REJOYCEFOREVER

Joy in Christ.

[lisawidens]

[helovedmestill]

Starting to read Relationships- a mess worth making.

So, will do little recaps of every chapter and reflections because relationships is the messiest part of my life, but yet God calls us to love each other despite the messiness and conflict ridden-ness of each relationship. So, here is my attempt to try to approach it in a more God-glorifying way.

SO here’s Chapter 1- There is hope for you, even in relationships that leave you confused and disappointed...and thats about it. ch 1 is 2 pages lol...but looking forward to it :P

On another “relationships” note, I talked to suzie today at church--great conversation, I caught her up on almost everything. One of the topics was relationships. Relationships about family, nate, and roomie, and it all starts at communication. Specifically for my mom and indirectly nate, she explained the “cleaving” and “leaving” of a marriage, something nonbelievers don’t understand, and that I need to open a line of communication now for the future. 

super good convo about that, and also unity in marriage, importance of communication, and God working in various lives. 

I feel like I have grown so much since freshman year. I am like an old man now. LOL

[frombendedknee]

[tblaberge]

I need love that I do not deserve, grace that I have not earned, and forgiveness that I have not sought. I need it and I need it and I need it till the end.

T.B. LaBerge // Go Now (via tblaberge)

[tblaberge]

Preach the gospel to your weary heart, daily. When in doubt, when in seasons of sorrow, and when you have nothing left! Speak the truth of God to the parts of your life that need to be resurrected, for when we shine a light the darkness must flee. Beloved, whatever stage of life we are at, we have but to whisper and the King will listen. Do you not know? He is always present, and our very heartbeat is a delight to Him.

T.B. LaBerge // Go Now (via tblaberge)

[helovedmestill]

Summer recap

I supposed I should do a quick summer recap of life before I grow old and completely forget everything. 

Some things- internship--great experience, hilarious coworker, Samuel was really dumb and kind of idiotic in his common sense which really helped lift my spirits of the depression I was in. Also realized that workers in Hong Kong are just that--workers. Very uninnovative, and extremely busy work- heavy. Anyways, terrible work environment to be in, but learned a good deal about hong kong corporate culture, and soft skills (a LOT of soft skills like networking is the most important thing, and so is giving cake at the end). We had fun creating office parodies and singing “mean” dedicated to gobat, and of course catching pokemon during lunch hours. 

Spiritually- finally found a good church to be kind of consistent in, felt good to be evangelizing again even though I could have been better with disciplines. But definitely a lot to think about when in such a secular and materialistic place as HK, and living with extremely secular cousin and her friends. 

Party Scene- HK part scene is fun, but sometimes, looking back maybe a little too much fun, where I can become self-absorbed in my own vanity. Anyways, a lot of business people approached me to network and ask my to invest in their business as my friends got hit on by a bunch of guys. I guess I look rich or something...or maybe just too boring to be a party animal therefore must be a business person LOL. 

dating overseas-was good for my balance in letting nate do his own thing and to not be too overly needy and annoying.

Courtney situation- this whole summer just helped me move past the whole thing. Honestly, I don’t think she realizes she did anything wrong to me. I read her letter--much of it was on gossip about her, and her apologizing about how she reacted to others and sinned against them. I supposed I expected more of an apology (if she was truly repentant) to the one she blatantly sinned against (me). BUT, that is just my thoughts, who am I to judge her thoughts, especially when I have not contacted her in years? but for now, I will leave the situation at rest. If she is truly repentant, then praise God, for I have gained another fellow sister in Christ.

thoughts on life-life is too short to not be focusing on the glory of God. We are all specks in light of eternity. Life is too short to NOT be evangelizing, to NOT be saturated in the word of God.

Updates since summer- really want the informatica job, like REALLY really want it. Interview in two weeks.

Lots of emotional breakdown over the future and what is to come, with job, moving, parents, dating, marriage, LIFE.

that’s about it. Kevin got engaged. Daniel and Cheryl got married. I guess life goes on without you if you stop to take a breather..like me :P. 

