time she (author) comes over, she always leaves a mess!". Mind you I helped her clean up the food and toys from off the floor, i did the best i could. i literally told her i tried my best to help her clean up, and even told the boys to help pick up their mess.

It is honestly so frustrating when I am helping my tia get some free time for herself, and i get chewed out for no reason.

A few weeks ago my mom told me that my tia said my EYEBROWS were ugly because theyre so thin. FIRST of all, they're my eyebrows, second of all, i do not care.

I don't know what to do anymore, im trying to find a job, so i can have money, but so far its just been babysitting. I also babysit for my tia's neighbor, she actually pays me.

[hellokittylovverrr]

you know i kind of got my wish for this summer, a summer situationship! okay, obviously not ideal, but its fun, its comfortable, and just readily avaliable.

a situationship is no girls dream, but for me, maybe its just the little push that i need to actually want a relationship.

im sure i told you all about V, i think he is just scared, and he treats me like im a glass vase. he is careful, and i know he genuinely cares for me, i care for him in the same way. So OBVIOUSLY itll be a soul crushing one, which is okay, maybe its what we both need.