I Need To Lie Down

[hellonabicycle]

I'm still learning how to take care of my own mental well being, I'm so used to just doing what others want me to do then dealing with the regret / sadness by being numb but I'm trying not to do those things anymore. But I still slip up when I'm tired and go back to disregarding my own feelings, and letting things go even if they would make me happy.

[hellonabicycle]

I like that I can usually deal with really bad things happening calmly. But for some some reason small but difficult to resolve things send my stress levels through the roof. Especially anything involving phone calls. So although I rarely cry I cried three times today and I'm exhausted but also can't sleep bc of the stress.

[hellonabicycle]

Honestly, the kids I work with are like anti depressants for me, bc when you’re with them you stop focusing on yourself for a minute and just concentrate on helping them do something simple like paint a bird house or sing along to some music. And they mostly don’t speak but they’ll just hold your hand or sit in your lap and it’s just pure and good.

[hellonabicycle]

All the posts up to this point were just a backlog of save drafts, just feels better to have them published instead

[hellonabicycle]

It’s not that I wanna die but it’s just that the idea of living for a long time makes me so tired. Like I just want to stop but no apparently I’m going to have to keep Doing Things for years and years in an aging body that’s just going become more and more decrepit. Like when can I just stop. Everything in life is too hard. Making money, exercising, cooking, relationships, socializing, everything is just too damn hard, it all takes so much effort. It’s like juggling too many balls trying to maintain everything and it’s too hard so I keep dropping them one at a time. And after all that effort I don’t want to be middle aged and standing there with nothing at all because one by one along the way I dropped everything and it was too hard to pick up while continuing to juggle.

[hellonabicycle]

It’s really difficult for me to feel good or positive about anything I’ve done because half the time it doesn’t actually feel like I’m doing things? Like I’m on autopilot most of the time, or doing everything through a bit of a fog which makes me feel disconnected from the actual work I’m doing. So by the end even though there’s a finished thing as evidence of my hard work I don’t feel like I actually accomplished anything. Like when you write an essay in the middle of the night and the next day you’re not even sure how you got it done, and it’s really difficult to do the same thing when you’re not totally sleep deprived. In the end this means that I just don’t have much confidence in my abilities since it always feels like a fluke if something turns out good. I feel like a fraud all the time.

[hellonabicycle]

U know when you plan to be productive and proactive in the morning but by 11:30 the depression is in full swing and you can’t remember why you even wanted to do anything at all. I literally spent half an hour sitting in the hall with my shoes on feeling completely blank.

[hellonabicycle]

And she always pointing out all these things other kids (usually from wealthy families) are doing, and the thing is their parents are paying for all that stuff. Like going to Africa or India to volunteer. And tbh neither me nor my parents can afford that so like why compare?? I’m constantly having to point out that unlike those kids we don’t get to carry our parent’s credit cards around and I pay for all my stuff myself.

[hellonabicycle]

I mean she basically raised us with an aversion to all forms of competition and measured achievement and to never to do stuff bc other people are doing it and to not do things for money, and yet she can’t seem to help comparing us to kids who were raised in the 100% opposite way

[hellonabicycle]

After I graduated I didn't have a job lined up so obviously I didn’t have much to do and my mom got after me to at least volunteer or get something in retail. now I have multiple jobs in my field and I volunteer at multiple places while also trying to do personal work and yet she never misses an opportunity to tell me I’m going nowhere and doing nothing with my life and how she would have a phd or whatever by now if she were me

[hellonabicycle]

My moms world view is so subjective, like one day after I kind of helped her with dinner and put away the dishes she’ll say stuff like oh you’ve been working so hard take a rest. And the next day even after I’ve been working almost non stop all day she’ll get angry and complain that I don’t do nearly enough. It’s literally just based on so many random factors that influence her state of mind, and she’s got no ability to be objective at all.

[hellonabicycle]

It’s like this, you’re always treading water in the middle of the pool so you’re just always exhausted. That’s your resting state. Then if you want to do anything you first have to swim to the edge of the pool and pull yourself out then while you’re doing that thing you’re uncomfortable bc you’re soaking wet in water heavy clothes and it’s kind of chilly so all you really want to do is hurry up and finish it just stop everything you need to do so you can get back into the pool even though you know you’re going to have start treading water again.

[hellonabicycle]

Me: maybe I wouldn’t be so depressed if I had a job and worked out and made art and hung out with friends
Me to me after doing all of that: you said you’d stop being sad if you did all these things
Me feeling more depressed than ever: but still