Oh, and working at Innovive now. It’s quite nice. Dogs everywhere. 

[helovedmestill]

10/24- 1 Timothy 1

This passage reveals that God has not come to save those who are just, but those who are sinners. Only by his grace and mercy can anyone be saved. When we look at the law given, or the ten commandments, we see that it is impossible for anyone to follow those rules, and that God has sent Christ to die so that we may be able to commune with God and be strengthened to do His service. Paul makes the point to say that he was the foremost of all sinners, and it is not by his own doing at all but God did all the work--thus giving all the glory to God and to remind timothy of the gospel. A fair warning to not pervert the Gospel as well. This passage is extremely humbling--it reminds me that those who think they are righteous and just will not be saved (like the guy who said he kept all the commandments but turned away when Jesus told him to sell everything and follow him-rich young ruler). It stresses the importance of humility and it is something I need to work on. Often times I get really prideful or frustrated when people underestimate me or don't know how much I do/know, but I have to keep a mindset that all I know is by the grace of God, and that I should stay humble about my works because God praises those who honor him in secret. Sometimes it can be hard for me and I just want to tell the other person off but that's also really unloving (1 Tim 1:5 talks about love from a PURE heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith). I am challenged to humble myself before the throne of grace and to practice self-denial and self-sacrifice.

[helovedmestill]

4/30/16

I feel things have been going up and down lately. So many things going on; the whole courtney situation, the whole thing with my family, just figuring out more what people are saying, my own angst, not being able to find a job, feeling inadequate...missing Nate a lot, these just add up and ive just been feeling so isolated.

I keep not knowing how to express things to nate, on one hand I just want to talk to him and just feel like someone likes me and adores me, and I know he has to work and do things and have his own life but sometimes I just feel like no one cares about me anymore. And it’s just hard when I am constantly feel like I come in second to whatever anyone else is doing, just something unimportant and will be passing. I feel like air sometimes. But I also know that’s not the right attitude to have. Sometimes I just have to suck it up and do what I gotta do so people will start seeing me as something, reading more, growing more on my own instead of asking others to do things for me. 

And with things with nate, I just don’t know what I am doing sometimes. I just feel always on an emotional rollercoaster, but I can’t say anything to anyone. I always feel like I have to sugarcoat our struggles because of the rumors flying around already, and to prevent people from just telling us to break up, but I just feel like we are falling into a deeper and deeper pit of sin.

And I feel like sometimes I am hurt so deeply by him, just by what he does. I don’t think he really realizes everytime he gets mad my world shatters into a million pieces, everytime he struggles with purity and looking at things he makes me feel inferior, like im not important enough to fight for, or I’m just like someone who can satisfy those things. Which is okay, but it just makes me wonder, what about in 10, 20 years, when I am old and fat, what will happen? the same thing that happened with my family?

It’s just so tough to bear these burdens alone. I feel so trapped in a space where I can’t share or people will judge, people will discourage rather than encourage, or just take the “safe” way out. And hopefully I’m not just being stubborn with my ways but I am just hoping I am doing the right thing. I don’t know.

And it’s so hard for me to be in this floating dating- not yet married- long distance but serious relationship state..Like I feel like I want to be studying but my mind is so emotionally attached that I can’t stop missing him, but then I can’t really stop the attachment unless I start to detach myself emotionally...I don’t know. It’s just so difficult, I’m gonna go crazy

I have a lot of fears for the future. I don’t know what I want and when I am alone I can’t think straight anymore. Maybe, next week will be my self retreat, I can just take some time off, and relax. 

What if I just stay single for life...lol. I am wondering if I am really growing at all, I seem to be hitting to many deep lows.

God help me.

Some encouragements: Randy Sarmiento, when he told me after flocks that he was just so glad that I haven’t left, and that they love me and are praying for me.

Junior accountability was good. Catching up with ashley, erica, and joyce :) apartment dinner tonight. 

[spiritualinspiration2]

[helovedmestill]

4/12

santa barbara weekend! Apologetics, hangin out, good talks. Also revelations about trials.

