a bad feeling. a thought process he can’t pretend he hasn’t gone through himself, a dozen times over, since lena had called him down to sickbay three days before. delirious people will say anything — that’s what he’d told her, because the man was too far gone to make any real sense. the existence of a cure so within reach had to be some kind of miracle, and miracles are bullshit. miracles aren’t real. there’s just chance. choices. fighting until you can’t fight anymore.
jasir had called it faith. faith and prayers. the mother protects us. but there has to be more to it than that.
“hey, i get it. we let everything ride on a pipe dream and it just sounds like we’re settin’ ourselves up for disappointment. we all have a lot to lose.”
laughter drifts from across the yard on a mild breeze that smells more like the sea than the dead. even that, in itself, feels like something.
crane’s head tips in an upward nod. “you heard bilal. his brother was bitten months ago and the guy’s still here, the same as ever. no antizin, no — anything, that we know of. and he’s not the only one. these people, they’ve … found a way to survive, and i think it’s more than just prayer circles and kumbaya. i — i think we might really be onto somethin’ here. that’s gotta be worth at least a couple of eggs, right?”
they all have a lot to lose. they do. every single one of them. and it’s not that deanna doesn’t know that, she does. but there’s still that inner voice begging her to be selfish in a situation where it would serve no purpose. being selfish doesn’t let her keep this little group of people close. it doesn’t cure him. it doesn’t keep him from losing himself to whatever happens next when they run out of antizin. it doesn’t stop her from losing him if it comes to that. her lips purse, but she nods. and then she nods again, picking her way through darker thoughts to hold tight to those flashes of things that look damn close to hope.
“a couple, yeh,” she says after a few seconds, drawing away from him just so she can press a kiss to the tip of his nose. “i gotta meet your parents, right? dropping eggs in the basket for that seems pretty worth it.”
the feeling is still there. it’s going to remain there. but it’s quieter now. something that’s going to keep her up at night or catch her in the moments when she thinks no one’s looking. for now, she can stow it. everyone needs a little hope. maybe sammy had a point all those years.
“i just had an emo nip slip, but we’re good. we got this. you’re right... there’s somethin’ to all this and we’ll find it.”