[thatsyourgold]

You miracle of a human. You moon-thing. You kingdom. Be the clock. Be time. Wake up to the sound of yourself and let it be the most beautiful thing.

Caitlyn Siehl (via welcomehomeward)

[tattoodchristian]

The world can make you think that love can be picked up at a garage sale or enveloped in a Hallmark card. But the kind of love that God created is a costly one because it involves sacrifice and presence.

Bob Goff (via littlethingsaboutgod)

[helovedmestill]

4/6/16

it’s been about a week since leon texted me with the news, and forced me into a couple day shock for the longest time. It seemed literally everything i knew was falling apart, everything i thought that was true, that was mine, that was secure, my childhood, was tearing at the seams. and just so much has been going through my mind, phases of depression (of the situation), anxiety (of what to do about the situation), stress (of the outcome of the situation). But in the midst of chaos there was a hint of hope, the hope that christ carries that possibly this is the avenue for his glory, joy--in realizing that in the moment it’s always bad, but looking back it could have been worse; thankfulness in realizing we as sinners deserve so much worse, a humbleness that comes with knowing that I am weak and cannot follow God’s commands without hesitating, and seeing that Christ did without hesitation. Thankful for another trial to draw me closer to Him, to strip me of my idols, so test my faith, to grow me in trust. And in the wake of everything, just standing amazed before the cross developing a greater worship and love for God, and his sovereignty. 

[helovedmestill]

3/31/16

i should probably really start blogging again. God has been teaching me so much and i need so many reminders.

Just got off the phone with nathan and it was so refreshing. the past couple days and weeks maybe has just felt like a heavy stone strapped to my back, and unable to speak or tell or share what i was feeling and not really understanding the root of my burden. But God has been revealing to me my own selfishness and my own expectations and my own forgetfulness of a gospel that is truly amazing and that needs to be lived by. Such insignificant texts, or words, and anything, really means nothing in light of eternity. Nate said something like, who do you really seek approval of? and people will be people, and their opinions change, and now that they have a negative view on me, why do i care so much? and thats because i do seek mans approval and i do care, but really i shouldnt and should only need Gods approval, and he can supply it so well and so abundantly.

but yes. so so so much has been going on that i need to write about so i dont forget, to me, emotionally, at church, how things are progressing, pressing on for the last year or so and even now through the whole courtney thing, dating, mmm family, God has just been teaching me so much daily. i kind of regret not documenting it…but its ok. in heaven i will know everything muhahaha but yes pact to myself imma start writing more because its helpful.

i applied like hell to a bunch of places and got emails back. dont feel so much like crap anymore haha so happy but (fam complications) sigh

OH. and ya girl 21 now.

[helovedmestill]

2/5/2016

today went to the broad with nathan chau. it was an okay time. i then went shopping at daiso and walmart (obamaself) but some quick updates about nate before i forget, as of maybe 2 weeks ago, i think i am pretty much at a solid 100% or maybe like 99.9% of "knowing" that he's "the one"...hehe! and that comes with the realization that a good relationship doesnt fix my sins, nor does it never have sins. (if that made sense) but its more of a intentional commitment to work through things and how you respond. other things--church discipline with courtney. so many emotions flowing through but above all there is a sense of closure and relief for me, both for myself and for nate. hopefully it will be better from here on out:) spiritually--not doin too hot. its better in general, but the consistency is not great. --random things: picked up tombow calligraphy, learning to watercolor and paint and draw and sketch, got a fountain pen today (yay) and learned how to crochet gasp --6 deg networking= more networking ops + more creepy old dudes -the cold situation in sd!! oh god its SO cold there and windy, so windy it uprooted some trees. suzie gave me an electric blanket though!!!!! solved the cold situation. -Nate surprise visited me the other day. I WAS SO SURPRISED -ive watched the entire season of jane the virgin. onto season 2 we go! -ballet is hard -i should probably get on those work resumes..

[helovedmestill]

jan 11

i have never felt so sick in my entire life

[helovedmestill]